Charlot
09-27-2008, 05:52 PM
Now that I've finally come across a group of people who basically reflect myself, I have decided to share my story and hope to get some feedback/advice in response. Briefly I had a conversation with my mother when I was a young teenager, however, it was quickly dismissed and I've never uttered another word to anyone. I'm 28 years old, by the way.
I can remember being a 3 or 4 year old, hating dresses, and attracted to sports-related activities. My mom said that my favorite toy as a toddler was a rubber ball, and by the time I was 5, I wanted to play basketball. One Christmas around that time, my parents got me my own basketball goal and a uniform to wear. I can also remember another Christmas when one of my aunts gave me a set of barrettes to wear. When she tried to put one in my hair, I had a screaming fit. I don't think I really liked her, so perhaps that had something to do with it.
I grew up with three brothers, so without the influence of a sister, it was very easy to be a tomboy. But it was more than that - I found that I started wanting to be a boy. The unconscious male tendencies I'd had as a small child started coming out behaviorally. Now, I was still a kid and I still dressed in girl's clothes because that's what my parents provided for me to wear. But I never passed up the chance to put on a football jersey and go play tackle with the boys. I loved it. At the age of 8, I was playing basketball and softball regularly. Basketball turned out to be my best sport, and I was always the star player on the team. I was good and would even beat guys in a one on one match well into my high school years. I still could give them a run for their money.
Anyway, what really cemented it for me was the fact that I whenever we played 'house' or pretended to be characters from a TV show, I always wanted to be a guy. My favorite characters were always guys, and there was no way I wanted to portray a girl. Guys had more fun in my book. That being said, I did own a fairly extensive set of Barbie dolls along with accessories. I loved playing with them, but my brothers would also join me occasionally. In return, I would play G.I. Joe's with them. It's not like I completely turned my back on everything considered 'girly'. I was just more drawn to masculine activities.
This really hit home when at about 10 years old, I became friends with a new girl. She introduced me to Johnny Depp in "Edward Scissorhands" and "21 Jump Street." For the first time in my life, I started learning more about sexual things like rape or touching certain places. To my utter shock, she suggested that we "play" like we were a couple. Naturally, I wanted to be the guy. While I had a slightly sick feeling in my gut (I was raised a Southern Baptist), I loved it. I loved being in a relationship with a "woman". I loved being treated like a guy. It was addictive. It even got a bit physical - nothing sexual - just kissing and light touching. But it was always done in the guise of a girl/boy relationship - not a lesbian one. It lasted for a couple of months before I called an end to it. My conscious was tearing me apart inside because instinctively I knew something about what we were doing wasn't right. One day on a drive over to her house, I started crying and told my mother everything. Our friendship had begun to suffer anyway, so I just didn't feel like continuing anything with her. She gave me a few dirty looks after that. Strangely, a few years later after we had grown up, I ran into her at church. She was with a good-looking guy and all was forgotten.
Another aspect of my childhood is that when we got together with some cousins of mine form out of town, the boy and my brother had some kind of sexual fascination as all boys do as kids. They would actually do strip shows in front of my female cousin and I. Of course, girls being curious as they are as kids, we let them...although we were older and did draw the line at times. Sometimes they would trick us into kissing them...but I never kissed my brother. It was always my cousin. They, being boys, tried to show their dominance of us, but my female cousin and I usually brushed them off. They were little brats, too curious for their own good. We treated them as such. Nonetheless, I think I developed some kind of female inferiority complex from that experience. It contributed to me wanting to be a male.
As a teenager, I really began to feel more masculine than my friends. Most girls at that age start getting into makeup, and they abandon their previous tomboy tendencies. They start acting like prissy girls to get guys to like them. The crowd I hung out with weren't so prissy, they were just average girls. But they were still girls. I never grew out of my tomboyishness. I still loved sports as much as ever and started playing for AAU and competitive teams. I started watching guys - not because I thought they were cute (although I did have some crushes), but I would watch how they dressed, what their bodies looked like, how they talked and behaved, what things they liked to do, and I found myself wanting to be one of them. There were a couple of girls in my teenage years that I had major crushes on. I used to lie in bed thinking about how I wish I were a guy so that I could be their boyfriend. Again, I never wanted to be in a lesbian relationship. If I wanted to be with a girl, I wanted to be a guy with a girl.
