How do I tell her?

[Kayla_CD]

Yes, I've read the sticky post.

Yes, I've thought about it to no end.

No, I still don't know how to tell her.

I posted a story about shopping for Halloween costumes with my girlfriend recently http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=91322. A number of you read it and commented, but really I'm left with more questions than answers. The gist of the story is that my girlfriend loved the idea of me dressing as a french maid and we had a great time shopping, but she still does not know that I dress. We have been together for over a year now and I don't want to progress our relationship any further without sharing this with her.

Now here's my question: how do I bring it up?

a) This weekend when I see her have 'the talk'
b) This weekend let her know that it is something I like doing and am really looking forward to Halloween (more casual)
c) Wait until after Halloween to gauge her response to me actually being dressed

Mitigating factors:

- she loves Halloween and I'm worried about ruining it for her
- if I tell her now and she's accepting it'll make the night that much better
- if I wait and tell her after it'll seem like I was lying to her when I was dressing
- we are not the type to have 'the talk'

At the end of this post I realize that I'm thinking out loud and if you're reading it, I appreciate that. Any insights would be helpful but please be gentle. Last time I put myself out on this forum I was really hurt, I'm fragile.

[Nicole Erin]

Just say "well look I gotta tell you something but don't be freaking out or acting stupid..."

If she was all into the french maid bit, I think it is safe to say that she will probably be cool with the fact that you CD.

I think you are worrying too much.

[Jilmac]

Well Kayla, I can only tell you from my experience. I came out to my SO about a year ago and it was sort of like your B response. I told her first and foremost that it was a part of my being and how much I enjoyed doing it. If your SO is as open as you say, then I don't think there would a problem coming out to her. It might even make your halloween together much more fun than you imagined.:2c:

[Zenith]

Why not first go ahead with Halloween and see how receptive she is...then take it from there?

[Schatten Lupus]

Myself, I was in a way pressured by guilt into coming out to my girlfriend. She rants about how much she hates people who are fake almost at least every other day, and having that on top of her noticing something was deeply bothering me, I worked up the guts to just tell her. Definitely was not easy though. But it was worth it in the end.

[Farrah]

Ask her, What would she thought about you dressing like that more often. See what her response is and go from there. Tell her the story then.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kayla

I suggest you read the link in my signature on telling your partner

It has lots of good advice which you will find useful

[Jonianne]

When my wife told me that she was interested in me in more than just friendship, I knew I had to let her know before our relationship got too serious. I just told her "There is something you need to know about me" and shared about my crossdressing. She asked the 2 typical questions and later called me and said she did not care what cloths I liked to wear, she just loved me.

I think it is vital to let her know about something this important in your life so that it can be fair for her and you. If by chance she has a serious problem with it, is best for her to know now than years later. However if she loves you, I bet she will be willing to work it out.

[JiffyJ]

I wouldn't necessarily take her being enthusiastic about dressing for Halloween, as suggesting she would be OK with crossdressing.
They're two different things.

Several years ago, well before I told my SO (who is unable to accept it), we went to a party and she got me to dress up as a nurse.
She thought it was great, but since I told her of my need to crossdress, she now looks back on that event with different eyes, and doesn't particularly like it.

Think carefully about the possible outcomes, and whether you're prepared to deal with them. It may go well, it may not.

[KandisTX]

Here's my thoughts on this;

Start the conversation like this;

"Honey, there's a reason I made the suggestion about going in drag on Halloween, and I feel I should tell you what that reason is."

Here you have opened the door for a more detailed conversation and you leave yourself an out. If she does not seem to be receptive to the idea, you can say "I've never done it before and thought it'd be a kick". But then you could also tell her "This is who and what I am".

Nobody here is going to be able to tell you how or when the time is right for you to have "The Talk", but we can only advise you as to how to go about starting it. Once the cat is out of the bag, it's impossible to put it back in there.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[RylieCD]

Two very hard decisions to make. I once thought CD'ing was a phase and once I had someone in my life it would all go away (Wrong). OK, then i need to tell her but how and when?, I tried feeling her out on the issue but that wasny helpful and i kept chickening out. So I tried to hide and eventually became careless and she found out by herself, even worse. So not only did I hide, I was also lying. I applaud you for telling your SO and telling her early. Good luck

[Vickii*]

My girlfriend seemed fine with me crossdressing, she joked about it a lot, and she even dressed me up in her clothes and makeup once. But when I told her, she was extremely shattered. It was a very tough time. She's staying with me but she never wants to hear about it again and she wishes that I never told her. I didn't feel any better after I told her either. It may be different for you, but this was my experience.

[pinkeverything]

I've been a single dad since soon after I told her. I get nasty text messages and threats almost daily, told regularly that I am a sick ******* and that the judge will take my daughter away.

I know that it's fear that makes her behave this way, but make no mistake, it's a really fukin' ugly on my home front right now.

[Michelle_NY]

Just tell her the truth like I did hon, I think you are better off in the end. I very much hate lie to anybody about anything. The only thing I guess is our little hobby now on occasion. Take care Michelle

[Donnadcd]

I wish I had your dilemma. I've been too chicken to tell my wife, and we've never had a situation where we could test the water without jumping in with both feet - you do.

At least its a way to get it out in the open. Her reaction will be the same whether you tell her beforehand or not. But by waiting, you get to see if you are in for a letdown once you do tell her.

It's not THE answer, it's just my 2 cents.

[Vickii*]

Sorry Vicki, I don't understand. She seemed fine with you crossdressing, but when you told her, she was extremely shattered? What on earth did you tell her - that it was an incurable psychosis?

Katie B

When she dressed me up, it was more of an innocent joke. When I told her that I like to dress up like a girl for sexual pleasure, that's when she got really creeped out. I think that's understandable.

[Jennifer Cox]

Firstly, I think you should tell her before she finds out.

I don't think that need be before this Halloween. I think you should just enjoy it. If she likes you dressed, then she might accept it more easily, but don't necessarily expect her to accept your CDing. I think many women like the idea of dressing their men for fun, but don't like it if they do. At least that seems to be my wife's stance.

Basically, enjoy the night, then tell her. If she accepts it, then there'll be plenty more nights, if not, at least you have that one to look back on! :daydreaming:

[BrianaMarie]

Kayla,
I would have to agree with the others, definitely tell her before she finds out on her own.But I would wait until after Halloween, get dressed up, go all out, relax and enjoy the night. Take it all in and see how it goes.

I am a GG and recently found out my best friend is a CD. I am extremely opened minded and support him 100%. I love him for all that he is on the inside and not for his choice in clothes or desire to dress. Regardless of that, he is ultimately the same person I've always known. I can see where many SO's feel they have been deceived, especially if they've been in a relationship for many years. But on the same hand if your girlfriend loves you for you, for the person you are on the inside what has really changed in the relationship besides the clothes she may see in your closet? It's definitely something that you should approach carefully, if you know her well enough you will know the right time and place to approach it. If she freaks out, it sounds to me that it's going to be her lose.

[charlie]

Hello Kayla!
Don't make a big deal of this now. You only have until Halloween to get off the hook. Go get your French Maid costume, have a good time. Be as bubbly as you feel. The next day..November1, tell her that you loved being in that costume. Tell her you want to wear the satin panties from the costume to bed with her and make passionate love. Try on the wig when she is home one day. Then without dressing one night tell her that you loved dressing up and want to do it more often then just Halloween. If she blows up and thinks it is weird, then you can go back underground. Same place you are now. If she warms to the subject, you have what you want and a partner to share this side of you with.

[Cathytg]

I told my first wife after we were married. I told my second wife before we were married. Before was a whole lot better.

I would suggest that tell her now, well before Halloween. Either that or go dressed as a pirate or a fireman. She is liable to think that you are using her favorite holiday as an excuse to get your own gains. Just be honest and as simple as you can.

[susan fuller]

Whatever you do be honest and open with her. Answer all her questions and let her know how you feel about the CDing and about her. Let her know that you are you no matter how you are dressed. Communications is the key to success.

[marny]

Tell her before. If you wait until after and try the 'Geee, I enjoyed that and I would like to do it more' you'll get one of two responses. She may think it's her fault for suggesting OR she'll figure out your scamming her and say bye now.

[Sally2005]

I am in the same boat with my wife. However, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to opeing up to others. I'm going to wait until after halloween because she will notice how much I enjoyed dressing up. When she starts the conversation the following day about what fun the party was and makes some remark about my costume, I plan to ask her if she likes my dressing up. Then I'll go from there, I think she will say it doesn't bother her, so I'll say something like do you think I could pass in daylight? ...if yes, I'm going to ask her if she wants to have some fun and try it with me... This is when the big questions start I think... and I spill the beans on doing some research on the subject and explain where I sit on the CDing scale and appologize for my previous failed attempts to admit it to her.

Reasons I would wait until after... Halloween is focused on having a party, it is not a great time to be serious. Before the party is stressful with getting ready and everything, after is relaxing and hopefully refreshed. I don't want her stress to increased to an even higher level with the uncertainty (she will be wondering why you told her, and she will have a lot of questions...like is this the end of the relationship as she knows it). You will need some quiet time discuss with her so it is best to do it when you are both relaxed.

