Where do i go from here?

[Deborah Jane]

Help!!
I think i,ve reached a crossroads in my life.

I,ve been crossdressing on and off since i was a kid and my feelings have gone from loving it to total disgust in varying measures throughout my life.
During the last two years i,ve been on my own since splitting from and then getting divorced by my [ex] wife. I,ve had a few relationships with women, but none of them ever seemed to come to much and just came to a natural end. I,ve now given up on trying to find that "special one" as i feel i,ve already had and lost her, so i don,t even bother looking now.
I spent some time in therapy over issues from my past and during that time i,ve learned to come to terms with many things in my life including my crossdressing. Since joining this forum i,ve learned to accept and embrace who i am and now most of the time i prefer being a "girl".
Most evenings are now spent being a "girl" and earlier in the year i went out a few times during the late evening but as i consider myself unpassable and lack confidence, i have never been out during daylight.
I now feel i,ve gone as far as i can with this and much as i love being "girly", i don,t think i can go any further with it.
I,m growing to dislike my "guy" side rapidly, but being "girly" at home isn,t enough anymore. I want/need to go further but don,t seem to be able to get beyond the point i,ve reached now.

So what next?

[Lisa Golightly]

Well... It's all down to you (as the Darling Buds sang... or was it all up to you? lol.. I can't remember...) For me the debate raged for years and then I took the chemical plunge after the bleak collapse of a liason with the most beautiful girl I was ever going to get in this lifetime... The result? My body feels right, my sexuality feels right, and I feel alright... more than alright really... I feel fabtastic :)

[kim85]

hi deborah jane

Only you can decide if you want to take the next step if you feel ready. Unfortunatly no-one can tell you what is best (which i think we all know anyway) but what you have to ask yourself is what will make you happy once you know the answer to that you will know which path to follow.

Wishing you luck :hugs:

Kim
xxx

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks Lisa and Kim, i know i have to make the decision at some point, but am i even ready too?
I guess i know where i want to go with this and going full time isn,t really an option, much as i like the idea, it just isn,t viable to me. But i need to do something more than just dress up and stay in on my own most evenings, i need to do something more with this than just play at being a "girl".
The few times i went out i really loved it, but i,m very self concious when dressed girly outside and just wish i could get over it and start going out again, even in daylight. At the moment i feel life is passing me by and i can,t do anything about it!

[Sandra]

Have you thought about joining a GLBT club if there is one near to you? It may just give you the "kick" you need. Everyone there will be in the same boat so to speak and probably think as you do that they don't pass, this then might lead to you going out more on your own. :hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

Have you thought about joining a GLBT club if there is one near to you? It may just give you the "kick" you need.

I thought about that Sandra, but can,t seem to find anyone in my area [i may be looking in the wrong places]. You,re right, finding others like me would probably help me get past where i,m stuck now and give me the confidence to go further with this :) :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

I guess my counter question would be where do you want to go Debs? A lot of it has to do with self image and how you feel about things. My suggestion is make a list of things you would like to do and when it is finished take each point and write down what prevents you from doing it. Take each reason for not being able to do something down even further until you get to a way to figure out how to do it. Some people call this taking "baby steps", I call it statistical analysis.

Actually impediments for doing things don't seem so ponderous once you break it down into elements. You work on things one at a time until you are able to accomplish what you want, which really was one of the reasons I asked that question in the other thread to have folks think about it and this is what I've done in my quest to turn Arianna into an effective viable person. It doesn't matter what the goal is though and the method works if we truly evaluate the reasons and stick with it and this is true with most challenges in life as well.

Really, things are as difficult or as easy as we ourselves make them sometimes.;):)

[Natasha Carlo]

I would say the same thing Sandra said. Meet with some other tgirls. Hang out. Have some fun. All the girly stuff!

I'm thinking you can all work on tips and tricks to pass better, and work up confidence to go out together, and then take it from there. Asking where you go from here is too difficult to answer. We all are sooooo so different, it's impossible to answer. You have to find that answer. And in my opinion, I say try it, and see what you really want!

