Some advice Please

[Rachaelb64]

Ok, I'm in two minds at the moment. My SO's daughter has ask to see Rachael!

Now she is 12yrs old and has known about Rachael since she moved in with us about two months ago, but I've been careful not to dress when she has been around. This was a joint decision by myself and my SO.

She has ask me questions and both me and my SO have answered them honestly.

So last we are watching TV and she says 'can I see as a woman?' Completely wrong footed me, so I said I'd think about it.

Both me and my SO discused this new twist. At the end of the my SO said it is my decision at the end of the day.

Part of me is 'ok lets show her', while the other half is saying so too young.

So can I some advice please :)

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Rachael....

I decided to tell my daughter after splitting with my ex [ex was threatening to "out" me]

Once she knew and decided she was ok with it, she kept asking to see "Debs", eventually i relented and "dressed" for her. She was absolutley fine with it and has seen "Debs" several times since, even watching DVDs together and she has even said that in some ways she prefers me as "Debs" as i seem a much nicer person.
[BTW, she was 14 when i told her]

I hope this helps :)

[Alice B]

It's an open subject so let her see you. It will bring you closer.

[Shelly Preston]

I think its great you have been so honest with her

I think the best approach would be to show her some pictures first

This will give her time to take in the information if you decide its the right thing to do

It will also let you see her reactions before you decide let her see you in the flesh

[JaymeCD]

How did she find out if you were careful? I think that 12 may be too young for her to see. She is at the adolescence stage where she has to deal with her own problems with growing up. I don't really think it is a good idea to show her, but if you really have to I think 16-18 is a better age. At that much time, hopefully she will forget about it. I just feel her mind isn't concrete enough, and if she tells her friends that will be another story. Like my mom's boyfriend is a cross dresser, and then she will later be teased because that is how kids are.

[Tracy_Victoria]

My view is the more people know, the more people find out. the problem is she is only 12 and she has other people in her life as well as you. While 12 year olds are cool with things now days, adults don't tend to be therefore you also have the other half of her family and friends to think about here as well.

Personally I would wait, when she is 16 and of her own free mind what she does and who she has as friends. now at a younger age some people will see more in to a situation than is actually there, and also please don't forget some people only see crossdressing as a sexual activity carried out by lonely sad people that have nothing else in there life (not true, but sadly that how some people see anything they can not understand)

Myself I have two children 11, and 13, I think they would both be cool with it, my youngest is so like me anyway, however I feel they just don't need that pressure for now knowing about me, one day I'm sure I will tell them, but for now, I'll let them enjoy there childhood, and growup in there world, before forcing them in to mine.

Just my :2c: but we are only kids once.

Oh and by the way, you have the teenage strops to deal with yet, and believe me when they hit, you can do nothing right.

[Phoebe Reece]

I can't really say what you should do. In my case, my wife and I decided to raise our kids with full knowledge of my crossdressing from the time they were born. We felt that it was more important to foster an atmosphere of trust in the family by discouraging secrets. In our case that decision worked well. Our daughter is 32 and our son 28. I have always been "daddy" to them, no matter how I have been dressed.

[sandra-leigh]

What is her maturity level like?

I can think of one of my neighbours daughters whom I believe would have been mature enough to handle it when she was 13 (that is, when I first met her) if she had ever happened to find out -- but I wouldn't trust it to my niece, currently 16, who thinks she is mature enough not to live at home (but whom obviously isn't. :sad: )


Myself (male), at age 12... I would have known enough not to blab... but I don't think I would have understood. I was somewhat slow, socially (e.g. first date of any sort at age 20), but even so by 15-16 or so I would have been accepting, at least personally. Though I don't think it was until I was perhaps 17 that I would have had the strength to stand up against someone being bullied for their gender or sexuality -- though I would have stood up to a teacher who was mistreating someone in class. (What can I say? In those days, teachers respected my marks and my principles, but I had nearly no social power amongst my classmates.)

[ggtracy]

My bf is a crossdresser and his 11 year old daughter knows and sees him dressed in femme often. Of course, this was a big issue when he divorced her mother so I am not sure how she took it initially. anyway, now she handles it fine.

My son is 13 and although he knew my bf was a crossdresser I must admit I was hestitant for him to see it at first. but now, its really no big deal. and as far as I can tell there hasn't been any big fallout. I think sometimes the kids are a bit embarassed so they don't go spreading it around like you might suspect.

Her mother should know if/when the girl is ready to see. If she is asking questions, then it sounds like she might be. You certainly don't want to make it seem like its something secret or she will get the impression that its bad.

[Sheri 4242]

There seems to be an open attitude among many young people about CDing in today's world. That said, one of my daughters is quite capable of handling the information and actually being around when I CD. Another of our children -- the one who loudly proclaims how open they are -- couldn't ever handle it b/c of how narrow-minded she really is! Still another of our children would probably handle it well, but we have not told them as there is a lot of turmoil in their life of a serious nature that is being addressed. You have to analyze the child on an individual basis -- I'd trust some 12 year olds over some who are older. You will have to put the constraints on it if you tell her so you have got to decide how you think she will handle those! If she can, then let her see that there is nothing dirty or mysterious going on!

[Sally24]

I think the best approach would be to show her some pictures first

It will let you see her reactions before you decide let her see you in the flesh

I agree with pictures first and then give her a week or two to digest that. If she still asks to see you in person than dress conservatively and do something normal like watch a movie or prepare dinner. Kids are very nimble of mind and can understand or at least accept many things.

[Bev06 GG]

Ditto to the photographs. I think its great when Dads have told their daughters and theyve been cool with it, but you have to remember Rachael she isn't your biological daughter so the same loyalties might not be there. She has only lived with you for two months thats hardly time enought to build a meaningful relationship.
I guess at the end of the day its up to you but I really cannot see what you would stand to gain from it. It could make the relationship stronger but I seriously doubt it because the majority of 12 year olds aren't mature enough to know about relationships with anyone other than immediate family and their peers.
Take care
Bev

[Rachaelb64]

Here abit more background. I have two kids of my own, a son 16yrs and a daughter 14yrs and both know about Rachael.

My son is not over keen to see me dressed although he has a couple of time. My daughter has no problem with me being dressed.

Maybe I should get my own daughter to talk to her :)

We chose to tell my SO's daughter so she would not find via a 3rd person

(namely my ex who like to throw wobblies when things are not going her way)

[valenstein]

I like the picture first idea as well, and having your 14 year old daughter present, so you can both answer questions.

I do know other CD's that say their children have used it against them in a moment of anger or feel odd if their friends find out. She may feel the need to defend you at some point and then later resent it, but I think it's better to tell than have them wonder.

[MJ]

yes pictures first.. if she is OK with that then go ahead and plain a night or day with her and your s.o present for safety sake " later should world get out you have someone for backup" but if the child wants to see you go ahead .
my children all three of them seen me the same time and accept me .
may i suggest when you do meet her just be yourself relax .. children are accepting just don't over do it thats all.. how about pizza pop and a trans movie ?

ps .. remember to let her know you still love and respect her no matter how you look

[Amy Hepker]

I would say go for it, don't let her see you half way though, make sure you do not show her until you are all done up. I would dress conservitive at first, you know a nice top and some nice jeans. Maybe later on go to dresses if she is OK with the way you look at first. 12 is not to young.

[Holly]

Rachael, I gave this a lot of thought... I think, given the situation that you have described, that it would be okay to show her. You and her mom have been open and honest with her up to now. Since the young lady asked on her own, and as long as her mother has no objections I see no issue. By NOT showing her your more feminine side, it is possible that the wrong message could be sent... that it is something that you are ashamed of and don't want her to see, or that you have no confidence in yourself. Understand, however, that you do risk the circle of people who know about Rachael could widen. Whether you choose to start with a picture or to appear live and in living color is up to you, but in either case, I would chose a somewhat casual presentation. Good luck.

[DonnaT]

Since she knows already, what's the big deal. Too young? IMHO, I don't think so. She knows and doesn't seem to have gone off telling others, so seems she's mature enough.

[docrobbysherry]

As closet CD, I would not consider it the end of the world if my 13 y/o daughter found out I dressed.

But, showing her pictures, or dressing in front of her? Not on your life!:Angry3:

[Laura_Stephens]

Separate and apart from the young lady, you should ask yourself if YOU are ready to have her see you. If not, explain toher that dressing is a private thing for you and that are not ready to be seen.

[pinklace66]

Please let me add a few comments, I also have a soon to be 12 yo. That being said my SO and I decided that it was best that she knew, and it turned out good as my SO works week ends leaving us together alone she likes the fact that Daddy likes to dress as in her words pretty. The only thing as I tend to dress younger than my age (42) I seem to have had her claim some of my nicest stuff (shes big for her age), I thank god she cant steal my shoes yet.

[Lora Olivia]

You and her mom have been open and honest with her up to now. Since the young lady asked on her own, and as long as her mother has no objections I see no issue. By NOT showing her your more feminine side, it is possible that the wrong message could be sent... that it is something that you are ashamed of and don't want her to see, or that you have no confidence in yourself. Good luck.

Thanks Holly....pretty much exactly what I was thinking. She knows already so why not let her meet you in person.

[Carin]

I totally agree with Holly. Her unrequieted curiosity is likely to be more detremental than seeing what she already knows. How far you take it beyond that should depend on her receptive attitude.

You could show her a small selection of your clothes for her comment. She will tell you which one she likes. Seeing it on you will be then be less drastic. Plus whe will get a kick out of you seeking her fashion advise.

12 year olds are astute, and smart. If she wasn't ready to handle it she wouldn't be talking about it so openly. It is ok to take you cue from her.

My :2c:. Good luck.

[Genifer Teal]

You could start with a photo. It might help show off your best look. If she likes it, you could show her your wardrobe and let her pick an outfit for you to wear. She might appreciate your asking her opinion of your clothes and letter her choose what to wear. It will make her feel more a part of the moment. I hope it goes well. It should be fine.


Gen

[Glenda]

I kind of like the idea of kids being exposed to us before they reach the teenage years. I also don't think she would be asking to meet Rachael unless she was ready. Let's be honest......if someone knows and doesn't want to see and understand it, they will let you know that they don't want to see it. The majority of the girls on this forum are in the closet and live in fear of being discovered or outed. For those of us who are out, we know that most of those fears are unfounded. If you're ashamed, don't let her meet your femme side. If you are confident, then by all means let her meet you.

[Rachaelb64]

I thank you all for your advice :)

Me and my SO decide that the picture was the best approch. So we tried it today.

The reaction was not quite what I was expexting (Not that I was sure what I was expecting), first of all was a burst of laughter (better than the running and the screaming) then she looked more closely and said I looked 'cute'.

So thats another small step :)

[MJ]

first of all was a burst of laughter (better than the running and the screaming) then she looked more closely and said I looked 'cute'.

So thats another small step :)

thats good you know there will be more questions ..." cutie "

[darla_g]

i found this thread very interesting especially since i have a 16 and 14 year old at home. I think the 16 year old has suspicions but she is starting to get contentious about what she can and can't do at this stage of her life so i have decided to wait until we can have a more adult discussion about this. I am sure right now she would throw this up in my face during a "discussion". Unless some unforseen thing comes up this is my plan.

I have thought about this a lot and even had a discussion with an 18 year old woman (not from here) who was told by her father at 15 and then saw him at 16. In her case she told me she was quite upset and it might have been better now that she waited. Now before anyone jumps off the handle this was just her opinion and i was very excited to get the opinion of someone who would have been in the exact position of my own daughter. So i consider it another data point and i will stick with my plan. This woman offered to even talk to my daughter, but i declined (considering my plan).

But when i do it i will definitely follow the first suggestion. I will get a picture and show that first. thank you for a very thoughtful thread and some really worthwhile discussion.

[Rachaelb64]

I like to thank everyone again. Your advice help not only helped me but my SO aswell, thank you again.

I think the picture route was the best option for me and my SO, I think it also help that my 14yrs daughter was present, along with my SO (odd but having my daugther there seemed to help me more :) ).

I also think that keeping the mood light and 'fun' made it easier for everyone involved.

I think making this decision would be difficult for anyone, and the route you must then one you are comfortable with.

So now my step-daughter has seen the pictures of Rachael, so now I'll let her make the next move, small steps :)

[Dusk]

Damn, I missed jumping in beforehand. My kids know and love it, so i'm glad it all went well for you too. Congrats!

[Cathytg]

however I feel they just don't need that pressure for now knowing about me, one day I'm sure I will tell them, but for now, I'll let them enjoy there childhood, and growup in there world, before forcing them in to mine.
J

Tracy, that is an excellent thought! I will second that comment. When we tell someone a secret, we place a burden on them. Letting her see you dressed is likely to change the dynamic in your household and the girl is going to be in the hot seat with it. I would want to be very sure that she is well beyond her years in maturity before I placed that on her.

I can easily understand why you would want to show her; it is all part of the validation and acceptance process and it would be wonderful to have her participate so deeply in your world. But a movement that far out of her world could be a bit stressful for her and she probably does not deserve that kind of pressure. I would go very slow here and think about he level of maturity.

The issue is her; not you.

[Rachaelb64]

Ok, here I'm ready for small steps and more questions about Rachael.

But, my step-daughter just wants to take a running jump at at it! She and my SO had been out for the day and I have got the place to myself.

So Rachael came out for a few hours. So about half-hour before they are due home I start to get ready to change back into drab, but I get phone call from my SO, she says her daughter wants to talk to me. Ok, my step-daughter ask me if Rachael is still out? So I say she is about to go 'away'. But my step-daughter says she wants to see her for real.

So I agree, feeling a bit nervous, I wait till they come home. They come home, I get a few more giggles, but my step-daughter likes Rachael. At this point she wants to see my clothes, make-up she even tries on one of my old wigs and my boots :).

She even called me Rachael (even got her mother to call me Rachael). Then she asks if my SO, her and Rachael could go shopping one day. Me my SO look at each other and agree.

So now at some point we are all going shopping.

So now I'm just playing by ear now :)

[MJ]

Thats wonderful news. i am so happy for you. now you don't have to hide anymore,i hope you enjoy fun times and great shopping together , the very best :) the next problem is when your stepdaugter brings her friends over :eek: ..
Izzy does that to me but i am out anyway for our household this is " normal " if isobel forgets to warn her friends the reaction can be fun ..

[KandisTX]

Rachael,

I wish I had seen this thread when you first posted it. I essentially had the same situation with my step daughter. We told her when she was 9 years old. The reason being she kept asking questions like "What are you wearing under your t-shirt", and the wife and I discussed it WITH her father and it was agreed that if she is old enough to ask the questions in a serious manner, she was old enough to hear the truth. Her first question after we talked with her and told her was "When can I buy you a bra and panties".

Kandis:love::rose2:

P.S. We have since told her brother (14 years old), and both of them are accepting and understanding of Kandis so I can be myself around the house when I feel like it. YEAH!!!! :cheer::cheer::twirl::twirl:

[Carin]

When you respect a child, respect their feelings, respect their emotions, respect their mental space ...

you get their respect.

Congratulations Rachael

[Janet_Johnson_cd]

If she wants to see you dressed I think thats plane enough.

[tricia_uktv]

Isn't the art to this to be open and honest; not to hide anything. Thats what makes us happy but we also need to respect others feelings. She knows and is ready to see you, if you are too then I don't see a problem.

[Deborah Jane]

She even called me Rachael (even got her mother to me Rachael). Then she asks if my SO, her and Rachael could go shopping one day. Me my SO look at each other and agree.

So now at point we are all going shopping.

So now I'm just playing by ear now :)

Go for it Rachael, there won,t be any going back now :)

Have fun and enjoy it!!

[Fab Karen]

Some people are forgetting her daughter already knows about it. The question is about showing her. 12 now is not the same as when many of us were 12. It's more like when many of us were say 15. As she already knows, go ahead & show her. Carin's a parent, she said it best.