It was around this time that I figured out I could satisfy some of my longings by cross dressing. I took some basic clothes from my brothers - things they wouldn't notice missing - and I began to dress up and behave like a guy in the privacy of my room. It was so much fun being on the outside who I felt like on the inside. I started wearing more masculine looking clothes out in the world and I cut my hair short. I felt so awesome not having long hair anymore. Though I felt at odds sometimes around my peers, when I locked myself in my room and put on my guy clothes, I had the short hair to go with it. But it was my secret - I never told anyone about it. My mom did find my boy clothes in a drawer once when she was putting something away. She asked me about it and that's when I told her that I didn't like being a girl. She didn't really do anything about it though and has never confronted me about it since. Of course, I looked like an anomaly among other girls. Everyone else had the long flowing hair and would do the usual girly things. I always longed to go play sports with the guys rather than to spend an afternoon doing nails and such. Whenever I tried to play sports with my girl friends, they would always suck and I would get frustrated because I felt like I was playing with a bunch of girls. I knew how guys felt. Thankfully, the girls I played competitive ball with were mostly good players and actually gave me some competition - some I struggled to keep up with.
To this day, I have a small collection of men's clothes that I will wear in private. My hair is still short, and I love being that guy that I've always felt inside. However, I wear women's clothes when I'm out and about. I wear makeup and I style my hair as a woman would, even though it is short. I find that I don't want to look like a guy around other people. I don't mind dressing up like a girl when I have to. But I still don't do my nails or wear a lot of jewelry. I do the bare minimum to still pass as a woman. People tell me that I have an athletic walk and I'll stand with my feet apart instead of together like women do. I don't get emotional over things and I never go gaga over babies. I don't understand women's mentality on a lot of things. I recently had a conversation with my sister-in-law and she asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I told her not really and that I've never once thought about my wedding, nor being pregnant. She was floored. She couldn't comprehend a woman not wanting to get married or be pregnant. I was shocked that women actually can't wait to be pregnant - who thinks about that? I hear women complaining about guys all the time and how they can't understand them. I understand them very well - although some things I don't get. Like how is farting and burping funny? I admit that I do think like a woman about some things. It's in my DNA. But I also think like a man a lot of the time. It's very frustrating when women expect you to act or think like them, but you just can't because it never occurs to you to do so.
My biggest concern is a social one. I'm not interested in going through a surgery or taking hormones. I'm fine with being a female outwardly for the rest of my life. I can deal with it, because I know that when I come home, I can put on my other identity and get it out of my system. But it's a very lonely existence. I can never get married because I feel like a guy, and a guy doesn't want to marry a guy. I would never be able to be a true "wife" to him because that's just not who I am. It would require me giving up something that's been a huge part of my life. I'm not willing to be in a relationship where I have to become feminine in order for him to be masculine. At the same token, I am not interested in a lesbian relationship either. That leaves me with nothing. No relationship, no marriage. I've said ever since I was little that I didn't want to get married, and I still feel the same today. My problem is that now that I'm older and am beginning my own life away from the companionship of my family, I am void of an intimate relationship. Sometimes I think that marriage would be good because you could live your life with someone else you really love. Only thing is, I want to be married as a guy. I wouldn't mind having a wife and kids, but I want to be a Dad, not a Mom. Guys tend to treat me as a guy - I guess I just come across that way even though I still look like a girl. I just seem to give them that vibe. Maybe it's the short hair, very small breasts, athletic walk, and deeper voice that do it.
So, not wanting to physically change into a man, and not knowing how to accept myself as a woman, I've created my own little universe where I exist as a man. It's my secret. It's my comfort zone. In my head, I'm a tall, dark, handsome man with blue eyes, and women are always attracted to me. I actually pretend to be the man of a couple who's on a TV show - playacting like you do as a kid I suppose. I have friends that I've conjured up in my universe. So, when I'm alone, I can be that man, that person that I love being. But when reality hits, I'm myself, a woman. Though I sometimes surround myself with my imaginary life in the real world - I just don't let anyone else onto my secret. No one knows. I'm not demented or anything - I know that these people don't really exist, but they offer me comfort in a world where I'm not always comfortable. They're with me in my imagination whenever I need them to be.
God bless you if you've read this far and don't think I'm a total nutcase. I hate being a woman. If I were a man, I feel like I would have accomplished more in life. I would be able to have a normal family. I could wear guy's clothes and be comfortable. I could have a larger body with muscles. I could have stubble which I love on some men. I could have that deep voice. I could show my talent in sports without being weird or labeled a lesbian. I could kick back like a guy, talk like a guy, act like a guy without getting strange stares. I could enjoy romance with a woman and be a man to her. But only in my dreams. I'm afraid of being alone as I get older. I don't want to miss out on marriage necessarily, but I will have to. Sometimes I'm attracted to guys and think what it might be like to be with them. Sometimes I think there are advantages to being a woman, and occasionally I'll feel the urge to act like a woman. But it usually doesn't last long before I go back to wishing I were a guy.
