A Difficult Decision

[Sapphire]

From reading posts to this forum it is apparent that while some women may accept men who regard themselves as transgendered, the overwhelming majority want to have nothing to do with men who enjoy cross-dressing. The question must therefore be asked: Just what hope is there for those crossdressers who would like to fall in love, get married and become parents? While it is fine for those who have already experienced the joys of being in love and of becoming parents, to advise that men should be up front with prospective partners about being transgendered, is this a reasonable expectation when the consequences of being honest are almost guaranteed to result in rejection? As it is not altogether uncommon for women to have secrets that they never reveal to their partners should not transgendered men accept that sometime there is a need to be at least economical with the truth? I do not mean to downplay the difficulties that attach to concealment but simply to place emphasis on the consequences of being honest and open, at least in the climate of rejection that seems to prevail in so many present day environments. Any comments?

[Sandra]

economical with the truth

Is what causes alot of problems, esecially if the full truth comes out later on. And then the trust issues develope.

[MJ]

if we went out in our female role and met someone then a, they would know up front. and b, there is no trust issues

for most of us it was our fear that got us in this mess in the first place

[celeste26]

On top of all that there are in fact women who like a CD for a partner and while it takes a little longer maybe, to find such a partner it is well worth it.

[Wendy me]

been through getting the whole package wife kids family ..... not telling her the truth... kids grown .... wife knows ...is unsupported ..... in the end not something that looks like it will ever change....... know what???? be honest trust me............

[michelle64]

be honest from the start..do not lie..it will get you into much trouble down the road...there are many GG's out there who you will find are supportive..if the love is there and you are upfront the relationship will stand her knowing about are little hobby...over the years i have met many GG's who i still consider my friend who absolutly treat myself for who i am (accepatance/respect)

[Samantha43]

Some women are very accepting, others are not. My suggestion would be to try to get a feel for how she views people who are maybe a little out of the norm. See how accepting she is of people who are different than her. It is difficult to do without being obvious, but just look for her reactions. I told my wife about my crossdressing before we got married and she has been very supportive of me. In return, I keep a balance in my life. I don't let crossdressing interfere with our family life.

We have been happily married for over 20 years and have a wonderful family.

[Karen__Starr]

I for one do not want marriage or a very long term relationship but instead companionship now and then which does not mean a one night stand either. Any man I happen to date know well in advance who I am and make sure of that and that I can trust them. Best to be up front and never allow anyone to think you are something you are not, otherwise you are fooling yourself and all those involved.

[DeeInGeorgia]

I didn't tell my wife before we were married because I thought marriage would cure me. My wife has told me that she would not have married me if she had known I was a crossdresser.

In my case, my wife was only my 2nd real long term relationship, and we met at the age of 30 for me.

I always had problems exhibiting typical male fatherly characteristics as I grew up, making it exceedingly difficult for women to be attracted to me. I eventually moved to California, someplace that I determined that women were less likely to want a typical masculine male. It worked for me, but would not worked if I had been open about crossdressing.

My best suggestion is to look for where bisexual women would congregate, particulaly those with college degrees.

Dee

[darla_g]

i have a couple of close GG friends not affiliated with this site. (Please not to take anything away from the fine GGs here but lets face it they already have shown an affinity and acceptance of CDs)

A couple of them were very clear that they would want to know early in the relationship that their bf was a cd and what this meant. I think there is still a strong misconception that prevails that all CDs are gay or that they secretly want a sex change. All of these women i am talking about know that and while they don't say it is a deal breaker they need to be reassured. I get the impression that it is not a show stopper.

[docrobbysherry]

that if everyone truthfully told their dates everything about themselves on the first date, there would be NO second dates!

Tell what u need to tell, when u need to tell it. And she probably will, too. If u both know most of the TRUTH about the other, before you're married, you're ahead of the curve!

That being said, not telling your partner u may be gay, bi, or a CD before you're married, is probably a big mistake! It was, in my marriage!:sad:

[Holly]

With the divorce rate exceeding 50%, it would seem there are plenty of deal breakers already. Honesty, commitment, love (not lust) are the cornerstones of a relationship. Examine the threads carefully where there is marital or relationship discord and you will find that the overehelming majority of the causes stem from a breach of trust. Being truthful should never be a difficult decission.

[CD Susan]

I agree in that honesty up front right from the beginning is the best policy. I learned the hard way as I got married thinking this would cure my cd tendencies. I was definately wrong about this and as the years progressed into my marriage I wanted to tell her so much that I finally did one day. This decision I made caused the beginning of the end as she could not deal with this and we eventually divorced because of this issue. I should have told her about me being a cd before we married but I did not and I regret that. So what I am saying is always tell everything about yourself to a prospective spouse even if it means losing her. Some women can deal with this and some cannot but it is always better to know before getting married.

[Satrana]

It is the age long dilemma, if you have an otherwise happy and successful relationship do you reveal the one issue that could bring it crashing down. It is especially problematic because as the CD, you know the issue is essentially harmless but your partner will see it otherwise because of ingrained prejudices.

We all know that we should always be truthful but in reality as social creatures we all massage the truth each and every day to avoid strife in relationships. Partners who reveal everything to each other are very rare and perhaps don't exist at all. You would have to be extremely compatible with your partner to pull off that level of honesty.

Seems to me everyone has to weigh the pluses and minuses for their own relationship. I have no doubt that in many cases keeping the secret in the closet is the best solution available. Sad but true.

[Chryl]

I told my SO I liked wearing pantyhose when I thought there could be a relationship happening, about the 5th date or so.

I was not completly honest, if I was she would have ran. We then had 5yrs of a great relationship, but, very difficult time growing into CDing. After a 6 months break we are back together and having a great time CDing as well as great relationship.

The main reason CDing is accepted now is my acceptance of myself and my CDing.

There are females out there who accept us, but my advice is go slow with the info at first, start as soon as you think there is a relationship growing and come clean early. The acceptance of yourself and your level of comfort will play a big role in your girl friend's acceptance.

To hide your CDing, is wrong, your SO has a right to know and by the way, it only grows stronger and it is lots of fun, much more doing it with a person you love. Don't cheat yourself out of a lot of fun because you have to hide and never lie to your SO.

My thoughts

Cheryl

[Nicole Erin]

I would not tell a G/F unless it looked like things would get serious.
Unless the CD is obvious, people don't need to know.

[mylitta]

I would never advocate telling all on the first date, but neither do I think hiding it all is a good basis for a relationship. And what about the GG in all this? Do you not think she has a right to be able to make an informed decision about whether she want to get into a serious relationship?
Being 'economical with the truth' sounds selfish to me- tricking someone into a relationship. And when she does find out, it won't be pretty.

I have 'secrets' I wouldn't tell to all and sundry, but I have always been upfront about them when I feel a relationship has potential to get serious, so decions can be made without anyone getting hurt

[Sandra]

My best suggestion is to look for where bisexual women would congregate, particulaly those with college degrees.

Dee

Why?

I'm not bisexual and I don't have a college degree, but I'm totally accepting.

These two things don't make an accepting partner.

[Jocelyn Renee]

I'm in no way trying to minimize the very real consequences of telling the truth, as I've experienced them firsthand. However, telling the truth is ALWAYS the right thing to do, no matter what the question. Truth equals freedom and real happiness, while lying traps one in a false sense of security. A life built upon deception is a house of cards waiting to be toppled and when it happens the destruction is complete. Build your life on a solid foundation. It may not be the easy way, but the results are worth it.

[Jennifer Devine]

If i'm going to involve a woman in my life then i will tell them about my crossdressing before anything gets to serious because if they don't like guys who crossdress then they are going to feel humiliated and let down but if they do like it and it's something you can both do together well then fair enough.
You shouldn't keep it a secret just to keep the relationship going because it is dishonest.
Most women in my hometown know anyway.

