Being realistic

[Kate Simmons]

Due to the death of a close family member recently, I've been seriously mulling things over this past week and trying to figure out just why I do what I do and what my real purpose is for being who I am.It certainly was not easy seeing the effect on the family nor was it easy seeing my family all together again for the memorial service, the memories tended to be overwhelming at times. I was wondering what would have happened if I never pursued finding out who I was and getting in touch with myself and my feelings.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that the world, at least my world, is much better off because of who I am. While it can be difficult at times to deal with ostracism, opinionated people and prejudice, it is sometimes worth it to put forth the effort to be myself, if not just for myself but to demonstrate how one can feel a lot freer by just being one's self. It's hard and easy at the same time and sometimes it comes at a great personal price which I know more than most all too well. My friend was pointing this out to me last night and I know he is right.

In no way do I consider myself a "poster child" for what being TG is all about, rather I see it as an opportunity to show that a person can be themself in today's world despite all the pressures to be otherwise. Realistically I know I have obligations as my guy self and have no problem with that. The difference is that I have integrated the feelings and what I do is always a choice rather than a necessity or a compulsion. That kind of freedom can be tricky to manage sometimes and the only real way to stop from "going over the top" is by being grounded in reality as it presents itself.

Reality in that sense becomes somewhat subjective to the individual person and my particular reality may be different from someone else's. The point is to go with what works for us because we are the ones who have to manage it.

Even so, it gets tempting at times to return to what was but as my friend pointed out, I have conquered my own particular demons and to go backwards would erase everything I have accomplished to this point. The long and short of it is that it is incumbent on myself to continue moving forward in this journey despite seeming obstacles. It's no so much haveing a "cause" as it is being a real person and that alone makes it worth the effort to me.:)

[Sissy_Audrey]

First let me say that i am soo sorry for your loss. A death in the family is rather difficult to navigate. However, such introspection, and self questioning is beautiful. So few people put forth the effort to really analyze their lives, and them selves. Thank you for sharing :)

[Jonianne]

Hi Arianna,

I am sorry to hear about the death of a close family member of yours.


........it can be difficult at times to deal with ostracism, opinionated people and prejudice.......

Are you open to your family and receive some sort of harrassment? I think you are talking about being true to yourself as well balancing others reality while in relationship with them?

I think that is one of the most difficult things to do for those of us who are (sometimes overly) sensitive to those around us. Where to find that balance is an ongoing question.

[Holly]

Arianna, I too am sorry for your loss :hugs:. I think you and your friend are right, however. being anything less than true to yourself would make any overture you make to anyone else false and meaningless. How can one express love, joy, sorrow and so on unless it comes from the essence of who they really are? Anything else would be contrived and manufactured... not real.

[Kayla Shadows]

I too,am very sorry for your loss Arianna.You are right though, being who you are is worth it.For going back to the way things were,to me,it feels like going back to a life that was a lie.Being someone who people think Im "supposed" to be and not my true self.Ive questioned why many time but,it always leads back to this is who I am.I accept it and now its time for other people to decide.Im me and I cant change that so people only have the option of likeing me or not.We are being realistic with ourselves and not existing through a life of fiction.

[Denise01]

Hi Arianna:

I too am so sorry to hear of your Loss.

Understand what you are going through, as I lost my Sis over 12 years ago and there still is not a week goes by that i do not think of her.

I have had the TG tendancies for many years, and it was just after her passing, that I finally realized that I am who I am, and came out to myself, and in time with more confidence to the community.

Since my coming out , I feel that I am the person that I should have been, and feel much more comfortable and realaxed when i am out

Denise

[shannonsilk]

I enjoy reading your posts. You made realize that there could be more to it than just dressing up. You made me aware that it could effect my entire mindset by integrating the various facets of my personality. I know you have put a lot of thought into your motivations and I appreciate that you share thme with us.

[Sara Jessica]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope the sincere well-wishers in here make you feel at least a little better.

There's something in your thoughtful post which struck me...


Even so, it gets tempting at times to return to what was...

Is that even a realistic possibility? I presume you have let the genie out of the bottle, so to speak, and if so, it'd be kind of hard to put her back. The degree to which one comes out to others, be it family, friends or the community is such a difficult decision but one that does evolve. As evolution moves forward, it cannot forget the past.

[Kate Simmons]

Thank you my friends for all of you heartfelt expressions, they mean a lot.The toughest part is the fact that my son is now a young 32 year old widower who has the task of raising two small boys alone. I will do my part as father and grandfather to help to the best of my ability.

As I previously stated, I know I cannot go back to how things were as it would be pointless to attempt to do so. What I can do is be the best possible person I can be based on my perspective of things at this time. I do realize it's just not about myself, however, and it behooves me to keep moving forward. While I tend to observe a lot and listen to what others have to say, I also take my own positive steps forward with a lot of things. I cannot overstate that some of the best people I know are on this Forum and that includes MTF, FTM, TS, GG and whatever other pursuasions we have.

That being the case, the greatest thing in my mind is to help others reach the goals and comfort levels they seek to reach. We are all just people for sure but people who make a difference and people who care about one another. Some of the main issues are acceptance of others and tolerance of differences. These will never be achieved by revolution but rather evolution and winning one heart at a time. We do this by proving who we are as people, by how we act and what we do. Sure it's hard at times but staying focused helps us to stay positive even if we don't always get our own way.

In any event, being realistic helps me to stay grounded and know my limitations and what I am able to accomplish.In this respect Arianna is no less a viable person than Richard is but my point is to never be a "standard" that others look up to but rather be an example of what each and every one can be in their own right and that I consider a real accomplishment. We do it together though and everyone makes the difference in their own way. In the end we become more understanding and become better people.:)

[Ruth]

Arianna, I am sorry about your loss. I hope it is not being disrespectful if I say I had a similar shake-up recently, caused not by a death but by a birth.
My third grand-daughter was born a few days ago and along with the great joy we felt as a family for the new arrival, I felt a pang about my other self, the one the family (except my dear wife) don't know. There was no place for Ruth in the celebrations. And I wondered what we were doing (Ruth and I) and was it fair to the family. I wondered briefly could I go back, but of course the answer is no. I think it would make me ill if Ruth had to go back inside. I have to find a way forward so that Ruth thrives, we both thrive, and my family life is preserved. Wish us luck.

[JiffyJ]

This is one of (the many) things I struggle with, the conflicting feelings.

Regardless of how little I am able to dress, I know I am a crossdresser and always will be.

I know I am a good man, honest and faithful to my SO, and hopefully a good father to my children.
Yet, when those doubts come creeping in, and I start to question my integrity, it can be overwhelming.
I wonder if my SO (who is unaccepting) still has the love for me she once did, I wonder if I am hurting the kids one way or another and I believe that I would be rejected wholesale by the few friends I have. Am I an honest person?

Yet, in the same moment I think 'it's no one's business, except my own'.
So far my SO has been unable to accept it, but has not rejected me. However she doesn't like to talk about it.
My friends do not have a 'god given' right to know everything about me.

I hope in time I'll be able to put these conflicting thoughts to rest and just enjoy life.

[PamelaTX]

Adriana, I'm so sorry for your loss. Every time we lose someone precious to us it diminishes us in a way that can never be completely repaired.

I sympathize with your feelings as well. I have many important things happening in my family, and each one of them reminds me how out-of-place my crossdressing is in "normal" family affairs. Sometimes it seems like it would be easy to purge and walk away. But if I did that, I would be abandoning the best part of myself. It has taken me decades to accept this part of myself, and my life has been crippled because of my denial of my true self. Will my family ever accept this as a legitimate part of me? I doubt it. But I can't be anybody but who I am. And neither can you. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.