Any thoughts, advice, or similar experiences that you've been through? Can I cope with this into old age?
I can remember being a 3 or 4 year old, hating dresses, and attracted to sports-related activities. My mom said that my favorite toy as a toddler was a rubber ball, and by the time I was 5, I wanted to play basketball. One Christmas around that time, my parents got me my own basketball goal and a uniform to wear. I can also remember another Christmas when one of my aunts gave me a set of barrettes to wear. When she tried to put one in my hair, I had a screaming fit. I don't think I really liked her, so perhaps that had something to do with it.
I grew up with three brothers, so without the influence of a sister, it was very easy to be a tomboy. But it was more than that - I found that I started wanting to be a boy. The unconscious male tendencies I'd had as a small child started coming out behaviorally. Now, I was still a kid and I still dressed in girl's clothes because that's what my parents provided for me to wear. But I never passed up the chance to put on a football jersey and go play tackle with the boys. I loved it. At the age of 8, I was playing basketball and softball regularly. Basketball turned out to be my best sport, and I was always the star player on the team. I was good and would even beat guys in a one on one match well into my high school years. I still could give them a run for their money.
Anyway, what really cemented it for me was the fact that I whenever we played 'house' or pretended to be characters from a TV show, I always wanted to be a guy. My favorite characters were always guys, and there was no way I wanted to portray a girl. Guys had more fun in my book. That being said, I did own a fairly extensive set of Barbie dolls along with accessories. I loved playing with them, but my brothers would also join me occasionally. In return, I would play G.I. Joe's with them. It's not like I completely turned my back on everything considered 'girly'. I was just more drawn to masculine activities.
This really hit home when at about 10 years old, I became friends with a new girl. She introduced me to Johnny Depp in "Edward Scissorhands" and "21 Jump Street." For the first time in my life, I started learning more about sexual things like rape or touching certain places. To my utter shock, she suggested that we "play" like we were a couple. Naturally, I wanted to be the guy. While I had a slightly sick feeling in my gut (I was raised a Southern Baptist), I loved it. I loved being in a relationship with a "woman". I loved being treated like a guy. It was addictive. It even got a bit physical - nothing sexual - just kissing and light touching. But it was always done in the guise of a girl/boy relationship - not a lesbian one. It lasted for a couple of months before I called an end to it. My conscious was tearing me apart inside because instinctively I knew something about what we were doing wasn't right. One day on a drive over to her house, I started crying and told my mother everything. Our friendship had begun to suffer anyway, so I just didn't feel like continuing anything with her. She gave me a few dirty looks after that. Strangely, a few years later after we had grown up, I ran into her at church. She was with a good-looking guy and all was forgotten.
Another aspect of my childhood is that when we got together with some cousins of mine form out of town, the boy and my brother had some kind of sexual fascination as all boys do as kids. They would actually do strip shows in front of my female cousin and I. Of course, girls being curious as they are as kids, we let them...although we were older and did draw the line at times. Sometimes they would trick us into kissing them...but I never kissed my brother. It was always my cousin. They, being boys, tried to show their dominance of us, but my female cousin and I usually brushed them off. They were little brats, too curious for their own good. We treated them as such. Nonetheless, I think I developed some kind of female inferiority complex from that experience. It contributed to me wanting to be a male.
As a teenager, I really began to feel more masculine than my friends. Most girls at that age start getting into makeup, and they abandon their previous tomboy tendencies. They start acting like prissy girls to get guys to like them. The crowd I hung out with weren't so prissy, they were just average girls. But they were still girls. I never grew out of my tomboyishness. I still loved sports as much as ever and started playing for AAU and competitive teams. I started watching guys - not because I thought they were cute (although I did have some crushes), but I would watch how they dressed, what their bodies looked like, how they talked and behaved, what things they liked to do, and I found myself wanting to be one of them. There were a couple of girls in my teenage years that I had major crushes on. I used to lie in bed thinking about how I wish I were a guy so that I could be their boyfriend. Again, I never wanted to be in a lesbian relationship. If I wanted to be with a girl, I wanted to be a guy with a girl.
It was around this time that I figured out I could satisfy some of my longings by cross dressing. I took some basic clothes from my brothers - things they wouldn't notice missing - and I began to dress up and behave like a guy in the privacy of my room. It was so much fun being on the outside who I felt like on the inside. I started wearing more masculine looking clothes out in the world and I cut my hair short. I felt so awesome not having long hair anymore. Though I felt at odds sometimes around my peers, when I locked myself in my room and put on my guy clothes, I had the short hair to go with it. But it was my secret - I never told anyone about it. My mom did find my boy clothes in a drawer once when she was putting something away. She asked me about it and that's when I told her that I didn't like being a girl. She didn't really do anything about it though and has never confronted me about it since. Of course, I looked like an anomaly among other girls. Everyone else had the long flowing hair and would do the usual girly things. I always longed to go play sports with the guys rather than to spend an afternoon doing nails and such. Whenever I tried to play sports with my girl friends, they would always suck and I would get frustrated because I felt like I was playing with a bunch of girls. I knew how guys felt. Thankfully, the girls I played competitive ball with were mostly good players and actually gave me some competition - some I struggled to keep up with.
To this day, I have a small collection of men's clothes that I will wear in private. My hair is still short, and I love being that guy that I've always felt inside. However, I wear women's clothes when I'm out and about. I wear makeup and I style my hair as a woman would, even though it is short. I find that I don't want to look like a guy around other people. I don't mind dressing up like a girl when I have to. But I still don't do my nails or wear a lot of jewelry. I do the bare minimum to still pass as a woman. People tell me that I have an athletic walk and I'll stand with my feet apart instead of together like women do. I don't get emotional over things and I never go gaga over babies. I don't understand women's mentality on a lot of things. I recently had a conversation with my sister-in-law and she asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I told her not really and that I've never once thought about my wedding, nor being pregnant. She was floored. She couldn't comprehend a woman not wanting to get married or be pregnant. I was shocked that women actually can't wait to be pregnant - who thinks about that? I hear women complaining about guys all the time and how they can't understand them. I understand them very well - although some things I don't get. Like how is farting and burping funny? I admit that I do think like a woman about some things. It's in my DNA. But I also think like a man a lot of the time. It's very frustrating when women expect you to act or think like them, but you just can't because it never occurs to you to do so.
My biggest concern is a social one. I'm not interested in going through a surgery or taking hormones. I'm fine with being a female outwardly for the rest of my life. I can deal with it, because I know that when I come home, I can put on my other identity and get it out of my system. But it's a very lonely existence. I can never get married because I feel like a guy, and a guy doesn't want to marry a guy. I would never be able to be a true "wife" to him because that's just not who I am. It would require me giving up something that's been a huge part of my life. I'm not willing to be in a relationship where I have to become feminine in order for him to be masculine. At the same token, I am not interested in a lesbian relationship either. That leaves me with nothing. No relationship, no marriage. I've said ever since I was little that I didn't want to get married, and I still feel the same today. My problem is that now that I'm older and am beginning my own life away from the companionship of my family, I am void of an intimate relationship. Sometimes I think that marriage would be good because you could live your life with someone else you really love. Only thing is, I want to be married as a guy. I wouldn't mind having a wife and kids, but I want to be a Dad, not a Mom. Guys tend to treat me as a guy - I guess I just come across that way even though I still look like a girl. I just seem to give them that vibe. Maybe it's the short hair, very small breasts, athletic walk, and deeper voice that do it.
So, not wanting to physically change into a man, and not knowing how to accept myself as a woman, I've created my own little universe where I exist as a man. It's my secret. It's my comfort zone. In my head, I'm a tall, dark, handsome man with blue eyes, and women are always attracted to me. I actually pretend to be the man of a couple who's on a TV show - playacting like you do as a kid I suppose. I have friends that I've conjured up in my universe. So, when I'm alone, I can be that man, that person that I love being. But when reality hits, I'm myself, a woman. Though I sometimes surround myself with my imaginary life in the real world - I just don't let anyone else onto my secret. No one knows. I'm not demented or anything - I know that these people don't really exist, but they offer me comfort in a world where I'm not always comfortable. They're with me in my imagination whenever I need them to be.
God bless you if you've read this far and don't think I'm a total nutcase. I hate being a woman. If I were a man, I feel like I would have accomplished more in life. I would be able to have a normal family. I could wear guy's clothes and be comfortable. I could have a larger body with muscles. I could have stubble which I love on some men. I could have that deep voice. I could show my talent in sports without being weird or labeled a lesbian. I could kick back like a guy, talk like a guy, act like a guy without getting strange stares. I could enjoy romance with a woman and be a man to her. But only in my dreams. I'm afraid of being alone as I get older. I don't want to miss out on marriage necessarily, but I will have to. Sometimes I'm attracted to guys and think what it might be like to be with them. Sometimes I think there are advantages to being a woman, and occasionally I'll feel the urge to act like a woman. But it usually doesn't last long before I go back to wishing I were a guy.
Any thoughts, advice, or similar experiences that you've been through? Can I cope with this into old age?