OK so what internal factors effect going out en femme or not going...

[Nicole Erin]

There is all this talk about "self acceptance" or "not caring what people think" but that is not what I am getting at so much.

Some go out and some don't.
Ok so, what things about your personality or outlook help or prevent you?

To make things a bit more clear, here is my case as far as being CD -
The only thing that really causes me to not dress full time 100% as Erin is having a kid who could catch hell. But I am usually dressed at least part way femme. I can live with that.

The fact is, I just don't give a sh*t otherwise. I don't enjoy the occasional abuse but really, several times in life I have had my ego and feelings crushed, and it goes on to this day. Feelings of low self esteem like I am this big loser. There I said it.
I have read that the reason some do this [MTF] CD thing is "feelings of failure as a man". Well that is me. Never good at sports [picked last in gym], was always called "faggot" in middle school, never good at dating, In the army, even though I had training in telecommunications, I ended up being the guy who got stuck with all the "details" [that is "crap work" for you non-veterans]. And my latest failure, even though I earned an associates in IT, my job and paycheck are P.O.S's. Pl;us then and now, feelings of loneliness or like I am some outcast.

So basically, I guess the real reason I don't mind going out dressed when and where I can is cause I figure so what if people have a problem with me, they have always seen me as a fruit/failure/less than... so what the hell have I got to lose if they see me en femme or know it is some guy in a dress?

I don't know if others feel this way but I DO know that few would ever admit the things I just did, I mean if they felt that way.

I just wonder if maybe those who are deathly afraid to go out en femme are those who have been on the winning side of things their whole life and don't know what it is like to have their feelings crushed and don't want to know.

You know just things like that. I mean am I the only CD out there who thinks maybe "failure as a man" has a lot to do with why I CD on this level instead of just hiding in the house wearing lingerie?

Please don't take any of this the wrong way. NO I am not suggesting that women have it easier or that only losers go out [or not] en femme, I am just stating what I think might be my reasons.

I know something is wrong with me cause I often get told by people that know me is that their first impression of me is that I look psycho. The pretty face you see in my avatar is not my normal expression. Sometimes people almost flinch when I look at them, no matter how I present.

So what do you believe *really* causes you to hide or or go out or instilled a desire to go more femme?

Well, let's see what happens, please don't be too upset with me...
Thanks,
Erin

[Karren H]

Well I've always excelled at all sports I've tried.. Lettered in every sport our HS offered.. Was all-county lineman in football.. Was invited but 3 junior colleges to try out for college football..

I was always good with girl friends starting in kindergarden.

I've excelled in my carrier both personally and professionally and am considered an expert in the field.. I train all our engineers.. I've been with the same company for 30+ years and they are beggiing me and throwing money at me to not retire.. I'm outgoing and don't hesiitate to tell the CEO what's wrong with his or any other executives plans.. And 99% of the time I'm right..


Ohhh and I love to dress like a girl... And I just love to go out enfemme... And really don't care what others think of the way I dress.. Go figure!! Lol

[Edyta_C]

Well I don't think its healthy to think of yourself as a "failure as a man". I have gone thru periods of being lousy at sports. I just don't like competing to win. My goal has always been to do better than before. Cooperation rather than competition. I think many of have had similar problems in relationships. So you're NOT a failure and those experiences don't drive you to CD. It is in your head! Your gender as determined by your male appendages just doesn't align completely with what's in your head. You probably started that way from birth. Many people find that the job they trained for isn't what floats their boat. So having a paycheck and job that s**ks isn't a failure of you! Keep striving. These aren't the things that drive you to CD. It is in your head, you are programmed that way (for CDing). It is not any trials in life that steer you that way.

Enough of my drivel. We are here to help you and this my meager contribution. I wish I could help more.

Hugs Edyta

[docrobbysherry]

Only the opposite! Oh.
Except for the, " dressing like a girl", part!:heehee:

Ok, truthfully? I was kind of a wimpy, jerky kid. But, starting in my teens, I began a life of doing whatever I felt like doing. As long as it didn't effect others. I guess that's one reason I tried on a dress, just for the heck of it, at age 50+!:)

[Sandra Dunn]

Attitude, it's all in the attitude, take some bellydancing lessons. Go as a male student. After a couple of classes you'll learn about stage performances and how to project attitude. Apply this teaching to daily life and you'll see a difference.

I hated sports and the jocks are very cocky as in attitude. I'm a veteran, mechanic shop foreman and going to school to finish my degree.

When I go out I try my best to be all the woman I can be with the attitude that I'm supposed to be here and this is who I am and you are the one with the problem so get over yourself.

You are a beautiful woman and the outside world is furtunate to get a glimpse of you.

HUGS Sandra

[Sally2005]

Let me take a stab... I am average...everything I have done in life is average... I have interests in a lot of things so I am also a generalist. I tend to be a perfectionist when put effort in to it. I am a social klutz and never dated a lot because I felt insecure. When I buy stuff at the store I get treated rudely, although lately people seem to be more friendly with me. My parents seem to have a problem with any success or happy situation in my life...they are most happy when I am failing. I've recently suffered through some major trust issues with a long time friend and everything else in my life hit a low which caused me to be very depressed. What has dressing got to do with it? Nothing, it turns out (feeling shame does...but I'm over that now)... Why do I dress? I don't really know...I just do. There is a thrill to it. About 2 years ago, I reached a point, a low point and decided to get medical help to feel better. I felt like my life was going to end. At that time I decided there were some things I just had to do in my lifetime...one was, I had to get over my shame of dressing and go out dressed in public and feel like I could pass. So I did it! It wasn't bad, in fact it was enjoyable. Now I just have to find a way to get my wife on side. The point of my message...how you feel has a lot to do with how people interact with you. You need to find a way to feel good about yourself. Do something, anything, no matter how small each day to solve the problems in your life, it will eventually get better. The other thing, nobody knows you as well as you know yourself to be critical of what you do...so their opinion means nothing!

[Sam44]

Introspection is hard for most of us. I'm pretty sure that I understand parts of my feelings about CDing. On the other hand I don't understand other things at all.

When I was very young (preschool) I stuttered (but have no recollection of it or it's consequences.)

When I was a little older I was a loner but I eventually found things I was really good at during recesses. I didn't care whether it was tackle football, tetherball, chinese jump rope, regular jump rope, jacks, hopscotch, whatever. I vaguely remember people making fun of me at times but it rolled off of my back.

By high school (and to this day) I was very good at being invisible in group of people, even a group of girls talking about whatever. I still remember the few times that someone did a double take when they realized what they had just said in front of a guy.

On the other hand I took a lot of abuse about being fat (and having boobs) in junior high which I'm sure kept me from considering any sports in high school or college (well except extracaricular fencing.) And as anyone who is a little larger can attest to there is a lot of implicit harshness and bigotry (for lack of a better word) towards bigger people even if, in general, most adults are more explicitly polite than teenagers.

I've worn just shorts, a colorful shirt and sandals (or barefoot) year around (snow or no snow) for decades and am used to people staring at me and making comments (some derisive, but most just incredulous.)

Now that I'm wearing women's outerwear more and more I find that (at times) I get fewer stares than I would in my sandals and Hawaiian shirts :)

More often than not I still chicken out when I dress up and attempt to go in a store, tho I'm getting comfortable in a skirt at Starbucks and have been comfortable walking on public paths dressed up for a while now.

I can't say why I chicken out, I'm pretty sure it's not because I'm afraid of what people will say or think. But I have noticed that I'm much more likely to go step out of my car if there are no guys around.

As I've mentioned in other posts I like the smiles that I get from females: they are mostly positive or at least polite.

I guess that perhaps it boils down to the fact that I like the explicit acceptance I get when crossdressing rather than my more "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke" feeling when I'm wearing sandals in the snow :)

[Eve_WA]

I have read that the reason some do this [MTF] CD thing is "feelings of failure as a man". Well that is me. Never good at sports [picked last in gym], was always called "faggot" in middle school, never good at dating, In the army, even though I had training in telecommunications, I ended up being the guy who got stuck with all the "details" [that is "crap work" for you non-veterans]. And my latest failure, even though I earned an associates in IT, my job and paycheck are P.O.S's. Plus then and now, feelings of loneliness or like I am some outcast.


Oh Erin! I so know where you are coming from! I too have these feelings, as I too suffer from similar afflictions. Although I have excelled in academics, I was never any good in sports, mainly from disinterest, was called faggot due to my sleek physique and long eyelashes, (something Im quite glad for today I might add!) and never did well with women... so I understand your feelings... god do I! I might even think it played a small role... but is that why? no, I dont think so. Looking back now... I have always been more in touch with my feminine side. I used color better, I was sensitive, and emotional... (things Ive unfortunately learned to control... perhaps too well)... etc etc. They are all parts of the mosaic... its why I didnt so well in sports. I dont like sports... so much attention and money over a stupid leather ball... Id rather glorify those that make a difference in this world... instructors, mentors, scientists.... than entertainers.

What has changed me from the intra closet the extra closet? The confidence I have gained in my ability not to destroy what little I have accomplished for myself. I have gained enough knowledge and accessories to where I do not feel I would be recognized as 'myself'. And even if they did. I have gained a great deal of self confidence and I realize that this is more than the sum of its' parts. It is what it is, and Im pretty much powerless to stop. I can slow its progress, I can hide it, but I cant stop. So.. if it kills this life... Ive started over before. Its not so bad. Maybe this time I can get my job when the economy isnt in a downturn... oh wait.....

Dear I feel for you... I really do. I know how you feel... find something that makes you feel good.... do it. You need something positive! You need to feel better about yourself. (duh!, sorry) I know the better I feel about myself, the less these things seem to matter, and the more they take care of themselves.

Honey, there will always be jerks, there will always be people who you dont meet their level of perfection... think about the kids who did that at school... they always had a deficiency of their own. compensation... think of it as you like... I like to think they do it cuz it makes them feel better somehow. (needle dicks, lol).

Honey, even though Ive only been here a short while, it looks like theres a great support group here... you arent a lesser person... you arent a lesser man... you are who you are! Be proud of it! (as I hide from most of the world, rolls eyes)

I hope this helps. Your sister,

Eve

[Kate Simmons]

There is much about these feelings that is not classified or catalogued and never will be. I don't think it's a "failure" of being anything as much as it is perhaps sometimes being ashamed or afraid of them. We have been deeply conditioned as men not to act this way as it implies a lack of strength on our part. I disagree as I feel it demonstrates even more strength to sometimes express these feelings and act on them. While it is often times inferred and not spoken that women are the "weaker vessel", we, among all others know what BS that is. What it really comes down to is being ourselves or being something we are not. The choice is ours really but I choose to be myself and if these feelings go along with that, so be it.:)

[DawnRodgers]

I was never that good in sports, but actually was to introverted to try. Grew up with only women around - my dad died in WWii. Had an older and younger female cousin and my mother and her sisiter. Was quite smart and can't complain aboiut my overall life. Have a wonderful wife, am retired with no financial problems, have three married children.
From the first time I, probably in a state of boredom as a teen, put on nylons, panties, heels, coeset, skirt and blouse, I was hooked. Loved the feeling, the look, the sexuality. Seldom dress for longer than 12 hours, wear fem things under my male clothes, have kept my toenails polished for weeks (not recently as I now live in Florida and wear sandals most of the time and favor deep red nail polish), have been out and about in fem but always worry about people pointing and screaming at me and would love to live life as a woman - in every way.
Dawn

[Tracii G]

Erin I know part of what you're feeling.I've had numerous GF's thru the school aged years always got dumped for another guy,was married twice got dumped for another guy each time but I know I was a good guy and always treated the ladies with respect maybe too much respect at times.
Do I see myself as a failing as a man no I raised two daughters pretty much by myself and they are doing great in their lives and have their own families.
Sports meh I was OK at it but never cared much for it thought it kind of trivial.Some love it and I'm cool with that.
Get into something like Martial Arts its something anyone can learn and really great excersize.It brought balance to my life as a kid and still does as an adult.
I believe in you Erin.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I just wonder if maybe those who are deathly afraid to go out en femme are those who have been on the winning side of things their whole life and don't know what it is like to have their feelings crushed and don't want to know.

Erin,

I have been on the winning side (pretty much) all of my life, I excelled at sports in my teens and 20's, and have attained senior management level in my job. I am married to a sensational lady and have a great family.

I also love to wear girly clothing.....oh and to answer your question, I am afraid to go out in public dressed as a girl. Respondants might well call me chicken $h!t, and thats fair enough, coz I suppose I am lol :).

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I don't enjoy the occasional abuse but really, several times in life I have had my ego and feelings crushed, and it goes on to this day. Feelings of low self esteem like I am this big loser. There I said it.
I have read that the reason some do this [MTF] CD thing is "feelings of failure as a man". Well that is me. Never good at sports [picked last in gym], was always called "faggot" in middle school, never good at dating, Pl;us then and now, feelings of loneliness or like I am some outcast.




We are somewhat similar you and I, I was always picked last in gym, because I was so small. I've never been on a date in my life and I'm a virgin at 41. I flunked out of college, and I doubt I'll ever be able to bankroll a transition. I feel lonely and isolated. I've felt like a loser many many times. I don't know why I started crossdressing, but it wasn't because I felt like a loser because I only felt losery years after I started CDing.

But you are NOT a loser. Loser's don't try to help people on message boards, losers don't write insightful posts, losers don't think introspectively. I want you to do something for me, I want you to say to yourself rather often: "My name is Erin and I'm a nice person." or "my makeup skills are improving all the time." or "I learn a bit more about fashion every day.", or "I helped a person on the CD.com boards feel better about herself."

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[TSchapes]

There is all this talk about "self acceptance" or "not caring what people think" but that is not what I am getting at so much.
...So basically, I guess the real reason I don't mind going out dressed when and where I can is cause I figure so what if people have a problem with me, they have always seen me as a fruit/failure/less than... so what the hell have I got to lose if they see me en femme or know it is some guy in a dress?
...
I just wonder if maybe those who are deathly afraid to go out en femme are those who have been on the winning side of things their whole life and don't know what it is like to have their feelings crushed and don't want to know.

Winners vs Losers. I think this is where a lot of misconception occurs. I'm certainly not a winner in everything I do, yet if you talk to people where I work they would probably label me a winner. Yet, I was never good at team sports, I was teased when younger about being a sissy. I don't have any friends in male mode. I never dated that much and I certainly don't list my marriage as a wonderful success.

I feel it's more important to know yourself and understand what you can and can't do. Labels like so many times in this case do not help. Labeling yourself a loser just becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, the way to win is to be correct, and since I know I'm a loser, when anything goes wrong, I can be right. "See, I'm right, I knew it, I'm a loser!"

I believe it is better to not label yourself in either column. No one's keeping track by putting ticks in the winner's column or the loser's column. You probably go out dressed for the reasons I do, I like it! Tracy needs her time in the sun. All dressed up and no where to go is no way of going through life.

Self-acceptance comes from introspection and understanding yourself is who you are; good things and the bad things. We need to hold on to the good things and work on the bad. We are all a work in progress...

Love, Tracy