Dealing With HATRED on Dating Sites....

[Roberta Llyan]

This past month or so, I have been dealing with a tremendous anount of HATRED on dating sites such as OKCupid. It would amaze you how much people express their hatred on this site in particular. Simply because I am a male in anatomy and a female in gender. Simply because I am true to myself and present myself as a TG/CD.

Men do not want to date because I'm not a "woman." Women do not want to date because they think me a "freak show."

Have any of you experienced such behaviour as well? If so, how did you handle it? How have you sought to find others who will date you? What techniques and advise are you able to offer on how to find dates?

Please allow me to THANK YOU in advance for your suggestions and advise. :love:


_____________

PS--If this is the incorrect catagory, please feel free to adjust/move. Thanks

[Dita_B]

I don't pay much attention to the online dating sites because I have guys coming after me all the time, especially when I am out and about. Even during an ordinary shopping trip. They invite me for coffee, or hand me business cards and/or notes and ask me to call them...

But frankly, not many of my dates really worked out so far. When push come to shove, they had all kind of silly excuses for not showing up on the last possible moment. I had a few that showed up, but some were clearly after some quicky on a parking lot, and I am just not the type for that kind of thing. So that kite didn't fly for them...

I am on several on line sites, but I have never encountered any disrespect, let alone hatred. What I did find is many talkers but no doers... They all dream, but don't seem to have the courage to follow through.

But, if I would find hatred or even the wrong attitude, I would turn my back on that site so fast that their head would spin... to never come back!

:love:Dita.

[suzy cool]

How are you presenting yourself on the website? From your own description above I am confused who you are actually looking for and maybe that is coming across to others. There's a contradiction between your "woman inside" standpoint and "not a woman".
Also, I would think the general population has a very hazy idea of the subject so they will immediately opt to see you as some sort of 'pervert' and not look any further.
A straight dating website might not be the best place to start looking for a straight woman who wants to date......a woman? Man who thinks he's a woman?
You see the problem?
As to dealing with hatred..as long as you keep your cool it's a great opportunity to put people right about the subject.

[Roberta Llyan]

How are you presenting yourself on the website?
As to dealing with hatred..as long as you keep your cool it's a great opportunity to put people right about the subject.

I've presented myself as a male in sex, female in gender, cd and a transgender MTF. A few of the younger GG's are accepting but not dating age, etc. And an even fewer amount of the males, some who are a bit older, accept me for just who I am and don't say one way or the other. But the majority of men HATE my guts. And some of the GG's have expressed the same sensation.

Yes, I do understand what you are saying and appreciate you comments.

Also, yes, it is a "straight" dating site. But there are many bisexuals which is also how I list myself since they do not offer TG/TV/CD. But it is stated in my profile that I am TG/CD and my photos there are all wearing femme.

I've tried some of the alternative sites too but all I get there is people seeking sex. And while I can appreciate and enjoy sex I am preferring to find a friend FIRST and that doesn't go over.

Thank you both for your comments so far. I appreciate you and what you offer.

[sterling12]

You used the term "HATRED." But, you really haven't indicated what exactly the hatred is.

The fact that guys and gals don't want to date you isn't "HATRED!" The fact that you don't fit into their gender perceptions isn't "HATRED." If there isn't anything more than the examples you wrote about; you don't have HATRED...you have SELECTION.

The Dating Process is usually a "whittling down" sort of thing. Most people seem to know a lot more about what they don't want, rather than what they want. Because of ignorance, mis-information, differences in general, they have not selected you.

Please don't take it to heart, you can't do anything about it anyway. Move on with your life, and actively look for that "right person." As they say in The Car Business, "There's a butt for every seat." You just haven't found your Butt yet.

Oh, and try some different things besides Internet Dating. Something like "face to face encounters" might just be a good idea. I know it's old-fashioned but who knows....it might just work!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Roberta Llyan]

You used the term "HATRED." But, you really haven't indicated what exactly the hatred is.
Peace and Love, Joanie

Here are some examples:

"****ing dog turd in the tire tread of society! Somebody in the Abilene area with a gun for hire?"

"somebody better talk some sense into that ****ing sticky residue in the used condom of life THING.......I don't want it to affect anyone else."

"Do the World a Favor! BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT and put yourself out of your misery"

"so just Shut The **** Up roberta we don't want hear the bigoted crap you spout"

Dare I list more for you to understand the word "HATRED!"

[Alicia_lynn419]

I'm on several site, OKC, POF and Myspace.. I do get the occasional less-than-glad-to meet-you emails... most if the time I get no reply at all... But once in a while I meet some truly wonderful people, and have made some outstanding RT friends.

If you want, contact me and I will share my on-line profiles with you.. I'm always tweaking the verbiage, but I think the presentation is the biggest thing. Also, if you are making first contact, you may need to be more discriminating about who you write. Some profiles I read I feel right away that there would be no acceptance... sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong... But keep this in mind... If you come across someone who can not accept you for who you are, then they don't need to be in your life anyway. Let fools suffer ignorance, and move on....

[Kayla Shadows]

I have not been on dates sites but I was on a regular one where people are always looking for something.I was only there because friends are there and Ive heard it all.Just random messages from guys saying "freak","faggot","Im going to kill you","you should just die".Then there are the girls with "youll never be a woman","your disgusting" and whatever else they seem to need to fill their time with.I pay no mind to it.I see who they are and Im just happy Im not them.They are not even worth a response.

Not much for advice here.If you want,just get out there to some tg friendly places or look at different sites.Be yourself,forget about the haters and dont stop trying.

[Roberta Llyan]

Greetings:

I have followed the advise of you who have suggested I leave OKCupid. I have deleted my profile there. I do not have the time nor the patience nor the energy to fight the hatred and cruelty of the bigots in the world.

I thank all of you for your advise and comments. I appreciate it and, should some have something else to add, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Until then, have a beautiful day.

Hugs :hugs:

[Carroll]

Sweety, dating sites are the lazy way of finding a person, and the easy way to get yourself hurt big time. Stick with the old fashion way and go shopping for food :) Or in my case take your kid to a fast food place and, with no prompting, announce to everybody your looking for a girlfriend.

[Beth785]

This sis the problem with the anonymity of the internet. Someone would never say anything face to face, turns vile when they can hide behind a computer. This is anywhere from dating sites, social networking sites, even internet forums on hobbies and dare I say even this site. These are normal people that take their pot shots at the only thing they feel they can get away with. They are just scared of things they don't understand and choose to attack it rather than to learn about it. I can't offer any advice, just the fact that you are not alone in all of this.

[suzy cool]

Sweety, dating sites are the lazy way of finding a person, and the easy way to get yourself hurt big time. Stick with the old fashion way and go shopping for food :) Or in my case take your kid to a fast food place and, with no prompting, announce to everybody your looking for a girlfriend.

Burger fries and big coke...you wanna girlfriend wi that?

[Niya W]

One thing you got to remember about the Internet is people will often say things online that wont say in the real world . I would left along time ago. Not going to hang around were i'm not wanted or have to put up with crap.

[CD Susan]

Roberta, I have my profile listed on several cd/tg/ts dating sites in hopes of finding that one special friend that I seek. I have been unsuccessful so far but have not encountered the hatred that you speak of. Rather my experience has been one of deception. My profile states that I am a single cd looking for the same for friendship. The vast majority of the messages I recieve are from married men wanting to have sex with a tgirl behind thier wife's back. This sort of response disgusts me! I do not want these types of offers but they nontheless arrive in my inbox regularly. I recently met with a supposedly cd that I met online. All this guy wanted was a quicky and then to go home to his wife. The picture he sent me was not even one of himself. What a dissappointment this meeting was. I specifically state in my profiles singles only but all I seem to get is married men looking for some action. I wish you better luck in your search than what I have experienced. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places.

[sterling12]

Hi Roberta:

I'll accept that those are hateful statements. They are nasty and rude, and undeserved. NOBODY has the right to say hateful things like that about someone else on a website. Telling someone to go commit suicide is a very un-nice thing to do. The others are right, take yourself away from there! And, stay out of places that might be similar.

But, it might be true that they don't like you, I'll accept that. But The "HATRED" I thought you were writing about, was thought to be involved with TRANSGENDER HATRED. I didn't see an example of "I hate you and I want to kill you, cause' your TG!" To me, that's "HATRED!" Now probably you got some posts like that, but you just didn't show one as an example.

