A Conflicted Community

[Magickman]

As I read and digest the adventures of members of this community, it is impossible not to conclude that many, if not most, folks here are deeply conflicted about their roles and identities.

Relationships are the focus of much of this conflict. So many crossdressers are locked in seemingly mortal combat with their partners. "Who will wear the skirts in this relationship?" is the frequent battle cry.

Is this worth a big and long-lasting fight? I am asking about the value of prolonged, down and dirty conflict, to our lives.

Now me, I don't like to have a battle, and call it a relationship. That does not work for me.

I bring this up, because so many folks here seem to be locked in disputation with their partners. At, or near, the root of the conflict, is how people dress.

Relationships require compromise, which has acquired the connotation of surrender, so I prefer the term accommodation. We make adjustments, to perfect a better fit with our partners.

Accommodation is not surrender, though. It is a fine tuning of the interlacing of personalities. If a couple does not mesh well, then why are they together?

Why indeed? If I was in a relationship with a woman who disapproved of who I am and what I do, then I would be looking for the exit.

There is enough crap in my life, that I do not want more of it from my partner.

How should we most effectively resolve this arena of interpersonal conflict about dressing?

[Dragonfly]

There is no straight answer to that. Everyone has different situations. Some were brought up in highly religious communities where coming out would mean certain social death. Others live in big cities where things are more liberal and they are more likely to meet a liberal partner. These are only 2 examples but there is a whole spectrum of possibility.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. I mean, I have been 'teased' a bit because for the last few years I have unashamedly owned a pink mobile phone. But I can see places where such a thing would cause scurrilous rumour because some people are entrenched in an overtraditional mentality.

Noone can understand another persons situation without being that person. Judging by the stories I read on here where people are surprised to find their partner accepts their CD/TV lifestyle...and unfortunately many where they expect their partner to understand and she doesnt...I dont feel that anyone can really say "How do we tackle this?". WE cant. All we can do is take advice from others who have experience and hope for the best...

[RobinScott]

Relationships are the focus of much of this conflict. So many crossdressers are locked in seemingly mortal combat with their partners. "Who will wear the skirts in this relationship?" is the frequent battle cry.


It is so difficult combining two lives into one. So many expetations, but we all crave companionship.

My story...
I had a wonderful GF, although she did not know when we started our relationship, she was excepting, we shopped together, we dressed together. She said I was "brave" for acknoladging who I am, she encouraged me to be me!

Until the day she broke up with me saying..."I need a real man". (ouch)

I can not change who I am. I can not put Robin back in the closet. My true friends know and accept me for who I am, and if the universe ever grants me a companion again, they will know and accept me for my gender freedom.

Love,
Robin

[kittypw GG]

As I read and digest the adventures of members of this community, it is impossible not to conclude that many, if not most, folks here are deeply conflicted about their roles and identities.
Yes I agree, it seems to go from fantasy to complete obsession.

Relationships are the focus of much of this conflict. So many crossdressers are locked in seemingly mortal combat with their partners. "Who will wear the skirts in this relationship?" is the frequent battle cry. I believe that the relationship conflict could be minimized if the CD themselves would spend more time trying to figure out who and where they stand on the gender and sexual spectrum.

For me personally, I was constantly told that my ex was "just a CD" but the evidence (porn, stories, etc that I would accidentally find) would suggest that he was transexual and gay. So if you entered a relationship with a gg who really does where the "skirt" and you were a pant wearing man then mmmmm.... there should be no surprise that there would be some conflict. Most of the conflict comes from the constant mixed messages that the gg partner gets in the relationship. From my expirence, most of the gg's that I know have sought insight on why their husbands or so's are this way and what that means to them. Again it is a little difficult to figure out when you can't get a straight answer from the cd about who they are. How does a gg even attempt to figure out if she can accomodate such a mysterious relationship?

Is this worth a big and long-lasting fight? I am asking about the value of prolonged, down and dirty conflict, to our lives.
Absolutly not. I believe that gg's have the right of informed consent. Most CD's lie about this part of them or don't even tell. When you leave it to get discovered then trust becomes a huge barrier to a tranquil relationship. I don't think gg's should be blamed for this. Most of us are heterosexual and sex appeal is a huge concern. I have never been sexually attracted to women so the more my husband looked like one the less I was attracted to him. Comprimise in this arena can be achieved but not if the CD is constantly changing the palying field. I get offended when CD's blame their so's for not understanding. When cd'ing becomes an obsession and it is shoved in a gg's face constantly they don't have time to digest, process or adjust to what is happening to their partner, often this lack of adjustment becomes the source of the conflict along with a lack of comprimise and communication.
Now me, I don't like to have a battle, and call it a relationship. That does not work for me.It does not "work" for anyone. Many just live this way for lack of knowing what to do. I did for a while until the straw broke the camels back.

I bring this up, because so many folks here seem to be locked in disputation with their partners. At, or near, the root of the conflict, is how people dress.
I think you are so off the mark when you say the root of the conflict is about how people dress. It is not that at all. It is the lieing, the lack of trust, the irresponsible and secret spending, porn addictions, lack of sex drive etc. The list could go on for several pages with complaints that I personally had or that I have heard other gg's complain about. It usually is not the clothes.

Relationships require compromise, which has acquired the connotation of surrender, so I prefer the term accommodation. We make adjustments, to perfect a better fit with our partners.
I think you have hit the nail on the head here. It is the lack of comprimise, perhaps on both parts. But I have to tell you that from what I have seen, the gg so is usually the driving force behind trying to establish some workable rules and puts effort into trying to figure out what having a CD partner means for their relationship

Accommodation is not surrender, though. It is a fine tuning of the interlacing of personalities. If a couple does not mesh well, then why are they together?
Again I agree. But most often the gg remains in the dark to a lot of what goes on either in the cd's life or in his head. Many times they only see the tip of the iceburg. This kind of living is like a rollercoaster without an operator. One has to really work at finding someone to shut the ride down.
Why indeed? If I was in a relationship with a woman who disapproved of who I am and what I do, then I would be looking for the exit.
There is enough crap in my life, that I do not want more of it from my partner.
So should the gg, in my opinion. Nobody should have to live a miserable life

How should we most effectively resolve this arena of interpersonal conflict about dressing?
This can only be answered by the individual CD. And answered it should. How can ones life be balanced and happy when a person has such great inner conflict and contrasting feeling (or negative feeligs) about ones self?

Thanks for your thoughts.
:hugs:
Kitty

[PamelaTX]

There is a lot of deep insight here already. Let me just add that no two marriages are the same. Combining two lives together into a marriage requires the two of you to find ways to deal with the conflicts in your personalities. No matter how compatible you are, there will still be many conflicts. Even within a single marriage, you deal with different things in different ways. Crossdressing can be, and usually is, a big conflict and different couples deal with it differently. It's not important to achieve a perfect solution, it's only important to achieve a solution that works for you. And if your solution is different from everyone else's, well, that's just the way it is.

[Sarah...]

For me it comes down to two things. Honesty and honesty.

First, the CDer or TG or TS has to be honest with him/herself as to who s/he really is. Second, both partners in the relationship have to be honest with each other as to what they want from a life partner.

For example, having an understanding and accepting partner is not the same as having a partner committed to this way of life for ever. This seems a common misunderstanding.

In relation to points made above concerning sexual preference, honesty also extends to understanding what each others principles are. For example, one may "discover" a latent bisexuality to go with the TG personality but if there is a solidly understood (by both parties) principle of commitment to a partner / spouse then, the same as in any marriage, there is absolutely no need or desire to seek to affirm that bisexuality. In other words you are either committed to your long term relationship or you are not. You can't have your cake and eat it.

In other words not everything you discover about yourself has to be put into practice. Therefore, to back up Kitty's view above, the sooner you understand exactly where on a complex 3D spectrum of gender you are the sooner you can be clear with yourself and your partner what that means for your life together.

I feel very strongly about this and stand here saying that this is not theory, this is my approach and I have this site to thank for helping me very quickly establish who I am, a view I have now discussed thoroughly with my SO.

There is no need for conflict if everyone would just be honest with each other.

Sarah...

[Angie G]

I've known and know people like this and think why do they put up with this s--t my wife is OK with my dressing and we deal with it by compromise And I think I get the better of it. In a true relationship it can't be an all me and you don;t count thing. My wife and I in July had our 40th Anniversary And love each other as much now as we did 40 years ago. and spend most of our time together And will as long As God leaves us here.:hugs:
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

Relationships, like everything in life, r constantly changing.
The example of a CD/TS/TG individual completely hiding it from his partner initiallly, only to have it come up later to destroy their relationship, is probably quite rare!

If fact, most CD/TS/TG folks r probably not completely aware of who or what they r, when they first get with their SO. Then, something inside them, or because of changes in their relationship with their SO over time, causes their CD/TS/TG desires to increase later on.
The problem becomes; revealing these changes to their SO, and risk losing him/her, or hiding it! Many people do NOT want to give up on a relationship in which they have invested many years of their lives. And with someone they may have had children with, and around whom their whole life revolves.

On the other other hand, there's the SO. Most couples have plenty of problems that surface over their years together. Then, the dressing issue either comes up suddenly, or re-appears in a more dramatic fashion. NOW, u have, as Kitty said, the "straw that breaks the camel's back" effect.

So, it's NOT the dressing per se, it really just becomes the final straw!

Oh yeah. Been there, done that!:sad:

[MJ]

Relationships, like everything in life, r constantly changing.

The example of a CD/TS/TG individual completely hiding it from his partner initiallly, only to have it come up later to destroy their relationship, is probably quite rare!

If fact, most CD/TS/TG folks r probably not completely aware of who or what they r, when they first get with their SO. Then, something inside them, or because of changes in their relationship with their SO over time, causes their CD/TS/TG desires to increase later on.
The problem becomes; revealing these changes to their SO, and risk losing him/her, or hiding it! Many people do NOT want to give up on a relationship in which they have invested many years of their lives. And with someone they may have had children with, and around whom their whole life revolves.
On the other other hand, there's the SO. Most couples have plenty of problems that surface over their years together. Then, the dressing issue either comes up suddenly, or re-appears in a more dramatic fashion. NOW, u have, as Kitty said, the "straw that breaks the camel's back" effect.

So, it's NOT the dressing per se, it really just becomes the final straw!

Oh yeah. Been there, done that!:sad:

sherry and kitty are so right..
for me my story , i truly love my ex we were together for 21 years. out of fear i never told her but over time my need to be me was so strong and i became depressed and over the years it just got worse . i was not a happy camper .
how can you tell the one you love you want to dress has a girl !!!! after mustering all i had i told her and as Kitty said, the "straw that breaks the camel's back" effect. was all she needed pow 21 years over.

if she could have accepted that i would still be cding and be happy with that except she outed me to everyone including our church that hurt the most .

after that i had to face my truth that i am a ts .. today all my children accept me and my youngest Izzy lives with me the one big thing i learned is to be honest upfront it works for me ..

all this happened because of my fear . fear to tell and my fear to be the real me ..