Carin
09-15-2008, 12:15 AM
Someone asked me the other day is I was "Full time". My immediate response was No!, I'm a dad with a job etc., I can't do that. But then I had to think about. I guess I am approaching full time. Not as a woman, or even full time dressing as a woman. That is not my goal or desire. But as a fluid-gendered transgendered person, yes. I am much less conscious about wearing jewellery or makeup at home and when I go out. My family understands and for the most part is comfortable with how I dress and express my Self. Some will go out with me in a fully feminine presentation. Some prefer only a subtle style. I am as happy to be called sir or Ma'am. Outside our immediate neighborhood, I am quite comfortable to be fully feminine (female presentation), or not. I have shared my marital situation (recently separated) with friends and acquaintances, and follow it quickly with 'the rest if the story' (being tg).
I am done with hiding under a rock. Not that I want to broadcast it, or push it on everyone. I do prefer a more managed gradual approach. But I have a much clearer understanding of myself, and with that I am no longer afraid to share it. All with positive reactions too.
Who am I.
My sexual identity is male. My gender identity is neither male for female. "Am I a man or a woman?" can not be answered because the question is too broad, but the closest answer is 'neither'. As I became more clear to myself, and respected myself for it, I was troubled with the lack of respect that is prevalent in our culture. Then I found information about the Native American Two Spirit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit) people. Good enough, some (cultures) gets it, and in a profoundly respectful way. There are other cultuires too that get it or did at one time.
In another post here, someone referred me to the book Gender Outlaws (http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=yyYFckiB-tkC&dq=Gender+outlaws&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=zopOvCjWBy&sig=JFhwFFT4dIWMFcZTbHdyRuw2vmw&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result), by Kate Bornstein. Well worth reading, this book articulated a lot of how I felt but was not able to articulate, even to myself. When we reject the bipolar gender system, we often feel lost in the void. I did. The comments one hears here about "Just be yourself", and "Forget about labels" did not satisfy me. They did not remove that feeling of being lost. That book removed the feeling of being lost. In the way that book describes Gender Outlaws, I fit. Not by definition of gender, or even definition of society. Just by definition of self. THAT is what I was looking for. You may not need it. I did.
This is not to say that "I have arrived". Good grief no, the journey still looms out there. I do not fear it nor need to fight it anymore. I can enjoy it, with whatever the ups and downs that will inevitably arise. Life has and will present more challenges. There is more of ME there now to deal with those.
:hugs: to you all.
I am done with hiding under a rock. Not that I want to broadcast it, or push it on everyone. I do prefer a more managed gradual approach. But I have a much clearer understanding of myself, and with that I am no longer afraid to share it. All with positive reactions too.
Who am I.
My sexual identity is male. My gender identity is neither male for female. "Am I a man or a woman?" can not be answered because the question is too broad, but the closest answer is 'neither'. As I became more clear to myself, and respected myself for it, I was troubled with the lack of respect that is prevalent in our culture. Then I found information about the Native American Two Spirit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit) people. Good enough, some (cultures) gets it, and in a profoundly respectful way. There are other cultuires too that get it or did at one time.
In another post here, someone referred me to the book Gender Outlaws (http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=yyYFckiB-tkC&dq=Gender+outlaws&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=zopOvCjWBy&sig=JFhwFFT4dIWMFcZTbHdyRuw2vmw&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result), by Kate Bornstein. Well worth reading, this book articulated a lot of how I felt but was not able to articulate, even to myself. When we reject the bipolar gender system, we often feel lost in the void. I did. The comments one hears here about "Just be yourself", and "Forget about labels" did not satisfy me. They did not remove that feeling of being lost. That book removed the feeling of being lost. In the way that book describes Gender Outlaws, I fit. Not by definition of gender, or even definition of society. Just by definition of self. THAT is what I was looking for. You may not need it. I did.
This is not to say that "I have arrived". Good grief no, the journey still looms out there. I do not fear it nor need to fight it anymore. I can enjoy it, with whatever the ups and downs that will inevitably arise. Life has and will present more challenges. There is more of ME there now to deal with those.
:hugs: to you all.