[theresa]

I remember the night I told my wife. The most frightening night of my life, everything was on the line. It turned out to be the most wonderful night of my life, I was accepted at last and was free to be myself. We've shared my CD'g ever since and it is a part of what defines us.

But it could have just as easily been a horrible night that would have lived on in my worst memories. All I knew at the time was that I couldn't go on any longer without sharing my "secret" with her and hoping we could work it out from there.

All I can suggest is that you really should open up and share your CD'g with her. The problem is to find the right place, the right time. The time needs to be right for you as much as for her. A close intimate talk perhaps. But don't wait too long, if she discovers your CD'g before you open up, I think there is a great deal of trust lost. Honesty is always the best policy, but timing is everything!

I hope the best for you.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Best thing I ever did was make the confession to my wife with the help of a few very informative internet sites, in particular

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

She ain't ecstatic, but she is understanding and mostly accepting. Good luck which ever way you go

[Shelly67]

It's easy to pass on advice , after all written words cannot reflect the situation totally as I,ve no idea on youre partners personality . However you do , and because of that only you can really decide to deal with it . It can be either a negative or positive reaction . I think if the issue is dealt with correctly then either way , good or bad the outcome , niether of you can deny you only wanted to be open and totally honest . Lies really hurt and deception breeds mistrust .
The only advice I think may be relevant is go very slowly . Infact , if you really want to come out to her gauge the situation , be ready to back off if emotions show in a negative reaction.
Perhaps , if you could sit down , tell her you love her , you wish to include her in all aspects of youre life , and out of respect that you wish to hide nothing from her , then go from there . You must certainly be ready to support her . I,d be very sensative to her reactions , do this in a warm manner , try not to frighten her . Then once you,ve opened up , back off . Listen to her , let her speak with no interuption , leave her to contemplate it all and gain her trust .
There may be the odd spat , fight even , but if you love her , and the same is in return then I think you may have a good chance of over coming anything together .

Good luck.

[Kayla_CD]

Wow, the response to this question has been incredible! I'm still reading my way through them all and I have a lot to think about, but thank you all for being so supportive.

[Donnadcd]

I am in the same boat with my wife. However, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to opeing up to others. I'm going to wait until after halloween because she will notice how much I enjoyed dressing up. When she starts the conversation the following day about what fun the party was and makes some remark about my costume, I plan to ask her if she likes my dressing up. Then I'll go from there, I think she will say it doesn't bother her, so I'll say something like do you think I could pass in daylight? ...if yes, I'm going to ask her if she wants to have some fun and try it with me... This is when the big questions start I think... and I spill the beans on doing some research on the subject and explain where I sit on the CDing scale and appologize for my previous failed attempts to admit it to her.

Reasons I would wait until after... Halloween is focused on having a party, it is not a great time to be serious. Before the party is stressful with getting ready and everything, after is relaxing and hopefully refreshed. I don't want her stress to increased to an even higher level with the uncertainty (she will be wondering why you told her, and she will have a lot of questions...like is this the end of the relationship as she knows it). You will need some quiet time discuss with her so it is best to do it when you are both relaxed.

I think this is the absolute best advice anyone has given you so far.

[Inachis]

How about you start out with "Honey, I have something to tell you", and go from there.

When its all said and done is it really going to matter whether or not you broke it to her in the right way? If she accepts it then great, and if she doesn't then she never was to begin with. I would not wait till after Halloween as it just might piss her off that you witheld this until after you went out. :2c:

[kristinacd55]

Kayla, Have fun at Halloween and tell her afterwards!

[Sheila]

With honesty, and an understanding that she may not understand it, and as soon as possible, leaving it till after halloween is for me as a GG another lie by ommision, Good luck:hugs:

[veroncia57]

I agree with Charlie. After the Halloween party you could just say that you never thought that women's clothes never felt so good and that you wouldn't mind trying it again with her approval.

[mykhelee]

I would wait until after the party and then be HONEST about your attraction to wearing the finer things in life. None of this "golly gee, I never knew" :brolleyes:malarky. If you cannot be honest and open...why bother at all. Most of the women I know think cd=bi or gay. Hard to break the training of youth.
good luck

[Raven Wynter Rayne]

question: how many non-cross dressers dress up as french maids for halloween??
start wearing Your 'costume' now and do house work to "get the feel of it" then tell Her You really enjoy it, if She is understanding great!! if not She needs to know before You get too involved or worse married it would be bad for both of You!! either way She must know soon!!

[MJ]

With honesty, and an understanding that she may not understand it, and as soon as possible, leaving it till after halloween is for me as a GG another lie by ommision, Good luck:hugs:

Jess beat me to it.. you tell her with love, honesty, and compassion. you need to sit her down and you should have information printed out to give her and you MUST stay put and answer all her question and reassure that you love her and thats why you want to come clean

[Jennifer Cox]

Hi again Kayla,

If you're finding that it's a big issue, then tell her before Halloween, else leave it until afterwards. Don't push this. I get the impression that you want to reveal this for your own ends, and that you're not really considering her feelings. It's an easy trap to fall into.

Years ago at a party and seeing someone dressed, my wife said that she wanted to dress me as a woman. Then when I told her I was a CDer she couldn't accept it - CONTRARY OR WHAT!!!!

Just be warned.

Love Jenny.

[AKAMichelle]

I have told 3 people now about my crossdressing.

The first was my wife. That didn't go so well. Especially since we have 20+ years together and the hiding, lies and betrayal were the big issues. Since then I have told 2 girlfriends. The first one accepted, but never wanted to go out together. The second one goes out with me all the time. I think the biggest mistake is not being honest with ourselves and others.

You have to go through the door or live in the closet forever. Each of us face this dilemna. I found that speaking from your heart is your best tool to deal with crossdressing. Sometimes walking out the door is tough, but I personally think sharing this with someone is harder. It's your choice.

If you never take the chance then you lose. So just do it!

[Toni_Lynn]

I am of the opinion that if you are going to tell her, you have to be totally and frightfully honest and be prepared to answer every question that may come up from are you gay to how often do you do this to when did you start to do you want to become a woman.

I think that you also have to be prepared to lose her or a part of your relationship with her. I hate to sound scary there, but it is a truthful fact.

I feel that the best way though is via total loving tenderness and letting her know that, and I've said this before, the girl within you will never be more important to you than her.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[bobbiewpb]

if it was me id wait to near the end of the evening of halloween and start talking about how nice it feels dressed in womans clothes and see what her reaction is try to get her on the topic of you dressing then try telling her your real feelings

[trisha11]

I would approach it very carefully. Dressing up for Halloween is one thing and telling her that your a cd and enjoy dressing more often is another thing. I would do Halloween as planned, and see how receptive she is to you dressing. Halloween may even be the ice breaker that your looking for to approach the subject. I know how hard it is to reveal your dressing to someone else. You do put yourself out there and take a huge risk at the reaction of your SO but if your dressing is a part of your life and it means that much to you, you should take that risk and share it with the special person in your life. I have told three GG's in my life. All of them have reacted differently. One of my first girlfriends was okay with it and I even wore her panties sometimes, my soon to be exwife was not okay with it and she has turned my dressing into a circus story and has used it against me in my divorce and in the custody battle over my son. My best GG friend just recently found out and has taken the subject to heart and has done hours and hours of research and has even joined this forum to understand. I guess what I am trying to say is that you should eventually tell her if she means that much to you, you should tell her if dressing means that much to you, but be aware that people handle news like this very very different and there is no way of telling how she will respond.

trisha

[Angie G]

When I came out to my wife I played it sneaky with the It's not fair thing girls can wear skirts thing. I'd go to Halloween when I A dressed up and say something like this feels good I think I'd like to do this more often. Or something like that. But my wife knows it a part of my In my heredity.:hugs:
Angie

Just talk to her don't jurk abound I did it like that and it was a longer geting to were i wanted to be. Tell the truth do the Q&A and what happens happens hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Kayla_CD]

I am in the same boat with my wife. However, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to opeing up to others. I'm going to wait until after halloween because she will notice how much I enjoyed dressing up. When she starts the conversation the following day about what fun the party was and makes some remark about my costume, I plan to ask her if she likes my dressing up. Then I'll go from there, I think she will say it doesn't bother her, so I'll say something like do you think I could pass in daylight? ...if yes, I'm going to ask her if she wants to have some fun and try it with me... This is when the big questions start I think... and I spill the beans on doing some research on the subject and explain where I sit on the CDing scale and appologize for my previous failed attempts to admit it to her.

Reasons I would wait until after... Halloween is focused on having a party, it is not a great time to be serious. Before the party is stressful with getting ready and everything, after is relaxing and hopefully refreshed. I don't want her stress to increased to an even higher level with the uncertainty (she will be wondering why you told her, and she will have a lot of questions...like is this the end of the relationship as she knows it). You will need some quiet time discuss with her so it is best to do it when you are both relaxed.

Sally, this is terrific advice and I think many of the others here agree. This is what I'll do. It's okay to wait until after Halloween, and possibly even better now that I think about it.

Thank you to everyone that helped me figure this out. :hugs:

I'm sure you'll be seeing a new post early in November. Let's hope it's a happy one.