She Was Gone...

[Holly]

Scares the hell out of me. Ever happen to you? Very afraid of the future.:sad:

[Mary Jane]

Holly,

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. Were I in your place I would have no idea where to go from here. I suggest having your closest friends near because I am sure they will help you through this.

Hugs,
Mary Jane

[Shelly Preston]

Would you care to explain Holly ???

<edit>

We are here whenever you need us :hugs:

[deja true]

No, hun, never happened to me! But I know it's a sad, scary thing...

Sounds like you need a mom yourself, now!

I'm so sorry, dear one, so sorry!

We're still here, though!

:<3:

[Wendy me]

Holy explane ??????????????????????............

[Kieron Andrew]

Scares the hell out of me. Ever happen to you? Very afraid of the future.:sad:

ok talk to us, explain????

[dancinginthedark]

Holly you've always been a rock -- time to lean on us now. :gh:


Love,
Mae

[TxKimberly]

Scares the hell out of me. Ever happen to you? Very afraid of the future.:sad:


Holly,

Are you OK? What happened?

[Tracii G]

Been there before if you want to talk P.M. me I may be able to help you thru this somewhat.

[Nicki B]

Holly,

Has what ever happened to us? Who are you talking about? :strugglin

:hugs:

[deja true]

Talk to those who love you, sweet Holly...

when you're ready...


:<3:

[Princess29]

I hope you are okay Holly but please tell us who is gone?

here is a big one of these :hugs: from australia

[victoriamwilliams1]

Whos gone? please explain

:hugs:

[TGMarla]

Hi Holly. She left you? Over the whole TG thing? Bummer. My thoughts are with you. Keep on keepin' on.

[whitelace]

Hey hun are you OK Please tell us what happened We're all here for you....lacie:battingeyelashes:

[GypsyKaren]

Call me, I IM'ed and PM'ed my number to you. :hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[docrobbysherry]

Your mom? Your wife? Obviously NOT Holly, because she wrote the post.

PLEASE respond! You're scaring US NOW!:sad:

[Amy Lynn3]

Holly, you are solid as a rock on this Board. I always look forward to your advice to the posters on here and I'm sure you will find the answers from within yourself.

I assume you have found out your wife has left you, with no explanation why. We can only wait here to help you and please know we all have your best intrest at heart. We all look up to you and feel your pain.

[Amy Hepker]

Holly, I feel for you. My Lady left me one day out of the blue. I had no idea where she was or how to get a hold of her. All she did was leave me a note saying she had gone and was not coming back, I was devestated to say the least. She even left her cell phone, I had noway of getting a hold of her and had no idea of how. By the next day my wits came back to me and I figured out how to find her and finally got to talk to her. She had left stae and came to Florida. All I could do was to talk to her.

Anyway, I am sorry to hear that, Have faith in GOD and Pray, GOD will help you. You also have us all here.

[Sharon]

I know it's not nearly the same thing, Holly, but we are always here for you, as well as all your many other friends. Please take advantage of all of our love and concern for you and reach out to someone. We care. :hugs:

[Angie G]

What happend Holly you can PM me if you need a friend hun. :hugs:
Angie

[PamelaTX]

You have many, many friends, me included. If you need anything, just ask.

[TxKimberly]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that Holly's wife has left just yet. I've spent several evenings with both of them and they were a very happy go lucky couple that have been married for like 40 years. Let's just wait and see . . .

[MJ]

what's going on hun please tell us :hugs: we are here for you

[Daintre]

Holly, please let us know what is going on. You have many close friends here who are ready with a shoulder for you to lean on.

[ReineD]

I am so sorry, Holly. :hugs:

[cindybarnes]

Hi Holly,,
You have our attention and I can only hope we can help somehow
Hugs
Cindy

[Alice Torn]

Holly, Whover you are talking about, a mate, mom, or your Holly side, I am empathizing, hoping you will seek support here, and elsewhere. Lucille

[Zenith]

Holly, girlfriend...lets make a pot of coffee and talk...stay up all night...it's OK...

:itsok:

[susan fuller]

I too feel for you but would also like to know whos gone? when you feel like it please let us know. We are here for you anytime. You have been so helpful to so many with very good advice.

[sissystephanie]

Holly, please respond if you can!! All your friends on this Forum are very anxious to learn what it is you are talking about.

If someone very close to has suddenly passed away, I can certainly empathise. My darling wife of over 49 years died in February of 2005, only 2 1/2 months after being diagnosed with cancer. I was in shock, depression, and scared almost to death for several months after that. But thanks to my GGF in Scotland, and some others, I pulled through. And so can you!

You are a strong, smart, and articulate person. Tell us what is going on and let us help! We are here for just as you have always been there for us!!

Please write!!

Stephanie (formerly Sissy/Stephanie)

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[Samantha B L]

Holly? Could you explain? Do you mean your SO left?

Holly I'm awful sorry. I don't have any deep words of wisdom to offer.

But if you talk it out with people from the forum either in the threads

or through pms and stuff things will probably be OK. The GG I used to

spend the night with all the time who was my best freind like in Lou

Reed's "She's My Best Freind" died in 2005.

Hugs, Samantha

[Carin]

Scares the hell out of me. Ever happen to you? Very afraid of the future.:sad:

I don't know what you are referring to Holly, but for the likely choices, yes, I think I have been there, and I would drive down there tomorrow if it would help.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[justmetoo]

Whoever it is I wish you the best!

[Alice Torn]

Holly, If it helps at all, I was going to end my homelessness, on Aug 2nd, but, decided to wait one more day, staying in my van, and let my beloved beautiful cat enjoy the outdoors , before becoming an indoor cat. Well, i was late getting back to my van that night, and she never came home. The coyotes got her. I camped there a few more days, but she never came back. How i regret not moving the day earlier! I am still in some grief, but got two more cats, who are my family, but I still miss my other special cat, dearly. If you have great grief, you must go through it one day at a time, but please talk to us, when you feel up to it. If it is goodby to cding, you are accepted here alway, either way. Lucille

[Joy Carter]

What ever it is Holly, were here when you need to talk.:hugs:

[Ann D Bluebird]

Holly,

My sympathy and condolences :hugs: on your loss, whatever its nature. You obviously need to absorb what's been happening, and that takes time.....you know best how you cope with these things, whether that be seeking a personal friend nearby to talk with, a counsellor...religious guidance....or sharing with your friends and "family" here....or all of those at different moments. But. as you realise I'm sure, you do need to talk.....then others can offer what help they can,

take your time, and look after yourself

:hugs:

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Holly, Sorry to hear the news.

I have the badge to this club to, however I have long since lost it over the years.

I Met the girl of my dreams when I was younger, told her about my dressing, she was cool with it, but threw it all in my face when I found out her and my best friend were having an affair (she was also up to her neck in trouble, so he was a get out) My life got tough, she was nasty, I got out, got away and made a new life for myself, spent seven wasted years doing nothing, and have nothing to show for it, I just did what I wanted to do, and went where the wind took me.

Seven years later, I'd done my own thing, recovered my pride, and decided to try again. I placed one advert in a lonely hearts, I got two replies from the ad first time I looked, first was a girl called mandy, (never left a number) the second was Raksha. We've never looked back, and I never rechecked the reply number again.

I thought my first wife was my sole mate, losing her was like losing an arm at the time, However Now I have Raksha, I know how blind I was, and how lucky I am. lossing her would be probably more than I could bare Shes my world,and stars, my rock, my lover, and my best friend. more so much more than the first ever was or ever could have been.

So just take your time, and think before you leap, you will not want to do thing you enjoy, and you'll blame yourself for things where there is no blame to cast, if you need to do crazy things, go do them, but don't regret them. but most of all, be true to yourself, and believe things will get better, because they do.

in my case, I regret most the wasted years, the ones wasted with my first wife, and the ones in the wilderness, finding myself again. however, had they not of happened, Raksha would not have been ready for me (she was still married then!), Nor was I ready for her. Our paths probably crossed many times before we were both married, and we both could (and do wish we had met then in later years) however out relationship is what we have through both having had a tough time, and therefore, but for our past lifes, we might not have what we have now.

I hope that make sence. thinks have a way of working out themselves.

[Alana65]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that Holly's wife has left just yet. I've spent several evenings with both of them and they were a very happy go lucky couple that have been married for like 40 years. Let's just wait and see . . .

I agree with Kimberly.........

A lot of people are making assumptions of what Holly is referring to. She obviously needed to post something to alert all of the fine members of this forum that she is suddenly in distress (but needs time to sort things through or whatever), but could not as of yet reveal what the problem is about. I'm sure that whenever she's ready to share/unload her burden with/on us, she will, and we will all continue giving her whatever support we can.

Holly,

When you're ready hun, we're here for you.

:love: & HUGE :hugs:

Alana

[Di]

Holly sending you a pm:love:

[christid66]

Holly,
I hope it's not what I think it is but we're here for you as and when you're ready....just like you've always been there for us:love:

[Charleen]

Has anyone heard from Holly? She hasn't posted on the thread since she posted it.
Holly, if you read this, please respond. Alot of us or worried.

[Holly]

Thanks for all of your concern. Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. It's like Holly checked out and left no forwarding addrtess. I'm not particularly happy with what's left... don't think those around me will be either. Doesn't make any sense... been looking forward to retiring at the end of the year... loving wife and family... all you nice people... why did she leave? I don't get it.

[Kieron Andrew]

Thanks for all of your concern. Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. It's like Holly checked out and left no forwarding addrtess. I'm not particularly happy with what's left... don't think those around me will be either. Doesn't make any sense... been looking forward to retiring at the end of the year... loving wife and family... all you nice people... why did she leave? I don't get it.

She just went on a little vacation most probably, she'll be back you'll see :D

[MsJanessa]

Thanks for all of your concern. Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. It's like Holly checked out and left no forwarding addrtess. I'm not particularly happy with what's left... don't think those around me will be either. Doesn't make any sense... been looking forward to retiring at the end of the year... loving wife and family... all you nice people... why did she leave? I don't get it.

but you're Holly?? Right?----so she is still with you when you want her---and I'm sure she will be back--

[christid66]

Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. loving wife and family

That's the important part and I'm glad that nothing happened with/to any of them.

As for why 'Holly' left, none of us that has our 'alter ego' leave quite knows the answer but one thing is for sure.......'She'll be back'.

:love:

[deja true]

More than most...you know it just doesn't happen that way.

Wax on...wax off! No way....

We'll be waiting, dear one...

Meanwhile, talk to those closest to you.....

:<3:

[Tina B.]

Holly, maybe she isn't gone, but just playing hide and seek with you, I lost the feeling, and grew a beard, for about 6 months, then all of a sudden Tina came back stronger than ever!
Plans to retire, and other pressures, could just be taking center stage just now. so don't fret, get on with other things, and sooner or later, Holly will be back!
Until then will be watching for your post, always love the advice you hand out, and we all need our unoffical Mom.
Tina B.

[Jenny Beth]

Thanks for all of your concern. Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. It's like Holly checked out and left no forwarding addrtess. I'm not particularly happy with what's left... don't think those around me will be either. Doesn't make any sense... been looking forward to retiring at the end of the year... loving wife and family... all you nice people... why did she leave? I don't get it.


After reading your initial post that was my first thought. It happens sometimes but believe me, Holly will be back. Funny thing that you mentioned those around you won't like it, there have been short spells that I haven't dressed and after a few days my wife will ask if everything is okay. Usually it's because I've got too much on my mind with work or building something in my shop...nothing worse than sawdust down the cleavage....:heehee: You'll be fine!

:hugs:

[Karren H]

That happened to me last year... for 4 or 5 months..... But I forced myself back into dressing again and it all came back.... :):):)

[TxKimberly]

Thanks for all of your concern. Everyone around me is alive and well. It's me. It's like Holly checked out and left no forwarding addrtess. I'm not particularly happy with what's left... don't think those around me will be either. Doesn't make any sense... been looking forward to retiring at the end of the year... loving wife and family... all you nice people... why did she leave? I don't get it.

Would you beleive the same thing happened to me? I went for a couple of years with very little interest in cross dressing or "Kim". In fact, I just came out of this slump about the time I started posting on this forum! I don't think I'd let it panic you. If she is not there, just respectfuly set her and her stuff aside until she returns. :)

[Juanita O]

Holly

You have friends here, you will be back.

[Toni_Lynn]

Holly

At times like this I always think of the song The Ghost in You by the Psychedelic Furs .... Inside you the time moves and she don't fade, the ghost in you she don't fade.

Holly probably feels like a ghost right now as remnants of her are still about you. Rest assured, she is still around. She is a part of you. Be not afraid.

We all go through periods of dryness in everything we do, whether it be slumps at work, matters of faith and beliefs, or pleasurable pursuits. These are all normal. We don't know why they happen, and they come about as suddenly as they go away.

