Newbie needing help!

[kelly1469]

Hi, I'm a 28 year old married man, and i'm new to the forum! :)

I need your help as..... well, heres my story:

It started at about 14 year old, when i started exploring underwear and heels (my mothers - is a bit odd looking back!) - felt amazing and did this on and off for quite a few years, and gradually hide a collection of clothes & underwear in my room

Time went on and i bought a few of my own things too. When i was about 17 i got busted - my collection was found by Mum - suprisingly they were very understanding.

I had a really good year or so, bought loads of clothes, shoes, make up, nail varnish, etc - and would dress everynight in my room (and around the house when everyone was out - including wondering around the garden in the dark!). It felt so amazing, decided my ulter-ego would be called Kelly! It went further and further till i got to the stage when i was thinking about shaving my legs for the first time! (but didn't in the end - something perhaps i regret!)

As the same time, i was out clubbing alot, trying to pull women, and i met this amazing girl. She was perfect in everyway.

We got together, and i decided it best to move on, put Kelly away for good, binned all my collection, and get on with this perfect relationship.
The first few years i was ok, ocasionally buying the odd skirt and thong, dressing for a few days, then binning it all in guilt!
Then i had a good five/six years when the thoughts of dressing never crossed my mind. In this time we moved in together and got married which was amazing - and i am really happy with everything!

Until......recently in the last month or too i've had uncontrollable urges to start dressing again! - i just really want to be back in the clothes again feeling like a woman.
The problem is that i could never ever confess to her (or anyone) about my secret as she finds all that disturbing and a bit sick and i know it would probably ruin our perfect relationship which i really don't want to do!

I really don't know what to do now. Its got the stage where i go wondering around the shops after work, daring myself to go into a shop and buy something. The other problem/issue is that in my current job i have to go away for a week in a hotel once every week (so perfect opportunity for Kelly to come back out!) - but this ends in July when i've finished this particular job.

Please help! i really in two minds about what to do.

Thanks

Kelly x

[trisha59]

If you have not read it yet, please read telling your SO in the sticky threads portion of this page. It's going to be hard but you need to start feeling her out on this issue. It is repeated often among these pages because it's the truth telling is the best option.

[MJ]

one thing for sure is this will never go away. and the feelings will get worse.
i understand how you feel but you can't hide who you are. you have to make a choice live a lie or tell the truth.
can you live with yourself knowing your trans and not be truthful with the one you love?
you should tell her how you feel now before it's too late.
is not love being truthful and honest with that special someone. we trust our S.O with our banking information and our very lives yet some of us can't trust the very person we love with our inner most secrets.

[Natasha Carlo]

Wives and girlfriends should be flattered, I think, that us girls trust and love them enough to tell them about our dressing!

I hope everything works out for you Kelly! I definitely am on the side of honesty, and feel your wife deserves to know. But in the end... it's your choice.

Like Trisha said, read the threads about telling your SO. :)

Good luck hon!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kelly

I can understand you not wanting to tell her

How much worse will it be if she finds out before you tell her

I suggest you read the link in my signature on telling your partner

[docrobbysherry]

Now, about your marriage;
if u want it to work, U have to work at it! This isn't going to go away. And if u ignore the desire to dress, it could get much stronger!

There are million reasons why your marriage mite fail. Your CDing should NOT be one of them. If your SO wants your marriage to work, she'll understand and work with u.

But, u must tell her about this. Discuss it in depth. Come up with a plan that WORKS FOR BOTH OF U! If u wimp out, and "cheat", (dress), behind her back, it will eat at u. And when she finds out, ( and she will), it will be much worse than if u were up front about your needs now!

Good luck Kelly! My marriage failed. I hope u can make yours last!:)

[tamarav]

First of all, welcome to the group! There are a lot of us that share your history and have actually lived through the experience.

Think of telling your wife because now she does not really know the complete you. She knows a piece of you but the inner person is going to make you paranoid, scared and every other adjective you can think of until she is either set lose or buried again. Putting her away is never the answer, you build resentment, anger, start arguements, yell for no reason Oh, I'm sorry that was me. And maybe a few of the others here.

Read the article on telling your wife and give it some really good thought. My wife and I have been married 25 years and she has known about Tami for about 28. She didn't shoot me, in fact we are closer than any couple I know. (Of course I really don't know that many...)

Good luck with whatever your decision is,

Your new sis,

Tami

[Jill]

Not to discourage you or anything, but the truth is, your desire and temptation to do those things isn't going to go away, and will likely just get stronger. My advice is to make a decision and go with it.

If you decide to dress again then be prepared to take all the necessary measures and be prepared to face the secrecy or honesty when it comes to those closest to you.

If you decide that it's not worth the risk then take whatever measures are necessary to squash it and keep it squashed. Part of me would tell you to just do it, you'll love doing it again, it will almost overwhelm you how much you'll love going back. But the other part of me wants to tell you to run away, don't step in this quick sand pit again. You got out once and if you step in again you likely won't be able to escape.

[charlie]

Hello Kelly!
I think that your wife does know the real you. Kelly is part of you. The thing she does not know is what you do. What you do is not against the law, does not hurt anyone and its only problem is that it is looked at by society as a deranged act by some sex pervert. Your wife also probably looks at you as her Price charming and male figure. At this point it is all bad. Only a few of us here on this forum have written in and said that their wives accepted their dressing and supported them. Most say do it and do not let me know (my wife's feelings). Lots leave. Even the most accepting will toss it in your face at some point. My advice, try to feel her out and see how she would cope with you just saying you are interested in the idea of cross dressing. If it is bad, dress only when you are out of town.

[Di]

Heres the link that trisha was talking about.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231

[Carly D.]

The hard part is NOT dressing up.. even if it's just a minimal amount such as panties or whatever.. I'm not going to say "you MUST dress" but the likelihood is that you are headed towards being a cross dresser (ooooh for shame).. but there are worse things you could do (such as drugs or worse).. so I think just bide your time if you can stand it.. but stop by some store and buy "the woman" something special for being there (all this time) and take it home and wear it..

[kelly1469]

Wow - thanks for all the advice - a really friendly site! :)

I thought i could get a quick fix to satisfy my urge for a while (altho if i could i'd give myself a total make over!) - but can't bring myself to buy anything! :sad:

Will the urges really get that strong over time?

[trisha59]

Yes

[Jennifer Cox]

Will the urges really get that strong over time?

From the other posts it would appear so! :sad:

My experience was that once I'd accepted it, it became much easier. It also helped to always have some clothes available - just knowing they were there if I needed them. A lot cheaper than constantly purging. Of course, I'd eventually told my less than understanding wife, so I didn't have to hide them away.

For many years I was mostly able to control the urges, with only the occasional need to dress and then mostly just undies - basically too lazy to do the whole thing, I think! :D

Then 4 years ago - BANG - completely lost the plot, seemed like I was back in my teens again, except much worse. Today, it's no better. :) :sad: whatever!

Remember, we're all different and none of us knows what journeys we will go on in the future, and how the events in our lives will affect us, so you don't necessarily have to follow the same path as the rest of us. Just be aware that there's a probability that this need within you will grow in the future.

Hope that whatever you decide that it works out OK!

[smokey]

commenting on the "she feels it's disturbing and a bit sick", is there a chance with education she would come to see differently? with objective information? if you do tell her, have information for her. have your thoughts in a row that it is not sick, but a variation from what a lot of society sees as acceptable. in the link Di posted there is a post about having information ready i think for her.
i do advocate telling. it could be really rough. and here there are lots of people to ask questions to. read the stickies in the "loved ones" section.

[Tina B.]

Kelly, none of us can tell you how strong the urge in you will grow, but what we can tell you is there is no known cure for a thing called transvestism, or what we call cross dressing, but then most of us don't consider it a sickness anyway. But if you stick around here for a while you will learn, we are all different, on what it takes to keep us happy, from those that dress full time, to those that sneak and hour here and there. You just have to figure out what you need to keep you happy. But we can also tell you stories of how our wifes reacted when we told them, or when they caught us, these go from total acceptance, to divorce, so again, only you can tell what is best for you.
Welcome to the family!
Tina

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Kelly, you've come to the right place for answers and advice.

After a few years of marriage I finally had to confess to my wife. It could have gone better, but certainly could have gone worse. I am so glad that I finally took the plunge.

I found the following websites helpful

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/mustread.htm

Good luck.

[kelly1469]

Thanks for the advice all - but i really don't think i can tell my wife - its too much of a risk! i'm scared of ruining everything

But...... the urge is sooo strong!

Wandered around town again yesterday! - so many lush clothes and shoes around, if only i could pluck up the courage to buy stuff and hide it without feeling really guilty! :(

[Karren H]

Well there's always the dual life.... if you can maintin the out of town gig.. But then the longer you go the greater the chance of being discovered the worse the eventual mess.. Kind of what a lot of us have been through.. And that's kind of what I do though my wife knows and doesn't approve but turns the blind eye.. Tough decision for sure..

[JiffyJ]

Hi Kelly, welcome to the forum.
Our stories are very similar for the most part.
Whilst I agree in principle with what most of the others have said here, i feel you need to think very carefully before deciding to tell your SO or not...very carefully.

Like you, my SO finds it 'sick and disturbing' and quite simply wants no part of it and does not want to learn anything about it.
That could change in time, but I'm not optimistic.

She actually does allow me to wear tight's and undies, but has basically said that if I want to wear more, I have to leave.
I'm unable to take the risk.

Many people here would consider that harsh and unreasonable, but I can't begrudge her that attitude because I wasn't honest from the beginning.
We had been married 10 years (with children) when I told her, and quite honestly I wish I hadn't.
I've found it harder and more frustrating since telling her, than I ever did before. I let the genie out of the bottle and now I don't know if I can ever put it back.
Whilst we are together and have a very loving relationship in most ways, physically as well as emotionally... it has been very hard for me to deal with the fact that I told her and the fact that my hopes, now aired, are never likely to be fulfilled.

If you tell her it could effect your relationship forever and you have to decide if it's a price worth paying.
You also have to decide if you can live with the guilt of dressing behind her back, should you go that way.

Nothing is cut and dried, and you have to decide what is most important to you.

I wish you the best.

[trisha59]

I'm of the type that dresses only when I'm alone. I did tell my wife that I do crossdress because I figure that if I got sloppy and left some article of clothing out to be found, her knowing it was mine is a lot better than what she would have thought if she did not know about it. The thought of her being shocked by my CD pales compared to her thinking I might have cheated.

[Vicki65]

Thanks for the advice all - but i really don't think i can tell my wife - its too much of a risk! i'm scared of ruining everything


And you think if she finds out you do it secretly, or catches you tottering around in stilettos and tights, thats gonna be better???

She's gonna be totally gutted you've effectively been lying to her all this time. At least if you fess up, and talk it through, she HAS to appreciate your trust in her, and your honesty. If she loves you, she'll find a way to accept you. She might not be thrilled - most aren't, but at least you wont have dark secrets which are guaranteed to eventually wreck a relationship. Been there - done that :(

[Jen534]

I started dressing in my mom's clothes when I was about 12. It was never anything more than when I was alone I would try something's on. My mom passed away about 5 years ago and I supposed the extra alone time had something to do with me dressing more and more. A couple years ago I started buying my own stuff.. I took the small step approach, though. For a year all I bought were some panties and pantyhose. Then it was some lipstick and then I made a few shopping trips for a bunch of clothes.

I told two of my closest friends about me dressing, one knew more details than the other. They were fine with it just as long as I didn't try to make it a apart of their lives i.e. them seeing me dressed. About a year ago (or it could just be several months, I can't remember), I threw all of my stuff out.. wig, make-up, clothes, everything. I was tired of possibly being caught and my friends were sort of wanting me to quit.

I get to urge to dress every so often but I just don't want to go back to the sneaking around lifestyle. Sites like this literally keep me from going crazy. If I can't dress anymore (I'm sure I will eventually..) at least I can read about it.