Doesn't that site have any moderator's? My gosh, can't believe they allow personal attacks like that! Do they do that sort of thing to others? I'd hate to be a plain woman and put my pic up on that site.....could be brutal!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Vivian Best]

To me the simple solution to the problem with that site is to not go there. There must be others that do not treat you that way. Good luck finding what you want.

[MJ]

simple i just don't date don't care for it right now

[Nicki B]

Somebody in the Abilene area with a gun for hire?"

"Do the World a Favor! BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT and put yourself out of your misery"

Those sorts of messages need reporting to the site owners?


"so just Shut The **** Up roberta we don't want hear the bigoted crap you spout"

What have you said, that might be seen as bigoted? :strugglin

[Alice Torn]

I have had ads on several alternative sites, and all the responses, are men, vast majority married, and all want sex, the first date, so, I simply have been very cautious, and met nobody yet. i prefer to meet a gg, but they are very cautious, like me, and don' trust, won't meet! What a tpsy-turvy,brutal, loveless world, for lonely single men, especially cd singles! Be careful trying to meet someone in public, too, like in a store. Managers may tell you to leave. Sadly, it is a fearful society, where loners, and strangers, like some of us singles, don't have much chance, to meet a right gg.

[Jemanda]

Personally I would have reported those posts to the moderator/owner of the website, those people are just revealing their true colours anyway. Good luck in your quest...

[docrobbysherry]

But The "HATRED" I thought you were writing about, was thought to be involved with TRANSGENDER HATRED. I didn't see an example of "I hate you and I want to kill you, cause' your TG!" To me, that's "HATRED!" Now probably you got some posts like that, but you just didn't show one as an example.
Peace and Love, Joanie

Joanie,
I've been active as a CD on this site for about a year. And I'm STILL not sure what the term, "transgendered", clearly means! So, how could anyone in the general public have any clue? If they can't understand a TG, how can they "hate" one? It's like someone saying they hate blacks, without ever seeing/meeting one! Is that really hate, or just ignorance?
I think anyone who communicates with an uninformed person, and calls themselves, "transgendered", should explain what that means immediately. To avoid any misunderstandings!:)


I have had ads on several alternative sites, and all the responses, are men, vast majority married, and all want sex, the first date, so, I simply have been very cautious, and met nobody yet. i prefer to meet a gg, but they are very cautious, like me, and don' trust, won't meet! What a tpsy-turvy,brutal, loveless world, for lonely single men, especially cd singles! Be careful trying to meet someone in public, too, like in a store. Managers may tell you to leave. Sadly, it is a fearful society, where loners, and strangers, like some of us singles, don't have much chance, to meet a right gg.

I've had a number of GGs contact me on conventional internet dating sites. I represent as a straight 60 y/o male. As soon as I reply and want to share phone numbers, or discuss meeting for coffee, they disappear! This is WITH NO MENTION BY ME OF CDING!:eek:

[fluffy_kingston]

I would definetely report it to the site management.

You might also try a dating site geared specifically towards transgendered girls. There are many.

[Roberta Llyan]

I would like to THANK everyone of you for your kind words and wise advise. I have left OKCupid completely. The mod's here have been kind enough to allow me to post a request on the "meet" thread. So I am hoping this will inspire someone close to contact me and we can go from there.

My age is such that sex is no longer a concern for me. What I mostly want is a FRIEND--one with whom we can hang out together and do things together like girls do. Lunch, shop at the mall, theater, symphony, home parties, etc. Right now in my life that would be far greater than any sex. *winks*

Again, thank you each and every one. I appreciate your friendship.

Hugs.... :hugs:

Have a beautiful day.

[Alice Torn]

If we were in the same area, I would be pleased to go to the symphony together dressed nicely, lunch. Lucille

[Roberta Llyan]

If we were in the same area, I would be pleased to go to the symphony together dressed nicely, lunch. Lucille

Way too MANY MILES between here and Washington. I know...I flew up to Washington a few years ago and back. That's almost clear around the world. hehehe

Thank you though. That is very sweet of you to say so. I would enjoy visiting with you, I'm sure.

Have a beautiful day.

Hugs :hugs: