Why are Cross Dressers still in the closet ?

[Kelly DeWinter]

It struck me today as I was reading some replys here and thinking about my own life. Cross Dressers seem to be the last ones in the closet. It's no big deal anymore if someone announces, that they are Gay, Lesbian or Bi, but Cross Dressing seems to be the one area, that our culture has a hard time accepting. So my question is, "Why are crossdressers, still in the cultural closet ?"

Kelly


PS. I do go out dressed occasionaly.

Wonderful thoughts, thanks everyone for their replys.

Kelly

[June Campbell]

Why are we in the closet? Perhaps because we fear ridicule or worse when we venture out in a skirt or dress. What fashion allows changes over the years, certainly for men as much as women, and when fashion decrees that men in skirts is OK, then we will be coming out more.

Acceptance by family and friends must also be something to be considered.

[StaceyJane]

Because that's where my clothes are....
Actually I think it's because we stand out a lot more than other groups and society still thinks it's okay to make fun of us.

Stacey :)

[MJ]

Because as cross dressers many are scared they could lose everything .

if one is gay nothing about the guy changes

also if one is a Lesbian or Bi, it's the same thing.

but a guy in a dress well omg everything changes no matter how good we try to look we will still be a guy in a dress

[Brina Halloween]

We forgot to claim endangered species status...

Many things have been in and out of fashion. Earrings for one, though the styles for men and ladies are apparently different in many cases. Maybe we haven't hit the the right fashion trend yet. For some we never will since it is being "abnormal" that is part of the thrill. I suspect most people prefer to have social clues for "tagging" people and a cross-dressed guy does not mentally tag correctly.

No one even said a thing though about my boobs and sleevless top at dinner though. I only got asked if my ears were pierced when I adjusted an earring (My first dangling set bought today).

Brina

[mykhelee]

In my neck of the woods we still have a good shot at a beat down by the good old boys. Only go out to gltg bars, try not to go alone.

[Valerie Nicole]

Because we aren't understood, and there don't seem to be many efforts out there to even try to understand us. Even university courses (and I know this from personal experience) that are supposed to be about gender issues barely cover anything regarding crossdressers, transgendered people, and transexuals. I was looking through my one friend's text book for a psychology class called "Sex and Gender"...and you know what I found? Less than a page dedicated to CDs, TGs, and TSs altogether.

The fact is that we're marginalized and misunderstood. The idea of a man in a dress is generally taken as a subject of humour and ridicule, not to be taken seriously. There are exceptions, of course, but as a rule, that's how it works, and that's why most of us choose to stay closeted. That's my opinion, anyway.

[PamelaTX]

I think that having a feminine side to the personality has something to do with it. We worry too much about what others think of us, and we get hurt too easily when others make fun of us.

Furthermore, unlike being gay, which requires you to come out of the house and find a partner, crossdressing can be done completely in private. This makes it easy to hide, and easy to think that "you're the only one." I suspect that on-line support groups, like this forum, will help bring more of us out of the closet.

[Alice B]

I would love to be totally out of the closet, but society and many of my friends are not even close to being that accepting. Until then, in the closet, except to a few friends and those on this forum.

[Jessica Who]

People hate what they don't understand. While being gay is generally more accepted than it was in the past, remember that there are still many people that do not accept it.

Also, I think crossdressing is misunderstood. Ignorance leads most people to believe that there is no way a normal man would want to do this on a regular basis.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I am 95% out of the closet. My friends and family all know, but the only place I never mention it is at work... is the one thing for obvious reasons. After watching my company "unofficially" remove people from the payroll that Cd's I got the message. Sorry, but losing the job, is not an option ;)

*hugs*

Zara

[Sally2005]

Maybe I'm going crazy, but recently I've been asking myself the same question. I think I hit a boiling point though...I've been looking forward to halloween and dressing up for months. Then in the last couple weeks it was coming together, but we can't get a sitter for Friday...as if that's not enough, my wife tells me her parents are coming to visit... :-( arughhh! beep! beep! <sensored>, so after some thought, I made plans to go out on Saturday instead. Guess who the babysitter will be...her parents! hahahaha (they don't know that yet) ..only thing, they have no clue I like dressing up. So, my frame of mind mixed with some form of being ticked off about my plans being messed up is now 'so what'? 'Who cares' if they see me? They will think it is funny (and if not...maybe next time they won't impose themselves on us on for halloween). ...somehow I don't care what others think about what I do on halloween and I'm not standing down. (note: I guess that makes me out of the closest on halloween, but I'm not about to divulge anything about the 364 other days of the year to everyone just yet for all the reasons others have stated)

[emmicd]

As a crossdresser I realize one main characteristic that is fairly common among crossdressers.

