Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JennaDesire]

I am sure you all have heard this before, wife is completely against my dressing and wants it stopped! I have been confronted by her 2 times in the last year about it. The first time I told her that I stopped. She found out again, and tells me that she cannot believe that this is happening to her. She is in complete denial about it and has told me that I need to leave. Only I am not sure how serious she is because she is not pushing me out. Unfortunately, I think this is because we have 3 kids and she is embarrased. I do not want to leave, but I am not sure that my dressing will ever go away. I have "purged" all of my stuff again(for the millionth time). Part of me is saying that I have to stop and part of me is sad that a choice will have to be made. I am in therapy, but I still find myself not wanting to stop doing this. It is when I am Jenna that I feel truly accepted by others. I guess what I am looking for is a happy medium between marriage and dressing. Unfortunately, because of how my wife feels this is impossible. The way she is acting, it seems like I have damaged her emotionally. What do I do? Is leaving her the only answer for both of us to have true happiness?

[Jenna Lynne]

This can be a terribly difficult and painful situation. I'm not married, so I can't share any personal experiences, but I can make a couple of suggestions that might help.

First -- what does your therapist say? Does your therapist support your dressing, or are you being abused by someone who has a counseling license but is trying to change you due to intolerance?

Second -- assuming your therapist is cool, have you suggested that your wife come with you to therapy? Getting some perspective from a professional might help her a LOT.

Third -- do you know any other CDers in your area who are married and whose wives are supportive (or even tolerant)? If so, maybe you could work out a way for your wife to talk to other wives. If she feels less alone, she might be more inclined to relax. If you don't know anybody, you might invite her to join this forum. There are wives here who could offer her some support and suggestions.

That's about all I can think of offhand. Good luck!

***Jenna Lynne***

[Joni T]

Fortunately my wife knows about it and is ok with it. It might behoove you to have a sit-down with your wife and try to explain it to her (good luck !). Maybe see if you can work something out about when/where to or to not dress. Sometimes the wifes will say it's ok but that they don't want to C U dressed. Sometimes they "come around" and finally accept it. Sometimes there's no hope. It's an impossible situation until you try something. Personally I don't think the bid D is the answer. If my wife ever gave me an ultimatum, the dressing would go, plain and simple. I love dressing and it certainly wouldn't be easy but I love my wife enough that if that's what she wanted, she'd get it.
There's no easy answer to your dilemma. If it was easy we'd all be in 7th Heaven. All I can say in closing is you've got to do what you've got to do. Only you know for sure what that is.
Bon Chance, mon amie. Good luck in your endeavor. Keep us posted.
Joni

[rachel_rachel]

Fortunatly for me my wife knows and helps me as well.

This wasn't always the case though...
She found out when i was still living at my parents house and said she didn't want any of it coming to the new house we were building.
She did find part of my stash and asked for it to be gone or she'd be the one leaving... So i did pack some it into a bag ready to take to the Salvos... She saw it and was satisfied that i'd gotten rid of everything.. I didn't tell her for a while that i'd only gotten rid of the stuff that never fitted or didn't anymore.
I finally came clean about it, and she's been great ever since.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Jenna,
This is a difficult situation for you to find yourself in. I really do think you need to try and sit down with your wife and talk things through. Her lack of understanding is causing fear and that is why she is reacting in this way. Of course Idont know your wife and maybe this is her way of dealing with everything, but you will more than likely find that she is acting this way because she is frightened.

What she really needs to know is that this is in no way a threat to your relationship and it doesn't mean that you have sexuality issues. (thats if you havn't of course). She also needs to understand that this will not just go away and if supressed could indeed make you quite ill either mentally or physically. The relationships that I have been privvy to where by the wife has forbidden the hubby to enjoy his CDing have always ended up being fraught with difficulties. The hubby may well cease to cross dress but the anquish that this has caused him has caused other problems to manifest elsewhere in the marriage. I even know of one wife who couldn't stand the situation any more and on the grounds of mental health issues for both of them ended up compromising and letting him dress when she wasn't around.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to sit down and talk, reassure her, tell her you love her and she comes first, ask her to hear you out and give you a chance before she totally writes this off and ask if there is anyway she can find it in her heart to compromise and let you be the person you are. If she is still unwilling to give you a chance then I am afraid you will have to re evaluate what is more important to you. I would say a marriage is always worth more than a lifestyle but then I am not a Cross Dresser.

It is also worth noting that out of her fear she is acting quite unreasonably. Cross Dressing has never damaged anyone emotionally unless the CD has been unfaithful or acted irrationally. I think maybe she is going a tad over board. She too has to evaluate what is more important to her. I certainly wouldn't give up a marriage just because my Hubby decided to do something as harmless as CDing. She definitely needs to be educated and your in the driving seat on that one my friend. However, should you need a helping hand I am always here.

I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to sort things out.
Love
bev

[FlygrlChristy]

Hi, Jenna,

Don't feel alone in this, I've have been in your situation, and I know the conundrum you've found yourself in. I've had to see a therapist myself, but it was one who was against CDing, and tried to get me to stop, because of the angst I was causing my wife who obviously was having a real problem with it. I did some research and found a therapist who was well versed in TG issues, and knew that this wasn't going to go away any time soon if ever.

I value my relationship with my wife and kids, and don't want to lose either because of this, so my wife reluctantly came with me to the new therapist, after I fired the other one, and it has made a big difference in our relationship, my wife still is not supportive, but is coming to the understanding that this is not something she can make go away by wishing it to or threatening me.

Make sure your therapist is well versed in these issues, because even though they have a shingle on the wall, it doesn't mean they are well versed in all issues, since this is not your run of the mill problem for a relationship. :hugs:

Good Luck, if you need to talk pm me.

Christy

[Shelly67]

I,m sorry that you both are certainly waging war against one another . But , I will certainly be very straight with you also .
What did you really expect ?
After all , you did tell her you,d stopped . Imagine how she feels ....... probably lied to , and very untrustworthy . No marriage works without trust.
I think there is only one thing to do at present. It wont be easy , but the best things in life never are ..... please , these are only my thoughts and considerations .
I,d firstly try to stop all the arguments and strong words you both vent on the subject of crossdressing and its perceptions. I would also most certainly stop dressing for the time being . It,s without doubt , now this has become reality , if youre wife see,s or finds anything to do with crossdressing ( ie perhaps "panda eyes " ) then things will erupt. Youve both got to realise this should really take a back seat as you both have a far greater responsibility . Children.
I can certainly see why youre wife ( who probably has no understanding on crossdressing ) is unstable with the matter of youngsters living in such an enviorment , but in reflection I think the arguments that they witness to be more destructive emotionally . Keep the children out of it .
And after all , theres loads of cd,s on here with happy fulfilled families . I should imagine , free time to dress must be planned for around the day to day lifestyle - with joint understanding and acceptance . Even if it means in another room of the home perhaps at an alloted time . Alone if need be . But this is far in the future , when the relastionship is solid.
However , to start I think it wise we all in life admit one thing - the past can never be changed But if you can agree to draw a line , to try and chat about how you both feel ,one at a time without interuption and agreeing if the conversation gets heated or uncomfortable to stop right there .. you must for all youre sakes try to get those communication lines going again ....without rage . Try to find each other ...... you have a very real history growing up with you . You can at least , try to guide the future ......let the past be where it is ...in the past .
Its horrible when angst , and raw anger dictates a conversation . You simply cannot be heard , or indeed listen when in this scenario . I really think you need to sit down in a calm enviroment when you,ve both agreed to at least and try to restore communication and really open up . You must ENFORCE youre love for youre wife with the most support she needs . I think its a good idea to probably seek out marriage councelling too .
As I can only read and try to imagine youre plight you both share I sincerely hope I havent upset either of you with my bluntness. I hope and pray for you both to find equal footing , understanding and at the very least peacefullness.
Please try to see further than the anger that at present has a hold on youre life . And for goodness sake , try to accept one another , be yourselves , without blame and remember that oath ...." For better , for worse "
Now try to save youre family .
Good luck .

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jenna

You have been given a lot of great advice here

I am sorry to hear your wife is having trouble accepting your crossdressing

The fact she wants it to stop suggests to me she does not have all the information that a partner needs. Stopping is something that can be done but I am just not sure for how long. I stopped for a few years but the urge returned.
What affect it would have on me had I been unable to dress following this period I dont know but I am not sure it would have had a good outcome

Your wife has probably a lot of concerns because you have 3 children which I can understand, but it is possible for them to grow up without them knowing even if you are still dressing

You will also find a lot of good information in my signature link which she may find it useful to read

Even when she has all the infomation it may still be difficult for her but at least then she may understand why its so difficult to stop

She may find it useful to talk with other partners to see how they got through the shock of finding out and coming to the realisation they could accept it is some way

Good luck :hugs:

[Di]

My feeling on it is it is a part of you and you can not stop except for short periods of time.
I do not know your wife so not advising you what to do...you have 3 small kids. But if you think she would understand more armed with the truth then talk to her.Get her info and books. Tell her this is a part of you...you are the same person you always have been ect ect.
But your decision wishing you the best

[Genifer Teal]

I am sure you all have heard this before,

How did she feel about it before you got married? Not much you can do now. How would you feel if your wife told you several times she stopped doing XXX only to have you find out again that she lied and was still doing it? This part might bother her more than the dressing. It carries over to everything you say and do. Once a liar . . . You have broken her trust. THat is the first (and most difficult) thing you must fix.

Gen

[Christinedreamer]

I do not respond well to threats from anyone. I was very lucky in that my ex thoroughly enjoyed my dressing although our activity level was fairly limited to at-home dressing and lounging around in lingerie and peignoirs etc.

(BTW we divorced on friendly terms and it had nothing to do with me being a CD. In fact after we divorced I was back in town on business and we made contact and she came over for a night and was most insistent on me wearing lingeire for her.)

On the main point, You are a human being and just as deserving of HER respect as she is of yours. Just because she is a GG does NOT mean you automatically have to acquiesce to her every wish. Suppose she wanted to watch Oprah live and reruns all day. Would you be expected to just say "Ok honey whatever you want" even though you detested Oprah and your wife was not doing her part to manage and support the household?

Respect is a 2 way street. In order to get it you must give it. Granted that having a CDing husband or boyfried is a bit of a stretch for many GGs, but it is and always be a part of you. No person has the right to tell you point blank that "they" will not allow a part of you to exist and that no matter what pain it causes YOU, "they" insist that you never do it. If you voluntarily choose to try to devoid yourself of these desires to dress in deference to her, that is a choice you make. But to be sure, it is a choice you make with full knowledge that you may well be miserable and feel as though you are not living a whole life.

IMHO any GG that forcefully imposes her will on her SO with no opportunity to learn more about CDing is not truly living as a loving and SHARING partner. In my experience, if someone tries to impose their will unfairly on you in one circumstance, they will have no compunction at all about using coercion in any other circumstance.

If after there have been heartfelt attempts from BOTH parties to come to an understanding and they still cannot find common ground then either partner can make a CHOICE as to what to do, just don't allow anyone to tell you or any part of you that you have no right to exist in their world.

God made us the way we are. We may not know the reason but no one has the right to second guess God.
I know many here do not follow any particular faith. I am an independent myself but I did find it interesting that the Bible states that Angels are "neither male nor female" and as we all know, many people around the world revere us as "twin spirited" and we are thought to have special powers of understanding. Some of us try to use them to relate to people on deeper levels than the usual macho BS. Some have not yet experienced that.

IMO, there MUST be a reason.
Stepping down off my soapbox now.

Christine

[Melinda G]

First of all, do not leave! If it comes to a divorce, you will be seen as abandoning her, even if she asked you to leave. If you are working and paying the bills, or your name is on the deed or mortgage, she has no right to ask you to leave, although many women do think they can just throw a guy out. Doesn't work that way!

That said, if she married you as a man, I guess she has a right to expect you to stay that way. Not taking sides here. Just calling it like I see it. If she stopped shaving her legs and underarms, got a mans haircut, and started dressing butch, you might not be a happy camper either. I don't see a happy ending here. CDing is for life. It's like the mob. You can never get out. plan accordingly! Protect yourself.

[Tamara Croft]

Well, first of all, stop lying to her, you told her you'd stopped and you hadn't... we all know that 9 times out of 10, this is not even possible... it's part of you, that won't change, you know that, we know that, but how much of that does your wife know? Have you given her anything to read? educated her at all? She probably knows nothing about a CD life, has no one to talk to etc... Does she have an email? what do you think about some of the GG's here having a chat with her, myself included? Would she be willing to talk to us do you think?

Breaking up a family isn't the answer, especially when there are children involved. If we can help her try to understand just a little bit of a CD life, do you think that would help? I'm sending you some :hugs: you sound like you're in a right pickle :(

[ggtracy]

Definately have a talk with her. Except this time, explain that CDing is part of who you are and that you've tried many times to stop because you love her so much but that you know you can't.

If you are confident and proud of CDing, then it may give her some motivation to change her thoughts. If you give in and say you are going to stop each time, then it reinforces in her mind that CDing is a bad thing.

Once she realizes that it is she that has to make to change this time, hopefully you can direct her to this site.

[Sandra]

Ok you shouldn't have told her you'd stopped when you hadn't :slap: but now you need to talk to her and try to get her to understand, that it is a part of you and while you may be able to put it on hold it will never go away.

Be honest with her and let her have her say, also make sure she knows that you still love her and that that hasn't changed.

I agree with Tamara about seeing if she'll chat with other GGs, it's very lonely when you think you're the only one and know one to talk to, all sorts of things go through your mind, and this is probably what is happening with her now, so do try to get her to chat with some of us.

[paulaluvssz8]

I was given the same thing you were. STOP NOW! My wife couldn't believe that the man's man she married wanted to wear womens clothing.... She tried for a couple of months to figure it out. And said in a letter that if I didn't stop then I should just get a divorce and leave her and the kids. Because there was no way that people wouldn't find out about my "problem". It would ruin my career and my family. It would embarrass the kids and kill them she said. Well I made the choice for those around me rather than my own self. I quit for some time, and only dress in complete private now. I think she suspects me of dressing now but it is one of those don't ask don't tell things. I will keep my secret a secret until there arent as many people who can be hurt by my CDing. I may never tell anyone else other than my friends on here. So make you decesion based on your children and your wife, and not on your own feelings. Because there are others involved in your life other than yourself. Hope that isn't to hard, but in this life nothing is easy.:straightface:

[Ravin_nightshade]

MY wife was much the same way when i told her. she didn't even want to touch me because i was "dirty". I told my wife the same thing that i quit ( i made it 2 months painfully especially when she took me with her so she could buy some clothes then asked me to pick something out for her) shortly there after I started dressing again. I didn't tell her but i think she knew because she said i was starting to act a little more girly. i told her that i had once or twice and that i was struggling with it and that was all she said. for the first time yesterday she found a fem hoodie. I thought she was going to flip when she confronted me about it. and she was a little aggressive but she just put it back and left it at that.

I don't want to beat you up but the rest of the girls are right first you need to be honest with her. second i think its great that you are seeing a therapist, but I think you should go further like couples therapy. this will give her a chance to vent to a person who is non bias and will be able to explain the feelings that you just have a problem expressing to her. also the therapist might be able to give her stuff to read or even direct her to a site. this will show her that you do love her and you want to work through this (together).

[Daintre]

Not much to add, I think you have already been given some good advice along with the view that most of us have which is....Yes you can stop for a while, but the dressing will come back and back and back.

My question though is this...Are you using your therapist properly? or are you beating around the bush with him/her. I ask because my therapist and I wasted a lot of time discussing things that were not at the root of the problem. You need to bring all this to the therapist, maybe then you can communicate better with your wife. Your wife, who is confused, scared, angry and wanting her husband back.

I guess I am a broken record...communication between you two is a must, meaningful interaction with your therapist is also a must. Above all be honest, no more lies.

[KayR]

Theres some great advice here. I won't add anything except my support for you both. I hope you can work things out and save your marriage.

[DonnaT]

Jenna, as Bev mentioned, you need to talk with her. A long in depth talk.

You know this isn't going away, and she needs to know it as well. Purging and lying about stopping isn't at all helpful.

As for leaving, if you are still in love with your wife, then you might try telling her that you love her, always will love her, and will not ever leave her. Tell her if she feels like leaving you, you won't stop her, but you'll still love her and understand.

I told my wife that very thing. It took her back. She said she thought she'd never hear me say she could leave if she need to. She did leave for a couple of hours, to think. She came back and we talked some more. Made compromises we can both live with.

Now she has no misunderstanding about this part of me. She knows it won't go away. And she knows it won't be going back into the closet.

We celebrated our 33rd anniversary last week.

YMMV and she just might leave for good. But don't you leave.

[Shelly67]

Whatever you decide to do , go gently , go slowly .
Ultimatums are certainly also to be avoided . In times of great emotions and panic , at a last resort you maybe tempted to use one without realizing..........
Good luck & dont give up !

[JennaDesire]

I just want to thank all of you for your heartfelt responses. You all have made me feel like family here. I have never had so much support for anything in my life. I love all of you! There is more to my marital problems than the dressing. I think that no matter what my wife will never understand this. Sometimes you can just tell by the way a person reacts to situations. I truly believe that the only way this can come to a good conclusion for her is if I stopped. I have always dressed in private, so that was not the problem. She does not want it occur at all, no questions asked. Her opinion on it is if it is a part of me, that is not good, and things cannot work out. She is truly not going to be convinced that this is a part of me. In her eyes if I loved her I would not dress. Dressing to her is embarrasing and not something a man should do. I think I need to see where this takes me and let life decide the solution.

[Shelly67]

I,m afraid a comment of " if you loved me you wouldnt be doing this " is in short a form of emotional blackmail .
There needs to be clarity in this situation , that I,m certain only a proffessional outsider would be able to help illuminate and perhaps help both of you see all of youre problems.
I,d go seek help .
A marriage guidance or something of that nature .
Good luck .

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

[Christinedreamer]

Perhaps if you examine turning the tables on her if she simply will not even discuss this. Tell her that you married a woman and women wear dresses pantihose, heels etc. They do not wear mens style jeans, shirts, jockey shorts or anything that is typically considered masculine clothing. That ought to get a cionversation started. It might get a little heated but the point will be made.

Obviously this is extreme but this same argument has been used against us for years. This has been asked and expressed many times here and on other discussion forums.

"What is good for the goose is good for the gander."

I am sorry ladies but I think we have a right to be who we are and to do so without fear of threats. I am not saying to CD and give no thought to the concerns of your SO, but I DO think if you cave in to threats it will be a downhill ride to a less-than pleasant ending.

[Melinda G]

I'm still looking for a June Cleaver. Probably why I'm still single.:D

[carolinoakland]

The dressing was the first thing to deal with, but the major thing now is how can she trust you? You've proved that to her beyond a shadow of a doubt. Rebuilding that and dealing with your dressing is going to require help, don't be afraid to ask for it, from us, but mostly from her. That's the only way to start rebuilding the trust. And remeber we are on your side here, Carol