Is it just me???

[Donnadcd]

I am a closeted, 48 y/o cd, also with a lot of desire to transition. I'm finding that every day my frustration level of not being able to come out is growing exponentially. I am almost at the point of just blurting it out to whoever is that lucky person when I decide to burst.

So I really don't know what to do next.

I have a feeling that it's really going to eat me up inside.

I think I already know the answer to this one - it'll find its own way of coming out, and I'll feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulder.

This site brings me a lot of comfort knowing I'm not alone.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Sandra Dunn]

Well first are you married? If so you'll need to tell her. Either way something that helped me was being able to go out to diferent functions where I knew I could be me. Like LGBT activities or a support group, even traveling to another town to break out. I found that once I was able to find avenues to express myself the need to transition supsided.
HUGS Sandra

[Angie G]

you know to transition you must go throw meny steps to see if it's right for you. If the feeling is such that that's all you think about than maybe you should look into it more. :hugs:
Angie

[AKAMichelle]

Wanting to transition involves living like a woman for a year. That's getting out of the closet a lot. You can't make a decision like that until you get out and learn what it really involves.

The easiest way to deal with all this frustration is to channel it in a different direction. When I took my first steps outside about 2 weeks ago, I made a plan of what I needed and where to go. I was on the Crossdressing Recon Squad. :D I went into places to learn the lay of the land and see how to get in and out quickly. That is a start. Then I started applying makeup to practice until I felt comfortable. Then I drove to the Wal-Mart and almost froze out of fear. 5 -10 minutes later I was out of the car. The heart was beating almost out of my chest. Good thing I had a bra on to hold it in. :devil: Walked around for about 15 minutes in the store. It was a first step.

You need to take baby steps and just do it. Then you will calm down and things will become much easier for you. I made me kind of a Primary Bucket List of things to do while dressed. I hope to complete the list later today when I go to the mall.

My Bucket List:
1) Buy something in a store en femme
2) Drive around for awhile en femme
3) Buy something in a convenience store en femme
4) go to a movie theater en femme
5) Eat in a restaurant en femme
6) Go out shopping for female clothes en femme (trying them on before buying is the best part)

Today #6 is going to happen. Take baby steps and it will get easier for you. If your scared of somebody seeing you in your town, go to another town.

Have fun! :D

[Ásfríðr]

research research research hunny, the three Rs i think they call them heh.
erm, but i totally know what you're feeling, i've been really stupid in a way and bursting out to people when i bottle up and can't think about anything else until i have to explain why i'm being so "damned miserable, cheer up! what's wrong?!" they'd say. its all been fine but i wish i hadn't told a few people quite so soon. for example i'm moving in with some girls, one of whom i'm closer with than the others and i told her. she was way cool about it, actually she kinda brought it up by saying she was going to do her dissertation on transsexuality in children. anyway i wish i'd waited to see her in person to talk to her about it because her computer died and i feel a little bit silly for being so direct and forward with something like this. so relax, introspect, calculate; methinks anyway x

[Kate Simmons]

You need to be absolutely certain that this is what you really want. That involves serious introspection and therapy along with other things. Sorry to say, many have made the transition with less than desirable and sometimes disasterous results. Just be sure.

[Cathytg]

Oh, how well I understand how you feel. I am sure that a great many of us do also. The frustration builds and you think it has become unbearable.

But it surprising what a day or so of dressing can do to relieve the stress.

I have a sense that you do not dress very often. If that is so, please find a way to dress more frequently or for longer periods. Try to get past the "bursting" periods and then put your thoughts about transitioning into a better perspective. I am not full time and not TS, so I can only imagine the feelings that go with that. However, I do know that, if you are thinking about full-time CD, it ought to be done from a position of joy and not frustration.

My heart goes out to you.

[Ruth]

Frustration is the key word here. Are you frustrated in your desire to crossdress? If you got enough CDing time you would probably not feel so bad. Transition is a whole other ball game above and beyond CDing, so make sure you have gone as far as you could want with CDing before thinking about the "next step". Since you say you are closeted I suspect there is more you could do as regards CDing.

