Backslid

[ElaineB]

I was away on vacation, having fun, relaxing with no stress. Then I got bored. Then I thought about dressing again. It is always like that, the basic addictive cycle. Boredom to indulgence maybe to regret.

I came back from vacation. I dressed. I bought a new dress, two new tops, some tights. I started to think about going out. Tonight I bought makeup again. Tomorrow I am considering going to get shoes and maybe a couple of other things.

Soon I have a date with a woman I have just met. I bet if that goes well my interest in dressing will fade again.

This message has no point. I vent, that's all.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Elaine

There is a point

Writing this down is obviously part of you understanding yourself

I hope that you dont have too many regrets

[Angie G]

Sorry I just can;t see dressing and shopping as backsliding. It not going anywere hun so enjoy it. :hugs:
Angie

[deja true]

Ver-r-r-y Interesting!

Zo maybe it iss ze datink sing zat iss ze backslidink, no?

For it iss zen, zat yu are forgettink to do ze dressink up, yes?

Zis vill take many, many sessions, I am afraid...

Pleasss! ... lie back und tell me all about zis problem you sink yu are haffink!

:heehee:

[Karren H]

Well the term "back sliding", in my humble opinion, referes to falling falling off the horse or wagon and doing something that you don't want to do (or you aren't supposed to do).. And yeah we've all felt that way before, but I'll tell ya one thing. Once I accepted that doing what I loved to do was not a bad thing...... Crossdressing became fun. Something to be celebrated.. As long as you can find a balance and incorporate it into your life... Its not something to treat like a terminal illness.. Also in my humble opinion

[Jonianne]

Hi Elaine,

If you backslide and go without dressing for a while, thats OK. Just remember that crossdessing never goes away entirely. So, if you start to slip into a backsliden condition while dating, remember that in your long term relationships, that you need to let them know that you are a crossdresser, or as in many posts here, lots of problems can happen.

Hugs, Joni

PS. Also I wouldn't recommend purging while you are in a backsliden condition, you know how expensive it can be, getting all your cloths back.

[ElaineB]

Writing this down is obviously part of you understanding yourself

Yes, there is that, isn't there? I think you saw that before I did this time. :thumbsup:

I do not know if I actually am learning much about myself, or if not. I am quite sure that if I ever claimed to be simple, many people who know me would fall off their chairs laughing. So I am sure there is something there to learn. Three or four general notions are on my mind this morning:

One

One of my basic weaknesses is that I cannot easily put myself in somebody else's shoes or even see myself in perspective. That is one of the absolutely solid things I do know about myself. To get to some other person's viewpoint, I have to think it through, just like I am doing here. And yes, that can even mean the simple mechanical act of dressing like a woman and putting myself in their shoes (literally even :heehee:).

I do not mean to insult women by claiming that this simple parody makes me like one of them, or lets me understand them ... of course not. I know better than that. But it is a baby step along the way that works for me for particular well-known reasons I would rather not say here. The simple things some other men might do ... like just talking ... do not seem to get the job done for me.

This is maybe the only real benefit to my dressing ... and some time that will stop being an advantage. When is that time? I wish I knew.

That is a particular personal reason that only involves me. There are some other things I think when I read people's comments and replies. I think like an academic. When I run into conflicting ideas my instinct is to resolve them by debating them ... but I do not want to fight with anybody and I appreciate all the responses I get. So I will answer some common things I have heard in general terms here rather than reply to specific people. If anybody wants to argue some of what I say please just jump in. I will not be offended by honest discussion.

Two

I think maybe another big part of why I dress is a basic adventurousness. When there are no real places I want to go or can go to easily, then going someone else instead of somewhere else is appealing ... it gets me the novelty I want ... at least for a while.

The thing is ... there are still lots of new things I could be doing which would probably do the job better. I have a list of things to try which is very long ... all stuff I am sure I would enjoy and find interesting for at least a while. Why does this appeal more than those? Am I just running away from some part of myself? If I am ... what is it? Here I make little or no progress. One small detail I do see is that crossdressing feels good on a physical level ... probably more so than other things I like to do.

That kinda thinking leads to this...

Three

Many times here I have read many well-meaning posts from people saying to "accept crossdressing is part of who you are." I cannot agree with this ... at least not in the literal sense. I do agree not to beat ourselves up about it!

I expect it is literally true for some. We all know that CDers are a diverse group of people ... and if somebody tends more towards the transsexual end of the spectrum then Accepting Who They Are is a very basic and important thing. Clearly.

Nevertheless... I have to say that when I hear this kind of thing it reminds me very clearly of the sort of behavior people indulge in to cover addictions. Drunks make cute jokes ... "drinking problem? I drink, I fall down, no problem." Smokers invent rationalizations why they need to keep smoking. Junkies do it for the thrill.

And so I question this thinking. Is it just an addiction? The pattern looks to be exactly the same ... it starts as a small thrill done for fun. It grows and becomes part of our lives. We try to quit then binge. Try and try and try again. Not to sound too dramatic though ... The job of Drama Queen is already filled in our family and not by me. :violin: If it is an addiction it seems to be a relatively harmless one and vastly better than alternatives ... so I am not much bothered by it. I just want to understand.

and last...

I guess I am also skeptical of the "It's Who I Am" view because who I am has changed so much in the course of my life. I believe in change ... and I have done a very great amount of it!

There do seem to be some bits of me that are basic. I am a creative type. I have an aggressive mind. These things show up in everything I do. So I do not discount this kind of thinking ... but ... if I am at heart feminine there is very little evidence of it! On those gender tests I always score more than 90% male and everyday experience fits with that.

So it cannot simply be that Elaine is who I am. If I am expressing some aspect of myself it must be something less obvious and direct. And if there is anything there then learning it would obviously be a good thing. Then I could maybe find more rewarding ways to bring that out.

Thank you all for reading that. I like to hear other people's thinking on the subject. Please share any you want to!

[Jilmac]

I love to be the bearer of glad tidings in telling you that your desire to dress will never go away. If you can muster up the courage to tell your new GF about your desire to dress, you might be pleasantly surprised. You two could possibly turn out to be best girlfriends. Anyway, Enjoy your new clothes hon.:love: