Being Rachael.........

[Rachaelb64]

Ok this may wonder abit but I hope you get the jist of it :)

Now I've been crossdressing since I was 13ys old, thats 30 odd yrs of crossdressing.

Over the years thoughts about become 'female' have crossed my mind and always seem to come in cycles, and usually when I'm feeling depressed. However, these feeling have usually subsided once my bout of depression starts to get better and I return to my usual 'modus operandi' of crossdressing (which in itself has changed over the last couple of years since seperating from my ex-wife)

Yet, just lately, I am finding it more difficult to return back to my 'drab' self. I dress and I feel happy and comfortable as Rachael. Then its time to return back to my male self. Usually I give myself approximately half an hour to change back. But I now seem to be pushing the time limit to the max before I get change, thus making myself run late.

Now I know I'm not depressed, Its the first thing I thought of, the usual signs are not there I'm sleeping and eating ok (which are the first things to go) plus I'm feeling well motivated.

Its just that I feel happier being Rachael. Its hard to put my finger on it. Being my male self I feel like I'm just living. While being Rachael I feel like I'm Living.

I'm confussed being Rachael seems more real and it gets harder each time to go back to my drab self.

Any insights, pointers, or views would be welcome. :)

[Deborah Jane]

Sorry i can,t help you Rachael, i feel exactly the same way with Debs at the moment.
Maybe we,re evolving slowly into our "femme" selves :)

[Rachaelb64]

Sorry i can,t help you Rachael, i feel exactly the same way with Debs at the moment.
Maybe we,re evolving slowly into our "femme" selves :)


Maybe your right Debs, just wish my breast would evolve faster :devil:

[TGMarla]

Rachael, I feel quite often the very same way. I gave up on the fantasy, dream, or whatever it is of becomming female years ago, but I still think about it often. The urge to have the change has always been stronger when I struggle with depression, and subsides greatly when I don't. But I'm very content while dressed, and I'm loathe to change back. And thus I push the envelope to the limits of my available time, and sometimes make myself tardy to my previous commitments. Very parallel, eh?

[Teri Jean]

Rachael, I have the same feelings and then reality of my male life gets in the way. I like being a guy but there has also the urge to trans.Time will tell and who knows? Keli

[Danielle1960]

I purged a while back and now I'm going crazy. I'm afraid the next time will be it and I"ll go femme forever.

[Marla16]

I feel the same way, after being married for 20 yrs and know divorced, I get to be a women when ever I want. I just spent 3 days away with a friend. I was enfemme the whole time, I did not bring any male clothes. It was wonderful being a women, my friend treated like a lady all the time. I spent the day in jeans or fleecewear, and dressed in a skirt or dress for dinner and a nice silky night gown at night. My hair is getting long enough to go without a wig and recently had my facial hair removed. So its getting harder to return to male mode mentaly and physicaly

[Kayla Shadows]

I hear ya.Going back into drab just doesn't feel good.Its like,ok,I have to change back into male mode..but,I feel like I'm putting on a costume.I don't feel like me,don't feel alive..only just kind of existing in a life that's not yours.

[Terrihoney]

Maybe, dressing when depressed was a way to make yourself feel better? Myself, even a short time as Terri relieves much tension. The best part of being divorced and living alone is I can change more times and do normal stuff around the house. Terri is NOT a good housekeeper, just picks up clutter and looks in the mirror.
Did you say you're getting your own boobies? Wow! I am pretty sure I'll not make that choice, but sometimes I wish.

Hugs, Terri

[MarcieM]

I hate going back to drab. That's why I'm now getting everything lined up to go fulltime within the next two weeks. I live alone, work from home, etc. I only have a few details to work out and I'm going for it. My mind is made up.

[Samantha Kelsey]

Going back to drab is DRAB! but sometimes I have to. Thankfully not much:)

[Kelsy]

Sometimes it can be tough to go back to male mode! I know how you feel sweety. I have to bring some of Kelsy into my drab life!! I would go crazy without her:battingeyelashes:

Kelsy

[T Sara Lynn]

I don't feel like Sara only when dressed, I am Sara and it matters not whether I'm in drab or my clothes. It isn't easy for me to go back to drab, either, but doing so doesn't change the way I feel (am). I find I really have to watch myself at work (I'm not out publicly), or I get too relaxed and act very femme (which to me has become the norm)! Like you, my femme persona has come out over time, it's not really evolved, it has just grown. Also, I show no signs of depression, either. I think of it as a metamorphosis, I'm becoming who I really am, and damn the consequences! Perhaps that's what you're experiencing, too.

Here's the crux. I can't go all the way! I made that decision a while ago, and it was rooted in cold fact. I can't change my social or professional life, I'm too old, too established. I have tempered that decision a bit, though, thinking I can be myself anywhere, as long as I am not too overt.

I say enjoy your feelings, don't suppress them. Be who you are - be careful, but be who you are!

~~~~Sara Lynn

[Rachaelb64]

I hear ya.Going back into drab just doesn't feel good.Its like,ok,I have to change back into male mode..but,I feel like I'm putting on a costume.I don't feel like me,don't feel alive..only just kind of existing in a life that's not yours.


I think you've hit the nail on the head :)