Carin
09-01-2008, 03:35 AM
Life had been turned upside down for me and our family a few times in past 12 - 18 months. It has been rough, heartbreaking, emotionally challenging and sometimes feeling totally hopeless. Through this challenging time, I have learned that life is on a path that I have little control over, mine included. I have heard professional and casual advise about 'Finding myself", 'Being my authentic self" etc. OK, sage advise, if I could only figure my authentic self out. I think I may have abandoned my self to a large extent so many years ago.
At the same time I have leaned more significantly on being feminine. There is a serenity there for me when it is hard to find anywhere else. I have told a few people outside my family that I am transgendered. People I have not interacted with much in recent years but still good friends. Their responses have ranged from "I am not surprised" to "I've always seen you as having a feminine side". Did someone pin it on my back?
I have a different attitude about expressing myself recently. It is more of a "If you have a problem with this then that is your problem, I am just me". I am a guy with a very distinct feminine (attitude, aire, instinct - choose your noun) thing going. I flew across the country in casual but distinctively femme mode through three airports without as much as a heart flutter. I am more casual about wearing feminine jewellery about town. My daughter said I made some guys nervous at a grocery store checkout line, but I didn't notice. It's like I have this pink cloud thing going on (marginally different than the pink fog). In general my attitude is without self-consciousness, and my reception by others seems to be more relaxed.
It is a bit scary. It is as if life itself is telling me that I am more feminine that I cognitively understand. I see myself as a guy with a strong femininity. I don't want to get into a labels discussion, but I liked the term bi-gendered, except that term is used for distinct male and female modes, whereas I feel a more integrated femininity, as many like to say, just me. Is God's plan (or however you perceive your higher power) for me more feminine than I have ever before acknowledged to myself, and I have been looking at this for 13 years. I do not see myself as a woman (not ts). My sexuality and genitalia are just fine with me. Yet Bras and breast forms feel 'right'. I was looking at female pheromones literature today and thought, no I don't need to give of any more feminine vibes that I already do.
The challenge / confusion for me, if I think about it too much, is "Is my head stuck too much in that pink cloud? Is this a crutch for now?", or "Am I fighting what was meant to be?". Before you ask why I am fighting it, there are implications far beyond me, implications that might affect my immediate family, extended family, community and work environments. It is also relevant to me that being transgendered was a contributing (but not the only or necessarily prime) factor in ending my 24 year marriage, in spite of both our best efforts. That is a pretty heavy duty factor on the 'relevance to life" scale, that is hard to ignore.
I don't know that I am looking for a specific answer right now. Life will after all, move forward and what will be will be. Still, a little more self-clarity wouldn't go astray.
This post probably fits more as journaling than anything else but your comments, insights and observations are welcome.
At the same time I have leaned more significantly on being feminine. There is a serenity there for me when it is hard to find anywhere else. I have told a few people outside my family that I am transgendered. People I have not interacted with much in recent years but still good friends. Their responses have ranged from "I am not surprised" to "I've always seen you as having a feminine side". Did someone pin it on my back?
I have a different attitude about expressing myself recently. It is more of a "If you have a problem with this then that is your problem, I am just me". I am a guy with a very distinct feminine (attitude, aire, instinct - choose your noun) thing going. I flew across the country in casual but distinctively femme mode through three airports without as much as a heart flutter. I am more casual about wearing feminine jewellery about town. My daughter said I made some guys nervous at a grocery store checkout line, but I didn't notice. It's like I have this pink cloud thing going on (marginally different than the pink fog). In general my attitude is without self-consciousness, and my reception by others seems to be more relaxed.
It is a bit scary. It is as if life itself is telling me that I am more feminine that I cognitively understand. I see myself as a guy with a strong femininity. I don't want to get into a labels discussion, but I liked the term bi-gendered, except that term is used for distinct male and female modes, whereas I feel a more integrated femininity, as many like to say, just me. Is God's plan (or however you perceive your higher power) for me more feminine than I have ever before acknowledged to myself, and I have been looking at this for 13 years. I do not see myself as a woman (not ts). My sexuality and genitalia are just fine with me. Yet Bras and breast forms feel 'right'. I was looking at female pheromones literature today and thought, no I don't need to give of any more feminine vibes that I already do.
The challenge / confusion for me, if I think about it too much, is "Is my head stuck too much in that pink cloud? Is this a crutch for now?", or "Am I fighting what was meant to be?". Before you ask why I am fighting it, there are implications far beyond me, implications that might affect my immediate family, extended family, community and work environments. It is also relevant to me that being transgendered was a contributing (but not the only or necessarily prime) factor in ending my 24 year marriage, in spite of both our best efforts. That is a pretty heavy duty factor on the 'relevance to life" scale, that is hard to ignore.
I don't know that I am looking for a specific answer right now. Life will after all, move forward and what will be will be. Still, a little more self-clarity wouldn't go astray.
This post probably fits more as journaling than anything else but your comments, insights and observations are welcome.