Meditate and contemplate.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[MJ]

please remember holly is a dear and sweet part of you. maybe holly is just taking some R n R .. she will be back you of all people should know that. maybe you should take a break too relax enjoy the moment ,

let me tell you a secret my friend myself being a ts full time is also so very stressful. all i can do now is just dress down and no makeup .. i don't care what people think. i too get sick and tired of trying to please everyone .

live in the moment holly enjoy here and now Hun. we will still be here time to recharge the batteries

[suzy cool]

I'm glad to hear it isn't anything mortal. It happens to all of us I'm sure. Spend half an hour on Ebay and you'll be back to your usual self in no time.:love:

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Holly,

This feeling has happened to me, more than once. Caused by different reasons. Not to worry. Like others have said, the desire will probably return.

It may come back a little different--moving on to the next stage, for example. If your work life has been very involving, you might need something in your retirement that will replace it. Just dressing might not be enough. So it might be dressing and going places, or dressing and transgender political activism or volunteerism, or dressing and opening a new business like Tamara V did. Whatever it is, when you find it, it will fit you to a "T" (giggle). And when you find it, the old desire will come flying back.

Another time, I lost interest because current women's fashions left me cold. If I went out dressed the way I like, people stared because I was soooo out of fashion! (Yes, this really happened!) So I dressed a little more classically, stayed away from department stores, and spent my money on other things for a while. I wore women's pants for a few months and bought some nifty railroad models. In a few months, fashions got cute again. I had some money saved up, and had a little shopping spree. Wheee!

So it could be many things. Whatever it is, don't worry. Don't purge. Holly will be back. In the meantime, continue to be the warm, caring person we all love and respect. And if you're dressed male, your secret is safe with us.

Love,
Rikki

[docrobbysherry]

Just put on your red shoes, say, " I want Holly to come home". Then, click your heels together 3 times!
You've always had the power to bring her back, u just didn't know it!:eek:

Anyway, that works for me every time!:battingeyelashes:

[tinadcd]

I'm in the same boat right now sweetie!
Haven't dressed all summer, and really don't have that much desire right now. The club I used to hang out at closed, and I'm dating a lot (GG's) right now, riding my bike lots and just don't seem to have the time to dress.

I guess "Tina" has taken a hiatus. Not sure when she will be back.

I hope "Holly" is just vacationing and not "gone" She has a lot of great friends here.

*smooches*

[sissystephanie]

Thank our Heavenly Father that you are all alive and well. Be assured that "Holly" will be back!! She probably is just taking a little time to readjust to retirement. And a big Thank You for clarifying the issue!!

Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[Wendy me]

Holly you got me thinking..........and it hurts.......... Holly she is not gone ..... she is still there right were she belongs....... and from time to time she dose something real smart she hides out for a while..... know why???.... OK she hides out for a while so you have to hang out with him....... lol told you she was smart..... see when you think she is gone and miss her and think great stuck with him....... fear not she will come back and omg your going to so be happy with her............ok?????????? oh one more thing my dear .... answer that dame phone you had me scared to death........


look things come and go ..... i haven't been shopping in ages i was freaked about it at first ..... then thought it is what it is..... lol when the feeling comes back lol the stores are going to get cleaned out...........


we will talk......and talk....... and talk..............charge up the battery your going to need it...........


latter...........

[Carlacd]

Holly,
As you have told me through the years when i couldn't be Carla when i want to. She's there, just give her the time she needs to figure out what needs to be done. Then she'll emerge as the beautiful flower once again.
So be patient.
Other wise take drugs and drink heavily:eek:

Love always
Carla

[Deborah Jane]

Hiya Holly...
I know the feeling well, but she,s still there in the background just resting herself ready for some new adventures :)

She never leaves, just takes "time out" for a while!!!

I bet you,ll soon be here proclaiming.....

"Shes Back"

[Claire3]

Life moves on.But youll be back if it suits you,your feelings and emotions.Take Care

[Daintre]

Holly, I have a feeling that your fem self will return, not with a vengeance, but with a feeling of love and acceptance. Holly has been a part of you for so long, give her some time to be away, she will return and you will embrace her. Holly, you are our CD Mom, and you are also our friend, if I could I would hug the pudding out of you (to quote another friend).

All my love

Jen Jen

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Holly

You know as well as anyone here she just wont disappear
I vacation is a good way of describing it but we all know vacations have to end
So the secret is prepare yourself for that day :hugs:

[bah-bah-bobbie]

I bought a few new pairs of pantyhose couple weeks ago. Haven't tried them on yet. Have had very little uge lately and even less time. I wonder if there is a connection. You have a full plate right now Holly. One disaster at a time, just be dilligent and patient. Our alter egos need holliday just like our outer selves. Make sure she has "a clean house to come home to" if you know what I mean.

[Ann D Bluebird]

Well.....like I was saying, its a loss to you "whatever its nature" a loss is a loss, but in this case the hope of a reincarnation is a more tangible one. In the meanwhile maybe there is some kind of butterfly metamorphosis thing going on.....give it time, and tell us how you are finding it...its good to talk!! :hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

Sometimes the femme side just up and disappears for an indefinite amount of time. No big deal really. Just get back in the game when you are ready.

[Rachel Morley]

I read your post yesterday but I didn't want to respond until there were more details. Having personally met you and HT Girl, it certainly didn't make any sense to me at all that it would be your wife that would be the one to have "gone".

However, now you have shared that it is your femme self that seems to have (temporarily) left you, that makes much more sense to me. While it has only happened to me for short moments (like a couple of days or so in the past) I do think it's actually fairly common for this sort of thing to happen. I wouldn't mind betting that all those old feelings will come flooding back sooner than you might expect.

Take care Holly. We'll all be waiting for you to come back, and whatever you do, don't purge!

Hugs
Rachel

[Stlalice]

Late to this thread - blame it on a really chaotic schedule and a tendency to lurk rather than post lately. What you are going through is common to many of us both CD and Trans - there are times when we wonder why we even try to show our real selves, if we are doing the right thing, but trust me - Holly is there - even if you can't "feel" her presence - she is in your genes and she will resurface when you least expect her to. Many are the times when I've been "down" and felt that Alice would never "make it" - More times than I can count in the last few years when I've been there - I've dressed anyway and gone to a service at MCCGSL - and come away feeling 100% better because of the love and support of my fellow congregants. You have a family here and if you will let us do so we will provide help and support as you have done for so many of us. If you want or need to talk feel free to PM me or send me a phone number and I'll call you. The piece below is not original with me - it was sent to me by a friend when I was at a spiritual low point and it helped me in no small way. Shared it with Gypsy Karen when she was having hard times and she called it her "dumbo feather" - something that lifted her spirits as it did mine at a critical point. And it applies as much to being a CD as it does to being trans. So read, relax and know your "family" is here at need.