Most crossdressers live fairly normal lives as men who are responsible to their families, their jobs, their friends and themselves. They are attracted to women and they have a need and strong committment to their wives and families although they like to dress feminine.
Crossdressers come in all sizes and they work in all different fields. Aside from the feminine expression all crossdressers are real men and they dress in the closet because they have to much at stake.

For me the dressing is just part of me and I only dress secretly. The truth is I have a family I very much care for and I am a working professional. I will always dress and will always do it secretly. I do have a vicarious thrill seeking desire to crossdress in public but I am too nervous about it!

emmi
xoxo

[trannie T]

As I try to crawl out of the closet I have given some thought about why I am reluctant to be out. Here are some reasons:

Nobody I know knows any other crossdressers so I will be regarded as a freak.
I am afraid of negative reactions.
I am afraid of being laughed at and subject to ridicule.
and I believe that the reason I am most reluctant to out myself is force of habit, I've been a closet case for so many years it is hard to get out.

I would happily stay hidden in the closet if it wasn't so much fun on the other side of the closet door.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Why are we in the closet? Perhaps because we fear ridicule or worse when we venture out in a skirt or dress. What fashion allows changes over the years, certainly for men as much as women, and when fashion decrees that men in skirts is OK, then we will be coming out more.

Acceptance by family and friends must also be something to be considered.

I agree, and I am out in public but not with family or friends. I find better acceptance with the public then what my family would say.

[nvlady]

I think PamelaTx got it 100% right. We can do it in the privacy of our own homes so nobody realizes how many of us there are. Also if we go out in public we try to pass and if we are successful at passing nobody realizes we are there.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a closet CD for these reasons:

1. Young teen daughter trying to find herself. Doesn't need an openly CD dad rite now.

2. I live in a family oriented community. My daughter and I would be completely segregated from nearly everyone, if I was seen out dressed just once.

3. Why go out to get rediculed? I can get that rite here! ( A joke, OK?) I can look OK using every trick in the book, in pics. But, up close? EEEEEEEK! Scary or freaky, take your pick. (Both maybe?)

4. I dress to suit myself! U only get to see some of my looks! If I dressed to go out in public, I mite bore myself silly, and at the same time, be worried I was making terrible mistakes with my looks.

5. Unless you're going out dressed to hang out with your CD buds, what's the point? I've got my daughter 4 days a week. I couldn't do that if I wanted to!

6. If you're TG/TS, you're not really CDing. It's who u r. I'm just a CD.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

We stand to lose way to much, It is not a good ideal to come out of the closet and I do not see use getting the same acceptance as gay , lesbian or bi people do, men dressing up in women clothes......that is just to taboo for society to acceptance.

There are some Cd's who are out of the closet and my hat is off to them and we have a lot of Cd's who are out of the closet and they go out dress shopping, dinner, clubs, moves and they represent us in very tasteful manner.

Then we have the cross dresser who is still in the closet that only dress at home and do not go out, some are in the closet because of were they live but want to go out, some are in the closet because they feel that they can not pass or do not yet have the confidence to go out.......But they want to go out.

And then you have the Cd's who have been dressing for years that do not go out or have no desirer to go out at all..there are more Cd's in the closet then those who go out.......it is just safer, but dose it help our community.......?



LA CINDY LOVE

[Patricia Johnson]

I think it goes a lot deeper than just being outed at work and people not receiving the news well. I think it also plays into the way that women are percieved overall.Unfortnately women are perceived as the weaker sex and men as the stonger sex. This perception makes it Ok for women to dress as men and society not mind as much because acting and imitating a man is what you shuould be doing. To want to act a dress like a woman is seen as odd because why would a person of the dominant role want to act like one from the lesser side? I think that what has to happen is from a societal perspective women's role and how they are perceived need to be re-evaluated and know that women most definitely aren't the weaker sex and to aspire to imitate is a great thing.

