Possible calamities.Worth it?

[Kayla Shadows]

If staying inside is good enough for you that is fine. Were not all the same. For some of us its not just clothes.Being ourselves is exactly that and can’t be confined .

I have been out for two great evenings and plan on much much more.And frequently.The beginning of leaving that old boring life behind started not too long ago.I don’t ever see myself going back to how things were.I didn’t think any of this was possible in my life,I knew no other crossdressers,nobody knew I did this and I never felt like me.The way my mind has changed through coming out to DD,coming here,meeting new people and going out…its…there is no other feeling in the world like feeling free and being yourself.From this point and on,whatever happens,this is who I am first..

For those of you who may be thinking of venturing outside of your home or have,what do you think about?How do you see the pros and cons in comparison?

Pros---living the life you want,friends,experiences, stories to tell

Cons--- hate ,violence, outed(problems at work, friend and family issues)

What am I missing?



I think…

We all know that people we come in contact with out of our homes may pose a danger. Hatred and violence is real and I understand this fear.To be safe,we have to be aware.At the same time,we shouldn’t let fear rule our life.I don’t want to be a victim of fear.I may as well be dead because that is not life to me.The brave people who face their fear and go about their lives with a possible terror attack in the works,they are really something. Maybe afraid but,the fear doesn’t stop them.If they stop,the terrorists win.If we stop,is the safety of home really winning?

For being outed,whatever the world throws me,I will deal with it.If I am still alive,my world is not going to end.The only one who can tear me down is me.If everything happens for a reason,then something better fitting my life may be ahead.

Is it worth it?...To me,every single second.

[MJ]

i went through everything you have said. but i found that people will accept you as you are and you will make new friends. bottom line is take me or leave me ... it's not as bad as you think out there

[LACD]

[B][/B
There is an old saying that goes something like " Pick your battles, don't let them pick you". I would love to venture out but I can't come close to blending or passing. Your look lets you venture pretty much where you want to go. Where I live, there is a heavy oil field construction element. Plus other trades that are pretty macho and unforgiving. Being in the South, the area is somewhat conservative,also. Dear Wife and I have talked about going to a big city like Houston or New Orleans and check out the CD scene. The only thing I am worried about is violence against us by thugs or really not understanding people. I guess this is kind of windy, but that is my thinking. I would love to go out dressed and shop, dine out and maybe see a movie or go to a casino. Maybe someday.:2c:

[Angie G]

Your a brave girl it works for you and that's great unforchinitly going out won't work for everyone some just can't for whatever reason and can still be happy. and don;t have to feel bad about it. We must do our own thing.:hugs:
Angie

[Niya W]

Well for me there was very little cons. It got me out the house. Stopped the depression . I meet some very cool people made lots friends. It allowed me to go to places I thought I've never go to or have the courage to do . In short it allowed me to live life.

[Kayla Shadows]

I know going out isnt for everyone.I dont want to come here and say,"you all have to get out there".Where some of you live it makes it impossible Ive heard.I feel for you in that aspect.It really sucks actually.There are places to do it safely and if you have the opportunity,take it up if you feel its something you like.Some of us are happy at home and there is nothing wrong with that.

As they say,teach,dont preach.I want to know what you all think and its just fair to lay out what my mind thinks.

[Nicole Erin]

Kayla it is like this -
people think I am a queer anyways so it is not like me going out en femme or my normal 1/2 en femme is going to ruin some manly man rep. since I don't have that rep.

It is hard to know who haters are cause even the scariest looking men out there might be CD themselves and pretty ones [My gyod have you seen some of the "man" photos of some of the prettiest CDs? You would NEVER think...]

Outed? No for me if someone caught me all it would do is confirm their suspicions. No one is going to tell me "My gyod Mortimer*, I had no idea". I would be confirmed but never "outed".

And safety? Really I just don't go anywhere that I would not go normally. Like even en homme I am not going to go to the ghetto so safety rules are the same.

Besides, I look at things like this - unless someone wants to pay my bills they ain't going to tell me how to live.

And on a little more [whatever that word is] side, I figure hey, what if someone thinks I am cute? :D
I admit that the occasional rude comments do bother me a lot but I figure I can be miserable inside or get out there and enjoy myself as much as I can.

*Mortimer is not my real name.

[Sweet Cindy]

I loved reading your post, Kayla. It sounds like you're at the beginning of a wonderful journey. The start of your new life by your rules. Stories like yours always raise my spirits and my hopes.

