A rambling mix of emotions

[Toni_Lynn]

I think that this is going to be a bit of a rambling rant, but I need to do it.

I want to be begin by singing the praises of this place. Sometimes things come along in our lives at exactly the right moment, and finding here now that I am in a marriage where I am so totally accepted and loved, you give me a chance to shout from the (figurative) hilltops about how happy I am. Finally I can tell my story. Telling it brings some wonderfully sweet memories.

But that happiness is tempered with a longing sadness inside, because it also invokes some of the saddest things in my life. I think that its because, for the first time in my life I am accepted and loved for being me, just the way I am, and with that comes a confirmed feeling that I am normal, and in fact quite lovable. So why am I sad at times. Well, its because I feel like I've lived the better part of my crossdressing life being deceived by those who put me down, by those who told me that I was sick.

When I first began crossdressing it was so very innocent. There was no sexual aspect to it. When I put on my first pair of panties and my first training bra I felt like I had arrived, like I had given life to the girl within. And oh how I loved that fact that I was her. Everything felt right. Those next few months where so wonderful. I felt such a warmth and happiness inside. I call them my 'halcyon' days. I ride my bike out to W T Grants, buy a new training bra and some panties, ride out to a lake and sit under a tree and watch the ducks, and think about how great it was to be a girl. I was a really introspective kid. I had no real friends, so I stayed to myself. I was never in any trouble and always got straight A's in school -- well except for gym class where I got a C.

And then it happened. When my mum found out and emotionally abused me, I suddenly felt very dirty. The world was no longer all soft fuzzy bunnies, but became a harsh and hate-filled place. At times it still feels that way. My grades slipped. By the time I was in grade 12, I was all Bs except for that infernal gym grade of C.

I don't feel like I changed, but apparently the kids in school saw something in me, because I was taunted and called 'fatty fag'. I worked for a summer as a caddy at a country club where a very well known professional golfer was the club pro. The kids there taunted me and picked me up spreadeagled, pulled my legs apart, and rammed me between my legs into the basketball hoop pole. As I crumbled to the ground they laughed and asked 'what's the matter girl, did we hurt your c**t'. All the while my employer laughed saying 'boys will be boys'.

I constantly dodged accusations of being gay at home. And hell, if I read Penthouse or Playboy, it was only because, 'you probably want to be one of those girls'.

Life was so stupid. I had a psychedelic light in my bedroom that I'd turn on when I sat and listened to records. My mum destroyed because she said it encouraged my dressing up. Yeah right!

What does all this mean and why am I sad.. Well, I guess its because I feel like my innocence was ripped from me at time when I so filled with happiness. I hate that fact that I was made to feel all dirty. I hate the fact that I spent so manny years filled with self-hatred that just chewed me up inside.

And now here I am .. totally loved. It feels so good. But why do I feel like I give anything to go back to those 3 months in 1971 when it was all shiny and new and clean to experience that joy once again. Why do I feel like that would heal me and enable me to go on being not only a better crossdresser, but a better husband and a better person.

I wish I knew the answers. I wish I could feel clean again.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Tasha McIntyre]

The worst thing about your story Toni, is what you copped from your parents. They are the ones more that anyone else in the world that should provide you with protection, guidance and advice. Not ridicule, abuse and punishment.

As far a wishing your time again, I think theres a bit of that in everyone. Lost opportunities for some, and the want to deal with past situations differently. I suppose all we can do is learn from the past to make a better future. I'd love to go back to the 1980's and do a few things differently!

[Violet]

Oh, honey. I am so sorry that happened to you. Any kind of abuse is never easy to overcome, and it sounds like you suffered a lot of it. I'm so glad you found this community, and that it's helped you realize that you are perfectly normal.

And Tasha is right when she says, "I suppose all we can do is learn from the past to make a better future." Have you thought about perhaps joining a support group, or seeking counseling from a certified therapist to deal with some of these emotions?

[Tina B.]

Toni Lynn, you brought a tear to my eye, such a sad way to spend your youth, while you can't go back and fix things for that little boy, at least you have found love and understanding now. You should feel clean, you are not the one that is dirty, that belongs to the ones that abused you so.
Tina
Look forward, not backwards!

[Sandra]

Toni I'm sorry you went through all of that and the way you was treated by your mum. Know one deserves that.

As Tina has said "look forward"

[Sheila]

Toni, :hugs: and I am glad that you have a partner who accepts the whole you. You are clean, and whole, and loved because of who you are :hugs:

[Zenith]

You are in a good place now...keep the good memories...toss the bad...why do many of us share such awful childhoods...wish it wasn't something we shared...:sad:

Here's a few...
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::h ugs::hugs:

[DemonicDaughter]

Only makes us stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly. I can emphasize with your pain, but look at the beautiful person it made you out to be! Don't let those idiots rob you of that vision, that truth and that joy. Though we can't change the past, we can allow ourselves the right to cry, rage and make our peace before realizing that "now" is far more important. I'm sorry for the little girl who never got the chance to enjoy more than three months of happiness but I'm over-joyed by the woman who has a lifetime ahead of her to make the most of it.

:love:
DD

[Daintre]

Toni, we are somewhat close in age, sounds like our parents were of the same ilk. When I was young, CDing was new and made me feel special. When I was a teen it was my father who brought everything crashing down, making me feel like a "pervert"...his words. I endured a nightmare for years until I could get away. Our stories branch off here, you found a partner who loves you unconditionally, you lucky so and so. I chose badly and I ended up with an ex.

Take what you will from the responses, but know that going forward, you are a happy and loved person. We can't fix what has past, we can try and understand why, but better to move on.

[Kate Simmons]

Sorry to hear about that Toni but you are a good person and we are glad to heve you here. I guess we all have different motivators. In my case, my Dad emotionally abused me and constantly put me down because I was a skinney kid who didn't measure up to his expectations. It had nothing to do with CDing really. When I saw how my sister was being treated differently, I wanted to be like her, so I secretly dressed and in my mind, at least, I was a girl.

When my Mom did eventually find out and told my Dad, he actually backed off from me and left me alone. I think it was because he realized he had failed me as a father and both of them were in denial. Eventually, I proved I could be a good husband and father after I got married but instead of encouragement and commendation, I got nothing and they remained aloof.

Even so, the feelings never went away and I eventually reached the point when they had to be addressed. In a way, I thank my parents because I never would have become the person I am today otherwise. It kind of forced me to accept myself and integrate my feelings which is an accomplishment as most men cannot do this without a lot of dysphoria.

While my past wasn't the greatest I have learned from it and have turned it to my advantage. While I sometimes have regrets, I don't get hung up an them and can only move forward. It has made me a better person and even though I can't take that to the bank, so to speak, I can take comfort in the fact that I am finally being true to myself.:)

[trannie T]

Although I am not religious I try to follow some Christian principles in my life. The most difficult is forgiveness. It has taken me years to get to the point of even attempting to forgive others. When we dwell in the past it creates a toxic atmosphere in our lives. Move on, look to the happy times you're going to have, we cannot change the past but we can determine our future.

[Toni_Lynn]

Thank you all for you kind kind words. All of them have made me feel much better inside. I go through this nostalgic longing sometimes, I guess when the blues hit me. And I am a bit blue now, my wife is down and out in horrid pain with, ugh, kidney stones, and I am trying to nurse her back to health. It is times like these that I retreat back to that little girl I was, and want so much to relieve her hurt and pain, also.

Again, as I say, I wish I could go back and savour the warmth of those three months again. I do to a small extent when I go through my vintage training bra collection and close my eyes and place myself back then wearing one of them. For those moments, I am whole again.

All of your responses have made me feel that warmth too. I'd like to, however, send special huggs and thanks to 3 of you:


I'm sorry for the little girl who never got the chance to enjoy more than three months of happiness but I'm over-joyed by the woman who has a lifetime ahead of her to make the most of it.

DD -- this statement alone has given me so much to ponder. Now is the time for life. The love that I now have is the salve that can heal the hurts of the past and bring back that happiness. Thank you! :love:


This doesn't have to be a source of pain, just a gentle feeling of kindness towards that long-lost child.

Katie -- thank you for helping me to remember to always treat the little girl within with kindness and love -- the kindness and love that she didn't get back then!


Move on, look to the happy times you're going to have, we cannot change the past but we can determine our future.

Trannie T -- I know that you and I disagree on much, but I want to offer a special thank you to you for being there with your words of encouragement. They really have touched my heart.

Huggles to all

Toni-Lynn

PS -- if 5 February 1971 is the day that I bought my first bra and panties, does this mean that I'm only 37 in girl years :)