To rant or not to rant lol!!!

[Felix]

Well where to start hmmmmm!!!!!
It was my annual review at work yesterday and it went well really I can't complain got loads of positive feed back which was great but I just couldn't get a grip of it yeterday coz I was feeling so low I asked them to get some help in for the staff coz feel that they need to be educated coz the way things are my dysphoria is driving me nuts and the constant reminders that I'm a genetic female no disrespect to anyone else, is driving me nuts, quite leterally!!!!! I tried to explain how the dysphoria affects me and it left me feeling like I'd been stripped naked I got very upset and even cried which has been building up for weeks so the right buttons got pressed and there ya go I did cry. How did that make me feel well although I as a man think there is no reason why I shouldn't cry I felt weak, rediculous, inadequate and foolish It didn't matter that I was told I did not look those things coz I felt so low and so awful about stuff that nothing mattered. Last night I wanted to get blasted to forget everything but I knew logically this was not the best course of action so I didn't. Oh Jez the thoughts running through my head last night I couldn't believe and I was ashamed of myself at points. I battled with them I won thank god!!!! I felt so alone even though I'm not how rediculous or maybe not!! I don't know I asked if there was any way I could get more funding for counselling coz my counsellor thinks it would be good for me until I get support from Leeds which OMG I wish they would hurry up coz I feel most days I'm living in some alter reality its a night mare I'm so lucky to have Dan he gives me so much and I hope I do the same for him I explained how I am having panic attacks again and that I have found coping mechanisms so that I can function on a day to day basis. They was pleased that I have found ways to deal when I'm at work. Its just so hard and I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be being out at work and how totally drained I am feeling because of it all the time. Well enough babbling and thanx for listening xx Felix

[John]

awww :hugs:

[Felix]

Thanx John xx Felix :)

[Sandra]

Felix the staff need to get their act in order, the odd silp up is to be expected but if it is constant then something needs to be said.
I do hope things improve for you at work with this.

:hugs:

[Sarah...]

Well where to start hmmmmm!!!!!
It was my annual review at work yesterday and it went well really ..... l although I as a man think there is no reason why I shouldn't cry ..... I wanted to get blasted to forget everything but I knew logically this was not the best course of action so I didn't. ...... I couldn't believe and I was ashamed of myself at points. I battled with them I won thank god!!!! ..... I have found coping mechanisms so that I can function on a day to day basis.

That all sounds really difficult Felix. I'm no longer in a business where we do annual reviews, but I did have nine years of it and even though I was not anywhere near out throughout that time they were emotionally draining experiences. I also trained as a business coach during my time in that business and reading your "rant" (and there's nothing wrong with a rant by the way) I saw such a lot of strength (I've quoted it above, which is a bit selective, but that's the feeling I got from your post) that I think you should be proud of yourself. I really do. Your strength is an inspiration to me. I'm nowhere near as out as you are and I'm having difficulty with establishing what's next as it is. So let's hear it for inner strength. You've got it in spades and I admire that. Well done.

Sarah...

[Wren]

Sounds sucky... Ranting always helps though.

I hear where your emotions are all coming from, I have the luxury of just falling back into female self when the going gets tough.. I'd imagine were I you I'd want to 'HULK SMASH' everything, I hope you are feeling better though.

[Felix]

Thanx Sandra and yeah you are right thats why I have asked for help for them in the way of training. I mean it wll be upto them if they decide to take it up but I hope they do coz it will help everyone all ways round :)

Hi Sarah and thanx for your kind words of encouragement they mean a lot :) Sometimes I do find it hard to pull on my inner strength to b honest. Sometimes I jus wanna stick my head in the sand and hide if the truth be known :( Sometimes I think and feel that I'm not allowed to show weakness which I know is crazy but its how I percieve certain situations. Maybe its the conditioning I've had as to how a man is supposed to be in conflict with how I think a man should be which causes the problem, who knows? I know for sure I been finding it hard to hide how I'm feeling lately, not in work, lol I've become quite good at hiding how I really feel. Even peeps I been working with for years are having problems knowing whats going on in my head. When I'm at home though thats different and the walls do come down, well to some. In the private space I really am myself and that is such a mixture of things. Think I will elaborate in a separae post.... :)

Hi Wren and cheers my friend :) Yeah I know what ya saying coz in a way I was living a double life until I came out fully at work 6 weeks ago. Well I been dressing male for over two years but to actually tell everbody hey I'm a transsexual well thats a whole new ball game!! Now I'm off the fence It's reality and I want the respect that deserves. That may seem over the top to some but not to me!!!

xx Felix :)

[ZenFrost]

I'm sorry about the dysphoria, I know how much it can suck. :hugs: I hope you're feeling better now though.

[Felix]

Hi Zen yeah I feel not too bad today and hopefully it won't go into over drive today in school :) I dunno whats up with me right now I just feel unsettled and I hate feeling like it y know what I mean Hun. I'm a terror for stability and when I feel like I do it kinda affects me to my core no matter how hard I try to evade it. Instability is a very unsettling thing for me its like shifting sand and that not good :( Blah I need to ground myself coz I feel I'm being pulled all over right now and its like yuck :( xx Felix