While I would love to get out more, I have put my family ahead of my crossdressing. For me, coming out to my wife isn't a risk I'm willing to take. I don't consider it a fear, I consider it a choice. Not that it was an easy decision. I love going out and feel with some help I could even be passable. But again, I love my family life more than dressing. So I'll just live vicariously through you! Who knows, maybe some Halloween I'll get to dress and the dialogue will re-open.

Be safe, be brave and be yourself.

[Sam44]

I feel safe in the Seattle area, the worst thing that's happened to me is a sneer hear and there. During one walk at about three in the morning a fellow started to follow me but when I timed it so that he was in the light and I was more in the dark and I turned around he disappeared. I've walked that route many times over the last four or five years and never seen him any other time.

Once when I was walking at about daybreak and carrying my heals (that was a bad idea: walking in heals :) ) a police car drove by stopped and backed up. I guess because I didn't react at all they assumed everything was fine and drove on.

I should mention that since I have a beard there's no chance that I pass. I don't know if this attracts more derision or perhaps people feel less threatened than if they thought I was trying to pass.

I just feel better when I get out in a skirt or dress for a walk each day, the exercise is good for my body and being in my most comfortable clothing (women's vs. men's) is good for my mind.

[TxKimberly]

. . . Is it worth it?...To me,every single second.

Darn right it is! Not being out and about would be like a bird denied the right to fly . . .

[docrobbysherry]

These r MY reasons, and I'm speaking for no one else!

1. Family, and friends.
With a young teen daughter, she alone is a good
reason to stay inside. No one I know would understand!:Angry3:

2. Phantom of the Opera syndrome!
Like the Phantom, I would upset people wherever I went dressed! With my mask on OR off!:eek:

3. Hassles.
I'm way past 21. And way past the, " If that guy looks at me funny I'll kick his ass!", attitude. Why go around knowing u will be laughed at, insulted, and treated strangely by most everyone u meet? I don't need that in my life!:doh:

4. Enjoying the CD experience.
It takes me a hour just to assemble an outfit, etc. before I dress. I enjoy that relaxing yet exciting and fun time! If I screw up that CD session, fine. Tank the pics and do better next time! If I was prepping to go out, I would be nervous as a frog in a frying pan! It would take me longer to prep and I would be worried about doing something wrong, or forgetting to do something! Does that sound like fun?:)

I'm thrilled for u, Kayla and jealous also, of ANYONE who goes out dressed! Please have fun for us closet folks who must live vicariously thru u all!:hugs:

[Sara Jessica]

I've wrestled with many of these same issues. I agree with those who have pointed out that we simply go where we'd go anyways. In other words, being mainstream. I don't frequent seedy places so I have no expectation of potential violence aside from what any other gg might expect (which I'd like to think is not of any concern other than simply being careful out there). If somehow I got outed, to quote a good friend of mine, the world isn't likely to explode. I'd deal with it and at the end of the day I think all would be fine. Obviously I would prefer this not to happen so I take my outings outside of a decent radius from my home and work (minimum 20 miles or so, often more). Bottom line, the pros of going out so very much outweigh the cons as long as one makes careful and prudent decisions.

And by the way, I think you can beautifully pull it off!!!

[Alice Torn]

Doc, I don't have a mate, or kids, but DITTOS. I live in a brutal high crime area, with both rednecks, and gangbangers. The risks are pretty high, but, I may try driving dressed some time, and stop to throw trash in a trashcan, like i did 6 months ago. But, going out for me, at six foot six, would bring too much attention, some of which would be no fun.

[Inachis]

It is not that I live in a high crime area, or that I fear I will be assaulted. I have to put my family ahead of everything else. I have two children, one is 23 months old, and the other is eight months old. My wife cannot work right now as she is breastfeeding the youngest. To compound the issue, I have seen how the place in which I work handles "outed" TG/TV/CD's first hand, and I do not wish to be "blackballed" from my chosen profession.

About two years ago we had a TG person who everyone assumed was a female. She dressed the part, acted the part, and even looked very feminine. She made the mistake of coming out to her work partner, who then told as people as they could. In these "PC" times in which we live my job couldn't just outright fire her. So they did the next best thing, and made her life a living hell.The first time that she screwed up and cracked under the pressure they fired her for insubordination, and pressed narcotics charges on her when her drug counts were off. Currently she is no longer employed in the medical field. Her paramedic license was revoked, and I think has started using illegal drugs while fighting a legal battle. So right now I am pretty damned scared of my bosses, and wouldn't dare think of venturing out for fear of running into my work associates. To make this even worse, before any of things happened I signed a contract to the tune of $20,000.00 as a sign on bonus and continued four years of employment, or else I would have quit a long time ago.

