Dangerous behavior

[helenr]

I am not sure if this post belongs in this section, but I have read remarks about some wondering what it would be like to ''be with a man". I think that many of us weave together our attraction to crossdressing with some mental role playing. This is basically harmless in a certain sense. We have this urge, it has to be dealt with, no one is being physically harmed. I am sure wives of crossdressers might challenge the definition of 'harmed'.
What I write about is how brutal situations can become when one is 'found' to be crossdressing. An 18 year old potential SRS individual was beaten to death by an irate 30 year old male who 'snapped' as was his defense. This was prompted by his discovery that this young lassie was male.
I am not qualified to begin to know how such drastic behavior could erupt, but I think that any fooling around is made at great personal risk. It might be fun to pretend to be a female in the conventional sexual role, but please keep it strictly in your mind.
Sorry for such a depressing post, but it has been on my mind today -occurred here in Colorado -and I think there is a lesson to be learned. best, helenr

[Sandra Dunn]

Hi Sis, I can't help but wonder about the 18 year old. To many times our young people do not use , shall we say good judgement. I'm not trying to ratioalize the attacker, he should get the death penilty for the hate crime he committed. I have seen and heard of many young persons going on line and meeting men without ever saying anything about their TG, this shows a lack of honesty. I understand and believe we shouild be accepted for who we are. Still the people these young sisters are meeting need to know who they are meeting. I know these young sisters are desparate to be accepted as the young women they are. We need to encourage them to be honest up front. How many times have we heard of a couple breaking up after the spouse finds out, after years of marriage, about the TG issues? The number one reason for the break up is the fact that the spouse was not honest about the TG issue and yes for the TG person they ressisted that fact themselves for some time until they could no longer hold it back.
I agree with you about being safe when concidering a romantic encounter.
HUGS Sandra

[Sophie_C]

I am not sure if this post belongs in this section, but I have read remarks about some wondering what it would be like to ''be with a man". I think that many of us weave together our attraction to crossdressing with some mental role playing. This is basically harmless in a certain sense. We have this urge, it has to be dealt with, no one is being physically harmed. I am sure wives of crossdressers might challenge the definition of 'harmed'.
What I write about is how brutal situations can become when one is 'found' to be crossdressing. An 18 year old potential SRS individual was beaten to death by an irate 30 year old male who 'snapped' as was his defense. This was prompted by his discovery that this young lassie was male.
I am not qualified to begin to know how such drastic behavior could erupt, but I think that any fooling around is made at great personal risk. It might be fun to pretend to be a female in the conventional sexual role, but please keep it strictly in your mind.
Sorry for such a depressing post, but it has been on my mind today -occurred here in Colorado -and I think there is a lesson to be learned. best, helenr

This is why there is a day for "remembering our dead."

Essentially what exists for TGs is the gay 'twinkie defense', alive and well in 2008.

99% of those guys who were 'shocked' because they were 'with a man' were not 'shocked' at all. They knew what they were doing, had sex, couldn't deal with it afterwards, and then committed murder. And, in the rare, rare case that the girl was so incredibly passable that they did not know, it's still murder.

There really needs to be some sort of high-level court action to make this argument placing the blame of murder on the person killed as an inadmissible excuse, but then again, TG/TS rights are today at the same place gay rights were in 1970.

[cd_britney_426]

These stories are quite horrible and it is a reminder for other TGs to utilize sound judgment at all times. Every person has different desires and ways of doing things and I can only speak from my experiences. However, too many times I have witnessed other TGs making decisions that severely compromise their personal safety. Here are some tips from my experiences:

For some background information, I usually date men but also women and other TGs including TSs.

1. I do not meet people online. There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that you don't know that the person is who they say they are. They are hiding behind a screen name just as you are and the second you do meet, both of you are no longer anonymous. Should there be a problem, you may have to deal with cyber-stalking as many people may now know who is behind the screen name. Second, there are no "eyes" behind the meetup. Should you meet with this person at his house or yours or even in a public place (to start with anyway), nobody knows you are there, nobody knows who he is, and nobody knows the situation. Inviting a friend defeats the purpose if the reason you are meeting is a mere hookup and as much as the friend will be there for your safety, that can detract from a meaningful encounter should the person actually be normal. I don't think online dating is a good way of doing things. I live in a very large city and if making friends or picking up dates has to take place in a dark room at a computer console, that is pretty sad. It is healthier to go out and meet people who are already out and about in the "real" world.

