To be or not to be

[Kate Simmons]

RS's thread about The Borg got me thinking. While we are somewhat like a "collective" here and we do share common ideas and goals, we are nonetheless individuals who have self determination, hopefully we are anyway. I realize we have much to gain by coming here and sharing, not the least of which is understanding. I sometimes question the purpose for doing so, however, at least I did with myself.

While it is nice to have a listening ear and to compare notes, it's also risky sometimes when we get into the "pink fog" and logic can sometimes fall by the wayside. Many will say they don't know why they do this they just enjoy it and who really cares anyway since it makes us feel so good about ourselves, especially when we openly express it. There is really no substitute for the actual experience and sometime we just need to get it off "paper" and follow through.

Even so, it makes a thinking person wonder what it is all about because this "force" can tend to lead us around if we allow it to, not necessarily always to our benefit. It behooves me anyway to at least try to understand the motivation that drives the need. What I have determined it is about feelings and really being in touch with them and not being ashamed or afraid of them. The outworking of those feelings leads to a rather demonstrative way of expressing them such as crossdressing, fantasies and what have you. What does this mean for us personally though?

This is where individuality and self determination really comes into play. Most of us do not want to be cast in the "mold" that society puts us in because we were born male because there are certain "expectations" of how we should act because of that just as there are "expectations" of how one who is a FAB should. Most of us here, males and females alike know that is all so much nonsense and BS, especially the folks on this site. The ingrained fear of how others will react can cause problems though. Many, including myself, have risked everything because they did not have enough confidence in the capacity of their SO for understanding and compassion. Sometimes you have to take a chance, however, because much is on the line and at stake if we continue to go it alone.

The real issue is self understanding and realizing why we have these feelings to begin with. The important thing is not fulfilling some kind of idealized "standard" set up by society or anyone else because really we sell ourselves short when we do that. The important thing is to understand yourself, be yourself and be true to that self whoever that "self" happens to be and regardless of how we choose to express it. Yes, we are a "collective" in a sense but we are not The Borg per se because individuality and self determination are important.:)

[Nadia-Maria]

And so ... what ?

Hugs

Nadia

[docrobbysherry]

I have a long way to go in discovering the "why" and "where" I belong in the CD world. However, I've only been here about a year. So, maybe I'm where I need to be!

As far as the public's view of CDs, etc.;
Someone once said, " No one ever went broke under estimating the taste of American's".
I think u mite switch the word "ignorance" for "taste", and it would still read correctly!:sad:

[Kate Simmons]

And so ... what ?

Hugs

NadiaLOL. good one Nadia. And so the focus should be on being a person rather than a "thing" (male, female, CD, TG or whatever). It's okay to try to promote understanding but we kind of lose our sense of self if we become a "poster child" for transgender things by pushing the agenda. The idea in my mind is to just be a person, no more or less regardless of our particular persuasion.:)

[Nadia-Maria]

The idea in my mind is to just be a person, no more or less regardless of our particular persuasion.:)

You are certainly right to promote the very sense of being a person, and not a mere thing or label.
It is a first step. Yet even being a person, and considered as a person, may not be enough.

For instance, my SO obviously understands me being a person and won't hear anything of me called a "TV" or a "TG". If I would refer to myself as a "trannie", she wouldn't even understand what I mean. For her, I am her man, her masculine male, and can be nothing else. Of course, as a man I may have a few weirds hobbies such as either watching the artificial satellites in the evening, or looking for prehistoric human worked stones in the country, or liking to "disguise" myself such as a mere theatre actor.

Regards

Nadia

[Kate Simmons]

Well, I know that we both understand the concept Nadia and we both have a pretty good idea of who we are. Many do not, however, and the idea was to stimulate thinking. It can be somewhat of a strange concept to some to think of ourselves as an overall person, especially with all the "exposure" here about the drive to become "feminine". It can be accomplished regardless of physical mode and the practical lesson to me is learning how to utilize that. In short, I do not think we "lower" ourselves by feeling feminine. Quite the opposite really, we expand our outlook and our horizons and are able to consider things from different aspects.

Who we are is no accident really (despite all the psycho babble and pre-birth theories). The main thing is to realize that, accept that and move forward. If we want to really be accepted as a community and individually, we need to be a person first and show what we are really made of and just how serious we are about all of this. Then it becomes a viable issue rather than just wishful thinking.;):)

[gagirl1]

Arianna, every question you have raised in your original post has been on my mind as of late. From the 'why' questions to the ones about how it affects others. Such a wonderful post. I'm going to reread it again and start seriously thinking about how far I should go with this, and if it's worth the pain. It's very easy to get caught up in this forum. So many good people, and so much love, I don't want to go. Unfortunately, it's not daily life. It's an internet site. Even though I completely love this place (and calling it a place is just another affirmation of how important this website is), I need to get out and actually live my life. Great post, Arianna. Simply great.

[melissacd]

As I have lived through the past (almost) 9 months in a place where I can dress as I please I find that contrary to what others have told me, the experience has not worn off. If anything I have become more comfortable in my skin, my form of dress in male mode has transformed so completely as to look like a feminized version of a male while still remaining clearly male. I have gained so much confidence in dressing femme and when not dressed femme, being able to express myself in a way that is truer to who I am.

I am not looking for the why's and wherefore's anymore. I am testing and checking to see on any given day that I am being consistent with what feels like me. What I am finding is that I am far more fluid and creative than I ever thought that I was. In my previous life before coming out I was ultra conservative in most of how I lived and I realize now that that was because I was using every ounce of my strength to hold back who I really am. Now I still exhibit restraint in context of certain situations, but far less of what you see when you meet me is a facade. As I allow myself to drift towards the real me I feel that I am becoming more and more authentic, no hidden agenda, no skulking in the closet. It gets easier everyday to be me and I am much happier for it. The cost was high for sure, but the pay off has been extraordinary.

So much of the baggage that gets carried around in life, be it physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual, in my humble opinion comes from trying to control or explain things rather than just accepting things for the way they are. I am now focussing on just being rather than trying to be. I trust that intrinsically I will know what to do next.

Thanks for a great thread.

Huggs
Melissa

[Karren H]

Why isn't a question I've ever really asked myself... For me at least trying to find that out is wasted effort.. Because even if I knew why, it wouldn't change the fact that I like to do what I like to do.. and it wouldn't change anything iin my life going forward..

So I accept myself for who I am... And I'm having the time of my life.... Lives... :)

[Kate Simmons]

Thank you for your input my friends. None of us have all the answers which why it's great to discuss things. By my very nature, I'm a questioning person and I constantly challenge myself and my reasons for doing things. Melissa saw that when she visited me this past Spring.The truely most important thing is knowing ourselves, what works for us and what makes us happy. Getting in touch with our real feelings and understanding them is the beginning of true freedom. Then it clearly becomes a choice rather than a compulsion and we become free of all the convention and the drama. Simply being myself has worked wonders for me in any case and regardless of how I'm dressed I'm confident that it's really myself in there and no one else.:)

[Nikki A.]

Is the why that important? It seems that one should try to find their own comfort level and be content with themselves. Melissa has found her level, but we also need to balance our own needs with the needs of our families.

[Kate Simmons]

Understood my friend. Most do not need to know the why, nor do they really care. As you say, it's not just about us. In my case, however, the "why" became important because in coming to really know myself and my true feelings there was a profound change in my basic self, how I look at things and how I respond to others. As a result, I no longer focus on the dichotomy aspect and just focus on being myself as an overall person. It's much easier for me to deal with.:)

[Joanne f]

I know who i am and maybe that is the problem or at least i think i do yet it is still confusing to me how to sensibly deal with it as i am locked in a constant battle between to ideals.
On one hand i am a father , husband and joint head of the family, i have responsibilities to all in that unit which i take very seriously it is inbred in me and i cannot just shrug that off so i am compelled to take this into consideration on any actions i might take.
Yet i am also an individual that has needs and desires and these needs and desires become overwhelming some times because i cannot find a sensible balance between the two as one seams to be in direct conflict with the other, so if i were a Borg at least it would end this constant battle and bring some kind of peace to my head , unless mind was the ruling brain of the consortium ( then you would all be in the s**) :D





joanne :fairy2:



Don`t know why but that has just made me think about single mothers, do they have a sort of conflict like this , duty versus desires , if so god they must have it tuff.

[Kate Simmons]

Well, yeah, it's easy to be assimilated Joanne but it happens too much for my blood. Not only does society at large tend to do it but also government, family and social groups. It really depends on how much of it we are willing to put up with until we say: "enough already". Being an individual comes with a price that very few are willing to pay it seems. What always impressed me about Star Trek was when Picard, Data, 7 of 9 and Janeway showed how they outsmarted the "perfect" Borg. The tide may be against us but if we are determined enough we can make a difference by being ourselves.:)

[jennylogan]

I think that there isn't any one specific reason as to why we are like this nor do I think there is anything one can do to change it. There are probably as many reasons as there are MtoF crossdressers on this planet for why we feel the need to express our female personalities through wearing female clothing and trying our best to fit our inner image with our outward appearance.
The real joy that I have found in being able to express my female persona has come in the revelation that this is how I was born and instead of fighting it I have finally accepted it. With this hard won acceptance I have been able to spend the time I am en femme not in fear of discovery but in meaningful exploration of this aspect of my personality with the blessing and support of my wife. In short, if this is what I was meant to be, than how could I possibly not be it and still live my truth? I think the hardest thing in the world is to be true to your own self. I am many things and although being transgendered is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, I am thankful that I have found the courage to accept it, embrace it and take the many steps necessary to finally one day live full time in the gender I was meant to be.

[battybattybats]

Do we know why we feel hungry?

Do we know why our favourite food is our favourite?

Do we know why we desire sex?

Do we know why our turn ons are our turn ons and our turn offs our turn offs?

Do we know why we fall in love?

Do we know why we fall in love with who we fall in love with?

Every single day we interact with things we do not understand! Sure we can say 'I feel hungry because my body is designed to be hungry when it needs more fuel to run on' but can we say why our favourite foods are what they are as easilly?

And I'm sure that mystery doesn't keep many people up at night!

What about our favourite colour or our favourite music?

Every single day we experience mysterious and unexplained drives desires preferances and whims!

But this one is an issue for us because we've been constantly taught directly by public intolerance and condemnation and by omission of representation and public acceptance that its abnormal, unusual, wrong and shameful! So even if we get over the first hurdle and stop thinking much of that is true we still don't equate it with the other normal everday drives we experience.

But the reality is that we are not entirely free beings, we are a layer of concious decision-making sitting on top of a big layer of unconcious thought and feeling personality and psychology with a huge mass of instincts and natural urges and biofeedback mechanisms all of which make demands of and extend influences over the concious part which take varying degrees of concentrated willpower to go against.

Sure we can learn a great deal by carefully examining the influnces we experience, but our crossdressing desires are not substantially different than what colour we like the most or what flower we think smells nicest or what we feel like eating for dinner tonight. And unless we struggle with those desires, all just as ethical and harmless as crossdressing then we are holding ourselves to an unjust and foolish double-standard.

And just like shaving after having a beard for months or ones eyes after being in the dark for long periods the more something is locked away the more sensitive it becomes, and that is the cause of Pink Fog I'm certain!

Meaning that all the agonising and worrying we do over CDing just makes it stronger when we finally do give in to a natural and normal and harmless desire!

[Joanne f]

There are so many things that can influence are ability to be are self`s including geographical location. and as far as the Borg is concerned, (the collective, the meeting place where all are meant to serve one purpose) has it`s weakness, in that collective there is still a chain of command, groups and sub groups , you can be part of that collective yet if you are not excepted into a group or sub group you can still feel isolated from the collective, maybe that is what Picard realised that idealism and realism are to different things.


joanne :fairy2:

[Kate Simmons]

Point taken Joanne. I know sometimes being isolated hampers self exploration. Anyway, I smell another thread brewing. You know me, I'm anything but subtle.:heehee:

[Satrana]

This is an issue that I have been harping on about for some time. We CDs are in such a rush to "become a woman" that we ignore the fact that the perfect female we aim to be is as much a false facade as the male mask we want to escape from. We are in fact just jumping from one false choice to another, we are not actually finding our real selves because we are all, irregardless of our physical gender, a mixture of both masculine and feminine.

The problem with finding our real selves is that there are no role models to guide us, no real life examples to show us how this can be achieved. Instead every book, song, movie and television show reinforces the binary gender system which means we face a daily struggle to prevent ourselves being dragged back down into the programmed normality of society.

This is the real challenge - how do we recognize who we really are and how do we get there. Since everyone else around us are still plugged in the matrix, we have to discover these things out by ourselves and that is difficult. The attraction of just assuming a standardized female facade is overwhelming when we have no map of road signs to guide us to finding our true selves.

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, part of the problem is that we tend to idealize womanhood by default and feel that may be the way to go because we hate being guys. I have to challenge that myself and say we can no more hate ourselves than we can hate eating or breathing. Most of us have no real clue as to what actually being a woman is all about other than what we see sometimes through rose colored glasses. Some, of course, need to go the distance and transition but this is not the case with most of us and it comes down to mere wishful thinking for the most part.

As Satrana pointed out, all of us are a unique blend of male and female. Really recognizing that and being able to manage that can make a big difference in how we approach life. In the long run, it's all about choice and having faith in ourselves. Sometimes it takes courage and a leap of faith to discover who we really are. I'll admit it's terra incognita and it puts us outside of both "camps" as it were. Only we, however, can make that choice and decide to leave the security of the group to find the road to self discovery and only we can determine if doing that is valuable to us.:)

[Lisa Golightly]

Have to admit when it ever gets to those critical moments... To hormone, or not to hormone, I tend to wander from the group and head off into the wilderness for it is only on my own that the truth can be heard... The borg? I'm far too a lone wolf :)

[Kate Simmons]

I know Lisa. There is a tremendous amount of energy generated by what we do. Energy that could behave randomly if we do not get a handle on it. This is why introspection is so necessary sometimes if we want to keep it together and not go over the top so to speak. Who knows what we really want or desire other than ourselves? No one really.:)