Vicki65
09-09-2008, 05:31 PM
Tonight is my first visit. I have been crossdressing on and off for as long as I remember. I can vaguely remember putting on a pair of my mums hippy boots (1970 ish) when I was probably about 5 years old, and feeling 'different' in a way this five year old had never felt before. For a long time, I supressed what became urges as I felt bad about what I was doing.
When I left home, I began ordering things via mail order catalogues, mainly high heels, boots, skirts etc, but once I'd worn them once, feeling desperately guilty and evil once more and returning them. I managed to keep things quiet for a long time, until a divorce (nothing to do with my CD - my wife didn't know) and moving on again when I felt I had the freedom once more to indulge myself - but once again with the guilt and feelings of disgust that followed.
I re-married around 5 years ago, and as my previous marriage had fallen apart due to lies and deceit (on my part in the main) I decided to be totally open, and totally honest with my current wife before we married as the hurt my previous divorce had caused others was truly awful.
I told my future-wife the reasons my last marriage ended (an affair, my doing) and I told her that I was a crossdresser. Understandably, it came as a bit of a shock to her, and she wasn't entirely keen on the idea (!) but she accepted 'me' for who I am.
Anyway, in deference to my lovely wife, I managed to once again supress my urges for nearly five years until recently when I'd begun to feel deeply depressed (I have suffered the odd episode) and quite snappy with everyone. I lost a lot of sleep, spent time alone close to tears and once or twice felt suicidal but for the love of my wife.
We have had several long chats about my feelings, and she said she would rather I was happy and open with her, and has suggested I buy some things, though would prefer not to see me dressed (we both joke about the likelihood of me looking like the 'Bounty' paper towl women - I am a heavily built, hairy 'rugby player' shape so she has a point!)
She suggested that I search out a forum run by people who share my feelings, so earlier this evening I did, and here I am. I have spent the evening either in tears having read that others have gone through exactly the same pain and self-loathing as I, and how wonderfully strong and supportive members here can be.
I feel I am just now, after forty odd years, able to explore my own feelings with the support of an incredibly understanding, loving wife. I know I am just starting out really, but it is as though a weight that I've been carrying all of my life has been lifted off me, and the sunshine is coming out from behind the clouds and I'm seeing it for the first time.
I would like to publicly thank my wonderful wife, and thank you lot for allowing me to no longer be 'alone'
When I left home, I began ordering things via mail order catalogues, mainly high heels, boots, skirts etc, but once I'd worn them once, feeling desperately guilty and evil once more and returning them. I managed to keep things quiet for a long time, until a divorce (nothing to do with my CD - my wife didn't know) and moving on again when I felt I had the freedom once more to indulge myself - but once again with the guilt and feelings of disgust that followed.
I re-married around 5 years ago, and as my previous marriage had fallen apart due to lies and deceit (on my part in the main) I decided to be totally open, and totally honest with my current wife before we married as the hurt my previous divorce had caused others was truly awful.
I told my future-wife the reasons my last marriage ended (an affair, my doing) and I told her that I was a crossdresser. Understandably, it came as a bit of a shock to her, and she wasn't entirely keen on the idea (!) but she accepted 'me' for who I am.
Anyway, in deference to my lovely wife, I managed to once again supress my urges for nearly five years until recently when I'd begun to feel deeply depressed (I have suffered the odd episode) and quite snappy with everyone. I lost a lot of sleep, spent time alone close to tears and once or twice felt suicidal but for the love of my wife.
We have had several long chats about my feelings, and she said she would rather I was happy and open with her, and has suggested I buy some things, though would prefer not to see me dressed (we both joke about the likelihood of me looking like the 'Bounty' paper towl women - I am a heavily built, hairy 'rugby player' shape so she has a point!)
She suggested that I search out a forum run by people who share my feelings, so earlier this evening I did, and here I am. I have spent the evening either in tears having read that others have gone through exactly the same pain and self-loathing as I, and how wonderfully strong and supportive members here can be.
I feel I am just now, after forty odd years, able to explore my own feelings with the support of an incredibly understanding, loving wife. I know I am just starting out really, but it is as though a weight that I've been carrying all of my life has been lifted off me, and the sunshine is coming out from behind the clouds and I'm seeing it for the first time.
I would like to publicly thank my wonderful wife, and thank you lot for allowing me to no longer be 'alone'