The Monster at the End of the Book

There is a monster at the end of this book. Indeed. There are two kinds of people in the world, those that have read this book and those that need to read it. If you haven't, it's a children's book for say 4 or 5 year olds. Grover, one of the lovable fuzzy Sesame Street residents, is the protagonist who knows and informs the reader that there is a monster on the last page of the book. For fear of the monster, he asks the reader to please not turn the pages, as that will only be getting closer to the monster. You turn the pages, as you do with a book, and Grover resorts to asking, chaining the page down, building a brick wall, and eventually a sincere, heartfelt plea for the reader not to turn the very last page. But who is on the last page? Grover. The loveable, kind, sweet, gentle, caring, blue, Sesame Street MONSTER that he is.
A Monster at the End of the Book.


All that fear for a word. Judgements made based on an idea, a concept, a mental picture.

I got on the road to cheering myself up after the events of the morning by making the bed and convincing my kitty there was a critter under the sheets. He chased the little mounds of air that would travel around the bed when I fluffed the sheet gently. That's when this book came to my mind. I find it describes so many parts of transition, in one way or another.

Pre-everything, we find ourselves inexorably drawn to turn the next page. Despite internalized societal laws and direct external influences that suggest some dire consequence being the only possible end to what we do, we keep turning the pages. We need to know, need to get to the end of the book, need to find the answer to what we are and why we defy what is normal. So we turn the pages, search the internet, go out dressed, watch any and every related movie we can get a hand on, read books. Then there's the last page. And we find out that the "monster" is nothing like what the word alone made us think when we began. And *boom* we understand. Lightning strikes somewhere along the way and we realize our own potential, destroy our own cookie cutter schema of what it is to be what we are, and decide to run with our own lives, despite what anyone else might say.

From Grover's point of view. Despite our own beliefs, our hopes and wishes, we still have this block on the word transsexual. We have accepted it in ourselves, but know/fear that others may not, and some others never will, for whatever reason. We find a reason, something that makes us different, and we still define ourselves as 'different'. We fear what comes when the reader finds this "monster" at the end of the book. We fear it because, well, you know and I know that I'm just a normal girl, but the ultra conservatives, the fanatics, the idiot who referred to us as tranny fags, the Jerry Springer watchers, some of our own family members can't see past the word. They will forever blind themselves and believe that we are far inferior and deserve to be treated like trash. We build walls, we seal things away with chains and locks, and in our own heads beg with all our hearts that no one finds the "monster" we're trying to hide.

But then, there, on the last page. There we are. We are one with the word and you know what? It isn't so bad. In fact, we're kind, loveable, caring, funny, cute, normal people. As a matter of fact, we are different. We're above average. We're so different than what the word brings up in anyone's head that we stun them into a totally new concept. Yes I'm a transsexual. No I don't wear cheetah print mini skirts, fishnet stockings , or bright purple eye shadow to my eyebrows in broad daylight. Yes I am a transsexual. No I am not a gay man. I am saving my life, not destroying it. I don't hate men, I don't hate women. I AM committed to fulfilling my sense of self with a passion you'll never understand. I AM smart, well spoken, clean, well dressed. I HAVE people that love me, people that stuck with me, people that have proven their true friendship when I was at the bottom of a well. Guess what? I want to be a cisgendered woman about a million times more than you want me to be. It's a lot harder for me than it is for you to deal with me destroying your negative imagery. And I will. Yes, I am a transsexual, but that doesn't tell you a g*d d**n thing about me. As a matter of fact, I'm going to shatter what you thought about me when you heard that word just by being myself. Listen to me and you'll never see that word again. You'll see me and my friends who are similarly amazing people, and you'll know that the rest of the world is wrong. You'll know the picture you were given is one of hate, one made specifically to torture people, and you'll reject it. I cannot say I am not different, I cannot say that I am not transsexual, but I can show you what that word really means. I am the monster at the end of the book, but I am not anything that you thought I would be. :hugs:

[DemonicDaughter]

I feel like I'm just not myself. Like the person I am isn't really the person walking round talking to people. My desire to be the carefree spirit I know myself to be just isn't there. I stand in front of the canvas and nothing comes to me. I suddenly fear I lost my passion and talent to paint. Its scares the HELL out of me.

I found that times like that are simply my mind's way of saying, "hey, I'm tired!"

I've learned that I need something new and different. Some time not thinking about life and all its issues. Just some time to enjoy the here and now. Then suddenly, like an inspiration, I find myself compelled to do something fun and crazy. Then I seem to get right back to being me.

Strange, isn't it?

[Carroll]

Damn Sweety, you had me...all of us a bit worried! I am very relieved that it was not a lost love one (pets included). I think you will find that many of us have had our femme side up and leave for some milk and not come back right away. She'll come back, she just needed a vaction for a bit. We all need to go on vaction every once and a while. Maybe she'll come back with some vacation goodies :)

[Zenith]

She's still there...you...and the rest of us :gh: love her too much...

[janet p]

Holly who's gone? You know we all love you and will be there for you so please let us know what's happening.:love::love::love::love::love::love::lov e::love::love::love::love:

[tamarav]

Dearest Holly,

Sometimes we all get a bit lost. For some of us it takes a bit longer to find our way but we always find our way home. We are keeping an eye out for you and will nudge you back into the fold very gently.

You are one of the stalwarts of this site and I tend to look up to your advice. We are here..

Your sis,

Tami

[paulaN]

Wow am I glad you and your loved ones are all ok. I think Holly will be back, when she is damn good and ready. Remember not to purge all of your Holly stuff no matter how long it takes her to come around.

[Jilmac]

Holly Dear, Please tell us who's gone. You probably need a supportive shoulder now more than ever, but none of us can give you support without knowing of your grief. Did you lose a loved one to death? If so dear, I can sympathize because I lost my wife a year ago to cancer. you have all the girls on this board concerned for your well being.

[Audrey34]

Hang in there. Holly will be back! Even Audrey once went away for a year and a half and she's still with me!
-Audrey

[CD Susan]

Holly, you know how much you are appreciated here and how much we care about you. When you are ready to come back we will be here with open arms. If you need time to sort things out we understand and will be here for you when you return. My best wishes go out to you.

[Alice B]

Pending retirement plays strange games with ones mind. It causes feeling of self doubt, worries about what will you do, etc. They pass quickly once the acceptance of retirement sets in and then a whole new world of possibilities opens up. I'm sure she will return as an even stronger person at all levels. Good luck.:love:

[Tamara Croft]

Holly who's gone? You know we all love you and will be there for you so please let us know what's happening.


Holly Dear, Please tell us who's gone.Helps if you read all of the thread...

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1414419&postcount=44

Holly, she'll be back, you're probably stressing about retiring :hugs:

[wendy68]

just give it some time. She may just need the space for a bit to think and grapple with her emotions. With what you said about your family she should think about the love you a her have shared and be talking to to you soon. --wendy:hugs:

[Charleen]

Holly, don't sweat it dear. You've been here long enough to know it comes and goes! For the last month and a half I was HIM! TOTALLY! Miserable? Yeah. Scared? NO! I knew I would revert back to the real me. The Journey back started last week and here I am. A little better for the experience as well. I feel a little less conflict inside. I believe it was that conflict that set him off. Specifically the situation at work. It looked to me that they weren't happy with the feminized self I was presenting with the long polished nails, light mascara, ect. Nothing was ever said, but the bad vibes were there. I grew all the hair. They love me in a beard! I am getting more things to do.
This is a long strange journey. For me like a roller coaster ride sometimes as I try to balance living who I am in a world that doesn't understand.
Hang in there girlfriend! When HE show up, I originally thought that was it for Lilyfor a long time. Turns out we girls are pretty resiliant and can't be kept down for long! I'm back in the "right" clothing and feel better for it.
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

We understand what you are going thru, the best advice is just to take care of yourself, talk with your wife and sort thru your feelings about Holly, retirement and the future. We are all praying for you. :battingeyelashes: Kim

[janet p]

Holly, you are the one who gave me this site. If any of us say we haven't felt this way we're lieing to our self. If this what you truely want then so be it and I would still like to be friends with you.:love::love::love:

[gennee]

The break can be a blessing. There are times that I don't feel like dressing. It's good to step back and reassess where we are and where we want to go. Look at it as a sabbatical. Holly may be gone awhile, but she'll be back.

Gennee


:hugs:

[Holly]

I want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread. I appreciate every one of you. To those of you who took the time to PM and/or call, you'll never know how much those simple acts of kindness meant to me.

I had a long talk with my wife this afternoon. She and I are fine... I want that to be perfectly understood. She is nearly as upset as I am that Holly has "left the building." Holly and HT always have a great time when they go out together.

Let me see if I can clarify what seems to be happening. It feels like part of me died. It's not at all like the desire to dress coming and going... I've been through that a lot and know that feeling well. This is different. It's like a piece of me has gone missing. I almost feel like a foreigner in my own body. It's very frightening because the best parts of me (at least the parts I like the most) have disappeared. Like poof! Gone. I had become so content and happy with who I thought I was and now I'm not that person anymore. I hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of mindless wanderings.

So where's the fairness in learning to love and accept oneself and then having it all snatched away? Could it be stress because of my pending retirement? I'm actually looking forward to it. I have a part-time gig all lined up that will pay me more working two days a week than I make now. The family is happy and healthy so that's not a concern. No stress because of friends so that's not it. So why did it all change so abruptly and so radically? Honestly, I'm at a loss. All I know is that I don't like it this way.

Thanks for listening and for your concern. This is truly a family.

[Kelsy]

Dearest Holly,

You will always be my big sister!

"To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten"

I will await your return

Love Kelsy:hugs:

[DAVIDA]

Holly, I am truly sorry for your loss! I can not even imagine what you must feel like. I will say a prayer for you.

[Jonianne]

Holly, have you been for a medical checkup recently? Maybe something else is going on and that is affecting how you feel. You are certainly in my prayers.

Hugs,

Joni

[Megan70]

Dearest, you've never heard directly from me before but I cannot remain silent here without commenting , making observations and adding my:2c:
I too have gone through the circular and seasonal on again off again periods where not only do I not feel like dressing but am literally ashamed and embarrassed for myself of what I am, who I am.

What is this TV-CD crap,? why was I born with it.? I'm in denial and putting it away. Now I know this is not the same situation as you because I read you in a part of you being gone... well as a few people here on this thread know that I've PM'd earlier this summer i felt that Megan was "gone" too, but at my own making.

You see Holly in my case and it could possibly be yours I suffer from depression and was born bi-polar, yes nothing I asked for, or am proud of but neither am I ashamed here to admit it, It is well under control through medication, but I am just now coming out of this "gone missing" disgusted feeling. It has to do with one's mind, at least with me.

You are also about to embark on a major life change, retirement and ones mental attitude can really freak-up your head and cause all things to go haywire.
Talk to a therapist, or your doctor, it could be something as simple as a mild depression or could be more serious. You don't have to delve into CDing to get your point across.
As for me to my few close friends here... I'm outta my summer funk and ready for those old fall feeling Again.
Good luck to you Holly and have a Blessed Day hon'.
:love:
Megan

[Sheri 4242]

Holly, have you been for a medical checkup recently? Maybe something else is going on and that is affecting how you feel. You are certainly in my prayers.

I second what Joni is saying! Can't hurt. Last November I fell out at a bar-b-q. Next thing you know, I'm on a helicopter heading for emergency surgery!!! For quite some time, "Sheri" has been, in essence, gone -- well, she's there as always, but it has been quite different as I recover. Dressing is way down, although I know I am, as always, part her -- and on here I lurk a lot instead of my previous self of always commenting on everything. This may not be what's happening to you, Holly, but it is worth a checkup with Dr just for your own peace of mind!!!

[victoriamwilliams1]

Been there for a little over 5 years.

[TSchapes]

No matter how well we plan, no matter what we think is going to happen, the advent of change will throw us for a loop. Holly just stepped aside to allow the change to happen, she's waiting for a clearer picture of the future. Once that picture is settled, you watch, Holly will be back more than ever.

Do not fret, Tracy has done the same thing. When change is about to happen, she runs and hides. I can't control that.

Love

[DonnaT]

It could be the result of a TIA, small stroke, that can only be found with an MRI. TIA's can occur in any part of the brain.

When I had one that I felt in my body, the MRI showed that I've had a couple of others that I never felt.

[Kieron Andrew]

Holly, have you been for a medical checkup recently? Maybe something else is going on and that is affecting how you feel


I second what Joni is saying! Can't hurt. it is worth a checkup with Dr just for your own peace of mind!!!


It could be the result of a TIA, small stroke, that can only be found with an MRI. TIA's can occur in any part of the brain.Holly this is sound advice, go get yourself a check up, even if nothing shows thats one less thing to think about, no?

[Daintre]

Holly, for me personally, you are in an uncharted area. The fact that part of you just left has never happened to me, I have gone through the cycles much the same as most here. I am not here to nag, just not my style, but, seeing your doctor is good advice. Seems to me that you and your dear wife have been going through everything that has been going on in your life and you are coming up empty. A trip to your doctor will help cover areas which you or your wife haven't considered.

You are a special person in my life, I have always looked up to you since I arrived here. Take care Holly, I hope this can be resolved soon. :hugs:

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Holly,

I have only been here a short time,but you have always given great advice. Don't worry,she'll be back. Sometimes we need to take a break from things we like to do. Everything will turn out fine. Its great that you have a very supportive wife.

Also,don't worry about the future. Enjoy the present. The future is only the past that hasn't happened yet. Take care and good luck.

Felicity :)

[Sarah_GG]

Hello Holly

I've hardly had time to savour the delicious strawberry shortbread you so kindly baked when I announced my arrival on this forum. Your welcome - and your sound advice previously and generously offered - has been gratefully received. I always hoped I'd get to know you better since I hope to be around here for quite a while.

I don't know you anywhere near as well as the other girls on this site who've offered their love and support, but I would like to say that I hope you take the time to do whatever you need to do and what feels right for you. I'm sure it's true what they're saying and you'll soon be bouncing back in saying "she's back!"

Take care and take it easy.

[pamela_a]

Holly. I can only echo many of the thoughts and sentiments here. We can never tell where life will take us. Knowing how smart Holly is I would bet she's just going to let someone else "test the water" on this next stage of life. When she's satisfied it's safe she'll be back and ready to make up for lost time.

Take good care of yourself and know you are loved here and will be missed.

Hugs

-Paula-

[Wendy me]

hey know something Holly.........your OK she is OK ......lol it's "HIM" thats all freaked out .... hang in there better days are on the way............

[janet p]

You know Holly what I think is the SMOG down there in so.cal is affecting you. So you may want to move to a better climate like Vegas or Montana or Iowa.:heehee::heehee::heehee::love::drink:

[Jolene]

Jolene is always a part of me whether I am wearing fem clothes or not. There are times I do not always feel like dressing up in fem either. Maybe if she did move out it would not be such a bad thing.
Jolene

[lisa_vin]

I want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread. I appreciate every one of you. To those of you who took the time to PM and/or call, you'll never know how much those simple acts of kindness meant to me.

I had a long talk with my wife this afternoon. She and I are fine... I want that to be perfectly understood. She is nearly as upset as I am that Holly has "left the building." Holly and HT always have a great time when they go out together.

Let me see if I can clarify what seems to be happening. It feels like part of me died. It's not at all like the desire to dress coming and going... I've been through that a lot and know that feeling well. This is different. It's like a piece of me has gone missing. I almost feel like a foreigner in my own body. It's very frightening because the best parts of me (at least the parts I like the most) have disappeared. Like poof! Gone. I had become so content and happy with who I thought I was and now I'm not that person anymore. I hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of mindless wanderings.

So where's the fairness in learning to love and accept oneself and then having it all snatched away? Could it be stress because of my pending retirement? I'm actually looking forward to it. I have a part-time gig all lined up that will pay me more working two days a week than I make now. The family is happy and healthy so that's not a concern. No stress because of friends so that's not it. So why did it all change so abruptly and so radically? Honestly, I'm at a loss. All I know is that I don't like it this way.

Thanks for listening and for your concern. This is truly a family.

Hi Holly! Nice to meet you. I've never spoken with you before but this agonizing post of yours caught my eye immediately because, dear, I've been there. All of the girls previous advice about seeking a medical opinion is of high importance. When you mention words like "abruptly" and "radically", this is many times indicative of a medical condition or even a possible mental chemical change. These things sometime just happen.....without warning or previous symptoms.....so seeking a medical opinion might just be "what the doctor ordered"!

I lost Lisa for many, many months due to health reasons. I had been feeling slightly to very sick for quite some time......at least for about 3 years.....daily bouts of varying levels and locations of pain, no energy, physical & mental fatigue, serious sleep problems, confusion, forgetfullness, "brain fog", feelings of foreboding, unhappiness and uncertainty, etc. etc. etc. I lost interest in virtually everything except sleeping. I would even cringe at the sight of Lisa's things.....even entertaining thoughts of "What a freak I am......how could I be even remotely interested in something like this.....what the hell is wrong with me"? Depression became a part of every day life because when you never feel good, depression is imminent. I went through many tests.....gallons of bloodletting.....all for naught. They could find nothing physically wrong that would show up of any real significance on any test, x-ray, cat-scan, etc. The doctor finally said fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome.....an unofficial diagnosis because no definitive test exists for "official" diagnosis and there's no cure either. Treatment of symptoms led to very temporary "ok" periods but not ok enough to resume my former life or return to who I was.

I finally took the doctors advice to see a specialist.....a rheumatologist.....who can and will run extensive specialized tests that regular doctors can't or won't run, if for no other reason, they just don't have the in-depth knowledge a specialist has. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE! To make this long story short, I was "officially" diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia and chronic Epstein-Barr virus. A rheumatologist is fully qualified to make these kinds of diagnosis based on certain test results and the elimination of many other conditions/diseases these mimic. By the same token, they are also fully qualified to try alternative or experimental treatments for relief of symptoms......still no cure, but making you feel alive again. Either of these conditions alone could be bad enough for some people but I'm lucky enough to have all 3. For some, these are debilitating but, thankfully, I never approached that level. Further, it seems that the chronic Epstein-Barr (basically recurring bouts of mononucleosis) may actually be the trigger for the other two. This was all discovered just this year in June by my rheumy and Lisa finally started coming back in July. She is, by no means, all the way back and may never be but she is slowly but surely coming back to life and I am enjoying her presence again. I thought she was gone forever and, at one point in this whole drama, I didn't care if she ever returned!

I guess the bottm line of this whole long, drawn out post is that you owe it to yourself and those you love and who love you to get checked out. It may just be one of those unexplainable "coming and going" things others have mentioned or it might just be something real that can be treated. Either way, please let us know which direction you go with this and how things are going for you!!!!!

With gentlest of hugs,
Lisa

P.S. Sometimes you have to MAKE you own fairness in life!

[Holly]

Wow. I am overwhelmed. And quite humbled. Once again, I can't begin to tell you... all of you, how you have you have touched me.

Okay, time for another "update." I still feel abandoned, but the hopelessness is dissipating. My wife and I had quite a long discussion last night. She is a rock. We talked about the here and now; she is as unhappy with Holly's departure as I am. I'm not nearly as nice without her influence:eek:. We then explored the future and what changes may be in store when I retire at the end of this year. Many of you have suggested that this life-change could be at least a catalyst for what has happened to me. Fair enough. HTGurl (my wife) asked me a little over a week ago if I planned to dress "more often" when I left work. I said yes I was planning on it. She said fine, just keep it out of sight from the neighbors. Not a problem as that is the environment under which we have been operating all along. A dear friend (Mae) and I were chatting last night and this was brought up. "How much is more," I was asked? Did we both have a clear understanding of exactly what that meant? Good question. So part of last night's conversation was spent talking that out. And we both were able to come to a clear understand of what "more" meant. "Holly, did you hear that? Holly?" Nothing.

So... no worse off than before. BUT... last night before going to bed, I saw some of my Victoria's Secret lip-gloss (Mango Madness) sitting on the counter and I thought I wonder what it would feel like? So I put some on :D. It didn't suck :heehee:. "Holly? Are you lurking in there?"

Then this morning I answered a post in the Out and About section. After I clicked the submit button, I re-read what I had written... It sounded a lot like... HOLLY?!?! No, she's still not present like she used to be. But I sense she's there. I don't know why she is hiding, but she's there... there's hope.

[CandyDarling]

Bay girl - I know it has been said before - she'll be back. 10% she will be back.

[sabrina mercedes]

Holly, I don't know you, haven't talked to you. I do understand what has happened, somewhat.
Holly is seeking shelter from the unknown.
Retirement is a life changing event. It rivals a first kiss, graduation, first job, marriage, children, they all have an impact on our female counterparts.
Retirement is the last hurdle. You don't necessarily know what is on the other side. It can be very intimidating.
Holly is hiding til she sees what is known. A defense mechanism.
Nothing to worry about.
Don't push her. She will come with time. As you develop a sense of what your retirement will be like, i.e. travel, part-time jobs, hobbies, etc., Holly will grow more secure with the enviroment and begin to appear.
When she does, don't rush. Relax and let her emerge at her pace.
I think you will be surprised at how quickly she returns once you grow at ease with retirement.
I can attest to this.
It happened to me and still does some with me line of work. It is very seasonal. For a while Sabrina hide, afraid of the insecurity of the season.
Fall thru spring would drive her away, until I realized there was opportunity during this time for her to emerge.
Slowly she stuck her leg out, then her head and now she has returned with a greater confidence.
Time and understanding of your new step is the key.
Love and Kisses:kiss:

[Edyta_C]

I don't know Holly very well but she has given us much sage advice. I hope she does not stay gone too long. I had alot of mental adjustments or changes when I retired. While my female half was snoozing along while I worked, ending work made quite an attitude adjustment. I mellowed out with that stress removed. A little later on, I had to bring my fem side out and out to the world gradually.

What I'm saying is you can and should expect some adjustments to retirement in your mental attitude. Only you can know whether Holly will be more or less present. Holly will still be in the background and you'll know that after you adjust to the new situation. Please continue to drop by here and keep us in your thoughts as we will in ours.

Hugs Edyta

[Kate Simmons]

Holly, from what you are saying it's a balance issue of the male/female energies. I know you have a balanced outlook but you may be ready for the next step which is integration of feelings. It's what happened with me and it's part of growing. While it is good, it's scary as hell, make no mistake, especially when one is a free spirit such as I was when I was Ericka. This is the reason I became Salandra, to help me manage the integrated feelings. Now that I have done that, I've moved on to my real name which is Arianna and this really reflects who I am inside.

It may seem ponderous but with the integration, I'm able to be all things to everyone, including myself (which is really the toughest sell). The tought of being genderless, bi-gender or gender neutral may be scary, especially when we have enjoyed the finer things and looking nice but it doesn't change who you are as a person. Don't worry it doesn't disappear, it's in there like the spaghetti sauce just waiting for you to bring it out. When you do (and I know you will), it will be a completely conscious choice. Enjoy my friend.:hugs:

[Glenda]

I want my Unofficial CD Momma back! Waaaaaaaaa.

[Holly]

I want my Unofficial CD Momma back! Waaaaaaaaa.You may be getting your wish... there are some stirrings.:) I went to the nail salon with my wife yesterday as it was our regular day to get fills. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I re-engage in some of my "normal" routine again it just might "jump start" things again. I picked out the brightest, hottest pink I could find and headed back to the pedicure spa chair and had a seat. After my feet had soaked for several minutes, the pedicurist (is that a word?) began her work... trim and file nails, push back the cuticles, ex-foliate the skin and remove callouses, apply lotions, massage feet and lower legs... all very pleasant. Then she started applying the polish. It's a bit brighter that I anticipated:eek:. When she finished, she said she wanted to do something special for me and she hand-painted some flowers on my big toes... they turned out very cute.

In the meantime, my manicurist stopped by and looked at my brows and said they needed to be done and went and got her kit. She said not to worry, it was her gift to me. She did a great job waxing and trimming them.

Next it was off to the manicure station; remove the old polish (dull pink tips) treat & trim the cuticles, fill the voids, shape and trim the tips, buff the nails and apply new polish. The polish looks even brighter on my hands than it does on my toes! While all this is going on, two women come in looking to have fills done on some rather long nails. They looked at me and the color that was being put on and one of them asked, "Are you a cross dresser?" Now I must admit that the abruptness of the question took me a bit by surprise. And for the briefest of moments, in light of the last several days, I hesitated... but then the words fell out of my mouth, "Yes, I am." Without missing a beat she followed up with, "Do you wear dresses and wigs and makeup?" This time without hesitation I said, "Yes, I do." She said, "Well, at least you don't lie about it." "Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM. Holly is who I am. Wow, talk about a defining moment.

The two ladies didn't stay... they thought the prices they were quoted were too high. Actually we have found the charges for services to be very reasonable. But I am so glad that they did come in. Isn't it funny how things work sometimes. This could easily have been one of those "embarrassing moments" we often fear. Instead it snapped me out of a most horrible place I have been in and reminded me that no matter how I may feel at any given time, I really have no choice other than to be myself, to be true to myself and to be truthful about myself... hopefully lesson learned this time.

The other lesson I took from this is that the truth is always better than the best lie. I could have told those women that I wasn't a cross dresser. That would have looked a little funny though, wouldn't it? I'm sure those two women would have seen right through the deception and transgenderism would have been dealt yet another blow. How much more true is this with our own loved ones?

Things are slowly coming back together. My wife and I left the nail salon and went out to eat at Red Robin. Our waitress Roxy loved our nails (my wife's look great, too:heehee:) and Stephanie, the assistant manager could not do enough for us. After dinner, we went to the $3 movie and saw Get Smart. Life is getting better. Still a few things to get back in order but now there is hope. Thank-you all once again for your support, your kindness, your concern, and your love.

[DemonicDaughter]

:love: Happy to have you back Holly!

[Shelly Preston]

Great to hear your finding your way back Holly :hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

Welcome back mum....
Sit down and relax, i,ll make you a coffee and i,ve just bought some fresh chocalite eclairs, if you,d like one :)

[Holly]

Coffee black, please. The eclairs are perfect... couldn't hace done any better myself! Thank-you.

[krissysSecret]

Holly, how interesting to see the ride you are on, I am certain that many of us have been on the same ride for a variety of reasons. This lifestyle can come and go as we all know. The sheer number of responses to your first post indicate an overwhelming level of support for you and all of us that go through these phases of life in our world. You are very much adored and cared for here so keep the faith! Hugs...

[GypsyKaren]

I think you need to eat more cheesecake, that keeps everything in balance.

GK :g4:

[Holly]

I think you need to eat more cheesecake...Karen, you are taking this all much too seriously:heehee:. (Thank-you, friend).

[vivianann]

Glad to see that Holly is coming back, l am happy your experience at the nail salon was wonderful, I find it is best to tell the truth when peaple ask if you are a crossdresser, they seem to respect you more. Also glad you and your wife had a wonderful day out, and were treated well by all you came in contact with. Tell your wife hello for me Holly.:hugs:

[Zenith]

Maybe the world is trying to tell you something Holly...

"Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM. Holly is who I am.

I think you would always be sweet Holly on the inside, even if you decided not to to the outside...

:hugs:

[Carin]

"Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM.

My eyes swelled up with tears as I read this. The words echoed in my ears, and bounced around my head "me too".

I was worried about you Holly. Not about Holly going away. Those feminine qualities: nurturing, motherly, warm, caring and understanding are so strong in you and they can't disappear. Vacation maybe. But regardless of how you felt (and that is what I was worried about), you character would always be there.

So Deborah Jane can mind the door for a while, sit back, relax (is permitted, even for mothers) and BE.

:hugs::love::hugs:

[Sandra]

:yahoo:

Holly's on her way back :hugs:

[deja true]

Gosh!

It was one of those little hard flicks on the ear wasn't it, when those ladies in the salon asked you flat out.

After a lot of little sensitivity cuddles, it might have been the little love slap that you really needed.

Now...don't ever do that again! Ya hear!

:D :<3: :D

[Jonianne]

Holly, I am so happy to see you back!

[Stlalice]

I knew that Holly was merely hiding and that given the right time and place she would come back. Welcome home girl - we are all relieved to know that things are getting back to normal! Hang in there - the best is yet to come! :hugs:

[Stlalice]

An Irish Friendship wish...

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Your friends are always here for you - as you have been for us.
Welcome back girl... :hugs:

[susie evans]

HOLLY

Glad to see thing's are starting to balance out now i new holly was just alittle tired and needed some time to think and rest

:love: susie

[Daintre]

Well, thank you Holly, I needed a good cry. Thank you for keeping us informed, I am sure it was tough to do. I am so very happy you are home, I missed you so much. :hugs:

[Mercedes]

Holly, I am so pleased to hear you are on your way back. Things would not be the same without you. I am also amazed by the support everyone has shown, actually I take that back, I am not surprised, given that I have rarely been in a place, cyber or otherwise, where people care as much about the well being of others as in this community.

Mercedes XOXO

[SarahLynn]

Without going into details SarahLynn has been off the charts from a serious infection. She has been really really sick and has only now gotten enough ahead of the regular email to visit this site and to read some of what has gone on while she was away. It will be many weeks before she has caught up on all the news. And then she is also trying to keep track of all that is ongoing as well.

Holly I read with interest your first post and sat back to think about what was being said. And then i nearly fell out of my chair. Holly, our Holly, gone? Gracious no, don't let that happen, we need her. And I read with greater interest your explination and felt you were needed even more. I am sure all the others were, as I was, willing to help you through this crisis, if only we had known the problem. And while I did not know the problem existed I would have missed you here when I returned. I am so glad this is resolving itself. Please keep us informed of your progress.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

SarahLynn

[VeronicaMoonlit]

While all this is going on, two women come in looking to have fills done on some rather long nails. They looked at me and the color that was being put on and one of them asked, "Are you a cross dresser?" Now I must admit that the abruptness of the question took me a bit by surprise. And for the briefest of moments, in light of the last several days, I hesitated... but then the words fell out of my mouth, "Yes, I am." Without missing a beat she followed up with, "Do you wear dresses and wigs and makeup?" This time without hesitation I said, "Yes, I do." She said, "Well, at least you don't lie about it." "Why should I lie? It's who I am." IT'S WHO I AM. Holly is who I am. Wow, talk about a defining moment.

Powerful words aren't they: Yes I am. Simple, but very powerful. And to say them, that is something to be cheered.



Isn't it funny how things work sometimes. This could easily have been one of those "embarrassing moments" we often fear. Instead it snapped me out of a most horrible place I have been in and reminded me that no matter how I may feel at any given time, I really have no choice other than to be myself, to be true to myself and to be truthful about myself... hopefully lesson learned this time.

:-)



The other lesson I took from this is that the truth is always better than the best lie. I could have told those women that I wasn't a cross dresser. That would have looked a little funny though, wouldn't it? I'm sure those two women would have seen right through the deception and transgenderism would have been dealt yet another blow. How much more true is this with our own loved ones?

I can remember the times I didn't answer honestly when I could have, when I was evasive or simply clammed up.....not a good thing. But that...is another story.


Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.