Living a Life of Truth

[Jocelyn Renee]

I was going to post this as a response to a thread about friends and possible blackmail, but I decided to post it as it's own thread. As someone who has suffered the loss and rebirth that comes from outing, I have lots of thoughts on this subject. For me, living a life of truth is the ONLY correct way to live. I say that with full knowledge that choosing that path is almost guaranteed to completely destroy your current life.

I spent my life excelling in school, preparing for and attaining success. From the outside I had a great life. Of course, I zealously fought to keep it all together because in so many ways I had what I wanted and I wasn't about to jeopardize what I had built. But it all went away with a speed that was remarkable. Why? Because my great job, all my great friends, and my 5 year love affair with a "great" woman rested upon a foundation of lies. All it took was the removal of one tiny stone to send it all crashing to the ground.

I learned the hard way that cars, clothes, houses, and superficial relationships do not make your life worthwhile. It occurred to me that my bosses and friends that had once been so full of praise never really cared. I was just a means to move the company forward, not unlike any other piece of disposable equipment. For my friends I was just an accoutrement that made them shine just a bit brighter. For my girlfriend I was the source of clothes, cars, and vacations. When my "hobby" threatened to make them look bad by association, they dropped me and never looked back.

What was left after the crash were the only things that had ever been real in my life. I felt like a sucker for working so hard for so long to guard and protect the aspects of my life that had never been anything more than illusion. I was angry - angry at myself for being so short sighted and angry at those who had been so shallow. I vowed to never again allow myself to be part of anything that was not true.

It was hard work and it took years of struggle, but now I am happy, free, and invulnerable. No one can blackmail me because my life is built upon a foundation of truth. My job, my family, and my friends know the truth of me. I relish the opportunities I now have to rid myself of people who can not or will not accept the truth that I don women's clothing from time to time. If that one tiny thing would stand in the way of loving me, then I do not want them in my life. They are not worthy.

For the majority of my life I could have agreed with these ideas in theory, but I never would have put them into practice willingly. Who wants to proactively destroy their lives? I was pushed into this kicking and screaming all the way. I put the blame on myself and fought to suppress my "sickness". For those that would read this and think, "I'm glad it worked out for you, but I'm not going to risk it." you have my complete understanding. I'm certainly not advocating everyone take out an ad in the Times tomorrow, but in the end truth always wins. It might get ugly in the interim, but what emerges is beautiful and free. I've been on both sides and I much prefer what emerged on the other side of that long, dark tunnel.

[suzy cool]

That's an ecceptionally good post. And I agree with you...in theory.:D

[Samantha Kelsey]

I agree with what you say and understand exactly how you felt/feel. I opened up to my ex wife five years before we split. At the time of the split I realized that life would be hell if my ex became vindictive as I knew she would.
I decided that to prevent family and close friends being upset I would have to deal with it myself. Thank god I did.
Rumors soon started to fly back in Britain where I spent most of my life. I had the threat "I will tell" thrown at me but by then it was too late. I was open and free and at peace with myself and the world every day since.

[SherriePall]

Good for you! It's amazing how clear the day is once the fog lifts! I'm only out to my wife (not including some SA's) and that, in and of itself, was freeing enough for me. Fortunately, I am near the end of mandatory working and so that is of no concern for me. Besides, I have never made a fortune working and don't have that hanging over my head.
I wish you, and all others who have taken this step, all the happiness and love in this world.

[Jonianne]

Great post Jocelyn. Sounds like the truth has set you free.

[Ruth]

That's a great post, and I too would ideally like to live a life of complete truth to everyone. As you say though, a lot of your life is liable to come tumbling down in ruins in the process.
It is just one of those contradictions that so many of us have to live with.

[sterling12]

Yes, a very good Posting. Truth and self-acceptance are scary and difficult things to obtain. Learning how to grow up and realizing that "things" are superficial, that's moving your humanity to a higher level.

I don't know if you realize it or care, but your Post really improved my outlook; hope it will do the same for others. I think it shows that no matter how bad life sometimes seems; if we perceiver we can work our way through it, and come out as a better person. I've been a bit down lately and for whatever reason what you wrote seems to have struck a very empathetic note inside of me. So, I will simply say, "thank you!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Carla]

The actual impact any one post on this Forum really cannot be measured. The number and content of replies may be an indicator, but an unreliable one.

That said, if it were possible to measure, your post would be one of the most important messages ever posted. Congratulations.

I am in hte same boat as SherriePall. My wife knows and completely supports me. She never ceases to amaze me. She was shopping for a gift for her sister and could not find what she was looking for, but found a cute top for me! I am also near the end of my career so it is really no use to me to come out to my co-workers. The calm that comes over me and ease with which I can dress sometimes when I get home from work or for most of every weekend is simply uplifting. I hide nothing at home. I can do simple things like order cosmetics on line for delivery and don't care how they are wrapped. Simple for me.....but for ten of thousands of us out there, this act is full of fear and worry.

Because I know that I am one of the fortunate few who can live a life at home without lies, I am sometimes very torn about talking about my situation. At times I am so happy and feel so fortunate that I could BURST and can't wait to tell someone how I feel. But then I don't want to come across to other girls as "....see what I got...don't you wish you were in my shoes?" It really bothers me. For you who are still living in shadows, trust me....I know how you feel. I was living in those shadows most of my entire life. I have only been "out" to my new wife a relatively short time so I will never forget what it is like for you.

[suzanne]

Bravo, and very well said!! You have become one of the most liberated people anywhere. A true testament to the adages, "The truth shall set you free." and What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Live long and prosper, sister!

[PamelaTX]

I agree, this is a great post, and says something that needs to be said. I lied to myself and everyone around me for years -- decades. Despite success in virtually all aspects of life, I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. Now that I've accepted the truth, I'm truly happy for the first time. I'm out only to my wife, but the rest will come. Slowly. When the time is right. I only know that I've had enough of the "deep dark secret" thing. I consider my CDing private, but that's all. Perhaps even that will change.

Thank you Jocelyn Renee for saying something so wonderful.

[Angie G]

Cograts Jocelyn you truly free you go girl.:hugs:
Angie

[Karen Francis]

My experience is somewhat parallel. 5 years ago I decided to expand my CD activities, kids were grown and gone, wife of 30+years was aware of my hobby, accepting as long as it was deep in the closet. I decided to leave the closet, first to TG meetings, then to social events with other TG/CD's. the more I did the less she liked it. Finally came to a head, and she started outing me to my relatives, then hers. She fovever altered the relationship I have with those people. And frankly, I now will only have a relationship with those persons I chose to, who will accept all of me and I am going to deep six all the others. I don't have to justify anything to anyone. It's their loss, not mine. Not the original plan of course, but I will make it work, and be much happier for it..
Would I change anything? no