My 24/7 Mini-camp

[KeriB]

Yeah, so I'm about four days back from Provincetown... what an experience. Though it was a mere four days or so, I got to live 24/7 for those days, and it was wonderful. Even given the accepting environs of P-Town, it was amazing to be openly accepted, interacted with normally and respected as myself. Admittedly many first experiences for me... nail salon first day, dinners out at some great restaurants, meeting new friends in my B&B, engaging conversations with others about TG issues....
And the compliments I received while there, from TG/TS as well as GG's and guys.... I felt so validated, self-assured, but most of all, normal..

Then Friday came, and my day to head home.... I never felt as badly back in guy mode as I did that afternoon. All i wanted to was to get the hell out of there asap, I hated interacting with the very people I only had minutes' prior been addressing presenting gal.... In my car, I cried for about two hours, not stopping because it would have opened the floodgates...

Home since has not been the same... My wife did not come, was and is not happy, and is already alluding to implementing a "cease and desist." I have already basically informed her that not only can I not stop, but I don't want to stop. Although I tell her I am not sure where I am going, it really hurts to not be able to be "me" now, and to be in a totally unaccepting and suppressing environment. The numbness is wearing off, and my emotions are starting to kick in full, with another day til therapy. But I cannot help but feel that my old world is coming to an end, and that scares me, saddens me.... the worst is the solitary nature of my situation, and I must build a support net quickly, and soon....

My apologies for the crying, I just needed to get some of this off my chest, share it with others who I know would understand, with the hope that someone can just say things will be ok and work out... I've always been an independent spirit, some would say a solitary soul, and it is ironic how this has twisted to where I want close friends and that is the hardest part right now, when I need support. This just all seems so unachievable....

[Steph Butterfield]

What a lovely experiense you must have had Keri, and how hard it must be for you to return to drab mode again, my heart goes out to you. I truly hope that things improve for you to allow you to be yourself.

You obviously pass better than I, if thats any comfort, i've yet to dine or drink anywhere without the usual abuse from chavaland idiots.

xxx


Stephanie

[Sally24]

Do you know any local gurls? It really helps to talk in person to friends who understand what you're going thru. I think the gurls in this link are local to you.

http://www.cdinyc.org/

[Suzy Harrison]

Hi Kerri

I can sympathise with your position, as I experienced the same thing when I went to Atlanta for the SCC. I too had the extra excitement of going to a nail salon for the first time and also had the same experience as you did with friends and restaurants. After a while it all becomes so natural and fulfilling doesn’t it?

So when it all comes to an end it is shattering. I had a long trip home to the other side of the world to think about it all.

You said that …..”the worst is the solitary nature of my situation ……”

Well you are not alone, there are many in the same position as you are, myself included.

But you’ll be surprised how things can change for you. The future is not set in stone and you may one day find yourself in a very different position.

I can also speak from experience in that regard. Just 2 years ago I never thought it would be possible for me to go full time – but that will soon happen. So hang in there Kerri – things are constantly changing.

[GypsyKaren]

I remember when I had to transform back to guy mode before leaving for work, the last step was removing my nail polish and it always made me cry. I'm glad you had this time for yourself, and I hope you can work out your home situation. :hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[Sara Violet]

Keri, you have lots of friends here. We are all here for you. I don't even know any TG people outside this board. I had no support from anyone outside this board, except for a therapist I could only afford for 3 months. You will be okay.

[melimelo]

That must have been great to interact safely with people for a few days. I envy you for that. And I (as much as almost all T-girls) completely empathize with the depressive mood at the end of the trip.

I too am a sort of solitary soul. Or thought I was until very recently. Even in guy mode, just knowing that Melanie is still there, inside, motivates me to expand my social skills. You're not alone in that respect. I'm not sure I could tell you that everything will be all right, but there's always hope. My wife was shocked at first but she slowly realizes that I didn't suddenly decide that it would be a "cool" thing to transition.

And you're not alone in your situation. I think you'll always find an attentive ear in this forum.

Take care of yourself!

Melanie

-- "Who ever said that boys will be boys?"