Good luck Deborah!

[MJ]

like you and others after i lost the one i truly loved i just can't be bothered to try and find the perfect woman for me. everyone here seems to be taken :doh:.. i have to say hrt worked for me i know i don't pass but i felt much better inside.
maybe you need to join a group find a fried and challenge each other to go to new heights

[Angie G]

Deborah I don't know what to tell you hun. Maybe It's time for you to forge ahead and do what MJ did you really don't make a bad looking woman hun witch ever way you go we are here for you hun. You can PM me any time you like if you need to just talk you know I here at some point everyday.:hugs:
Angie

[Sherry-Stephanie]

HI Deb....

Reading your comments it seems you need to find some fellow CD'ers and use them as you guides or crutch or whatever and get otu with them until you feel comfortable being out on your won....and then maybe go into that direction for a lifestyle and go forth....

Interesting thought....let's say you move out inot this area and by chance you meet someone who can connect and embrace you for the person you are and the way you are...wouldn't that be interesting for you?????

Stephanie....

PS if you want to talk let me knwo and I'll give you my e-mail address....

[mykhelee]

I'm in the same boat as far as where to go from here. I have not been able to find anyone in my area to hang with and dress, the few that want to seem to be looking for sex...I have never been comfy with the whole one nighter world, see no reason to start now.

As far as passing, make-up and attitude my dear are the key. I strive to look as natural as possible, no flash or overdoing it. I am lucky that I have had a few ggf's to help and go out with from time to time, though not in the last two years. Dress classy but not overdressed, we have a few cd's in the area I have seen in the mall, for some they may pass, they usually dress a little trashy, over-sexy. This draws the eye to the imperfections as nothing is left to the imagination. Soft, classy and the sexy comes from within. If you feel it, it is real.

What do you want out of it...do you know yourself yet? I know I cannot cd full time and do not want to, I embrace all of me. The guy who works on machinery and drives a semi-tractor as well as the woman who loves the feel of silks, satins and finding a new pair of shoes.

So sorry to blather on, having seen your albums, I see no reason why you can't pass. If you embrace your female side, maybe you won't be so uncomfortable with your male.

Keep in touch Hon':love:
Khelli

[docrobbysherry]

I have no suggestions. Because I may be in a similar position as u. Not knowing where I'm going with my CDing. And wondering if my compulsion isn't harming me more, in the long run, than it helps!

I think that dressing may cause many of us to feel isolated and oddly different from the masses! Finding a special woman at our ages is nearly impossible, without the CDing thrown in!

I DO KNOW:
When I have reached a point of feeling overwhelmed with confusion, or despiration, I've never failed to receive help from most everyone here! No one understands what we're going thru, better than the wonderful folks you'll find on cd.com!:hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

Thank you girls for all the advice and support :hugs:

I really need to think about this as it could be the biggest decision of my life and i really need to be sure this time.

Just as an added note, my therapist did actually suggest i should go for extra help with a gender specialist during my sessions with her. I turned it down for the same reason i,m still very unsure now!
I just don,t want to risk losing my relationship with my three children. Even though the eldest two know i,m a crossdresser, i,m not at all sure they would accept me going any further and losing them would be worse than losing anything else in my life.

I know whatever i decide, i,ve still got my friends here to support me, so Thank you

[FlygrlChristy]

Help!!
I think i,ve reached a crossroads in my life.

I,ve been crossdressing on and off since i was a kid and my feelings have gone from loving it to total disgust in varying measures throughout my life.
During the last two years i,ve been on my own since splitting from and then getting divorced by my [ex] wife. I,ve had a few relationships with women, but none of them ever seemed to come to much and just came to a natural end. I,ve now given up on trying to find that "special one" as i feel i,ve already had and lost her, so i don,t even bother looking now.
I spent some time in therapy over issues from my past and during that time i,ve learned to come to terms with many things in my life including my crossdressing. Since joining this forum i,ve learned to accept and embrace who i am and now most of the time i prefer being a "girl".
Most evenings are now spent being a "girl" and earlier in the year i went out a few times during the late evening but as i consider myself unpassable and lack confidence, i have never been out during daylight.
I now feel i,ve gone as far as i can with this and much as i love being "girly", i don,t think i can go any further with it.
I,m growing to dislike my "guy" side rapidly, but being "girly" at home isn,t enough anymore. I want/need to go further but don,t seem to be able to get beyond the point i,ve reached now.

So what next?

Your issue sounds like what I have been going through in the past couple of years, fortunately I haven't gone the divorce route, and my SO, is becoming more comfortable, I think with this side of me. She still doesn't like it, but sort of accepts it. We have seen a therapist that specializes in gender issues, and her comment to me was that I needed to join a support group like Tri-Ess, to talk to and interact with other girls who grew up with and have dealt with the issues we have dealt with all of our lives. Of course having ventured out when I was younger and was made when I did so, I immediately thereafter decided to go deep underground, and never made another attempt, and no one knew until my wife discovered my stash. So when the therapist suggested I join this group I immediately panicked, and thought, no way, I still consider myself unpassable because of that past embarrasment, but lately I've been considering it more and more. Like you these feelings don't go away, and maybe forging ahead with others like me, not only on this board, but in real life is the way to go. Sometimes I think that if my experiment back then had been successful, I probably would have decided to live full time, I don't know, life has thrown me in a different direction, and with a wife and two boys, that's not an option for me. But like you, sometimes I have great difficulty at times with not being able to match what I feel inside with what I look like outside. Good luck to you!:hugs:

Christy

[Holly]

DJ, find thee some sisters! If there aren't any on your block, then expand your horizons. check out the next town or province or state.

Next... who do you have to pass for? What are you trying to pass as? Honey, find the joy in being yourself. We are both at points in our lives where time is working against us. I don't know about you, but I just don't have the luxury of allowing past fears of interfering with future happiness! Debs, when I see your pictures, what I see is a person who genuinely is happy with herself. Let me ask you something... who on earth don't not enjoy meeting someone else who is happy? Honestly, I just don't have the time to worry about anyone else who may find humor in my presentation. What I wear that gives me the most confidence is my smile. I know it sounds trite, but it is the absolute truth. And for those who feel compelled to snicker and giggle, I feel sorry for them because when things happen to them that they do not understand, they will have no idea of what to do other than snicker and giggle.

Debs, the fact that you and I can hold our heads high, that we realize that we are unique and special, that we find contentment, joy, peace and comfort in being honest with ourselves and with those around us should give us cause for celebration. Walk out into the daylight, girl! The "special one" you mentioned in your opening post, honey, she is YOU!

[Joanne f]

When you belong to a group like this it can be easy to get lost in what you really want . we all have some sort of CD or TG issues other wise we would not be here and when you add to that a divorce or separation issues it can really mess your mind up , you have to find an escape rout out of the torment , just make sure that the rout you are taking is the right one .



joanne :fairy2:

[Nicki B]

Most evenings are now spent being a "girl" and earlier in the year i went out a few times during the late evening but as i consider myself unpassable and lack confidence, i have never been out during daylight.
I now feel i,ve gone as far as i can with this and much as i love being "girly", i don,t think i can go any further with it.
I,m growing to dislike my "guy" side rapidly, but being "girly" at home isn,t enough anymore. I want/need to go further but don,t seem to be able to get beyond the point i,ve reached now.

So what next?

The answer is inside yourself - what do you want, indeed need, to do?

But - I'd suggest you also need to keep practising. That's the only way you can build confidence. Stretch your envelope a little further, each time - and getting out and meeting others would be an excellent way to start? Don't worry over passing, that will come. :)

There are plenty of places out there to go - forgive me, but didn't I suggest some places to you a while back? (I've had to delete a lot of pm's, so I can't remember what I sent you - pm me again and remind me of your location, if you need further help.)

[Danielle Hyatt]

Hi Deb I thank you sould do what you want to!!!!


Plese PM me if you want.


