I Think I'm Gonna Be Coming out...

[sarah8553]

I wanna hear what you girls think about this...

I was chatting (as I do a lot) to a friend on MSN, who wanted to shop for clothes. She was getting well frustrated because risk of parents finding out, disposing of stash, and getting her depressed...

This is a common problem I know of: CDer has stash, CDer gets caught/stash gets found, shash is dumped CDer has harder time breaking cycle of hard feeling and depression and has to start again...

I live with my parents, who, as many of you know, are not aware of my CDing, and I have a massive stash 300 miles away in Pembroke (too far to easily use :( but too far for prying mums :) )

Anyhow, we were discussing what to do, when my friend said, well actually I can't type the quote as I will get a rapping for abusive language, and rightly so! Suffice to say - they aren't going to bother hiding it.

I thought to myself, what a good idea! I mean in terms of simplicity, it's a cracker! So what if I am sat at my computer wearing a nice skirt, and in comes mum/dad and shock horror, they SEE it?!

Unless said person discovering the CDer is VERY frail and at risk of heart attacks and is very conservative/traditionalist, it is highly unlikely it will invoke a heart attack or stroke! It might cause a little tension, which if you are showing liberal/understanding or caring SOs should be overcome by a brief chat or something...

Hey! If they ask you if they are gay/want to have a gender transformation (nearly used the 3-lettered 's' word!), just stick to your guns and be honest.

Are you breaking the law? No. (I don't THINK this is incorrect, regardless of country/state!)

Is it offensive? No. (Hey, nudists walk about on private beaches!)

I'm going to get some disagreement here, I know. I got booted last time for flaming, so tell you what, I PROMISE I won't flame a soul this time ;)

Let the debate begin...

Hugs n kisses to you all...

Sarah. x

[Amelie]

Your right, it might not be breaking the law, having sex with your wife also isn't against the law, but one wouldn't do this in front of their parents.

You risk having a big fight and could end being disowned by your parents, also thrown out if you live with them.

I have lost most of my family, because of my desire to be a woman. I no longer talk to my sisters and brothers, well very rarely. My parents are the only people in my family that I still have contact with. This something that you risk when you come out of the closet. I accept this, my desire to be a woman is more important than my family. I know this sounds selfesh, but I can not change who i am, the feelings are to strong for me to hide it away.

You have to find some common ground, when talking with your parents and don't get in a shouting match, fighting will get you no where. But you have to be prepared for the worst, and have a plan in case the s--t hits the fan.

Good Luck
Amelie

[Wendy me]

i geusse that if you want to dress all the time or when you want to and live at home then it's a choise you have to make beware of the fall out and good luck ....

[sarah8553]

I am TERRIBLY sorry to hear what happened to you...

I do feel my parents are a pretty understanding sort, fortunately, and I hope in the future more people feel this is possible.

As for a shouting match, believe you me, I type a lot louder than I shout!

Thanks for you feedback, and advice...

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x


Your right, it might not be breaking the law, having sex with your wife also isn't against the law, but one wouldn't do this in front of their parents.

You risk having a big fight and could end being disowned by your parents, also thrown out if you live with them.

I have lost most of my family, because of my desire to be a woman. I no longer talk to my sisters and brothers, well very rarely. My parents are the only people in my family that I still have contact with. This something that you risk when you come out of the closet. I accept this, my desire to be a woman is more important than my family. I know this sounds selfesh, but I can not change who i am, the feelings are to strong for me to hide it away.

You have to find some common ground, when talking with your parents and don't get in a shouting match, fighting will get you no where. But you have to be prepared for the worst, and have a plan in case the s--t hits the fan.

Good Luck
Amelie

[eileen1969]

;)I think about family and I recall the first time! It was ok for them all at first!
inparticularly my mom! My step dad believes I am very couragous! My mom was very questionable at first. She even judged me through out times, that was painful. A time came when she felt this could effect the kids? kids are unconditional and this all is her own insecurities and fear. And for the rest of my fam! I simply told them this is me! take it or leave it! none of you can ever change me for who I am. if that makes any sense? Its just takes time for them to adjust but I really offer the fact to have supports in place because in my expereince of being alone in this has in fact killed me and then suffered a major stroke and then nearly bleed to death as a direct result of being persecuted, judged and then further more condemned! I came out unprepared and expecting too much! of the narrow minded family, what proved to be real freinds and ones who sold out! as well society at large!
until then take care n stay sexi Sarah! you know it girl much love Eileen is strong, free, loving, forgiving, nurturing, caring, sassy n sexy! we know this girls! ;)

[Julie York]

I think you need to sit back and get a bigger picture. What you think you want to be able to express yourself, is the first thing. THEN how you can integrate that into your life.

