How Does it Feel?

[Kimberley]

I guess we talk about it but rarely describe how it actually feels to live with Gender Dysphoria. So, I am thinking about an article for just that purpose on my always under construction website. I would like to use these as quotes.

In no more than TWO sentences try to describe how it feels to you. I think this will put a totally different perspective on things; Personal feelings instead of logical argument.


For me, it is like being in a prison cell with no or very little outside contact and only allowed out for exercise a few hours every day.

Thanking Everyone Who Participates in Advance

:hugs:
Kimberley

[RavenAndrea]

While I know that it is common that many therapists use the term 'gender dysphoria' (An emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease) to classify individuals like us that know we were born in the wrong gender's physical form. That is the same as saying we are screwed up mentally. Admitting you are a TG person only means you are AWARE of what your status is at that point in time - I am a female in a male's body or I am a male in in a female's body. While some of us get depressed, suffer anxiety or feel at unease because we want to be dressed and have the physical body of the other gender and either can't or the transition process is too slow, doesn't mean we are screwed up. To me, it means somebody screwed up, whether God or whoever - they gave me the wrong body.

[jill s]

Like I'm just a hollow shell and what's really inside is too scary to think about, and when my mind wanders to that place I always come away sad.

[shirley1]

Like I am living a total lie, and there is just no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Andi]

For me it's constant anxiety and depression. I hate my body and have often thought of self mutilation to force the process to begin. I know it's the cowardly way out but the mind isn't thinking straight on this matter. Wanting to be the other sex occupies my thoughts every waking moment. :sad:

[Steph Butterfield]

I knew from about 3 that there was something wrong, but I did not know what "it" was, like the bits did not fit, but I had no idea how to figure out why I felt different. At various times I would look at a girl or woman and instead of fancying her, I'd imagine being her, wearing those clothes and no-one minding at all.

This feeling grew stronger as the years past, I grew to understand that I wanted to be a girl, not just the wearing of the clothes (which I still had not done as yet), but wanted the physical body of a woman. How I was to acheive this, I had no idea, but as the years went by this feeling became too strong to ignore and in 2005, I actually went to my GP and asked to be referred for Gender Dysphoria.

Here I am now some 3 years on, approximately one year away from my operation and it feels weird that I've come this far. If I knew then in the 80's or 90's what I know now, I could have transitioned then. However, looking back, it seemed so hard to find one's path in those days, like you were trapped, little or no internet for info search, no known support groups, and an uncaring society which the media treated transsexuals like freaks, leading to the public doing the same.

It is the same today in my experience, I have been bottled, stoned, beaten up, threatened on other occassions, constantly abused and my home targetted 6 times by locals. This is one of the reasons people who want to transition put it off, as they fear it will happen to them, but if gender dysphoric like me, you simply give in to it at some point in your life, as the depressive, suicidal thoughts drive you mad, so there is only one way to end it and that is to transition.

This I am now doing, life is so so, no job, no money, not many close friends, no family, but at least I'll get my surgery and I will be complete one day, acheiving an inner peace.


Stephanie

[shirley1]

I knew from about 3 that there was something wrong, but I did not know what "it" was, like the bits did not fit, but I had no idea how to figure out why I felt different. At various times I would look at a girl or woman and instead of fancying her, I'd imagine being her, wearing those clothes and no-one minding at all.

This feeling grew stronger as the years past, I grew to understand that I wanted to be a girl, not just the wearing of the clothes (which I still had not done as yet), but wanted the physical body of a woman. How I was to acheive this, I had no idea, but as the years went by this feeling became too strong to ignore and in 2005, I actually went to my GP and asked to be referred for Gender Dysphoria.

Here I am now some 3 years on, approximately one year away from my operation and it feels weird that I've come this far. If I knew then in the 80's or 90's what I know now, I could have transitioned then. However, looking back, it seemed so hard to find one's path in those days, like you were trapped, little or no internet for info search, no known support groups, and an uncaring society which the media treated transsexuals like freaks, leading to the public doing the same.

It is the same today in my experience, I have been bottled, stoned, beaten up, threatened on other occassions, constantly abused and my home targetted 6 times by locals. This is one of the reasons people who want to transition put it off, as they fear it will happen to them, but if gender dysphoric like me, you simply give in to it at some point in your life, as the depressive, suicidal thoughts drive you mad, so there is only one way to end it and that is to transition.

This I am now doing, life is so so, no job, no money, not many close friends, no family, but at least I'll get my surgery and I will be complete one day, acheiving an inner peace.


Stephanie


Steph I hope you reported it, transphobia is a crime in Britain, I know I live there also.

You dont live on a rough council estate by any chance ?

[Empress Lainie]

before my transition on epiphany day: I always felt different from other boys and men (I don't even like to say "other" any more.

the day I transitioned to 24/7 female was like getting out of prison, or a butterfly leaving the cocoon.

That is the reason butterflies are my totem, but I always liked them anyway.

I always was fascinated with "********" and never realized that I was one. Maybe that is the reason for the fascination.

I have never been so happy in my entire 73yr life as I have been since I became a woman (even tho pre-op).

[Suzy Harrison]

I feel when I'm a guy I'm trying not to show I'm female inside..

and when out in public as a female, trying not to show that my body is male.

[Ashlynne]

A dark, frustrating and lonely place to be. No matter how honest you are with yourself, for me it's a perpetual lie meaning I'm a male that should've been female or a female that was born male. Even with full transition (srs) there's no getting away from it.

[marie rose]

It's a constant ache in my head, in my gut, in my bones. It's a feeling of longing or yearning for a long lost love. It's like my heart is always broken. It's terrible. It's torment. It's anquish.

[Valeria]

I don't remember too clearly. Obviously, it was frustrating enough that I was willing to spend a lot of money on surgery and risk family, friends, and career just to alleviate the feelings.

I do know that I never felt "trapped" in my body. My body may just be a shell, but it's the only one I've got. I never hated my body (or my life) either. It was just wrong before, in a way that is difficult to communicate to someone that hasn't felt something similar. It's my belief that cis people are mostly unaware of their gender, because the gender they have been assigned by society generally matches their mental gender/sex and their anatomical sex. When these elements (assigned gender, mental gender/sex, anatomical sex) are misaligned, that's when you become more acutely conscious of your gender (and how other people gender you when you interact with them).

Fortunately, once everything is congruent, it's possible for gender dysphoria to go away completely.

[Anna the Dub]

Before I was on hormones, it was awful. It dominated my thoughts all my waking hours, I was depressed, lonely and in a lot of pain. Pretty much sums up my life from childhood up until that point, constantly aware that I was different, hating myself, hating what I was, railing against the world because of the perceived injustice done to me by nature, and having increasingly serious thoughts about getting out. Today (on hormones for a long time, and having had an orchidectomy) it is still there but not completely dominating my life. I am able to function successfully in the workplace, home life, etc, whilst planning ahead for the day of my transition. I have accepted who and what I am and am comfortable with myself. Of course, the biggest hurdles are to come, but I am in the best shape I have ever been in in my life now.

[MJ]

for me it's not being who i believe i should have been a woman , the feeling of wanting to belong but not allowed in .. that was my fear.. until i transitioned and now i am just one of the girls .. like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders

[marie rose]

I'm not sure if the 50% rule still applies, but at one time not so long ago approximately 50% of transsexuals would take their own life because they couldn't handle the emotional pain any longer. Now that is a sad commentary on a condition in which society has very little concern or interest.

[carolinoakland]

For me my gender identity was not an issue until middle school. That's when my choices of androgynous clothing was ridiculed by school mates and family members. Then the fear of real physical danger from my step dad required me to bury those feelings. And with out understanding why, I always felt removed from the real world, that something wasn't right about the way that I could never fit in to the assigned gender role. Crossdressing became this back and forth battle between my desire to be female and the fear that if I ever told anyone that I might lose my life from a family member. It's taken many years to access those feelings of always knowing, but now that I have I am desperate with the need to get the things done to live my life as female. Just yesterday was the first time in my life that I got dressed at home and walked out my front door as Carol, the real me, I feel like my life finally has begun. It's a major step, once I get the facial hair removed I will start living 24/7 except for at work, which is the last step, right after I have my name changed legally and I get that wonderful F on my ID card. It'd be the first F I will ever get that I will be pround of. Carol

[Monica]

Hey, 2 sentences is one too many:

Since I made peace with myself and the world, I feel lucky to experience both gender.

[Sara Jessica]

Like a pallet of bricks constantly on my chest. Like a clamp squeezing my heart. The constant distraction in the mind that impacts productivity on all levels. Depression which saps my soul, sometimes falsely masked by abuse of alcohol. The only cures I've found are those times I'm pleasantly engaged with my wonderful family and of course having the chance to present as the female I am.

Having come to the realization that transition for me is very highly unlikely, I often wonder if my body will be able to take this stress into old age (I'm only 41 now). Even though I often feel like I have my head around this understanding of myself and the life I have, my heart keeps on telling me otherwise. I think the only time I will find true peace is when both are in agreement, one way or the other.

[Kimberley]

I am wondering why on an open TS forum the guys aren't posting their feelings?

Thanks to all and let's keep them coming. There are some very revealing feelings here.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Sarah...]

I feel happy with my gender dysphoria because knowing and accepting that means I now get to be me all the time, even in the wrong body.

I am Sarah and I refuse to let this issue dent my optimism.

Yep, that's my two sentences alright.:love:

[helenr]

General sadness. that might sum up my realistic viewpoint on a situation I can't realistically alter. I think that taking AAs has greatly relieved some of the stress I had from crossdressing guilt. Without fetish type self- sex in the equation, it is far more serene and I can better accept my situation. I have also wished to be rid of the nasty brats, but , again, the AAs lessen this frustration. I think also that getting older puts an added stress into the equation-that I am not going to alter my life-won't risk my workable marriage to be alone and lonely. It is bad enough to be lonely inside, I don't want outside too. That is just me. I am not judging anyone else. If someone is 75 and wants SRS, go for it!

[TxKimberly]

I feel sort of stuck between two genders as if I'm not quite male and not quite female. You could almost equate it to the plight of Tantalus

[4serrus]

It's feeling like you are fundamentally broken, and you can't ever be fixed.

It's very lonely.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's a feeling I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
Emptiness, lonliness, confusion, unbearable anxiety.
It's like breathing but not being alive.

sorry...3 sentences..
cheery eh?
well readon for the rant:devil:

i actually agree with the poster that said she doesnt like to look at dysphoria this way because really really,,,we are pretty much just regular plain old human beings ..i'm being serious....its just a gender variance,..call it whatever the heck you want...but there is simply no logical reason that anybody should give a shit about how you or i want to live...whether you call me a woman trapped in a man's body, or a "gender dysphoric" individual, i couldnt care less... i look at it this way...my brain thinks i'm a woman....of course my brain also realized that my physical biology was that of a man...so i defined myself as a man and wished and wondered and wished some more that i could be a woman...basically this really stunk from my brain's point of view so she exerted control...

the problem is that the world has simply ignored and left us behind...there arent enough of us perhaps?,,, so we are generally at odds with our society and we cause all kinds of fear and confusion, especially among uninformed people...we can shout all night and day and it wont matter

so the end of the story is that the saddest part of all this is that we have done nothing to deserve this treatment.....what is the reason for boys growing up that want to be girls are not allowed to do so? why was i not encouraged by loving parents and understanding doctors who could explain that a simple treatment of hormones could make me all better??

to me the dysphoria now feels like it was my brains final stand..being afraid and buying into society's decision that i was doing something wrong by wanting this, caused me to slowly develop a building sense of worthlessness and depression that i didnt know was possible...i felt totally worthless and most especially trapped, not because i was "mentally ill, crazy, etc", not because i was a freak..but simply because i felt there was no hope for me to become a woman and therefore no hope to ever feel alive...this is what gender dysphoria means to me...it was my survival instinct giving the rest of my body the bad news about who was really in control!!! and by accepting my true nature, and politely disagreeing with society and moving ahead with my transition it has completely eliminated my dysphoria...

by the way...the other side of that coin is that my one big problem has been replaced by LOTS of new problems, but at least it feels like i'm finally being me

hey ..at least i don't work at lehman brothers
michele

[morgan51]

I haven't felt trapped since I accepted my female side and embraced her I only feel at odds with society because of the looks and treatment I get when out in public, what a ridiculous price for just being myself. Morgan

[AmyIs]

I can best sum up how GD has felt throughout my entire life in just three words: A constant wanting.

[Dawn D.]

I don't remember too clearly. Obviously, it was frustrating enough that I was willing to spend a lot of money on surgery and risk family, friends, and career just to alleviate the feelings.

I do know that I never felt "trapped" in my body. My body may just be a shell, but it's the only one I've got. I never hated my body (or my life) either. It was just wrong before, in a way that is difficult to communicate to someone that hasn't felt something similar. It's my belief that cis people are mostly unaware of their gender, because the gender they have been assigned by society generally matches their mental gender/sex and their anatomical sex. When these elements (assigned gender, mental gender/sex, anatomical sex) are misaligned, that's when you become more acutely conscious of your gender (and how other people gender you when you interact with them).

Fortunately, once everything is congruent, it's possible for gender dysphoria to go away completely.

This is how I feel too, Kehleyr, though, I would add that I still need to get my surgery. Aside from that I feel more confident in my self since I have learned to accept me and understand me for who I am than at any point previous in my life.


Dawn

[Sara Violet]

It is the constant feeling of a unending sadness which has left me with scars on my skin and deep within my soul. I feel like I am in a prison with no bars where I am forced to walk among the free, and feel such envy that I will never be whole. Like a dead person envious of the living.

Even now after 2 yrs full time, I feel something deep inside is broken, fragments of my true identity swell up from time to time. I know, my true self I denied all those years still exists, broken, and hollow. Longing to be. Maybe some day, but scars never truly go away, do they?

[kateyliz]

It feels normal to me because I can't remember feeling any other way. Hugs, Kathy

[LaurenS.]

It's a constant struggle to try and find happiness. I don't think it's possible.

Lauren

[gracerebecka]

Lost at sea in a boat with a slow leak.
Grace