You Pal
Dan:D

[Jennifer Cox]

Help!!
I think i,ve reached a crossroads in my life.

I,ve been crossdressing on and off since i was a kid and my feelings have gone from loving it to total disgust in varying measures throughout my life.
During the last two years i,ve been on my own since splitting from and then getting divorced by my [ex] wife. ... i,ve learned to come to terms with many things in my life including my crossdressing ... i consider myself unpassable and lack confidence, i have never been out during daylight.
I now feel i,ve gone as far as i can with this and much as i love being "girly", i don,t think i can go any further with it.
I,m growing to dislike my "guy" side rapidly, but being "girly" at home isn,t enough anymore. I want/need to go further but don,t seem to be able to get beyond the point i,ve reached now.

So what next?

Hi Debs, I know exactly how you feel, except that I think you're about 2 yrs further down the road than I am ... and light years ahead in the looks department :D

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Love Jenny.

[TGMarla]

Hi Deborah. I guess my question to you is this: why is what you're doing right now not enough? I understand the "I don't pass" thing. I don't either, not without some rhinoplasty, an arm and leg shave, and a good tracheal shaving (umm...and about four to six inches off my middle). The difference between you and me is that I came to the firm conclusion that whereas I love "being" female, I don't want anything to do with transition. I don't want to talk to gender specialists, and I don't want to take any hormones. I also have a pretty decent relationship (for now) with my wife. God forbid she come home sometime while I'm dressed. (Geez, I hope I'm wearing one of my nicer dresses if and when she does!)

Even though you don't pass, you shouldn't let it prohibit you from venturing forth. Very few of us truly pass, and many of us that don't, go out all the time anyway. Who gives a rip what others think about it anyway? Go out and have a good time, if that's what you need to do.

Here's another question: would transitioning really make you happy, or would you still have a big emptiness inside of you? Remember, transition is a huge step, and not everyone you know is going to be down with it. My advice to you is to come to grips with who you are and how you look, and grab that ball and run with it. You might pass better with a different hair style (But we'd miss you just as you are! :hugs:) and a change in wardrobe. Only you can answer these questions, but we're always here for you to bounce the questions off of. Good luck, and smile, for Pete's sake!

[charlie]

Hello Deborah!
I did what Sandra suggested. I just could not get all dressed up, put on makeup and be as beautiful as I felt I could be and take it all off. So I went to several gay bars. Some had TG ladies, some did not, Some were for cowboys, some were dance places some were just bars....all had one thing in common for me though, I was accepted. I met people as Charlie. I got suggestions from makeup people, beauticians and other bar patrons. I got positive comments 98% of the time. Some patrons also bought me drinks and asked me out. It was great for the ego and a great stepping off point for me. Perhaps it would be for you too!

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks for all the help :hugs:
I think this is going to have to be one step at a time and see where it leads now.
I,m pretty sure i don,t want to transistion, i think a lot of this is down to pure frustration of not actually doing anything when i,m dressed. I,m going to start by finding a localish group, getting out and seeing if thats enough. Hopefully just by having fun going out clubbing, shopping, etc i will be able to reach a point i,m happy with. [Hey, you never know i may even find an accepting GG friend to spend some time with].

As for disliking my guy side, that could be down to the way i,ve had to make myself appear ultra macho to hide the "girl" side so nobody figures it out!

Thanks again and i,ve decided i,m going to take this one step at a time until i reach my comfort level :)

[az_azeel]

Debs.. we all do the macho crap thing... its a built in fear of getting sussed i guess... its taken me 30 odd years to finally shave my beard or (goatie) of... alexis thinks i looks younger... me i think its just a bit more maleness gone :heehee:.. i think as others have said ..the next stage would be to find like minded people in your area... why not look into starting a group up yourself ..you might be surprised what lurks in the closets down your way... i for one would back you up.. but the distance is a wee bit of a problem... a lot of ways your like me .. i know for a fact i dont want to be a woman, but there is a girly side to me... i guess im one of the lucky ones.. and of course you know where i am should you need a chat :hugs: