The Nightmare has started

[Roberta-Jane]

I have been posting infrequently for some time on this site.

Accepted myself in December at the age of 49.Since then the urge to dress has been overwhelming.

Lost my first marriage, child and career 20 years ago.

Have rebuilt but now all is lost again. My wife has found something (what I don't know) that has indicated my cross-dressing to her. She says that she can never trust me again (I understand that, have read too many posts from GG's, CD's not to understand that).

She knew when she married me that I cross-dressed but as the years passed I think that she thought it had gone away.

A passing comment the other day from her was 'your days are numbered' guess that means the end for us I just don't know.

We are still together in the house and at work together ( 2 girls 10and 14 as well).

I am letting the dust settle but I have got to get her to talk to me. I am not a nasty person just a bit different.

Next counselling meeting just happens to be in a weeks time, now more than desperate for this to come.

Sorry that this is rambling but I feel again that due to something that I feel is beyond my control my life is in tatters.

Any helpful comments would be more than welcome


:help:


Roberta-Jane without peace and defintely without tranquility

[celeste26]

Amongst all the chaos and anger remember that God loves you (your whole family) (we all here love you too) and with grace and mercy. An end will come of all the pain and bitterness and then you can pick up whatever pieces there are and move on with your life.

Is there anything we can do for you?

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Roberta Jane,

I'm sorry to here that things are not going well for you.Just remmember that your sisters are always here to lend a shoulder to cry on or to offer advice.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Wow, please, whatever you may be thinking or feeling; use the grrlz here as a shoulder to lean on. I know you will get support. Also, turn to your therapist if your thoughts turn dark. And best of luck! I hope you can work things out!
hugs, BIG ONES
kew

[Like2BAspen]

Cover your cute butt, carry a tape recorder at all times, don't move out of the house, don't confront or get close to her, let the councelor explain that mediating is a better way to handle it, Go for custody of the kids or it looks like you don't care, hide what ever money you can now, get notes saying you owe people money now, if you have friends that are noteries have them postdate promissory notes if you want more info pm me. Doing these things left me with the house and my children 50 % of the time. If you move out she sues you for abandonment. If you don't ask for full custody then it leaves you at a disadvantage. But always keep a daily journal and record any of her threats and yelling then You can use these things to your advantage.

[sophie/girl]

sorry to hear love i have been in the some sitution myself i have been throu 2 marriges i have had many relationships i have just broken up from one i have 3 kids one does not speak to me but i just think to myself why should anyone tell me how to live my life & stop me from doing what i love ! so i live on my own & yes it gets lonly at times but when i talk to you girls i am fine & it makes me feel great [best of all i can be a girl when i want] i dont know if this helps or not love sit - down & tell how you feel about her & about being a girl maybe she might understand
i hope this helps
love sophie

[jjjjohanne]

Every marriage can be salvaged if both parties are willing. But you have got to work. You have got to open up. Talk to her. Do it a lot. "On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you rank our marriage? What would it take to make it a 10?" Questions like that open the air about issues that need to be discussed. It is a non confrontational beginning to a good conversation. The other party in such a conversation can make it confrontational. Even if she does, you can keep your cool and respond peacefully.

I have watched Cops. I have seen abused wives stick to their husbands. Women don't want to break up. Eventually, something can happen, where something turns off in her mind about the marriage. Then, it is very tough to win her back. But even then, hope is not necessarily lost.

You speak of her as if she is way over there with her secret ideas and you are over hear with a marginal interest. You have to get back in there and be like this (fingers crossed in the air).

There is a book by Gary Chapman, I think. Its name is (something like this) The Five Love Languages. I have found his ideas to be legitimate. Some may find his description of the love languages inaccurate for them, or they may find that they would say there are more languages, etc. But the book is good. It helped our marriage.

A brief synopsis: People express their love and hear expressions of love in certain "languages." Physical touch, quality time/conversations, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation. If I for instance am prone to physical touch and words of affirmation, and my wife is acts of service, then I may hug her and tell her she is beautiful until my face is blue and she thinks it is nice, but it doesn't fill her tank. She may cook me meals and clean my room, etc, but I am left still wanting with an empty tank. If someone comes along who does the right thing, they will fill an empty tank and could eventually steal a spouse.

My nephew if a gifts person, he always is giving stuff to people. I have all kinds of his doodads. My mom is an acts of service person. My best friend from high school is a quality time person. The meanest thing you can do to him is not go to his house for a visit. My brother in law didn't fill my sister's cup and some other guy came a long. After a while, she turned her heart and now they are divorced.

The book can open your eyes to a lot of stuff that was right in front of them. Figure that woman out and the marriage might be saved! Good Luck!

[Melissa A.]

Hi Roberta Jane,

As Kew said, we're here for you for any reason you need. Don't hesitate. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, and sincerely hope you find your way successfully.

She knew before you married? I obviously don't know the details of your relationship, or if there are other problems, but would think, knowing beforehand, she would try to be a little more understanding and less plain angry. Living under someone else's rules is not the way a marriage should be. Perhaps you will need to compromise about this, especially with little ones involved, but for her to think it's got to be her way or the highway seems wrong to me.

Good luck Roberta, your'e welcome to PM if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[sarah]

Advise is something you take in and then discard what you dont need and use what you do ....My advise for what it is worth is ..Dont lean on any body or anything.because when push comes to shove its your life and your decision ..what you are is not going to change you will have your times when you think you can but you never will ...first accept (not god if there is such a person which i personally doubt)you are what you are and believe in yourself and go forward no matter the end results....remember you cant change fate you can only delay it ... :no:

[Wendy me]

as it is pretty mutch been covered i can just say in the coulcling in a non over bearing way bring up what you want to talk abought ....this might be a good way as the coulncer can bring it to a level that you can express your feelings as well as your wife can do too..... saves that yelling and fighting thing.....

[Clare]

Thank you jjjjohanne. I have ordered the book 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman - now a 10 day wait!

My wife and son left me three weeks ago and although i have recognised i'm partially to blame, i've also wondered about her reasons too. i gave her everything i possibly could - home, clothes, lifestyle, etc... I am by nature, not a touchy feely, emotional type of person, so perhaps she needed more of this type of affection?

I am very much into personality types - i use the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as my reference and i score as an INTP type - only 1-3% of population I am a future oriented person, so my wife indicating she wants close affection now is completely missed by me (not intentionaly - just by my nature).

So hopefully this book will explain to me what each of our preferences are for a loving relationship.

Christine.

[Holly]

Roberta-Jane,

I can't say I understand how you feel because I have never had to experience what you are going through. I'm certain it must be painfully unpleasnt. On thing in you post struck me as vital and that is you and her have top get to talking... and soon! We will offer all the support we possibly can. Let us know how we can help.

[DonnaT]

Have rebuilt but now all is lost again. My wife has found something (what I don't know) that has indicated my cross-dressing to her. She says that she can never trust me again (I understand that, have read too many posts from GG's, CD's not to understand that).

She knew when she married me that I cross-dressed but as the years passed I think that she thought it had gone away.


If she knew when you married, how is it a trust issue? Did you tell her you would quit?

Seems to me that there must be something else she's bothered by, and you need to find out what it is.

[JoannaDees]

Cover your cute butt, carry a tape recorder at all times, don't move out of the house, don't confront or get close to her, let the councelor explain that mediating is a better way to handle it, Go for custody of the kids or it looks like you don't care, hide what ever money you can now, get notes saying you owe people money now, if you have friends that are noteries have them postdate promissory notes if you want more info pm me. Doing these things left me with the house and my children 50 % of the time. If you move out she sues you for abandonment. If you don't ask for full custody then it leaves you at a disadvantage. But always keep a daily journal and record any of her threats and yelling then You can use these things to your advantage.

I disagree with this advice. It is underhanded. Maybe she is a bitch, we don't really know, but retain your ethics. It is, however, true about the moving out, UNLESS you begin child support payments. They cannot take your kids away unless you let them. "Going" for custody means nothing. Many that do it are doing so for spite, even when they are not capable of caring for children. Yes, you will lose money. I've done it twice, and since I make a lot, I lose a lot, but I have great relationships with my kids and hold my head high knowing I do the right thing taking the high road.

[Sweet Susan]

With all due respect, JoAnna, I believe there is some good advice in Aspen's post. I wouldn't go so far as to lie about owing money, and I agree that moving out will not constitute abandonment, but much of the rest of her advice is good, sound advice. Ethics? Well, I agree that we should always be ethical, however, ethics have little room in a divorce. A man, any man, needs to be ever watchful for his hide when in a divorce. Men of average means have no room for movement in a divorce.

On the other hand, I don't think that is the kind of advice Roberta-Jane needs at this point. While it's good to CYA, she seems to need advice about how to cope with this dillemma. If I were her, I'd seek counseling with the wife, find out how to repair it, and set about doing it. I don't think crossdressing is worth losing your family over. I've read a ton of posts over the eight months I've been on this site, and I rarely agree with everything I read. We are all not the same. For many of us crossdressing is simply sport. Claiming that it's a part of me is a stretch. It may be that way for Roberta, as well. I do it for fun, sex, and some weird drive that I don't understand, but I know I could live without it, and I could live happily without it. I just don't want to live without it. I realize that that is not for everybody. It could be, Roberta, that what you need to do is come to grips with the reality of your life and fix it. I wish you all of the luck.

[Elysia]

She knew when she married me that I cross-dressed but as the years passed I think that she thought it had gone away.

A passing comment the other day from her was 'your days are numbered' guess that means the end for us I just don't know.

Roberta-Jane, I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I’ve read about a number of similar situations in the treads here.

Frankly, I find it difficult to believe that most women would have such a profound revulsion of cross-dressing that they would abandon a marriage based on that alone. Its one thing to express dislike of it and to discourage it but it is something else altogether to regard it as an irredeemable sin. I suspect that in many cases there are plenty of other issues and that cross-dressing is simply being used as a weapon in a battle over something else. This may not be your situation, it’s obviously difficult tell from posts in an internet tread, but it’s what came to my mind. I hope things work out well for you and your family.

[Stephenie]

In my marriage it is not the only reason for stress but may by the straw that breaks the camels back. This weekend I'm going to see if I can work on some of the other issues, maybe that will help ease thing on the CD front. If our marriage fails it won't be just because of crossdressing.

[Ava Mouse]

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back rather than the one thing that started it all. Sounds like she was looking for that one last thing to either dump you or control you. In this case you have to be a man and stand up for yourself. Can't wimper out of this one, get some backbone.

Even in marriage, you can't know everything about the other spouse, they have thoughts and dreams they will never share. And you know, that's OK, we all need a little private world, too. Anyone that insists on knowing EVERY little nook and cranny of your life is looking for something to manipulate or destroy. A loving wife would respect your privacy as long as you are faithful to them in marriage, and not doing anything illegal or dammaging to ourselves or others...

Stand firm...

My mother was a 'mommie dearest' kinda woman, always manipulating people and saying things like "your days are numbered". There's hatred in those words, anger, bitterness... Maybe from her father or another man in her past... either way, she's got issues, too. Secure women don't behave like that... watch your back, too.

I'll pray for you...

[Roberta-Jane]

I posted this thread at a very bleak time.

Since then things have moved on a lot.

My wife and I are very much still together and working together for a future together. It will be a rocky road for sure but we are committed to making it work.

Some of you I know, had the best intentions with your replies,and for that I thank you.

However, I cannot condone or accept the nasty, vicious, horrible suggestions of one poster. How can hiding money etc help the situation? I would rather have walked away penniless than go down that deceitful line.

Many posters in the threads on this site are selfish. Yes SELFISH. I have a different point of view now. A lot of CDs expect our wives and SOs to just accept us as if it were the most natural thing to do.

Well, they have done nothing wrong and yet they find themselves having to deal with what to many of us if the roles were reversed we would not be able to accept..

Put yourselves in their shoes. Most men in my experience have dual standards. They are allowed to play the field but woe betide the woman who does the same thing.

Just remember, they married a MAN. Think yourself lucky if they even consider trying to understand. What would you honestly say if they suddenly said to you "I want to become a man". Most of us I suspect would run a mile.

Anyway sorry for the rant but I have had to have time away from this site. My wife is trying to understand and has joined some GG forums but the GGs that she needs to speak to are unfortunately those that would not be reading this site.

I just wanted to make the point that most of the time wives/SOs are entitled to be selfish.


Regards

Roberta-Jane

[Julie York]

This is quite an old thread. Or it was started a few months ago......What you don't know Roberta is that (metaphorically) several people were dragged out of their houses and beaten senseless in a back alley as a consequence of what they posted here.

So maybe you should sit back and relax now.

Good luck btw..

[liz lesbow]

look up my profile and see the threads I have posted. I am just going through the "I told my wife" phase after 32 years of hiding. (yes I am good at it . so good I cought myself) If you have a relationship that is strong then all will be good. Read them they are real.

[Stephenie]

Roberta, Many of the girls here have been through some very painful relationships with GGs that are not as wonderful as your wife. They still have not gotten past the pain and hurt that was inflected on them. Please try and forgive them if they offended you.

I'm sure that they were only trying to help you in a situation that they could only see through what they went through.. I am also sure that these same girls are happy that your story has a better ending then thiers did.

Stick around and you will see that we do care and are nice people.

[Dixie Darling]

Roberta Jane,

SInce your wife is "internet literate" and is looking for serious answers to the serious questions/concerns she apparently has, I invite you to send her over to my web site. There's a lot of no-nonsense information there that could provide her with some of the information she's looking for.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Well as far as i can see it, you're not the one with a problem. You love your partner, children as much as the next man could. Your wife assuming you would give up crossdressing was wishfull thinking on her part, again her problem not yours. Right now she might very well be angry at you, and partly at herself so you should not soley shoulder the blame. In fact you shouldn't shoulder any self imposed blame even if she feels that she has to. You know who and what you are and you to some degree have realised and discovered yourself. Your wife however might not be so understanding right now, though give her time (a great healer!) and if your wife has any love for you, which i am sure she has, she will come round. It will take time, it will take faith. She has feelings as you do, be patient and I personally think that if you keep a cool head she'll respect you for giving her space. Then let love take care of the rest. Just hold the faith, keep patient, give her space and I am sure things will come out more prosperous and hopeful for the both of you.. I hope and pray they do for you..


Best Wishes


Melissa

[Sally2005]

If you want to work things out. How about asking your wife for help to resolve the things she has a problem with. For example, if she doesn't like you wearing pink around the house ask her what shade of purple will be better :)

You could ask her to take some ownership for making things work out and then make an honest attempt to make it better for her. If she wants too much all at once, say, I want to do it all, but its too much, can we try small steps first? Tell her you value her opinion. Don't give in to all of her list of demands, tell her what you know you can do and ask her for help to do it. Demstrate success one small step at a time and keep reminding her of the improvements.

All the best.

[Darlene.]

Roberta Jane,

I thought you posted looking for some help. Tell me…when you did that did you expect that everyone would say something that would please you?

Is there some reason that you simply can not take what you find beneficial and leave the rest? I too do not agree with the author that upset you, but that does give me the right to indulge in character assignation.

Your days are numbered are fighting words. If anyone that I was involved with said that to me I would get my sorry ass out of there. As another poster said: Secure women don't behave like that...

I will add to that if they are not secure then they are using you. And if you are attracted to that kind of thing then you are a willing floor mat.

As another poster said some of us girls have been through more than you and as a result have had to learn some very hard lessons.

And what we offer may not be something you are able to use, but it was offered in hope that it may help.

It is sad to see you alienate yourself like this.

Darlene.

[Roberta-Jane]

Thanks to all the words of encouragement. Haven't wanted to spend much time on this site since the finding out.

We are working things out together.

Sometimes rocky but most of the time life is good. How I love my wife for her efforts to understand. This is not easy for her as she wishes it would just go away. But she is researching and looking for help and answers.

What more can I ask.

Peace and tranquility


Roberta-Jane