My SO's changed.

[Lee Andrews]

Just wondering if anyone has had this happen to them.She knew of my cross dressing well before our wedding. At first she was at arms length with it, knew I did it but wasn't interested in any way. After our wedding and the first few years she was active and encouraging, we had girls night at least once a month at home fully dressed. A few of those times she tried to get me to go downtown but of course I chickened out. In the last year when I have dressed fully I get the look and she disappears to our room. If I only put on a robe and maybe a pair of nylons and panties, not nearly as bad. It's not a big deal but not the same as before and I miss that.


My wife has been going through some nasty family stuff (sisters, parents and trying to fix everyone) the last little while so talking to her has been difficult if not impossible with out coming off selfish but we manged a small talk.

She wishes I never did it and feels she had to seperate herself to have somewhat of a normal life. She had also tried to get me involved in community groups and meet people to help deal with our situation but of course I always backed down. So with all this other stuff going on she has put it on the 'Do not think about list'.

Basically she loves me but can't deal with cross dressing right now or maybe never.The full thing is out of the question, some is ok but I haven't tried anything lately (home reno's). All I can think is man did I blow it. I hope I get another try at this and didn't screw up my only chance of exploring this more with her. At least I'm not totally banned.

Thanks for listening, any thoughts welcome.

Lee.

[julie w]

Mine Knows has never seen me dressed makes funny jocks about it sometimes and not so nice remarks sometimes , I cant stop dressing
I have been doing it my hole life , I have accept or find another guy attitude
But I dont mind that she doesnt want to get involved I understand why
Maybe you should not try to include her in you dressing just dress
when she is not around ,if it causing her stress or join a support group
in your area ,

[Oddlee]

My wife has been going through some nasty family stuff (sisters, parents and trying to fix everyone) the last little while so talking to her has been difficult if not impossible with out coming off selfish but we manged a small talk.

Hi Lee.

Sounds like she has supported your dressing for some time now (an enviable position). Now it sounds like she has some need of support for her own issues. Maybe it's your turn to support her through these issues? At least that's the impression I get from your post. There is undoubtedly more going on than you have mentioned so far, so if this is out of turn, please understand...

Lee

[linnea]

I have no advice, just empathy. My wife does not know that I crossdress. I don't like the deception (lying, sneaking out, etc.), but I have been doing this for nearly sixty years. My wife and I have been married for five years. I have thought that I should have told her before we got married, but I didn't do it. She is my second marriage; my first wife did not know either and crossdressing had nothing to do with our divorce (nor did any involvement with another person).
It is clear that everyone deals with crossdressing differently. I have read about very successful, accepting, supportive situations based on honesty. I have also read about disastrous situations based on honesty. All that you can do is to do your best to express your love and respect for your wife and hope that she will be able to find it in herself to continue loving you and respect your desire and need to crossdress.
You may have to modify your dressing activity in some ways in order to accomplish this, but I don't think that you should have to give it up completely--I hope not.
My best wishes to you.

[donnasweetheart]

I agree with Oddlee, she needs a break and wants you to support her in her time of need. It's not about you it's about her. All you can do is love her and be there for her. Give her time and be understanding. Give her a chance to work through her issues.

[Joann0830]

donna sweatheart and oddlee are on the money honey and in your own words, Your wife has a full plate and needs some big time support from you, Dont think that this is the last for you but Your wife needs someone to lean on and maybe its your other side that she is relying on. Things will work out
just have some faith and compasion. Good Luck to you both. Joann0830

[stevie b]

yes, have similar experiences, my wife can accept and support me when her life is in a good place. But when she has to deal with things the dressing complicates things.
Give her time, space and a lot of support. There are three of you in the relationship remember, I feel our wives come first and CD last. I have had to learn the hard way.
Wish you both all the best for the future.
xx

[Tina B.]

Lee, maybe with all your wife has going on in her life right now, she just needs a man to support her right now, after all that is what most women get married for, a strong man to lean on in hard times, you know the old protector, and all that manly stuff. hopfully when it is all over and things return to normal, then so can you and her!
Tina B.

[Sandra]

Do you think you may have pushed things to far to quick? The reason I say this is because this happend to me with my SO, I was ok with the cding then she just started going to quick for my liking, eventually I told her what I was feeling short story I was given the reins to say when she could dress, this put us back on the right track and got us to where we are today.

Also with what is going on in her life with family everything may seem so much more blown out of proportion. Give her the support and time she needs and hopefully she'll come round again.

[DonnaT]

My wife was fine with my dressing, and even gave me a wig, when were first married.

Later, she was totally against. A complete 180.

Then she was OK with it, then against it.

It's been 33 years and she's OK with it as long as I'm not wearing a wig or makeup.

But it's been 33 years of talking about it as well.

Be supportive of her needs, and when she feels up to it, talk about her latest feelings regarding your dressing. Ask her what has changed in her mind since the early days. Heck, she may have been in a conversation with a friend who has a CDing husband, and this friend may have brought up some negative things happening in their marriage. Trying to guess at why she's upset with it now is useless. Talking openly is the only way forward.

[Willa]

Hi my Name is Willa, I'm new here and so glad this place exists.

All I can say about this is to emphasize what so many have already said here, your wife needs you at this time in her life and in your relationship. I think that she needs the comfort that you can give her and let's her know that her needs are being met as well.

That you have someone who is so supportive is a wonderful thing, give some of that back.

Good luck,
Willa

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi my Name is Willa, I'm new here and so glad this place exists.

All I can say about this is to emphasize what so many have already said here, your wife needs you at this time in her life and in your relationship. I think that she needs the comfort that you can give her and let's her know that her needs are being met as well.

That you have someone who is so supportive is a wonderful thing, give some of that back.

Good luck,
Willa

Welcome Willa

That was very, very well said. We often get tangled up in what we want, orneed, that we forget they have needs also. They would not ask to marry a man that wants to dress up as a woman, and the fact that they stay and are there for us, makes them very special. Therefore, we also need to do things for them by way of return. as much as we need them to do things for us.

[Angie G]

If other things are fouled up in her family try helping her out with whatever is going on there. If that gets better maybe your situation willas well.:hugs:
Angie

[dancinginthedark]

Heck I'm a GG and my SO has changed on me more than once. :Pullhair: Does this flip flop thing from time to time: he's fine, he has mixed feelings, he hates it and intends to never dress again and/or he loves it and is happy to explore this part of himself.

I think you have hit on part of the problem: stress and more than normal responsibilities seem to play into this. Just as positive feelings: love, relaxed and/or happy. Your SO is dealing with a very full plate right now. Listen to the others and offer up some support because she needs you right now.

But for those out of the blue swings you just cannot figure out, I read an article that helped me make some sense of those, even if I am the flip side of this coin. :strugglin

Have a read:

Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890)


I hope it helps.


dancin

[kittypw GG]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I will only add that there are some similarities with my story.

I made the effort to fix my hubby up and myself, we were out of town. It was a lot of stress for me. It was a burden for me to make him presentable as a "girl". It took away from my expirence of making myself feel special and getting ready for our "date". I had anxiety about anyone seeing us leaving the hotel, not a good feeling to start with. After all of that effort, when we got to the club, which we had checked out previously and did see other "girls" socializing, he refused to get out of the car. Let me tell you I was pissed! All that effort wasted. This happened on several ocassions. It left me with negative feelings and I ended up not taking him out like that. I was always the driving force behind trying to understand this and tried to be supportive. It just never went in both directions. He neither tried to understand nor did he give back when I needed him. He just kept the pressure up on me participating in his crossdressing. It got very old and remained a burden for me.

The key word here is burden. If your wife is overwhelmed with other issues in her life, your crossdressing needs are just another burden to her and low on her list of important things to deal with. If you keep pushing it you will stand the risk of turning her off to cd'ing for ever.

Man up for a while, be her partner and support her. When all of the issues are resolved then she will likely feel more like being there for you.

:hugs:
Kitty

[PamelaTX]

... It just never went in both directions. He neither tried to understand nor did he give back when I needed him. He just kept the pressure up on me participating in his crossdressing. It got very old and remained a burden for me. ...


You've said something very important here. It's too easy to get wrapped up in your own needs, to the point where you forget that your spouse has needs too. Sometimes you need to be the strong one, support her, understand her problems, be her rock. Let her know that you love her unconditionally the way she is, and you don't think she needs "fixing" from other family members (or whatever is appropriate right now). Remember that she needs acceptance just as much as you do.

[sterling12]

People do that, don't you know. The one constant of being human is change, if we fail to change, we stagnate and often die.

So, don't be surprised by her different outlook on things. Circumstances change....people change!

You two will either grow apart over The Cd, and other things, or things will improve with time. So right now, it's probably about 50/50. YOU have to decide what actions you will take. Your not responsible for her happiness, nor is she responsible for you, but you can make changes that might improve the situation. Which ever way it ends up, your satisfaction will probably be based on actions that YOU took. Did you do everything that you could?

If you did, and it all goes wrong; the healing process will be quicker and easier. Your best is all you can do!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[azpanties]

I'm only adding to the chorus at this point, but your post seemed to have the answers. Put the dresses away for now. She needs a husband, not a girl friend. When the storm passes, then the time is right to SLOWLY reintroduce some of your priorities.

Best of luck!

[Amy Hepker]

You did nothing wrong, people do change at least GGs do and I know that for a fact. I have been through 2 marriages and countless girlfriends to have them know in the beginning and then a few years down the road want nothing to do with it. My second wife used to help me even before we were married, she even let me wear her Wedding dress on our honeymoon and told me weeks before that she was going to let me.

Something just goes click and the whole world is different. They want nothing to do with it and why can't you be more MAN!!! That is not the way I am, why did they have to change. Is it the fact all of a sudden they realize how many girls clothes we have, or are they afraid we might look better than them. Maybe it's a friend of theirs they told and their friend said to them "Oh you poor Girl, I would never put up with that"

You never know what might have caused it, and you may never know. Things may turn around for you someday and I hope they do, but I know unless you can be her MAN and never go back you will lose her. That is what happened to me countless times. It Sucks, but that is the way it was with me and still is with my current GGLady.

[NatashaCD]

to have them know in the beginning and then a few years down the road want nothing to do with it. Something just goes click and the whole world is different. They want nothing to do with it and why can't you be more MAN!!! That is not the way I am, why did they have to change. Is it the fact all of a sudden they realize how many girls clothes we have, or are they afraid we might look better than them. Maybe it's a friend of theirs they told and their friend said to them "Oh you poor Girl, I would never put up with that".

very true word well for me anyway i told my partner even before we met that i was a crossdresser then 2.5 years down the track shes kicking me out oh well theres nothing like a single life when you have no eggshells to step on all the best to you all :hugs:

[kittypw GG]

or are they afraid we might look better than them.

Ok Amy, this is really a cd fantasy. No cd can really look better than a gg in gg clothes without padding. We fill the clothes naturally and I am so tired of hearing that from cd's. Why do you do that? Just be yourself.

How many times do I have to say it. It is not about the clothes but the character of a person that turns off accepting wives. It's the pink fog, it is the obssesive thinking about dressing, the compulsive buying and budget streaching when other things get ignored. It is the lack of perspective. Etc, etc,etc. I could go on for hours. You are so wrong when you say it is about the clothes.
:hugs:
Kitty

[Di]

You did nothing wrong, people do change at least GGs do and I know that for a fact. I have been through 2 marriages and countless girlfriends to have them know in the beginning and then a few years down the road want nothing to do with it.
Is it the fact all of a sudden they realize how many girls clothes we have, or are they afraid we might look better than them. .

:wall::bonk::strugglin
Amy....Well with an outlook like the above I can see why so many changed in your life and want nothing more to do with it...as they were supportive but you were not :Angry3:

Lee ...just be there for her going through everything she is right now and always keep the the line of communication open and things will get sorted:hugs::hugs: I don't think you blew it...I think she has too much on her plate right now and needs me time. Best Wishes:hugs:

[Stacy GG]

Lee Adrews
well, it sounds like your wife has been really supportive and tried to even get you to participate in the community. I think right now since she's dealing with family problems she doesn't want to be burdened with the crossdressing. It sounds like she has gone to some effort in the past and you've passed some of your oportunities to have fun with it up. so it's at the bottom of the priority list more than likely because she has other issues and even if she did make an effort how is she to know you wouldn't chicken out again? As Kitty pointed out she may feel too much of the burden is on her.
Amy Wannabe
I think you are wrong about GGs changing for no reason, I'm sure your attitude of I'm better than you does not help! If you want a relationship it needs to be compromise, not a competition.:2c:

[smokey]

to Lee, yes i have to add great life stress can change things in a relationship. there's only so much energy to go around. if this was difficult for her and she made an extra effort to accept for you then i think things could backtrack. SO's and CD's both change and evolve.
a CD partner too can change what interests them and what level they go to and what frequency they dress. and they can clam up and we (gg's) have no clue what's going on. an SO can change. it's all part of the package with this it seems to me. sometimes no one can predict what's down the road. for us it can be a real rollercoaster unpredictable. kinda like life...
i'd say support her all you can and talk talk talk. support and compromise.

[Amy Hepker]

I will say I have seen many GGs in my time and I have seen a lot of CDers here on this forum. I will tell you that I have seen a lot of CDers that look really good, and a lot look better than a lot of GGs out there. The thing is that any GG can look good with all the things a girl can do to change their appearance, but most go for convience at the expense of looking good.

I do know for a fact that GGs do change, everybody changes. It's like this. "Nothing stays the same and nothing lasts forever." This is something I taught my kids and it is true. You have to enjoy what you want now, because it may not be here tomorrow. Most GGs find someone else, somewhere else that is a so-called better MAN and that's what can shake everything up. I have found that a GG will go to better grounds when their not happy rather than to accept and adjust to the situation.

[Holly]

...I do know for a fact that GGs do change, everybody changes. It's like this. "Nothing stays the same and nothing lasts forever." This is something I taught my kids and it is true. You have to enjoy what you want now, because it may not be here tomorrow. Most GGs find someone else, somewhere else that is a so-called better MAN and that's what can shake everything up. I have found that a GG will go to better grounds when their not happy rather than to accept and adjust to the situation.Why is it so difficult to grasp the fact that "change" is not the exclusive domain of GG's. Look at the majority of the posts from transgender members who bemoan the fact that their SO's have changed. It is very rare that one even suggests that the change could have started with them. How foolish we are if we believe that we are rock-solid individuals, leading a life filled with consistent behavior. Would it hurt us to just consider once in a while that maybe the change we are noticing is in ourselves and not our partners?:sad:

[Nicole Erin]

Oh gyod, I get so sick of hearing about how another one of our CD sisters is having to put up with their SO flip flopping between being supportive and not tolerating.

I feel bad for our sister CDs.

You know what my friends? You are who you are. CD is part of who you are.
Quit apologizing, quit feeling bad, quit trying to "come to terms" and just be yourself.

If people don't like it, get them out of your life.

For some of us, being CD may have resulted from feeling "less than" cause maybe we were the fag or the nerd or the skinny guy who got picked on a lot in school. MAybe we were the one who got our feelings dumped on by the best looking girl in school and everyone laughed.

I may be wrong but I feel like for me, that is a big part of why I CD. I was the nerd and sometimes got accused of being a fag. NO longer should you or I feel bad about who we are.

There will be people who don't like you for being CD. Could be anyone from the neighbor to your own family. BUT, there will always be haters no matter who or what you are.

[brendaisagirl]

Very true statement Holly, we only notice change when we have changed.
Acceptance of Cding is NOT 100% all the time, on either side. Give your wife some time and space, when I'm going thru stressed times, I want my man in 100% percent male mode there with me, that is just part of being born female. Talk to her reassure her, let you know you love her either way. When the family stress is less she may feel diffrently again.
Amy you are ruffling GG feathers, and just for the record, when GG's try no one looks better than us.
Brenda

[Amy Hepker]

Brendaisagirl, I agree with your statement that: "when GG's try no one looks better than us." That is so true, but most GGs seem to get to a point in their lives when less work to look good, is at the top priority with them. I am not saying all GGs are this way, but many are.

As far as CDers Changing goes, I don't think we are changing as much as we are growing into our true selves. Meaning we are still CDers, but we are advancing into our Female side and yes we will dress more and want to go out more, BUT, That does not mean we LOVE our partner any less, we are not bound to leave our partner because we have grown to the point we don't need them anymore. We want our GG Partner with us, we are in it for LIFE not just until the road gets bumpy or the water gets deep, but "til death due us depart."

These days a GG (not all GGs) is into a relationship until she does not feel happy, then she just up and leaves, she moves on. I mean what does "til death we depart" mean these days? Nothing it is until we are no longer happy then split.

I guess I have put my foot in deep enough for now.

Please GGs, do not take offence to what I have said here, as most of you are very accepting of us and are not like the GGs I have mentioned in this thread.

[Sophia de la luz]

Sounds like we might need a new thread addressing this issue of whether GG look better, on average, then CD men. I myself am in the camp of, all things being equal (that is in shape specimens, and minimal amount of clothing and accessories), GG have the CD men beat every time. Nothing can trump the slinky curves of the female form. Just the fact that the CD's have to work so hard to even beat the average, is testimony to the futility of the task. Our heads are too big, arms too long, etc...
And yes, some women look awful. Oh well, enough said about that.:D

To the original poster, support your wife. Stop thinking about yourself for a little while. It's been said here many times.

[PamelaTX]

And yes, some women look awful.

I'll have to take your word for it. I've never met one of those. :)

[Carin]

Lee Andrews is here to seek support and advice with his relationship. That is what this is about. Many of us have perspectives to offer that are valuable. That is why he came here.

