for those of you with children...

[Rayna]

Do your kids know?

How did they find out?

What age did they find out/were they told?


I have a daughter who is now 8 months old. My wife and I have been talking about whether or not we will tell her about Rayna. I don't want to traumatize her, but at the same time, if I decide to keep her in the dark about it, that means that my opportunities to get dressed up will drop dramatically... I currently love being able to just walk around the house in a skirt.

[derminator]

Do your kids know? No

How did they find out? Hope they don't... at least not until i'm totally out.

What age did they find out/were they told? N/A

This is really tough..... coz, life is pretty hard for kids, but I don't think they need to concern themselves with their father's oddities..... I believe that kids should be kids, because they are going to be adult for a whole lot longer than they will be a kid... it's such a special time for them............ my advice... wiat till they are grown up before telling them.... at least then they can make an informed 'adult' choice about accepting you for who you are, rather than acceptiong you whilst they are still too young to really make up their own minds.

[Rayna]

Do your kids know? No

How did they find out? Hope they don't... at least not until i'm totally out.

What age did they find out/were they told? N/A

This is really tough..... coz, life is pretty hard for kids, but I don't think they need to concern themselves with their father's oddities..... I believe that kids should be kids, because they are going to be adult for a whole lot longer than they will be a kid... it's such a special time for them............ my advice... wiat till they are grown up before telling them.... at least then they can make an informed 'adult' choice about accepting you for who you are, rather than acceptiong you whilst they are still too young to really make up their own minds.


sounds like sage advice. Thank you

[derminator]

No probs..... BTW - nice legs.

And I must say, good on you for being open about your cd'ing with your wife.... it must be great for you to be able to share your inner most with your SO.

[Rachel_740]

Do your kids know? Yes


How did they find out? I was at their mums house to have my make-up done for a party last year. I got dressed before having my make-up done and after my make-up was finished they came home from school (I had already planned with my ex that they would see me dressed, but at that time NONE of them knew of my intention to transition.


What age did they find out/were they told? They were 7 and 9 at the time - the 'experts' think that is the worst age for kids to find out about something like this.

Since then I told my ex first of my dressing (she asked if I do) and subsequently told her and the kids of my plans to transition. They have all been great with it. It took time for the kids to come to terms with it, and I'm not always convinced that they have completely come to terms with it now, but they don't seem at all embarressed at being out with me, and they always use my name now instead of calling me Dad (they are old enough to realise they can't call me Dad when we are in a restaurant of somewhere and I'm dressed in a skirt, and I think that would embarrass them as well) - I like to think that possibly helps them feel more grown-up and on an equal with me to talk about things, but I'm not completely sure on that one.

Anne

[Mandy Salamander]

Hi Rayna, I told my daughter just before her 17th birthday,(now almost 20) partly because I had started HRT, but mostly because she had given me good reason to believe she would be accepting. She has been my biggest supporter(check my thread on this subject). I don't necessarily advocate telling too young, let a kid be a kid, a lot can happen in our lives and it's something else they'll need to deal with (wife and I divorced at age 6, I had custody till age 12, only dressed every other wknd, then mom re-gained custody, however I kinda wish had told HER much sooner because she's been so accepting. I don't know if this helps you any, but is a good question and I doubt that a really good answer even exists. I guess the key is to raise our children to be tolerant and accepting of all.

[Mandy Salamander]

Incidentally, Brit asks me to get dressed and go out with her and her friends now, ever been to a Korn concert en femme??? Whoa, think she's handling this better than I am.

[Jerry]

I've got 4 kids and I don't plan on telling them. If they were to bring the subject up because of their own desires or wondering about the world, I'd have to assess the time and situation then to determine if I'd come out to them. For now, I don't see it.

[Tamara Croft]

Do your kids know? Yes, but only one of them

How did they find out? I told her

What age did they find out/were they told? 16 years old. She saw me on this site and started questioning it. So I told her that her dad is a CD, but I didn't go into details. I have shown her some pics and she thinks he looks great. She keeps asking me if I've got more pics LOL.

[mand]

Yes mine know , I told them about 4 years ago now, so my daughter would have been about 17 and my son 16.
I told my wife 2 years before them and I had no intentions of telling anyone else but once the closet door opened that little crack it was impossible to stop it swinging wide open, so now everyone knows.

The kids took it all very well, infact they knew already before I told them, they had seen things around the house like size 10 shoes :rolleyes:, the kids being so accepting of how I am as made life a lot easier for me and I think they are also more open with me about things in their own lives.
Oh and I have a two and a half year old grandson who has been bought up knowing me like this.


love mand xxx

[Sweet Jeanette]

I am unbelieveably glad that I and my wife have no kids!------------for more reasons, than just this one!!!

[Sigrid]

Do your kids know?
How did they find out?
What age did they find out/were they told?\

I have two children, ages 9 and 12. Neither of them know. However, they have both seen me apply nail polish - we all did it together one evening. Also, my son made the comment (just yesterday) that it looked like I was wearing lipstick (I was :rolleyes: ). They have seen me in drag, though I doubt they noticed. I often wear womens polo shirts, jeans or shorts in their presence.

I do not intend to tell them about my CD'ing until they are approaching adulthood. Even then, I can not imagine donning a wig and makeup in their presence.

~Sigrid

[CindyT]

No none of my kids know and I prefer to keep it that way! They would probably not like it. The wife would really not like it... long story there... no I just keep it to myself.

[Elysia]

I have not told my 11 year old son and don’t plan to do so until he’s a lot older. My wife and I think it’s a complication he doesn’t need to deal with at this point in his development. This does limit my opportunities to dress but I have no problem with this. I consider my role as parent more important than… well, pretty much anything.

I do express to him my high esteem for feminine qualities, my belief that extreme gender stereotypes are foolish and limiting, and my strong support for equal rights and equal respect for all the different kinds of people in this world. He’s a great kid and I think he will be an open minded and tolerant adult. I absolutely intend to tell him someday because I want him to really know who I am; I’m not ashamed of the cross-dressing part of me. But there is a time and a place for everything and in our judgment now is not the time.

I don't know if what we are doing is exactly the right thing, it’s just our best guess, and I don't know what you should do in regards to your daughter. However, I will say this, I wouldn’t put the freedom to walk around the house in a skirt high on the list of reasons to choose either course. I hope you don’t find this advice too presumptuous but I do believe that parents should put the needs of their children before their own.

[Phoebe Diana]

I have two sons ages 6 & 10, and I am wrestling with this question, too. I will need to do a lot more research before I make any decision. (And, of course, my wife is half of the decision-making body too.)

I'd be just as happy to wait until they are a lot older, but they are smart and I can be rather spacy, and I would rather tell them in a controlled fashion then have them discover it by accident.

I think ultimately it depends on if I'm going to be at all out; which wouldn't be for a while, if ever.

Phoebe

[Rayna]

Thanks everyone for the great feedback and advice. Just what i was looking for!

From the sound of things I think i will be waiting a great deal of time before my daughter finds out. Obviously I want what's best for her and I don't want to make her life any more difficult than it has to be. She's what keeps me wanting to wake up every day :)

[Sharon]

I have three kids, and just the youngest knows (she's 26). It wasn't my idea to tell her, but it has worked out pretty well.

[GypsyKaren]

Yesterday I told My 31 year old son that I'm tg, and he's cool with it. I'm going to tell my other 2 kids, who are also grown up, this summer. I decided to tell them because my daughter-in-law found out about me. She's cool with it too, so I figured if she knew, my children should know too. I guesss I'm just tired of living a secret life after all these years, and I should add that I have a very supporting wife who loves me very much and has been a big help since I told her.

[Katie Ashe]

Do they know? Not exactly...
When: Not going to right now...
Age: Waiting...

I have done research about this... Medical/pyscologist Have indicated repeatedly to tell them under the age of 5 or over the age of 16. It is easier for the child to accept, weather it's understood or not. I have thought about alot and have to agree. My Daughter knows I where Stockings, but I tell her their socks, she gave up asking and just accepts daddy wears see through black socks.

Anyways I'm gonna wait until their older and can understand better.

Katie

[Wendy me]

Do your kids know?

my youngest son i think got a idear but i don't thik he has a clue as to how far it goes... my oldest no because he would have ratted me out by now...



How did they find out?


little things like make up or things left around when he shows up for a viset


What age did they find out/were they told?

n/a haven't told them .....yet....

[uknowhoo]

I'm a bit ambivalent on this one. We have a 5 yr old boy. I think at this age, he could handle it, just assimilate it , along with all the other stuff he's learning about life. It'd be alot easier than him walking in on me, or find out poking around in a closet when he's 11 or something. But alas, my wife doesn't know, so I expect I'll have to wait until he's a bit more mature, maybe late teens, or twenties.

[arula]

Do your kids know? No

How did they find out? Hope they don't... at least not until i'm totally out.

What age did they find out/were they told? N/A

This is really tough..... coz, life is pretty hard for kids, but I don't think they need to concern themselves with their father's oddities..... I believe that kids should be kids, because they are going to be adult for a whole lot longer than they will be a kid... it's such a special time for them............ my advice... wiat till they are grown up before telling them.... at least then they can make an informed 'adult' choice about accepting you for who you are, rather than acceptiong you whilst they are still too young to really make up their own minds.
I agree with the first part of your response, but in telling you children could shatter their respect for you, if you have brought them up in society with the notion that man is man, woman is woman, and they believe in that, then you have shattered their image of you. I love my family, they will never meet Arula, she is for me alone to enjoy. Sorry for being so, so, A.

[donna anne]

2 kids, a boy 5 and girly 10. dont have any imediate plans on telling them. dont think they need the extra stress(at least the girl). besides the 5 year old cant keep his mouth shut and im not ready to let the whole world know

[kathy gg]

Hi rayna,

well i am going against the grain on my advice so here goes. I first need to tell you just a tiny bit of background on me and my hubby and how we came to this conclusion.

First off, since I have no issues with his crossdressing we don't have problems that revolve around it. We both have made great efforst to only have friends in this community who know about us and evne his mom knows. So that effort to surround oursevles with people who accept us and love us was our first goal after we got married.

Secondly my husbands (and my invovlement) crossdressing does not revolve strickly around the sexual /or fetish aspect of dressing. We go out to dinner with our friends doing this, we go to the movies, we have dinner parties at our house, bbq's what ever. Regular stuff that we woudl do anyway, he just happens to be dressed as a girl when it happens.

And most importanly we consulted with two different therapist who are well versed in the tg community. both had the same advice. the key advice being both parents need to be in the same space mentally with the dressing. Example, dad needs to feel comfortable and shame free. mom needs to be supportive and any negatives need to be resolved. so if both parents are on the same footing then telling has two windows of opportunity. The first being from the get go . This cannot be used as a divisionary tool and it will not be viewed as something freakish or bizarre becuase it was always this way. The second window of opportunity is to tell once they are grown adults with their gender and sexual idenity already established. This of course requiers vigiliance and careful hiding and secrecy for , oh say about 18 years....

Obviously this way of thinking does not work for many couples because the wife is not supportive. Or in some cases alot of guys are still working on issues with guilt or feeling bad about this. ANd in some cases there is much risk involved becuase maybe only the parents know and have no other support system for the child to talk to freely about this.

In our case we feel we have done the best we can do for our little girl to be aware of our life. I also dont' like the idea of being a prisoner in my own home. I know about 4 other couples who have done this as well and they had very successful results. But all the good factors had to be in place, otherwise the whole things falls apart.

I am sure some people (maybe even in here) might say what we are doing is wrong or we are bringing our baggage on her. I never wanted to tell her jsut so life could only be convienant for us, but I want her to know all sorts of people with many differences like lesbian or gay couples, interracial couples, people with handicaps, and just generally grow up in a world that is full of the flavor of difference. I dont' want her to be constrained by these so called rules of society. I wanted her to be aware so she will always know nothing but 'truth' from us.

We dont' view cding as merely some private thing to be hidden and ashamed of. It is an aspect of both of our lives and just one of many pieces that make us who we are as individuals. I want my little girl to knwo all of her mom and dad, not just the sanitized 'g' rated part.

anyway, if you and your wife both feel the same way about crossdressing and have no huge problems with it as man and wife then having the freedom to exsist happily in your own home seems like a great path to choose. But if you and yoru wife are not at that point and you btoh are still hammering out issues this may not be the road for you.

Our little girl is 16 months old now and she is this crazy little thing that dances anytime you turn the radio on. We both had so much love for each other and that is why we choose to have a child. And I have to say that having a kid has been this cool little addition to our world. I can't imagine our life now if she were not a full part of it. I look forward to her coming with us to Pride Parades and drag shows and all sorts of other fun stuff and learning all about what the world has to offer. I want her to know that she can be anything she wants to be and by being real and true about who we are is the first step to realizing that vision for her.

hugs and please know you can email me personally if you want to discuss this any further
kathy in canada






Do your kids know?

How did they find out?

What age did they find out/were they told?


I have a daughter who is now 8 months old. My wife and I have been talking about whether or not we will tell her about Rayna. I don't want to traumatize her, but at the same time, if I decide to keep her in the dark about it, that means that my opportunities to get dressed up will drop dramatically... I currently love being able to just walk around the house in a skirt.

[DonnaT]

I found out a couple of months ago that my 27 yr old son knows and has no problems with it.

I think my daughter (26) may know but don't know if she knows. My wife has asked me not to tell her, but that was before we knew our son knew.

I know that there are pit falls that can occur if a child finds out, like catching their dad dressed enfemme. He/she may see their father in one light, and if they catch him dressed, may think it was ALL a lie, that he lied to him/her. All the preaching about being honest and trutheful could come back and haunt him. I know a young lady in Australia that is currently having to cope with just such a situation.

[LindaAnn GG]

My husband and I have been very interested in the comments on this thread. Although we have no kids now, we are likely to in the future. Plenty of time to consider the issue I guess, but we recognize the future problem. We are inclined to think that it is best to address the issue after kids are grown, with the thought that they will have enough thorny issues to deal with as they are growing up without adding another one.

On the other hand, the necessity for secrecy in such a situation adds to the overall anxiety level, with the possibility of the kids finding out at a time and in a way that might present even more problems for them than would otherwise be the case.

No easy answer it would seem.

[Genifer Teal]

Kathy, I just read your reply on page 1 of the replies. Great going. You and your SO seem to have things worked out well between you and your family. I believe kids should know from the beginning. Hiding it only promotes shame and negativity towards the behavior. In the same way I used to sday I'm just a crossdresser, I feel I am way beyond that now. The best part is the positive way I feel when I am dressed. Any negative reaction we show towards dressing our kids will pick up. This will make it harder for them to accept it in the future. There are many bad things to protect our children from in this world. Dressing is not one of them.

Hugs - Genifer

[kathy gg]

Thank you thank you thank you!

Genifer the only thing I forgot to say in my post was that from my experience growing up and even talking to therapists was that children like consistency and to know that they are completely loved and that their mom and dad love and respect each other as well. When you have those things in place everything else is not that bad.

I also wanted to say that I don't expect our daughter not to have questions or concerns . As she grows up we will address them as honestly as we can. We actually will be using alot of the same ideaologies that gay and lesbian parents use on their children; Basically that not everyone in the world approves or condones the way we live, but those people are the ones missing out on a full rich life of unique experiences and adventures.

Anyway, thanks again for the vote of confidence. So far so good and I plan to keep a detailed journal regarding our journey as she grows up. I know we will have tough times and rough patches, gosh that is part of having a kid when you dont' have these issues anyway! All I know is this is working for us and it has worked for other people who had the courage to be honest so there must be something 'good' in all that.

bunches of hugs!
kathy in canada


Kathy, I just read your reply on page 1 of the replies. Great going. You and your SO seem to have things worked out well between you and your family. I believe kids should know from the beginning. . There are many bad things to protect our children from in this world. Dressing is not one of them.

Hugs - Genifer

[Cathy]

I have two daughters. I told both of them when they just out of high school. My wife left this up to me to tell or not to tell. Years later I do regret telling them. My oldest has no problem with it but my youngest refers to it as my fetish. I think it was wrong of me to put this on them. What was there to gain for them. Looking back I think I was selfish in telling them. Now both my girls are in their 30’s married with children. Their husbands know but have never said anything to me. What makes things difficult is one of my son-n-laws works for me. I have a very high position and he reports to one of my supervisors. I always have a worry in the back of my head would they ever say anything. I do not fault my girls for telling their husbands there is a lot of stress put on them. So NO I would never tell my children.