I get the impression you are frustrated but also a bit confused as you what you really want.

[Melissa A.]

Everything depends on who you reveal it to, and how you do it.

Some people will be fine with you being a cd. Others will beat the crap out of you.

I'm not suggesting that that your parents will kick your butt, just that you never know how people will react to cding, especially by someone close to them.We have GGs here who love and support their crossdressing partners, and heartbreaking stories of marriages crumbling. Stories of parents and friends being supportive, confused, shocked, and everything in between.

All I'd say is you may want to show some consideration and take seriously the fact that while it may not be a big deal to you or I, it is to some. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is. Being considerate may mean using a little less shock value and maybe talking to them about it first. If they walk in on you and you act not surprised at all, they will know you meant for it to happen that way. They might be a little pissed off about that, more than the cding. I mean, you share a house with them. (for now!) Who knows? depending on what they are like, your way might work best.

But I guess ya never know. That's the thing about crossdressing. Ya never know.

Personally, although my parents know I cd, I have no desire to share it with them. But I don't live with them, either.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[CharleneCD]

Ok Sarah, first off I thought the last topic was a very thought provoking one. Please behave as I would like to see more from you. This and the last topic are good serious ones.

To the topic at hand. You need to be prepared for anything to happen. Best case they accept you for who and what you are and all is well. Worst case they kick you out and never want to see you again. We all hope that our families love us enough to accept us as we are but we all fight our own prejuduces and demons and some family members dont measure up. You have it rougher than I do. At least I dont live with my parents. I do expect them to catch on though. Ther are alot of appearance changes that I know that they are going to start questioning: ie hair length, ears pierced, manicure... I can only lose so many bets to justify these changes. I will have to see how it goes.

For you, if you feel it is what you need to do, you need to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Also try not to let things get personal at the begining. in the heat of the moment when the shock is highest is when your parents are most likely to say things they realy dont mean. Basicly dont get pulled into a fight with them. Defend but do not attack as that might allow them to cool off a bit, much easier. Mostly all I can do is wish you luck.

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

Change isn't accomplished through inaction.
-Ibuki

[MonaSmith]

Hi Sarah,

It all comes down to who you tell and how you tell them. Some people you will know will be able to handle it. You' ll know if your parents can handle it, if you think that they can, then tell them. Do it in a non shocking way and be prepared to answer a lot of questions. Be open and honest about everything and you shouldn't have a problem.

Coming out to my family and to my friends and colleagues at work was the best thing I ever did.

Only you can know if it will work for you, all we can give you is advice based on our own experiences.

Mona xx.

[Holly]

Sarah,

Sometimes it's tough knowing what to do. As much as we all would like to see sociatal acceptance of crossdressers, it isn't going to happen in the short term. In the meantime we all must choose are battles wisely. In the end, you will have to make the call on which battles are the most important to YOU. Let the rest go for another day. My $.02!

[Rikki]

Sarah, I have to agree with Amelie on this. It may not be against the law, but do you have to dress in front of your parents? You live under there roof and I don't believe that they ask much from you, so how do you think they will take it if you were to walk around in their house and their friends were to come visit and you are wearing a skirt? I don't think that it would hurt to set down and talk with your parents and tell them that you like wearing skirts and that you have them and you would like to dress up in your room in the evenings. Let them take it from there and if they don't mind it, then I say go for it girl. I hope that all goes well for you and your parents. It is gona be a shock for them to just hear that you like to dress in skirts, emajine the shock if they were to see it before they new about it? Okay, I have lectured long enough, just my thoughts. I hope all goes well.


Rikki

[experiment102]

Sarah, I came out to my mom, but I definitely didn't let her catch me. I just sat down and told her one day. It helped that she is a really understanding person and that I first discussed it with our family therapist who knows my mom and felt that I would be ok to tell her. That gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to be able to come out. I realize that might not be the case for you, but if you feel they are understanding you might want to go for it. Also you could try and test the waters first by bring crossdressing up as a general topic...ie "I saw my friend at school wearing girls jeans..." or make up some news story about a crossdresser. Then ask them what they think. It could give you an idea of where they stand. I hope that helps and let me know how it goes if you do tell them! :)

[DonnaT]

It's never a good idea to just appear in front of a parent or SO dressed without giving them some kind of notice first.

When you do talk to them, be prepared to answer all their questions. Including one such as: "OK, I understand your need, but do you need to dress in front of me, and why?"

Some people just aren't comfortable seeing it, and if you don't have a good reason to do it now, as opposed to a few days ago, then they'll want to know "Why now?"

[CharleneCD]

Just as an update and to go along with the go slow approach me and Bunny are starting to slowly give hints and slowly feel them out to see how they will react. Mom not happy with changes but over time I think she will adapt.

[Kiera]

Wow, a lot of really good advice. That is why I lov this site.

Anyway, back to the subject. I very much agree that your best bet would NOT involve letting them catch you dressed. As the saying goes, anything worth doing is worth doing right. What I would do is single out one of your parents, and disclose your desire to dress to the one which you find to be the easiest to talk to and would be the most understanding. As some of the girls have mentioned, feel them out first. Plant the seed of thought and pay attention to what they have to say, but know this: People's opinions are often different when the people they are talking about are not emotionally envolved in their own lives. It makes a big difference. For example, if you were to say, "I saw this boy at the mall dressed as a girl." :D vs. "Mom, I saw dad wearing women's clothes when you were out shopping yesterday." :evilbegon

If you can get one of your parents to understand, it will give you an edge when confronting the other. Also, dont begin the conversation unprepared. Do your homework and find some references that deal with the aspects of CDing. They helped me when I told my SO and I am sure the girls here can point you in the right direction with some sites.

Most importantly, keep your head up, make eye contact, take it slow, and be sure to keep your head and not let your emotions get the best of you.

I wish you the best of luck..... :)

[sarah8553]

Hi Girls...

Well, I guess I won't be going for the 'shock and awe' approach then!

Seriously though, perhaps I will talk to them after my finals sometime. They are making me stressed at the minute, so I don't need family hassle at the same time! That means mid-June.

Thanks a lot for your feedback, again, it's all really great. I think you ought to get to know a little more about my parents, so here goes...

My mum is pretty liberal actually. She is mid-40s and also happens to be a lesbian and a feminist. She is more likely to be hurt if I told someone else, and she found out from them and felt that I thought I could not confide something in her... In fact she has said this to me repeatedly, and no, that's not because she is suspicious, it's because I am depressed a lot, unsurprisingly! My mum has a depression due to a severe Rheumatoid Arthritis that she suffers...

My dad, ooo, you'll love this! He is a Behaviour Therapist! He's pretty liberal as well, actually, early 50s, don't think he is anything other than straight, but that's not really my business, since he has not told me. Unlike my mum. Again, he may be hurt if he found out from other source, but tends to be the one of the two who is snoozing on the sofa when I have something important to say. But somedays he'll drop into my room, sit down on the bed and ask if anything is up (he knows the dangers of depression all too well). My dad does have a slightly high blood pressure...

Can you girls help me out here, who should I come out to first, then?

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

[DonnaT]

Your mother for sure, if you need a first. I'd tell them both at the same time, sounds like they can handle it and it also sounds that one would be hurt if you told the other first.

[sarah8553]

You really think both?

Mmm, sounds a bit more daunting, both at once!

Anyone else agree with that, or do they think one or the other...

Thanks Donna...

Sarah. x

[Rikki]

Hi Sarah, I have to agree with Donna, the best approach( my appenion only) is set them both down together and just come out and tell them. They sound like understanding parents, so just go for it girl. Judt don't let thme hear it from somebody else and don't be wearing a skirt or dress when you tell them. Like a lot of SO have told their partner that it is okay, just don't let me see you. Good luck and keep us informed.


Rikki

[Andrea]

You really think both?

Mmm, sounds a bit more daunting, both at once!

Anyone else agree with that, or do they think one or the other...

Thanks Donna...

Sarah. x

Hi Babe....

If it makes it easier then I would say your mum. She sound perhaps the easyest to talk to first. It would be less daunting than both at once and once she is on your side, you or both of you, can talk to your dad.

Andrea x

[paulaN]

I think you should tell them if you feel the need to. but don't do it in a shocking maner like setting at the computer all dressed up tell them in drab (yuck) thay may never want to see you dressed again after something so shocking to there system. take it slow as with most things that we dressers have to deal with. just my two cents.

[sarah8553]

Ok,

I told my parents, well my mum and then my dad when he woke up :) - today, they were actually pretty cool about it and said it was none of their business what I do in my private life.

I'll never be able to dress here, but hey, I feel like I have less of a burden now...

Thanks for the help from you all girls...

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

[CharleneCD]

Congratulations Sarah. I am so glad it went well for you.

[sarah8553]

Got there in the end... now I am trying to SLOWLY build on it...

This is the start of a new life!

Thanks again,

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

[MonaSmith]

Hi Sarah, well done.

I came out properly to my Mum at New Years, and since then life has been getting better and better. Today I spent all day dressed around her and it was great, This is your first step towards total freedom to express yourself, congratulations.

Mona xx.

[Strike]

I am thinking about coming out to my parents, but I wait until I got my job sorted, as that is my main goal at the mo.

[Sharon]

That's it? Your parents said your life was none of their business?

[racquel]

congrats,life will be a little less stresful and I'll bet you will be even closer to your parents in the future.I am happy all went well. :D

[sarah8553]

That's it? Your parents said your life was none of their business?

Yes,

They view it as a very private part of my life and think that if I actually do CD it is a compulsion that I need treatment for.

Further, they feel I was wrong to let my last girlfriend know about it once I felt we were going to have a serious relationship (just under a month into it).

They seem to think I should have waited more like 3 years...

I honestly feel I have not made much ground by even coming out, to be honest.

Perhaps there is something I haven't said, or said wrong...

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

[experiment102]

Well first off, Congratulations! That was a big step and as I remember it was also a very hard one for me. It takes courage and I am glad to hear it went decently well.

With regard to what your parents said, did they mean treatment as in treatment to "cure" you from this "problem" or treatment as in seeing a psychologist? Because if it was the latter I don't think thats a bad response. I go to our family therapist and it feels soo good to have someone to talk to about my CDing. However, if their reaction was the former, I am sorry that they did not take it better.

Remember that this is also a big step for them to digest. In time they will become more accepting. When I told my mom she took it pretty well, but wanted to make sure I had someone to talk to it about (ie our family therapist). She still does not want to see me dressed, but she has accepted me. I guess what I am saying is that from what you have said it sounds like you have a decent start. Just give it some time now and see how things play out. Congratulations again! :)

[sarah8553]

I reckon they mean to see a therapist, and that's for the depression I get when I am in drab, which is just way too much of the time...

Thanks for the advice, perhaps I will get therapy or see a psychologist.

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

[Stephenie]

Hope you get what you want from your new life. Go slow and keep talking with your parents. It's thier house let them set the limits. Have fun.

[Sharon]

Yes,

They view it as a very private part of my life and think that if I actually do CD it is a compulsion that I need treatment for.

Further, they feel I was wrong to let my last girlfriend know about it once I felt we were going to have a serious relationship (just under a month into it).

They seem to think I should have waited more like 3 years...

I honestly feel I have not made much ground by even coming out, to be honest.

Perhaps there is something I haven't said, or said wrong...

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x

Okay Sarah, this is a little different than your original statement:

I told my parents, well my mum and then my dad when he woke up - today, they were actually pretty cool about it and said it was none of their business what I do in my private life.

Your parents apparently did talk to you some about your crossdressing, and I don't disagree with what they say. If you see a therapist though, make sure they have experience with gender dysphoria. You're not going to "cure" your need to crossdress, but you do need to find a way to deal with it and figure out just how transgendered you are. And if you're not satisfied with the therapist when you speak with them, don't be hesitant about going to a different one.

Good luck to you! :)

[sarah8553]

Hi,

Right, first of all, be under no illusions about this - my parents will change their minds about how they feel about me on this matter, they always say one thing, and then change their stance later. I was kind of expecting it to a degree.

I am fully aware I am not out for a cure to what is actually not even a problem, but I feel the depression I get is, so I do need help there. Thanks for the advice about therapists, I will be sure to check that out.

Thanks for your concern, but please be assured, my parents are not able to adjust immediately, so certain responses will be delayed ones...

Hugs n kisses,

Sarah. x