2. Bars and nightclubs are an interesting but tricky place to meet people. This is where I personally find the most dates but I do so cautiously. First, get used to the nightclub by going there for quite some time before actually picking someone up. Get your friends familiar with the place as well and try to get on good terms with the club management and staff. By becoming a familiar face in the environment, you reduce the risk of being victimized because you are well known enough that people are looking out for you. Second, avoid getting drunk. A few drinks is enough to get most people buzzed and feeling good without being completely out of control. Having half a dozen or more drinks is a sure way to compromise your safety because you are not thinking clearly or aware of your environment. Third, be financially in control of yourself. That means you have a cell phone on you that you can call someone with, you have a car parked outside you can get in and drive away if you need to, and you have enough cash on you to get a taxi if necessary. Fourth, when you are considering leaving with someone, find out behind the scenes who this person is. Are they also a regular at the club? Do they have an established reputation with the management and staff? Have you and other people seen the person before and do reputable people know the person and that he is trustworthy? Fifth, do not EVER get in the person's vehicle. You have lost all control at this point. Likewise, I don't recommend allowing the person in your vehicle either. Agree to meet up at each other's places in separate vehicles. That gives you easy access to leave or make them leave when necessary.

3. There are pros and cons to going to "your place" or "his place." Regardless, have a basic action plan in mind. If it is your place, you know the territory, you know the neighbors, and likewise you have to be able to make the person leave when necessary. If it is his place, realize that you are going to a new environment. Take mental notes of the quality of the neighborhood, the quality of the house or apartment, locate all nearby exits, beware of unusual behavioral changes in the person when you have arrived, treat it as a red flag if there are unexpected guests at the place, and be prepared to use any learned self-defense techniques if needed.

4. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. We might not be the best crossdressers and don't believe we are even close to passable. Regardless, you may pass as a girl very well to others even though you don't think so. It is worth remembering that people see what they look for. Most people don't go around looking for transgendered people and therefore won't even notice that the "woman" in front of them in line is actually not a GG. Misleading a man into thinking you are a girl so that you can have sex is incredibly stupid and ethically wrong as well. How would you feel if you were the man and you had been duped by your date? That is sure way to get the man incredibly upset and angry and rightfully so because he had basically been lied to on a huge level. Obviously, that does not justify violence of any kind but don't put yourself in that situation in the first place. The more open you are up front with people will likely make your experiences much safer and healthier.

It is a shame we live in a world like this but without knowing and utilizing basic survival skills, you risk becoming another statistic. Britney

[windycissy]

Britney,

That is excellent advice and you have done a great service. My only point of departure is to say that I have enjoyed some success hooking up with guys via the Internet, but only after (1) I tell them about me and what I'm after (2) I grill them about themselves (3) we exchange photographs and I like what I see and (4) we've had a chat on the phone. Only then, if the vibe is totally right, will I agree to meet him in a safe place....

Cissy

[Jess_cd32]

If any choose to be w/ a man that is up to them but picking a straight guy and then springing a surprise like that on him just before/during sex is wrong. It's no reason to kill someone but no one should pull that on anyone. There seems to be plenty of guys that like cd's/tv/ts , that's were they should be looking, then this most likely won't happen unless the persons psycho.

[jennylogan]

When I was young, stupid, incredibly confused about my sexuality, and single I had my share of romantic dalliances with men. Looking back I was unbelievably fortunate I not only was never physically asaulted to the point where I needed medical help but I dodged the AIDS bullet as well. When I was active in the gay club scene AIDS was still several years away and I was out of that environment when it cut such a huge swath through the community. All I can say is there but for the grace of God was I and thank God I met the woman who would become my wife when I did.
If I had to give advice to any MtoF cder it would be that these days you are playing with fire by dating men, especially in club settings that are unfamiliar to you. Take your time, use your common sense and take precautions. Men who are attracted to men like us tend to have major issues regarding their true sexuality. More often than not when they engage in sexual relations with a cd they need liquid or chemical courage to go through with the act and the post coital cigarette or the morning sun can really spark an outrage in them It happened to me several times even though I thought I knew the guy. Simply put it was my fault they did this and I was going to pay.
I can't say it enough, ladies be very very careful.

[MsJanessa]

If any choose to be w/ a man that is up to them but picking a straight guy and then springing a surprise like that on him just before/during sex is wrong. It's no reason to kill someone but no one should pull that on anyone. There seems to be plenty of guys that like cd's/tv/ts , that's were they should be looking, then this most likely won't happen unless the persons psycho.

Like the poster above said--its rarely, if ever, a suprise---they know they are with a TG but for some sicko reasons of their own want to hurt her. The defense that they didn't know is something they invent after they are caught.

[cd_britney_426]

Men who are attracted to men like us tend to have major issues regarding their true sexuality. More often than not when they engage in sexual relations with a cd they need liquid or chemical courage to go through with the act and the post coital cigarette or the morning sun can really spark an outrage in them It happened to me several times even though I thought I knew the guy. Simply put it was my fault they did this and I was going to pay.
I can't say it enough, ladies be very very careful.

I'm not sure I agree with this but everyone's experiences are different. It is not uncommon for men to also be attracted to TG people. Sexuality is very diverse and for many it is not just black and white. I would agree that a lot of people in general do have "major issues" with sexuality regardless of whether they are straight, bi, gay, interested in TGs, etc. Part of that problem may be our culture for those of us who live in the U.S. I am personally attracted to TGs as well as men and women as I am bisexual but I have accepted my sexuality without trying to hide that part of me.

There is a hidden danger that I believe you are referring to that I would like to elaborate on. There are a number of straight men who are very uncomfortable with their sexuality and/or with their relationships with their current spouses. These people consider themselves straight but have this occasional inclination to want to "try it" with a man or a TG. They are already having severe problems with their home and family life, perhaps their job and finances, and may also have a drinking and drug problem. So they drop into a gay bar known to have a lot of TSs and TGs. They get drunk which lowers their inhibitions and then they go out with a TS or a CD and have sex. The next morning when the alcohol wears off they panic, realizing that they have "sinned," consider the T-girl they have just "done" to be an evil person who "seduced" them and "caused" them to lose their masculinity and straightness, and the next thing on their mind is the risk of the wife and kids finding out because now somebody knows their dirty little secret. Should the person have severe stress, depression, and other mental health issues to begin with, they might go over the edge, and kill the T-girl to cover up the evidence. It is sad that we live in a world with so many sicko individuals but for those of us who do have our heads screwed on right, we must be extremely careful.

[cd_britney_426]

Here are a few examples of very poor street smarts I have witnessed with other TGs:

1. Stand on the street corner flagging down vehicles
2. Leave with someone they just met by getting in that person's vehicle
3. Heavily intoxicated
4. Flash large amounts of money, jewelry, and other valuables around or otherwise make themselves appear unusually well-to-do financially
5. Leave beverages unattended
6. Completely unarmed and have no self-defense plan of any kind
7. Have no money, no vehicle, no phone, and no idea how they are going to get home
8. Fall asleep in a public place such as the ground of a parking lot, bus stop, etc. with a purse and other valuables in plain sight
9. Unnecessarily engage themselves in verbal arguments and physical fights that could have been easily avoided
10. Surround themselves with criminals and participate in crimes such as prostitution and ripping off their clients, drug dealing and ripping off their customers, and having the majority of their income derived from illegal sources
11. Carrying weapons and displaying them in an illegal, offensive, and incompetent manner
12. Frequently in trouble with the law and endlessly have some sort of drama going on

Don't let this be you! I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here but I have seen far too much of this stuff that even I'm concerned that something may happen to someone I know because they frequently exhibit such poor street smarts or otherwise live a high-risk lifestyle.

[Alyssa82]

im probably oversimplifying, but id say honesty is the best policy

[Karren H]

Well personally I don't lead anyone on and I'd say most people know I am a crossdresser when I'm out enfemme.... So I treat them whigh respect and am friendly and they do the same to me..... and I have never had a problem but i'm not stupid enough to put myself in harms way on purpose so I pick my venues carefully.... Fun is fun but safety trumps everything else... imho...

[susie evans]

KARREN VERY WELL SAID

:love: susie