[girl_in_pantyhose]

I some times feel locked in a struggle with myself about how far I want to go. As I get older the more I want to be fem, but so many people rely on me being the wage earning male of the house hold ever since my dad moved away. One part of me wants to give up everything and start over as a female and the other half is tied to the family i care very much about. Maybe I am just too used to sacrificing my happiness. I doubt those in my house hold would fully reject me as long as I continue paying for their lifestyles.

[Jenna Lynne]

Recognizing and honoring your feelings is really good, and really important. But as others in this thread have noted, taking the process step by step is important too. You may find that you're happy to be moving forward ... or you may find that reality doesn't match your hopes or expectations.

One thing I don't think has been mentioned in this thread (I skimmed, I didn't read every line) is finances. It still happens sometimes that m2f transsexuals lose their jobs -- and even if you can land another job, you'll learn that women don't earn as much as men do!

There are all kinds of issues like this that you need to learn about. Consulting a therapist who specializes in gender issues would be a very good idea.

Good luck!

***Jenna Lynne***

[Niya W]

Different take.

I read that you were closeted. You need to get out. In public situations , not trans events.

[Donnadcd]

Every one of you have pretty much hit the nail on the head on just about everything I can think of. I can't thank each and every one of you enough for you help and comments. That's why I come here.

A little more about me:

- I am 48 years old.
- I have dressed - mostly in a verrrrry limited capacity since about 10 years old.
- I have also had a very strong desire to actually be a female for just as long - and not just dress. I know that for sure. I spent countless hours as a kid crying myself to sleep hoping my sex would mysteriously change over night. Never mind the time spent just browsing the web looking for that magic pill. To date - nada.
- I got married and still have never told my wife. In addition, she being someone who would not want to discuss (never mind understand) anything even remotely resembling this subject.
- Life happened - making it even more impractical to actually come out (or maybe that's my hangup right there)
- I feel the opportunity to have done what I should have is getting to the point of being way past due, if not nearly completely gone for good.
- I have virtually NO opportunity to get away on my own, even for brief periods to do any kind of enfemme enjoyment - which I know I would love.
- I am trying to figure out how exactly to assemble at least a decent inventory feminine accessories and attire. I really want to put together the "total package". Right now when I am able to slip into something (putting on heels or slapping on a real half-assed attempt at makeup) it feels great, but I still feel like that teenager sneaking around hoping he doesn't get caught. I guess I don't feel like I should have to be sneaking at all at this point in my life.
- I don't want what can be construed by others as my own selfish pursuits to come at the expense of my loved ones. They didn't do anything.

So I guess this all has a way of festering up as a function of time and frustration to where I am now. It's that thing that I alone must take control of and finally stop this 38-year period of somehow thinking that it was somehow magically going to take care of itself or simply go away.

It is who I am.

My name is Donna and I am transgendered.

There I said it to you.

Yet another little step towards womanhood.

Come on, now just give me a hand explaining it all to my wife - :bighug:

[PamelaTX]

Come on, now just give me a hand explaining it all to my wife - :bighug:

First let me say that if your real desire is gender reassignment you need to discuss this with a competent professional. There just isn't any substitute for that.

I just recently told my wife that I'm a crossdresser. I have no desire for gender reassignment, so the main issue for me was to open up to her. I tried a couple of times to tell her and chickened out. To get past this, I picked a day and said "This is the day I'm going to tell her." To keep myself from chickening out again I bought a pack of panties. On the big day I put on one pair and put the others in my underwear drawer. I put myself in a position where if I didn't tell her there was no way that she wasn't going to find out on her own. Strange panties in the laundry are impossible to miss.

It was still one of the hardest things I've ever done, and the emotional repercussions didn't stop there.

The best thing I did was listen to what the people here were telling me. These are smart folks, very much worth listening to.

Good luck, and God bless you.

[Eleanor]

Hi Donna, It`s eventually going to come down to 2 things: Either you tell her and be yourself and take the consequences Or continue hiding in frustration and most likely get caught eventually. That is my take on this. Ellie xoxo.

[tamarav]

Donna,
You might want to consider making an appointment with a therapist to understand what your actual frustrations are. The therapist can guide you through steps and assist you in ways to tell your wife. All of this is essential. I believe, like a number of other members, that you are just like we are, we need to dress to stifle that desire to go further.

Don't let the time slip away from you, make an appointment and go to it.

Your sis,

Tami