I've seen instances on Jerry Springer when a transgendered woman/man tells their partners what they really are or used to be knowing that they are straight and it just leaves them feeling disgusted because they weren't honest about who they really were and to me that is wrong.
When a person becomes a big part of your life then they should know everything.
If you're honest in the first place then she'll love you more for it ;)

Jen xxxxxx

[Katheryn]

From reading posts to this forum it is apparent that while some women may accept men who regard themselves as transgendered, the overwhelming majority want to have nothing to do with men who enjoy cross-dressing. The question must therefore be asked: Just what hope is there for those crossdressers who would like to fall in love, get married and become parents?

One of the things that makes this CD different from most males is that I do listen to friends and discuss feelings, etc. Most women find this a good thing and tend to have "girl to girl" type talks with me, even though many don't realize I'm a CD. The most common topic of conversation is guys and how they don't listen, don't want to talk about emotional things, etc. Most of these women are societally conditioned to be attracted to macho male types and that very macho element is what they end up complaining about. Usually at some point they say they "thought they could change him".

Usually sometime shortly after that they comment that I am different and do I have any brothers, etc. This is especially true if they don't know about Kate. It's hard to point out to them that they are specifically seeking males who have those elements to their personalities that lend themselves to, if not outright abuse, then at least those negatives of which the gg's are complaining.

When I came out to my wife I underlined the fact that the things she liked about me over other guys were, in fact, the same female elements that led me to cross dress. Although a rough night at the time, it worked out. What a lot of gg's need to do is realize that CD's have a very nice element of good female ingredients to the mix that makes up their personalities, and personality is what someone should be looking for instead of a lot of things, like looks, that change as time goes on.

Just my two cents... with inflation is about a buck eighty, nowadays.

Kate

[Di]

Being economical with the truth is a sure way for trust to be breached and sometimes when that happens it is never or the same again or in some case the relationship is over. I think telling when you are getting serious is the answer.
I think there are more open minded women that you think there are.

[Bridged]

If I may...........I think that there are a lot of factors that would lead a cd to either tell or not tell a potential SO about his/her crossdressing. On the one hand honesty IS the best policy. Especially if the relationship is becoming serious, full and complete honest including whether you dress part time or desire to dress full time, want to go out or do it at home, how much involvement you would like from your SO, and your plans to take it further(if you do). These are questions that your SO deserves to have answered, plus a few hundred more:) At the same time, I believe that it is also important to give that person a chance to know and love you as a man first, then slowly let her get to know your counterpart. I think loving one part of someone makes it a bit, actually a lot easier. not just to accept, but to love another part, however socially unacceptable it is.
Deception, once the relationship becomes serious really will lead to the downfall. Imagine letting your SO come up with all of her own wild conclusions about your little secret instead of getting the answers she needs from you. One thing you will notice is that marriage WILL NOT eliminate your need to dress however much you want it to. Also, if cding is still something that you don't quite understand about yourself, you might find it much easier to talk to your SO about it, explore it together, while hiding it will only cause you to feel more guilt.
Good luck........Bridged

[Jennifer in CO]

Based on my appearance in college, my wife thought I was a woman before she found out I was a man. We hit it off after that, the relationship blossoming when she asked if I wanted to "be" a woman and I said "no, I just like dressing like one"

Jenn

[erica12b]

Im kind of cheating, I made a my space page and have only had one girlfriend from it,(that knows I like to dress) she was amazed at how sexy my legs looked and how good I look when dressed , we shopped some and dated for a bit ,we are now just friends.

I am now using my page to look for a girlfriend and every thing is up front, most ask if im gay (I state, im straight. They still ask) then they ask why I don’t show my face ( I tell them I would like to keep my job, thank you) most gg’s don’t get the idea of the rush we get from fem stuff or the feel of the clothes they get to where all the time.

im hoping to find a gg that likes me for me , you know?

[putz0611]

IMO The biggest problem I see, is that some CDers come to conclusions about the GG that they are dating without truly giving them a chance. Yes, when people are with others, most tend to agree with whatever is being said, whether negative or positive. One of the best ways to see if the person you want to date is open minded, is to casually remark about a pair of shoes you may see. Your potential SO will start to see your interest in CDing and then if you decide to get serious, tell your SO. Otherwise, hiding something will always be felt. Once again this is IMO.