View Full Version : My worst feeling
Rita C.
10-15-2008, 07:19 AM
Hi girls As you know Im new to this site. I want to thank all of you girls for making me feel so welcome. Just a little about me, am 58 years old and live in southern N. Mex.. Im transgendered and totaly comfortable with my life style. I spend about 2-5 hours every day partly dressed if not totaly. My wife is my soul mate, she has helped me in so many ways that I can not start to list them all. I am not totaly out of the closet, the only ones that I keep it from is my close family. ( I dont know if thats to protect them or me). I am a early riser ( 3:30 to 4:00AM) so this gives me time to dress up. The bad part about this is when its time to change in to my male mode its big fight with my self. (one of these days Rita just might win). Tell me girls when you have to change back to male mode, what do you feel.
Stephanie Stephens
10-15-2008, 07:29 AM
I resist it all the way. I know what you mean.
Steph
tamarav
10-15-2008, 07:35 AM
Dear Rita,
Of course you are going to have a fight with yourself because this is a repressed side of you that now has an outlet and that outlet wants to continue. All it really is, is your desire to continue with your new-found interest and not have to give back into your living situation. We all have the exact same feelings and they drive many of us to depression and beyond, but this is totally controllable. (I will catch it for saying that)
Crossdressing is an internal part of you that has been set aside for so long that it wants to take over, but there are reasonable limits that must be put into place until and when you can allow it to enter center-stage.
The more you fight it the more it wants to emerge and take over. So acknowledge what you are, how and when you can express it and get on with it. Relish the time that you have in the mornings and practice towards your goal, whatever level that may be. Think of it as short dress rehersals for later. And there will pretty much always be a "later".
Use the time to take pictures or write about your feelings and later when you are en drab look over those pictures or writing and study them. I think on the subsequent dressing periods you will find a new interest and be able to set some attainable goals that will make you feel much better.
You have to relax a bit about this, at least your wife is understanding. Thank her for that and discuss your feeling with her. It sounds like she has a lot on the ball and may come up with some suggestions.
Keep reading and asking questions on this forum and after some time you will find a better idea of how to handle your torn feelings.
Your new (older)sis,
Tami
Rita C.
10-15-2008, 07:54 AM
Dear Tami Thank you Girl Friend. You are so wright, With commits like yours is what makes this site so good. Thank you, Sis
Amanda Shaft
10-15-2008, 08:30 AM
Hi Rita, well you asked!
I call it Amanda’s dark place. After I’ve been away en femme or been at home dressed full 24/7 and it’s reached the end of the road and its time to rejoin ‘real life’ I get so low: like there’s a big black hole in me that can’t be closed. I cry. I will be travelling in my car and a record will come on and I’ll just burst into tears, consumed by the injustice of no longer being me and reverting to what I see as the great pretence. I can feel that inner me being put back in her cage, boxed up and shut away from the light: a prisoner to fate. It takes me days to recover, to find that delicate balance between pragmatism and longing which allows me to remain just this side of sane.
The thing is I know it’s going to happen and as long as Amanda’s time is ultimately restricted then I guess it always will, but I can cope with it, live with it and move on. Well at least I have always been able to, one day maybe I won’t, then what! Don’t get me wrong I’m not the suicidal type but I can understand it. I can recognise how my life has been so affected by my need to express my female self, that in my dark state I feel cheated and devastated that the woman in me has been so cruelly treated by fate. I can understand how someone might just give up the struggle and disappointment. I’m not about to give up, don’t worry because when I am Amanda I sore like a beautiful bird, care free and that high well exceeds and compensates for any low.
Amanda
PS You know I’ve wanted to right that down for ages. Thanks for listening. x
Deanna2
10-16-2008, 07:06 AM
Hi Rita
I don't rise as early as you, but when I do I always put on panties, pantyhose and a camisole which I will wear under drab during the day. I work from home and it is very easy for me to put on a skirt and top first thing. I will generally wear these until I have to leave home for whatever reason - visit to a client, go to the shops, whatever.
I very much enjoy wearing a skirt and it a bother to have to change. But I know that when I get back inside I will change back into a skirt. Like today I've been wearing overalls most of the day and now I'm in a Ra Ra skirt and I feel great - the most relaxed I've been all day.
BTW I used to live in Albaquerque a few years back. Had a great time.
Angie G
10-16-2008, 08:58 AM
I HATE IT. Iwish I could dress 24/7 but that can't be.:hugs:
Angie
Samantha Kelsey
10-16-2008, 10:32 AM
I hate it if I have to change back, however, at the end of the day or if I want to change back then it doesn't bother me
Sandra Dunn
10-16-2008, 12:15 PM
Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad
Eileen
10-16-2008, 12:32 PM
Rita I know so well what you go through, when it is time return the the world of pretending. For me it seemed to get worse daily. After I became semi-retired the process was even more difficult. Shortly after my Wife passed (she was not accepting) I knew it was time for me to be the real me f/t. If the desire is strong enough, you will just have to plan for the time and way that will work best for you.
Eileen
Deborah Jane
10-16-2008, 12:40 PM
I know how you feel Rita and one day in the not too distant future, i intend to stay as Debs permanantly :daydreaming:
mykhelee
10-16-2008, 01:44 PM
While I never enjoy going back to drab...I accept it. I recently went 7 months without dressing, I work on the road a lot. Yes, when I got back I was Khelli asap, new shoes, boots, dresses. etc. I know that I will have another opportunity to let Khelli out, so I look towards that rather than having to go back to drab.
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