CD'ing Fear

[AKAMichelle]

I have recently worked up the courage to get out of the closet. The fear of being exposed or laughed at is what kept me in the prison for so long. So I have thought about why it was so difficult to just go out and I have come up with other situations which we somehow are able to overcome.

1) Asking the prettiest woman in the room out on a date
2) Getting that first kiss
3) Going on that new job interview
4) Moving to a new city or country
5) Making a presentation to a room full of people
6) Breaking up with our girlfriend
7) Having whoopie for the first time

We all seem to work up courage to do these things, but many stay in the closet and won't go out dressed. It seems to me that we have built the walls and the door to our closet ourselves. We keep the door locked out of fear.

So I just want to add how I conquered the fear. I looked at myself and realized that I didn't like my closet anymore. I decided that I was going out the door no matter what. I took the Nike slogan and Just did it!. I wanted to write this thread to help conquer their fear and get out. If nothing else but a meeting with other CD'ers or a drive in the car. Conquering our fear is a bunch of baby steps which we all must take.

So what other ways have you found which helped to free yourself of the closet? This should help others to come face to face with who they are and find a balance in their lives for crossdressing.

[TommiTN]

"We all seem to work up courage to do these things, but many stay in the closet and won't go out dressed. It seems to me that we have built the walls and the door to our closet ourselves. We keep the door locked out of fear."

The one thing the items you listed have in common is that they are situations, while potentially stressful and ego damaging, people living mainstream lives encounter with fair regularity. CDing, while more accepted today, is still out of the mainstream and still has the potential to irreparably damage a CDer's career, social and family life. We do keep the door locked out of fear: fear of the consequences of being outed to a generally unsympathetic public. This is where joining a formal support group really helps. Doing so gives the CDer a chance to interact personally with others of like mind and to actually get out and about in a group setting.

Where I live I wouldn't even think about going out dressed in public. But a few hours drive puts me in a large city with an active support group where I can let Tammi out of the closet in relative safety.

[tamarav]

Getting out dressed is just like having had sex. Once you do it, it is difficult to go back to holding hands (or staying in the closet)

Get out there and strut your stuff, remember, you are the star and the rest of the people are just the audience...

[Ruth]

Fear is a useful sensation. It protects you from harm. Being known as a CDer can have a lot of adverse effects and let's not pretend otherwise.
Being cautious about one's CDing is necessary for most of us to protect ourselves and those dear to us from hurt.
It's all very well to say "we built the walls ourselves and we keep the door locked out of fear" but you make it sound like the dangers are all in our imagination. Well, they're not.
I'm not saying that the people who would ridicule us, ostracise us and kick us out of our jobs are justified. Of course they're not. But they are pretty hard to deal with.
So don't encourage everybody to jump right out of that closet and confront the world.

[Deidra Cowen]

First off some might just be playing it smart and are staying in the closet on purpose ...not out of fear! I personally go out and all that stuff...and luckily I have defied the odds and not gotten busted yet! (but so far I have seen two women from work out clubbing...plus I have seen some people I know while driving enfemmee..but no one read me yet)

Clubbing was easy....the biggest scary thing I did was probably go to the mall the first time! I wrote about here a long time ago but I bascially went to the mall ...kinda had a panic attack when a young girl read me...and hauled bootie outta the store. But I gathered my composure in the car and ended up going to like a drug store and a Marshals..well some stand alone type store and was proud I over came my fear.

I will confess something...I have been to straight bars, malls, traveled enfemme...but to this day sometimes I get that old fear in me! Happened Saturday night, before going to a party I was going to shop at Old Navy. But I just did not have that confident feeling and chickened out on the store.

Oh well!

[AKAMichelle]

Everybody has a reason for being protective. My point was that we make such a big deal of getting out of the house dressed when it is no different that many other stressful events. We somehow overcome them but some never find any relief from the fear associated with crossdressing.

If we can never find an outlet (some group meeting or going out of town where no one knows us), then isn't crossdressing truly a CURSE! What else can you call something that keeps locked away in a prison cell of our own design and always looking over our shoulders. I think that for us to truly enjoy the benefits of crossdressing then we must:
1) Accept ourselves for who we are
2) Find others to help us become who we were born to be

I find fear mostly equal to the guilt of what we do. Guilt is never associated with a gift. So there is the biggest dilemna of all. How do we deal with the guilt and fear associated with being a crossdresser? Is crossdressing a gift for those who go out in the public and a curse for the rest? I don't think so but I'm trying to reconcile these feelings and I was looking for others input. Thanks

[PamelaTX]

So there is the biggest dilemma of all. How do we deal with the guilt and fear associated with being a crossdresser?

It's taken me decades to find an answer to that question, but for me, at least in part, the answer is: love.

Love yourself for who you are. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Once you do this, you can begin to love others unreservedly, and this is the key to true happiness.

[Nicki B]

It's all very well to say "we built the walls ourselves and we keep the door locked out of fear" but you make it sound like the dangers are all in our imagination. Well, they're not.

You don't think many of us build the walls way higher than we need to, nor that the 'dangers' are somewhat exaggerated? Many posts on this board often seem to really be seeking validation for not going out.. Bad things can happen to everybody, dressed or not.

Which side of the wall are you talking from? :strugglin

[Jolene]

Fear is a useful sensation. It protects you from harm. Being known as a CDer can have a lot of adverse effects and let's not pretend otherwise.
Being cautious about one's CDing is necessary for most of us to protect ourselves and those dear to us from hurt.
It's all very well to say "we built the walls ourselves and we keep the door locked out of fear" but you make it sound like the dangers are all in our imagination. Well, they're not.
I'm not saying that the people who would ridicule us, ostracise us and kick us out of our jobs are justified. Of course they're not. But they are pretty hard to deal with.
So don't encourage everybody to jump right out of that closet and confront the world.

We all have our own reasons for what we do. Living in a large city would help overcome the fear for me but my city is not large. I can think of more than a few people who would never let it rest if I were found out. My skin not being all that thick Jolene will keep her head low for now. I do enjoy wearing what I can without notice and sometimes a bit more. The world is far from perfect and we all do what we can.

I find this site and all of you here a Great help to me.
Thanks
Jolene :)

[emmicd]

I also don't believe I'm afraid to leave the proverbial closet.

I do however feel I am more comfortable there since that is all I know.

I love to dress and express my feminine side and would like to share it but i don't think that is practical.

I do like to share my experiences here though!

emmi
xoxo

[AKAMichelle]

Which side of the wall are you talking from? :strugglin

The outside. I ventured out and found that people don't notice as much as expected. I also noticed that people were very nice to me when dressed. Even though I don't think that I pass, I had a lot of fun getting out of the house. I just wondered why it took me so long. :devil:

I hate more than anything else how I let fear turn crossdressing against me. Crossdressing became a curse when if you can accept crossdressing then it is so much more.

[Jocelyn Renee]

Staying vs. leaving the closet is a tough subject to tackle. It's been my experience that leaving the closet is not nearly so scary as we build it up to be, but that certainly isn't the last word in the debate. I was in the closet for nearly 30 years and remember well the intense fears that would crop up every time I considered venturing outside my house. Fears of ridicule or being discovered by someone I knew were my primary worries. I think it's important to point out that it's perfectly fine to remain in the closet. It certainly doesn't diminish your status in the "club" and the fact is going out does expose you to dangers. I was exposed by a vengeful live-in girlfriend once and ended up losing her, our daughter, my job, and most of my friends. It was a pretty devastating experience.

That time period taught me a great deal about life and served as the catalyst for the acceptance I enjoy today. Over time I realized two important facts: 1) The experience didn't kill me; 2) There was something profoundly wrong with the relationships I had lost. I found myself looking at the people in my life in a much different way. I started realizing that if they would not want to be part of my life because I wore a dress then I did not want them to be a part of my life when they were ignorant of that fact. This life belongs to me, not them. Why would I want someone in my life who was so shallow? My soul is so much more than merely what I choose to wear on any given day.

My life philosophy is difficult to sum up in a few words and I don't wish to come off as harsh. The fact is I absolutely love people. I don't flaunt my bi-gendered nature or force them to participate. I'm also aware that acceptance is not the same thing as support. There are a number of people in my life who believe what I am doing is wrong, yet they understand that CDing is not the sum total of me and choose to remain in my life. These folks are a true blessing and I am happy to compromise by socializing with them as Charlie.

Of course, I also compromise when it comes to my wife. We made a vow to love, honor, and obey each other and this promise is the basis for the compromises we've worked out over the years regarding my gender status. Same goes for my children. Everyone else, however, has to live with the reality that my family sets. We are committed to living a life of truth. Living a life based on deception is too stressful and literally makes me physically ill. The truth is: I wear a dress. Some people don't like that and that is OK. That is the truth of their lives and they will make the decision to not be a part of my life. Sometimes I am saddened by their decision; other times I am glad, but it absolutely is not my responsibility to make them comfortable in their own skins.

[CD Susan]

So what other ways have you found which helped to free yourself of the closet? This should help others to come face to face with who they are and find a balance in their lives for crossdressing.[/QUOTE]

I lived in the closet for over 40 years and grew to dislike this so much that finally just two months ago I gained the courage to leave it. I told myself that I was just going to do it and not worry about what others might think if they read me. I feel that my desire to leave the closet was stronger than my fears of doing so and I took the plunge. This worked for me and I go out regularly now. If I am being read I do not know about it as no one has said anything to me or showed any kind of negative reaction. I am glad that I made this decision to come out as it has changed my life for the better in many ways. I have developed friendships with other cd's and go out with them in public. I feel I wasted so many many years of my life by hiding in the closet but now I am happy living my life the way I should have so long ago.

[Cathytg]

Did someone say "Just do it"? That actually works.

My first time out involved a long drive to Phoenix to spend the day shopping enfemme. I was scared to death. I got halfway there and told myself that I would stop a the upcoming rest area and walk among other people. I knew if failed to do that I might as well go back home and hide. Once I opened the car door I felt committed and discovered that I felt great. It was if a switch was thrown and I moved into a different world. I even went on the Phoenix to a Famous Shoe Store and tried on some famous shoes! How strange it was! Once I left the car I left the closet for that day. How freeing it was.

I still fight the reluctance at first but now I know that I will be fine once I get myself moving.

[tricia_uktv]

I knew I was going to come out about ten years ago, but sometimes family and work situations get in the way. I firmly believe put family first. My children are now old enough to accept what I am but I still do it only away from home to protect them.

The most important thing for me was the acceptance that there was no way I was going to 100% pass; that I would always be viewed as a crossdresser. I then spent around three months building up an inner steel to allow me to take any abuse and retort, in an amusing not an agressive way.

I am amazed at the few comments and the number of smiles I get. Most people are more interested in their own lives. It has now almost become a drug, I so love doing it and I am able now to do almost everything I can in drab, dressed. The one thing I haven't cracked is which rest room to use when I'm in a shopping centre!

[Nicki B]

My first time out involved a long drive to Phoenix to spend the day shopping enfemme.

Starting by doing it somewhere you're not known does help you overcome some of the barriers in your head?

[TommiTN]

"The one thing I haven't cracked is which rest room to use when I'm in a shopping centre!"

Use the loo that is appropriate for how you are dressed. I would feel much safer using the ladies' when dressed as a lady than going to the gents' while dressed as a lady. Just remember to sit 2P!

[battybattybats]

It would be better for the whole world in the long term for us all to be out. However doing so does involve risk. Each has to make the choice themselves but we can work together to make it easier for everyone.

Safety in numbers. You may not pass as well but you'll be safer. So try and find others in your area and be there for them.

The system. Work towards ensuring that we are all served by the system. That's laws, policies, government. No matter your personal politics try and contribute to ensuring your party or politician is working towards giving us the same protection that other groups with less need than us currently get.

Personal power. Whatever your job is, whatever your talents are you can try and use them in some way to help us all.

Charity begins at home. And with more TG people than average unemployed, homeless or unable to afford proper medical care then those of us more fortunate should volunteer a little or donate a little to help.

Diversity is good. It's easy for groups to squabble or split, wasting resources and reducing effectiveness. Therefore in all things try and be inclusive rather than exclusive. Forgiving rather than begrudging.

By making it easier for others to come out, by making it safer and giving them support then we can speed up the pace at which the world changes very fast indeed.

[AKAMichelle]

Starting by doing it somewhere you're not known does help you overcome some of the barriers in your head?

This was one of my main points. We so quickly say that crossdressing is a gift, but then in the next sentence say that we can't go out because of our fear. Whatever the reason, our gift seems more like a curse when we are the ones in the prison. So what I wanted to do by this thread was encourage some of the people locked in prison to find a release. If they do nothing more than drive the car out of town. Go shopping out of town or go to a group meeting. The closet (prison) is closed for business.

All of us need to find a way to accept ourselves and quit keeping the cell door locked all of the time. Get out and do something. Discover who they are and how to deal and balance their life as a crossdresser. Then they can begin to see crossdressing as a gift which so many believe.

[Karren H]

I'd Play it safe and stay in doors if I were you!!! That way there's just one less person I have to compete aginst at the clearence racks!!! Hahahaha

[bimini1]

I have 2 basic fears that keep me closeted. Running into some violence. And runnning into someone I know, them spreading it around about me and then having to deal with that fall out.

I have run into people I know in drab hundreds of miles away from home, so the world is not really that big. I remember a trip to new Orleans once years ago. I had just come out of a wig shop and ran straight into some folks I knew from about 3 states over. I used to teach and they were former students of mine. That was a shocker. Now what are the odds of that happening. I took it as a sign from the Universe to stay indoors.

I know if I went out I would not be able to calm down long enough to enjoy the exprience, I'd look so scared and nervous that would already set off red flags in people's minds. Funny part is when I started to explore real dressing and a full femme presentation around 1999, this was not the case. It seems I have gone backwards.