The OFF-TOPIC crap dilutes the thread and just starts conflict in a space that is supposed to be supportive. Who looks better doesn't belong in this thread - or this forum for that matter.

I agree with Holly. We all change. It comes naturally with time. How we can deal with that change in ourselves and in our SO shapes our ability to navigate these waters. It is not easy.

[Lee Andrews]

Well I didn't mean to stir up a hornets nest:o.

Just to clarify I am supporting my wife as much as I know how,as she is with me and my family. If I could write all the things going on from both sides of the fence we would have a great soap opera script. Cross dressing has taken a back seat since early spring for various reasons, more important things in life going on I guess. Don't get me wrong the urge is there but I don't let it control me anymore, thanks to reading hundreds of posts here and the effect of the pink fog on people and their lives. Balance seems to be the key.

So I'm supporting her and not CDing or pushing it in her direction. The topic came up between us and she told me of her changed feelings. I'm sorry if I didn't clairify it better, I just was wondering if this was a normal thing for a SO or GG to have a different outlook on these things and does it come back. As I write this I'm realizing know one will know but her.:sad:

Dancin' the link you provided was a good read towards this topic and some understanding for me.

[kittypw GG]

Lee,
Tolerant feelings can come back towards the crossdressing. If my ex would have included me in his thoughts and fears and communicated better with me instead of blame me for all of his woes things would have most certainly been different. He was obsessed and had he really tried to gain perspective and give even a little of what I was asking in return he could have had it all. But alas he was greedy and selfish and that is a big turn OFF to accepting gg's.
I'm not trying to compare you to him though, I hope that his level of stupidity is not common among cd's in general.

You are getting the picture though and will likely only gain higher levels of love and respect in your marriage. Balance IS the key to perspective. We all need perspective in our lives and an eye to the big picture.

Crossdressing may not be a priority now but it might have been more of a priority in the past, just now things have gone a little out of balance due to family responsibilities. Maybe you can help your wife get those things back in balance for her and help her regain her perspective and gain the ability to see the bigger picture.

Carin is so right, we are here to help eachother not get into pissing contests about who looks better in feminine clothing.

Lee I wish you luck and love
:hugs:
Kitty

[Satrana]

Lee

This is the way I read situations like this. Women generally do not like crossdressing period because it goes against everything they were taught, believed in and expected. However they are in love with their man so they make an effort to accommodate it with the hope that over time they will get used to it.

However if their central beliefs that men should not display femininity remains unchanged then all that actually happens is they slowly build up resentment that their man is not normal, that they have to cope with things other women don't, that they have to keep secrets etc. While life is good they can put this simmering resentment aside but if they feel under pressure then they cannot be bothered pretending anymore that they enjoy this aspect of the relationship.

So it is not really a sudden change of heart but rather their true feelings surfacing. And once they are out it will be difficult for her to return to pretending that she is OK with it. Like CDs, once the true feelings come out of the closet there is no turning back. This means you will likely have to re-negotiate the conditions on how and when you can crossdress.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Lee,

We all have different situations, but my take is to ask "what is most important?" For me, my relationship with my wife -- now 39 years -- is uppermost. While I dress in her presence, there are times when I know she does not need that, and I respect that. She is supportive in turn. A quick example: last Saturday would have been my first time out to our local TG group's meeting, and I was looking forward to that. However, Hanna was threatening lots of rain, she wasn't keen on my going, and I'd rented a video. So no dressing, just a cozy evening. I'm so glad I did that. The next day she told me about some things that had been bothering her at work, and that she really needed to be with me.

I'd echo what Tracy and others have said: try to be patient and understand her feelings.

Claire

[Lee Andrews]

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughtful and informative responses from both sides. I realize no one is perfect and I recognize a few things I could or should do to improve things in our lives.

Satrana, your post seems to be the way she is feeling from our last conversation on the subject.

If this turns out to be the way things are for the future then I can be grateful that I have a wife that still supports me. Not to the degree I would like but support none the less.

Again, Thank you to the members of this forum who have replied and PMed me, I don't know what I would have done without you:love:.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Mine has as well and I feel it's because she has a lot of stress from dealing with her ill mother. She used to be really supportive and would go shopping with me as sandra and we would go out as girlfriends from rtime to time. It has been about a year now that she has "cooled" and that's OK, she needs her man more so I am there for her during her time of need. Hopefully Sandra and her will step out again some day and thyat will tell me alls well in her life, at least relatively speaking.