I think if things were different I might go out more, but until it changes I AINT' GOING OUT.

[Ciara]

Wow,
I need to jump in on this one! It's truely because of this site that Ciara had the courage to venture out for the first time. Aftr reading several,several post I decided that the time was now or possibly never for me to take that next step.

For me, going out is something I now have to do it's what keeps me happy and content. Natural progression is something I welcoome with my CD'n.

As some of the gurls have stated "going out in public" is not for everyone and that's totally fine.

Lastly, I just want to say to everyone not to wait forever to try it you never know what tomorrow brings...

This site has been a huge part of the woman I am today.

[erickka]

Kayla, I 100% agree with you on every word you wrote. Very well stated facts, indeed.

[Sandra]

Hope you don't mind a GGs point of view :)

When Nigella went 24/7 things changed a lot for us and one of the main things was going out in public. Yes it was hard for both of us but we took the "bull by the horns" and got on and did it. Ok we got and still do a few comments and the stares but mostly we ignore them, well honestly it depends what they say Nigella ignores them I answer back :heehee:

It's opened up a whole new thing for us no longer are we hiding, we've not lost our real friends and have made a lot more, and I don't just mean other cders. Yes I agree for some it is just not possible and a lot of GGs do not want to go that far, but for me well lets just say I wished we done it sooner.:)

[battybattybats]

Pros--- Making the world better, making it easier for others to also be free, standing up for whats right, being a pioneeer, having a greater impact on the world than would otherwise be the case, living a genuine life, allowing people to love you and like you for all of who you are.

But what are the pros and cons of staying in the closet?

Pros--- Short-term increase in safety from violence from strangers copmpared to out people, job and family security so long as you don't slip up.

Cons--- Constant fear of being caught, constant risk of losing family friends and job anyway through being caught with added judgement for keeping it a secret from them, loss of opportunity for being accepted or to find others who will accept you for who you are, having to live a hidden existance, people liking you or loving you for just a portion of you rather than the whole real you, increasing or failing to decrease the long-term problems for all transgender people, increasing or failing to decrease the violence against all transgender people etc etc.

That said I had enough violence in school to be cautious so I'm going a lot more slowly about it. Though for some dancing in between genders is even more provocative.

But as we are everywhere, in all walks of life, every culture religion and community, every class and occupation then we are ourselves an untapped resource!

If we network together, reach out to each other, help each other, forge a community spirit of nurturing support and mutual assistance then we can make it easier even in the most hostile regions, look out for each other when we are in need and to help reverse the discriminations against us.

Not acting for change, being inactive, means choosing the present. Sure the short-term might be safer but it means making a choice that will condemn others! So while not all of us may choose to be out we all can choose to help others and to change the world cause every little bit counts.

[Samantha Kelsey]

Loads of good points so far. I feel sorry for those who think that they just couldn't pass but remember that not many of us do pass all the time. There is always someone who will make you. I have found that no one has ever approached me or passed comment to me.

I think it's far easier going out through the day for the following reasons,
mostly people are busy with their daily routine and tend to notice less.
Very few drunks or yobish groups about.
It's easier to blend in as there are usually more real women about.
Most women tend to not look as glamorous through the day and so if you dress similarly its easy to blend in.
You're more likley to see a lone woman through the day than at 2oclock in the morning.

[KarenEdwards]

Although it's not what everyone wants or needs to do, I decided a long time ago that I would "go out" as Karen as often as possible. I set some rules for myself, though. They were to: (1) try looking as good as possible and dress in a manner appropriate to where I would be going, (2) be myself and not try overly hard to fool anyone, (3) be friendly, (4) never, ever go out within 50 miles of home. That last one was because of a desire to protect my family from embarrassment and because I had a good job I didn't want to lose.

I, too, live in the south (South Carolina, to be exact), the very buckle of the bible belt. I can honestly say that I have never yet had a bad experience. Lots of people knew that I was a CD because I never tried to be anything else, but the acceptance and understanding I received from those I met was way beyond anything I expected. I became friends with many of them.

I frequently had dinner at a Ruby Tuesday's and got to know one of the waitresses fairly well. I asked her one night (she never saw me in male mode) what she would do if she found that her fiancé was a crossdresser. She answered by saying that since she had met me, she could certainly live with it and no longer thought it was such a weird thing. I will never forget that...

[KandisTX]

Is it worth it?...To me,every single second.

:iagree::yt::yrtw::yt::iagree:

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Cindi Johnson]

Regarding the con's: I believe we tend to overstate this "hate and violence" thing. I surely haven't witnessed any during hundreds and hundreds of outings. Sometimes I've been accepted, but mostly I've been ignored. People, at least the great majority, simply don't care how a person dresses. And, the better one gets at being feminine (practice makes perfect, as they say), the less anyone notices you.

Regarding pro's: it's hard to explain the need to be true to one's self. I doubt that non-TG's will ever get it. But being ignored is fine with me.

Cindi Johnson

[carolinoakland]

I started going out more and more. I started at private gatherings, and then started going to group outtings. Then I went to my first transgender convention. I spent three days full time, from that point on I knew it wasn't a fetish, it was my real personality. I continued going out in private. Meaning I would leave my house as boi, go somewhere to change, go out, and then go back to change back to boi mode and then go home. Well being a bit lazy ( ha!) I started just going straight home en femme, and realized that this was a lot easier than all this running around. And when I knew that it wasn't a fetish, that I really was a transgendered woman who needs to live that way. I knew that until I could leave my own house as Carol then I wasn't living my life. So, I did it, and all the things I've worried about from the neighbors have not come to pass, in fact I got a positive reaction. So now, I'm full time in my home. I'm very andro at work, I'm lucky that the attire for men is the same for women ( black jeans with black logo t or polo. ) but it just gives me such a warm glow knowing that I'm in the " right " clothes. And yes, they do fit me better. I've also begun to wear light make up full time now, at home, and at work. In the three weeks only one person, a GG, has noticed. And even then she knows about Carol and we just happened to be nose to nose. And her comment was " I like you're mascara!". One of the lesbian women I work with, when I told her about my decision to transition to being a woman exclaimed " Good? We need more women in this Union! " , made me feel accepted. And Kayla, you're right, what works for me and my life doesn't mean that it will work or be right for you. Baby steps honey. Carol

[charlie]

Hello DD!
The Pros of going out and about are that it makes me feel good. I used to get the perfect outfit, get showered and all made up. Donned the nylons and heels and just admired myself and took it all off. It felt OK, but I felt cheated. I wanted feedback from others and interaction as a woman. Had to go out to get that.

The CONs are obvious. We can get either our feelings hurt out there or possibly our nose! Society does not understand us and as such sees us as strange, devious, unbalanced and perverts. Not a very good list of traits to be off and mixing with. Also, you can be outed by your fellow workers and friends. For me the Pros easily outweigh the Cons. I must get out and about. I love the feeling of wearing my current outfit and getting positive comments about my look. I love interacting with others and being and feeling accepted. I love walking down the street and hearing my heels going click click, my feminine clothes making nylon sounds, the rush of cool air up my dress and my dress swaying. So far it is all good.

[Kayla Shadows]

Hope you don't mind a GGs point of view :)



I dont mind at all :) you are deffinately welcome to comment.Im glad you have such a good time


What's all this rubbish about "it's all right to go out so long as you pass" ?

I agree that you dont have to be passable to have fun with your friends and go out.You made a lot of good points.We have to use our heads to be safe



Regarding the con's: I believe we tend to overstate this "hate and violence" thing. I surely haven't witnessed any during hundreds and hundreds of outings.

Not even being out I see it all the time.Being on a different site with regular people I constantly get hate messages.

Melissa Andrews,a 16 year old cd, constantly has classmates routinely call her everything you can think of.

Lawrence King was also just a kid and killed for being himself,out as gay and wearing makeup to school.10 days after that,another was murdered in florida

From a FBI Intelligence report,in 2002 there were 14 murders and 13 more by the end of September 2003.

NCAVP’s 2007 report noted a 24% increase of anti-LGBT violence.The number of rose from 1,486 in 2006 to 1,833 in 2007.

Im sure many incidents are not reported or regarded as a hate crime.

So far in 2008,someone who is LGBT,murders are 1 person every 8 days.

[MJ]

So far in 2008,someone who is LGBT,murders are 1 person every 8 days.

thats not very reassuring so i better enjoy myself until my number's up

[Sally K]

I really like your attitude. however, nowhere in your diatribe did I sense an acknowledgement of the incredible role DD plays in your life. No where else on this site have I observed a wife or SO who is more supportive of you than she is. Yet, your demands/expectations are all centered on yourself. I was so hoping to read a shared vision, or at least a meaningful set of expectations. What I read, instead, was DD giving, and you taking. Forgive me if I have misunderstood. Somehow I don't think so.

[tamarav]

When I started working as a hair stylist dressed, I had some concerns about the local gangs and the seedy folks that seem to be around, no matter where you go. What I realized very shortly was that people only see you as you allow them to see you. I don't look like a victim, I hold my head up and walk with a purpose.

After about 20 years of actually going out and being met face on by total strangers at almost every turn, I am pretty confident that we pose a greater risk to our own mental status than outsiders.

Approximately half of the world population is female, what difference are just one or two hundred thousand CDs going to make?

Us common sense (go figure!) go where it is safe, and enjoy life.

Your sis,

Tami

[Kayla Shadows]

thats not very reassuring so i better enjoy myself until my number's up

I dont want to scare anybody but at the same time I wouldnt ever to play it as "perfectly safe".If we are all smart about how we do it,we can keep ourselves safer.The majority of the most violent cases I have come across with tg people involved not being honest to men with their real sex and prostitution.

[Vickii*]

I've never gone outside dressed up. If I ever do, it will probably be in another city other than my hometown. I don't feel a strong desire to go outside dressed up either. That's just me though.

[DemonicDaughter]

I really like your attitude. however, nowhere in your diatribe did I sense an acknowledgement of the incredible role DD plays in your life. No where else on this site have I observed a wife or SO who is more supportive of you than she is. Yet, your demands/expectations are all centered on yourself. I was so hoping to read a shared vision, or at least a meaningful set of expectations. What I read, instead, was DD giving, and you taking. Forgive me if I have misunderstood. Somehow I don't think so.

Sally, if you would permit me to respond here. Kayla is, without any doubt in my mind, NOT a selfish nor self-centered individual in the least! She is more loving and more understanding than any partner I have ever had. We do not post our private life here, as we believe its just that - private. She does not need to acknowledge my support for her being herself. She does not need to thank me for her doing what she sees fit in her life. And I'm too much of a loud mouth to ever let someone take advantage of my good nature. :heehee:

As for my role in her coming out... well, I tend to believe I really haven't done much of anything other than truly accept her. And I don't need thanks for that. :)

I also tend to feel that if someone feels truly appreciative they express it without anyone ever having to point it out. I've never complained on here about her, because she shows me every day just how much she loves and respects me.

I do thank you for your concern and truly appreciate you wanting to give voice to your thoughts.
:love:

[Kayla Shadows]

I really like your attitude. however, nowhere in your diatribe did I sense an acknowledgement of the incredible role DD plays in your life. No where else on this site have I observed a wife or SO who is more supportive of you than she is. Yet, your demands/expectations are all centered on yourself. I was so hoping to read a shared vision, or at least a meaningful set of expectations. What I read, instead, was DD giving, and you taking. Forgive me if I have misunderstood. Somehow I don't think so.

What did I demand?This is about going out.I acknowledged how DD helped my mind change.

The breakdown...heres my post...sentence by sentence...


I have been out for two great evenings and plan on much much more.And frequently.

Demands??

The beginning of leaving that old boring life behind started not too long ago.I don’t ever see myself going back to how things were.

Demands??

I didn’t think any of this was possible in my life,I knew no other crossdressers,nobody knew I did this and I never felt like me.

Demands??

The way my mind has changed through coming out to DD,coming here,meeting new people and going out…its…there is no other feeling in the world like feeling free and being yourself.

Theres DD...Demands??

From this point and on,whatever happens,this is who I am first..

Demand?? All this says is,I am a crossdresser and I cant change that.

Expectations?? You bet.I seek to enjoy life.If thats wrong then I may as well not be living.


The rest is thoughts from my brain.No demands there either.

[Nicole Erin]

I feel bad for those sisters who just do not have the option of going out. I feel lucky that I am afforded this opportunity. I don't have anything really to lose like a good job or a lot of money. Anyone who calls himself a friend knows about Erin anyways and in some cases has never seen the male side. I guess I am one of the first to complain every time someone talks crap to me but I would rather have that than have to hide.

I live in a huge city, I don't have a spectacular job or a lot of money so no worries about losing that, I have friends and family and coworkers who know, there are clubs and a few CD groups here...

I feel very rich with my freedom, I only wish I could share some of that wealth with our sisters who have none of that in their femme lives. :sad:

As far as the murders and violence, I don't think we are even close to being the ones who have it worst.
I don't know how to word what I wanted to say but anyways think of this - you don't see campaigns to "get those CDs off the streets" like you do gangs.

We are not even CLOSE to being the most hated people in society. We may suffer social consequences but society as a whole is not out to shut us down.

I just hope on my next outing, someone doesn't decide to make me a statistic.

[jennifer41356]

I go out all the time...I am lucky , I am not real tall and I have a pretty fem voice, so it may help me keep up the illusion...but it has been one heck of a nice ride and I aint about to give it up yet...so many more dresses to try on:thumbup::Party2: