What do you bring...

[Cathytg]

In every relationship two people bring and share certain aspects of their personalities and characters. You and I have essentially twice as much to contribute as most men because we have the fem side as well as the masculine side.

So, my question is really one for you to ask your wife or SO, assuming that your partner knows and respects your fem side. Simply put: What does your wife or SO feel that your CDing(or TG if you wish) has contributed toward enhancing your relationship and, therefore, toward enhancing your partner's life?

I have discussed this with my wife and her response will appear as a later reply on this thread.

[susan fuller]

My wife got bored with being retired and went back to work. Since then I try to do the house work and some of the cooking. I also do a lot of the ironing and washing. The first thing I do in the mornings is make the bed. I am dressed as a woman and feel right at home doing the housework. I try to be dressed real nice when she comes home from work and she appreciates it. She always tells me how good I look in whatever I am wearing. I feel this helps with the relationship and takes the work off her. When I am dressed as a woman I love to do things that are normally related to a woman.

[Sarah...]

You and I have essentially twice as much to contribute as most men because we have the fem side as well as the masculine side.



Hmmm. What about we may contribute the same "quantity" (if one can describe it that way) as any other person because we may only have half of the male side and half of the female side to contribute?

In other words it doesn't come down to "twice as much" and we can't put a quantity onto the relative value of a half male / half female personality vs full male or full female personalities. Those looking for a fully masculine (or feminine) partner will be very happy with that and don't need a masculine / feminine mix. Others do need and actually desire that mix. So, if you're contributing to the relationship just what your partner needs, whatever that is, then good on you, you're a star!

So, putting my soapbox away and taking your question in a less black and white way, my wife has been very happy with the benefits I bring to our relationship as Sarah. She feels she has gained more than she's lost and the impact on our relationship has been fantastic. My wife feels she now has a true best friend and a better partner, lover and, dare I say it, husband (and strangely I feel that too, despite my gender identity). Her posts on other topics on the forum illustrate this perfectly. There have been, are and still will be difficulties but it's never boring!

Does that make sense at all?

Sarah...

[Cathytg]

Sarah, it makes perfect sense to me.

Kris has told me many times that she knows that I am more deeply in touch with my own self because of my fem aspect and I know that she is quite right.

She also has told me many times that she knows that it is the fem side that brings me to tell her so how much I love her and how pretty she is and to say it so frequently. That moves her deeply and hearing it so often probably is due to the fem side.

Also, she knows that I understand her problems and issues far better than most men would who were locked into their macho stuff. She is starting menopause now and knows that she can always get a hug and a kiss no matter how hot she flashes.

How do I know that this all flows from my gender placement? For most of my life I was something of a lump with no feelings and no empathy until about ten years ago I began to embrace the TG in me. Some folks call it a curse and some call it a gift. I guess it has been both at various times in my life, but my wife is very sure that it is a true gift.

[abundantly_me]

I'm going out on a limb with this answer, so I'll say this now, please don't hate me.

I don't think just because you cross dress that you have twice as much to offer. You may have a more rounded perspective, but that just reminds me of what my guidance counselor said a long time ago about college - you should attend college to have a well rounded perspective of the world. I also believe you don't have to walk in another person's shoes to gain an understanding of their view point,(however it may help some to achieve it.) There are men, whom don't cross dress who I have found to exemplify this ~ being able to easily relate to the more feminine rational.

In my relationship my SO is whom he is, and frankly I really hate that 2 names/ persona stuff. I believe he is the same person, whether he is dressed or not.

I believe when it comes to qualities that a person possesses it shouldn't change by how we are dressed and if it does change that dramatically, there might be some real underlying pyschotic issues going on.

Sometimes it saddens me, that the man who crossdresses just can't seem be happy being himself unless he "transforms" himself. It saddens me because weren't you exactly the same person before? Are you so caught up in the materialistic that you don't see the you underneath? Is it that you don't give yourself permission to be whom you are without the change of clothing?


What does your wife or SO feel that your CDing(or TG if you wish) has contributed toward enhancing your relationship and, therefore, toward enhancing your partner's life?

ummmm, NOTHING, it is his total being that enhances my life, his openess and understanding are qualities that come from within, no matter what his outside has on.

[Deborah Jane]

CHOCOLATE

Sorry, but whenever i,ve told a woman about my crossdressing i,ve lost her because of it :sad:

But whenever i take them chocolate, they seem to like me :)

[KandisTX]

I bring a huge wardrobe full of clothing she gets to borrow ;)

Seriously, I am quite happily married and we communicate and share the work load around the house. The main thing though is the communication, If we don't communicate, we screw things up.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Angie G]

I don't know But that's a good question I'll have to ask her. :hugs:
Angie

[Nikki K]

I'm going out on a limb with this answer, so I'll say this now, please don't hate me.

No hate here; you raise EXCELLENT points.


In my relationship my SO is whom he is, and frankly I really hate that 2 names/ persona stuff. I believe he is the same person, whether he is dressed or not.

My SO also hates the 2 name thing; it makes her feel that Nikki is the "other woman", a third person in our relationship. I only recently created this "persona" in order to sign up on this site and to make it easier (I thought) to talk about it in therapy. However, for the last 35 years, prior to coming out, I never thought about myself as two people; just one complex and confused one.


I believe when it comes to qualities that a person possesses it shouldn't change by how we are dressed and if it does change that dramatically, there might be some real underlying pyschotic issues going on.

This could be true, however, when your ability to express such a deeply repressed part of your character is suddenly given a voice by a simple change of clothes the effect and release of emotion is exaggerated. Most people would admit that they feel different in PJ's vs a business suit.


Sometimes it saddens me, that the man who crossdresses just can't seem be happy being himself unless he "transforms" himself. It saddens me because weren't you exactly the same person before? Are you so caught up in the materialistic that you don't see the you underneath? Is it that you don't give yourself permission to be whom you are without the change of clothing?

I can't speak for everyone but I'm struggling to find, identify, and learn to love, the whole person within. My life has been full of confusion, repression, and inner torment that somehow I was different and hence unacceptable since I don't conform to societal norms and expectations of a male.


ummmm, NOTHING, it is his total being that enhances my life, his openess and understanding are qualities that come from within, no matter what his outside has on.

My SO would agree: to her, my CD/TG issues bring NOTHING to our relationship except pain, confusion, and suffering. She loves me for who I am but has only recently become aware of my CDing. Right now I have to agree with her, however, it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do.

[allisonrn06]

One of the reasons my wife came to accept me this way is that she realized that having this other side of me is part of what makes me such a caring spouse( her words, not mine),so I never really had to ask her about what it brings to the table!!

[abundantly_me]

Thank you Nikki, for adding and responding to my thoughts.



when your ability to express such a deeply repressed part of your character is suddenly given a voice by a simple change of clothes

you know I do understand this, clothing can let you express how you feel, they can add a sense of confidence or put one in a certain mood, or perhaps yet to better phrase it, they help set the mood.

but

my original thoughts were more along the lines it doesn't change whom you are inside. The perception of how you view yourself, or how others view you may change, but the being that is "you" doesn't change. I don't know if it's just how society is, where we focus perhaps too much on the image and not the person inside.

again Thanks Nikki K, for your words!

[Jocelyn Renee]

I have to agree with abundantly_me. Perhaps the enhancements we perceive are more the result of us finally breaking down barriers in our own minds and becoming free to express our real personalities. One doesn't have to wear a dress and makeup to be willing to share in the housework or treat their spouse with respect and love. Other than minor differences in mannerisms I behave the same way no matter how I am dressed.

[pinkeverything]

CHOCOLATE

Sorry, but whenever i,ve told a woman about my crossdressing i,ve lost her because of it :sad:

But whenever i take them chocolate, they seem to like me :)

Yeah, it is sad. I'm sad. Maybe I should try chocolate on the next one.

[Sarah...]

my original thoughts were more along the lines it doesn't change whom you are inside.

Exactly. So you'll get no argument from me, as such. CDing of whatever hue doesn't change the person inside. I feel very, very strongly about this.

So, just as an example, you'll get no complaints from my SO about my contribution, ever since we got together 18 years ago, to the so-called traditional feminine roles as regards running a house or raising kids. No complaints from me either for that matter. I say "so-called" because those kind of perceived gender roles are nuts anyway.

I agree. I absolutely don't need clothes to create that person. That is me already. Rather, I need to wear clothes designed for a woman exactly because that is who I am inside. I am not creating another persona - I am matching my look to the one and only persona I have.

The changes in me that my SO has seen over recent months have not been as a result of creating another persona, they have resulted from allowing my persona to be expressed fully and not be repressed by my understanding of what I thought society expected of me in my male body. I am 100% me. I used to be 30% me.

So for me there are benefits for my relationship but they result from me expressing my full self and not being repressed. Dressing how I want is just a side effect, a happy one for me, but a side effect nonetheless.

Another member here has commented several times that she feels crossdressing is transexual purgatory - she just may be right in my view.

Sarah...

[Cathytg]

Wow! There are some great thoughts here although they don't all address the question directly. But I can see a real profound issue which is only natural. Do I become more feminized when I dress or do I dress because I have a strong famine aspect?

I completely agree that I am not two persons; that I am not a man and a woman. I am just me. But, you know, as much as I enjoy a good football game, I also enjoyed painting a clay piggy bank a few weeks ago. If I place myself upon a gender line from masculine to feminine, I am certain that I will be well over toward the feminine side of the middle. And I think it is that femininity which gives me the softer parts of what I contribute to our marriage. Like any of you, I feel a powerful urge to dress and I might behave a bit differently when I do. Still, I am only one person and I relate to my wife from my total personality which happens to be somewhat feminized.

My wife has never begun a sentence with "You behave, when dressed ..." It is always simply "You ...." I think she is on to something there.

[ReineD]

I'd like to present a slightly different view.

The stereotypical response is that many CDers, more than the average male, share qualities that are traditionally ascribed as being feminine: sensitivity, right-brain intuitivity, nurturance, and they are generally in touch with their softer emotions. Plus, they completely understand the importance of having to stop at a drugstore on the way to an outing because we broke a nail! :) This is certainly true of my SO, in addition to being brilliant, logical, courageous, and stoic.

But, I believe the average guy will also exhibit the same tender characteristics, especially if he is in a close and connected relationship with his SO. I believe these qualities to be descriptive of an emotionally healthy human being and they are not a woman's exclusive domain. Today, men nurture their children, cook, share in the household chores and otherwise support their wives' careers. And they can be romantic. And they can cry.

It is true there are the beer-guzzling, insensitive oafs. Or the unhappy males with resulting emotional issues who are in unfulfilling relationships. But, not every male is an alpha male. Just as not every female is a princess.
:hugs:

[Sarah's lover]

Sometimes it saddens me, that the man who crossdresses just can't seem be happy being himself unless he "transforms" himself. It saddens me because weren't you exactly the same person before? Are you so caught up in the materialistic that you don't see the you underneath? Is it that you don't give yourself permission to be whom you are without the change of clothing?

Sarah spent the last 18 years being less of a person. I can see that now, having had several months with Sarah. I now receive lots of cuddles, praise, compliments etc. Sarah willingly cooks for me and nurtures me whereas there were resentments under the surface before she is now a happier person.

BUT, BUT, BUT and it is a big but!!!! Sarah being a much happier person is not to do with transformation it is to do with her accepting herself and me accepting her.

I think many cd/tg girls are much more perceptive and aware of what is inside/underneath than us straightforward peeps. After all certainly the tg girls may
have had many years of angst along the way!

Yes materialistic in terms of wanting nice clothes etc but there is no crime in that.

I'd rather have Sarah than Andy.

Abundantly me I do agree with the issue of whether to say he or she. Its a tricky one. There is never going to be a straightforward solution.

Rebecca x

[Cathytg]

I'd like to present a slightly different view.

But, I believe the average guy will also exhibit the same tender characteristics, especially if he is in a close and connected relationship with his SO.

I absolutely agree. I did not mean to imply that non-TG guys are harsh. We are all individuals. But, speaking only for myself, I had spent a lifetime being a wimp and a lump and it was not until I really came to know my femininity that I became someone I love and who is loved by my wife.

[RikkiOfLA]

I asked my wife to respond...

She writes...

I have only known you as Rikki......The one time I saw you as your other self I asked you to please make me a promise and not ever dress that way again......So I guess you bring your TRUE self to our lives and our relationship.......I enjoy your intelligence and your female humor.....Not to mention your eye on fashion is incredable.....It is fun living with you my lover, friend and of course Girl Friend also......

What her response shows me is that love means loving a real person, not a personna or a stereotype. If my femininity means that in some ways I am more than a man, it also means that in some other ways, I am less than the stereotype of a man. But then, everyone is less than the stereotype, perhaps, but in so many ways, much more than any stereotype could ever be.

I know that I love her more than life itself! She has given me hope, vibrancy, and life anew at a time when my life could easily have gone into decline. Her acceptance of Rikki is just one of the many reasons I love her so much!

Sincerely,
Rikki

[Nikki K]

I agree. I absolutely don't need clothes to create that person. That is me already. Rather, I need to wear clothes designed for a woman exactly because that is who I am inside. I am not creating another persona - I am matching my look to the one and only persona I have.

The changes in me that my SO has seen over recent months have not been as a result of creating another persona, they have resulted from allowing my persona to be expressed fully and not be repressed by my understanding of what I thought society expected of me in my male body. I am 100% me. I used to be 30% me.

We're all in violent agreement! And yet, this is the fundamental dilemma for the TG/CD person. My SO believed she was in a relationship with a 100% male. Since coming out to her six months ago, and hence fully expressing my persona, she feels I've only been giving less than 50% to our relationship (as the male husband she married) and I'm keeping a large proportion of myself back for my own selfish and personal needs. She certainly doesn't believe that it contributes anything to our relationship.

I can fully understand and appreciate her point of view (which is why we're still together and still talking) and yet I still yearn to find a way of releasing and expressing my inner-self without violating her concept of our relationship.

I do not need to dress in order to feel my interpretation of feminine, which is present every minute of every day; however, doing so seems to significantly enhance and deepen my experience.

I'm in the process, right now, of trying to define my "authentic self"; this is a concept of exploring the reasons why you are the person you have become to try and find the real, original, authentic you. A subject for another thread but it does speak to what we're talking about here. Being honest about ourselves and our inner-most feelings and the effect this has on others around us.