[Delila]

I think that it would even be an overstatement that being gay is completely accepted. I hate to admit but members of my family still use horribly foul language related to really anyone that is different particularly people that are gay. Needless to say their attitude towards CDers or really anone different is extremely negative. While this may not define all of the world there are still plenty of people out there that make it downright dangerous to appear different in any way.

[battybattybats]

Coming out is still a stressfull thing for many gay people so we shouldn't assume it's easy or simple for them.

But far more gay and lesbian people come out that CDs yet by most estimates CDs outnumber Gays.

Thing is, while the Drag Queens, TSs, CDs etc started the revolution at Compton Cafeteria and at Stonewall the Gays and Lesbians had the courage to keep up the struggle in numbers.

While a few TG folk kept it up many did not. While TG heroines and heroes like Syvia Riveira needed the support of the rest of us when the transphobes amongst the Gay and Lesbian groups tried to exclude them most CDs stayed hidden in the closet.

The reason most people associate all CDs as Drag Queens is they at least have had the courage to march for change and for rights.

And the community allowed itself to turn on itself in stupid bigotry that can still be seen in some CD organisations that dissallow gay CDs from joining. There were Homophobic CD bigots, Anti SRS CD and DQ bigots, Anti FtM bigots, anti non-binary bigots and of course the HBS 'true transsexuals' CD hating bigotry and thats just naming a few.

If we want to get to were the gays are the steps are simple:

1. Be Inclusive not exclusive. All aspects of Transgender from the early transition TS to the fetishists, sex workers and genderquuer all have shared issues and every group has at least some overlap with another. We also have major shared issues with the Intersex community, Gays and Lesbians, Indiginous peoples (who often have transgender cultural traditions), disability groups (DSM, unethical treatment of children, affordable treatment, general discrimination and more) and other groups. We need to work together, cooperate, to challenge and destroy our own bigotry and not push out the different or less mainstream just as we don't like being excluded or discriminated for our personal differences.

2. Be active even from the closet. Ok so many just aren't ready to be out. Well you can still do things from the closet. You can stand up against derogatory coments in your presence, sign petitions, write comments on articles, write letters, donate spare change, buy pro-TG products and vote in ways that help the community without ever admitting your a CD.

3. Try to be brave. Sure we have a lot to lose, but did the Gays and Lesbians not? Of course they did! They had the same risks in the past that we have now. That doesn't mean everyone should be out, its easier/safer for some than for others, but we should not be paralysed by fear. Some have to be courageous enough to take risks and make change.

4. Support those braver than yourself. Those who are out need support and defence. Even if you stay in the closet if there are any out in your community then befriend them. Go out with them, be seen with them. It will provide them with vastly increased safety. It's one thing to defend remaining in the closet personally for work and for family but its another thing alltogether to argue you cant be seen with an out CD/TS etc! We need to help those courageous enough to do what we dare not, who take the risks we dare not face. Supporting the out is like supporting soldiers at war when we remain at home safe, it's an obligation.

[Sheila]

"Why are crossdressers, still in the cultural closet ?" Kelly


I guess cos u fear what peeps think of you, and for many even if the choice was there, I doubt they would take it ... IMHO u have to be comfortable to be who oyu are before facing others and unfortunately so very very few of you are.

Many many of you talk the talk but are unwilling to walk the walk, and nothing in society will get changed by peeps unless they are willing to risk challenging "society norms" ........... then there are those who are awaiting the trail blazers to go do what needs to be done, for them to enjoy the fruits of their labour :straightface:

[Natasha Carlo]

For me personally, I have a very homophobic family. Homophobic to the point of unrelenting ridicule.

And as far as going out dressed goes, I'm just fearful that I'd cross paths with closed minded, hateful people. I've read far too many news stories of gay men, and TG people being attacked/killed because of who they are.

People really do suck sometimes :(

[Satrana]

Because our behavior is easy to hide we can enjoy the fruits of normality without having to deal with the harsher reality of being an outsider. We choose the easy path, not the hard path.
Our isolationism guarantees that we will choose the easy path.

And we are not the last ones in the closet by a long shot. There are lots of other activities which are also still taboo from furries to BDSM

[Melissa_B]

Some CD's, because of their general physical attributes are just not passable. While this is not a problem at TG events, it will cause these CD's to get ridiculed in public. I believe this increases the percentage of CD's who are still in the closet.

[Crissy Kay]

Its also because some, me included, just have no interest in going out "dressed" at all.

[jennylogan]

People are like water and electricity. They will always take the easiest path of least resistance until an even easier path is found. Society, for whatever myriad of reasons finds it very easy to denigrate us and is generally completely unaccepting of our community. The cd's easiest path of least resistance is to remain hidden from the scorn and derision sure to be heaped upon the unfortunate cd who is outed. I would walk out the front door dressed en femme in a Kentucky heartbeat if I knew that my appearance would not matter. The truth of the situation is that if a neighbor saw me even so much as walking to the mailbox in what I am now wearing, the repercussions would be immediate and longlasting. I get along very well with all my neigbors but it would be sideways stupid to think that if they saw me dressed as Jennifer there would not be grave consequences to our friendships.

Therefore the easiest path is to stay hidden behind the safety of my locked doors and drawn shades. My high heeled pumps go off to the relatively brave few souls who dare flaunt convention out of doors in familiar environs. I have been out many times in public but never in the immediate area of where I live. The risks are too great to my career, my family, and my well being. Ergo, I remain hidden in plain view waiting in vain for the day when society accepts me en femme. I wish it weren't so but than again I wish I was a size 12 again. Neither is going to happen any time soon, if ever.

[trisha59]

Cross dressing is still considered a big joke. The easiest way to get a laugh in the movies or on TV is to dress the male as a girl. And that has been going on for as long as their have been movies and TV.

[Deborah Jane]

Because there are too many idiots out there who think their view of us right, no matter how ill informed or ignorant of us they actually are :Angry3:

I,ve been out a few times in darkness and the only thing that stops me going out in daylight is i,d sooner not deal with society,s a**holes!
I don,t want the grief and they don,t need the "return"!!

It,s not down to whether we pass or not, it,s down to the fact that people can,t accept anything differant from society,s so called "norms". So until society sorts itself out we will always have to contend with it,s a**holes :Angry3:

:sb: Ok, rant over!!

[Veronica27]

It struck me today as I was reading some replys here and thinking about my own life. Cross Dressers seem to be the last ones in the closet. It's no big deal anymore if someone announces, that they are Gay, Lesbian or Bi, but Cross Dressing seems to be the one area, that our culture has a hard time accepting. So my question is, "Why are crossdressers, still in the cultural closet ?"

Kelly


PS. I do go out dressed occasionaly.

A good and helpful thread. I think that the reasons why individuals remain in the closet are quite obvious and have been spelled out very well in the other replies to this thread. A more meaningful question might be 'In this supposedly enlightened age, why are these reasons still allowed to persist?'.

Veronica

P.S. I have been "out" several times under somewhat controlled circumstances (C.D. events, Halloween, midnight drives, etc.), but remain mostly closeted.

[Sheila]

Because there are too many idiots out there who think their view of us right, no matter how ill informed or ignorant of us they actually are :Angry3:

I,ve been out a few times in darkness and the only thing that stops me going out in daylight is i,d sooner not deal with society,s a**holes!
I don,t want the grief and they don,t need the "return"!!

It,s not down to whether we pass or not, it,s down to the fact that people can,t accept anything differant from society,s so called "norms". So until society sorts itself out we will always have to contend with it,s a**holes :Angry3:

:sb: Ok, rant over!!

but we are society hun

[Deborah Jane]

but we are society hun

I know, it sucks dunnit :sad:
I think i need to find a deserted island somewhere, where i can be myself :daydreaming:

[Sheila]

I know, it sucks dunnit :sad:
I think i need to find a deserted island somewhere, where i can be myself :daydreaming:

naw, just some good friends to go out with in a crowd :hugs:

[Karren H]

Don't really know why gays or lesbians were ever in the closet anyway.. More like the bedroom... But for us.. We'll always be in the closet.. Cause that's where you hang your pretty clothes!! :D

[Cary]

Don't really know why gays or lesbians were ever in the closet anyway.. More like the bedroom... But for us.. We'll always be in the closet.. Cause that's where you hang your pretty clothes!! :D

Karren, I love your spirit!

[immike]

For me personally, I have a very homophobic family. Homophobic to the point of unrelenting ridicule.

And as far as going out dressed goes, I'm just fearful that I'd cross paths with closed minded, hateful people. I've read far too many news stories of gay men, and TG people being attacked/killed because of who they are.

People really do suck sometimes :(
I agree with Natasha Carlo,absolutely,unequivocably? I am secretly in the closet,as well
because I am guilty of secretly dressing in Mom's good wardrobe,mostly her dresses,shoes,skirts,tops,blouses.I usually find myself in her closet,dressing in her good
skirtsuits/w hose,ordered out of a womans catalog&I also love to wear her silk blouses&
all of her jewelry,as well

[PamelaTX]

So until society sorts itself out we will always have to contend with it,s a**holes

And what makes you think that society is ever going to sort itself out? People won't change their attitudes unless there is a significant reason to do so.

I'm not advocating any sort of activism, because that whole scene bores me, I'm simply making an observation. There is no pressure on people to change their attitudes about crossdressing, therefore attitudes won't change.

[Deborah Jane]

Well society sucks!!!!

[Shelly Preston]

Hey, there's something wrong here.

Just imagine, there are two CDs living in the same neighbourhood in Ambridge, Borsetshire (or Hicksville, Wichigan, whatever). One of them goes out and the other one stays in the closet.

Now, what makes no. 2 stay in?

It's not the neighbourhood, it's not society, it's not the crime rate, it's not the whole western culture blah blah blah... because these things are identical for both of them.

Shakespeare said it:
The fault dear Brutus lies not in our stars
But in ourselves that we are underlings.

Can't argue with Shakespeare.

I think it will be because the individual circumstances are different

What will happen if someone finds out ?
How will it affect their families ?
Will it affect their job ?

No two people are ever the same

[Nicole Erin]

Karren, I love your spirit!

Karren did not just come out of the closet, she kicked the door clean off the hinges with a jumping side kick that would have Chuck Norris trembling in fear. :heehee:

So I can't add anything that has not been added.

Thing is, people say "until society accepts us" but it is gong to take work, on OUR part. Yes it is scary. Yes there is risk involved.

Everyone who knows me knows that I CD. Some have seen it some have not.
And even tho Halloween, tomorrow over 100 people at work will get to see it instead of just always hearing about it.

And you know what? It hit me hard as I was leaving work today, I thought "Oh my god tomorrow is the day. I am so nervous I want to cry. But I also know that when fear rears it's ugly face, one has to look it in the eye and say "F*** Off!" :Angry3:

If you can work towards acceptance like I try to do, get out there and fight!

[Dr.Susan]

Because cross dressing blurs to many lines. Not just who you sleep with.

[Sammy777]

Cross Dressers seem to be the last ones in the closet.
It's no big deal anymore if someone announces, that they are Gay, Lesbian or Bi, but Cross Dressing seems to be the one area, that our culture has a hard time accepting.
So my question is, "Why are crossdressers, still in the cultural closet ?" Kelly


The world [for the most part] has become a better place for gay, lesbian, bi people.
I think Hollywood making it fashionable for women to be Lesbian or Bi has helped out women and has also helped out gay men some.
But it is not like anybody is throwing parades or starting a national coming out day for any of them.
GLB people may have it easier now then before, but I still think there is a long way for society to go on accepting them.

I think the main factor GLB people have over CD'ers is that once they come out to family/friends/whoever that is it.
Nothing about them [usually] tells any passerby/stranger that they are gay/lesbian/bi.

Yes, they walk among us, and I'm happy for them!

The rub for us is a GLB person has the choice of telling or not telling anyone they meet or see about themselves.

While on the other hand we [while dressed & out] are basically wearing a sign saying "man in a dress". The ones lucky enough to pass, do just that & go unnoticed.

Plus we are hit with a double wammy as most people think CD'ers are all automatically gay as well.
Like we are some strange offshoot of the gay community.
I say offshoot because the general thinking of people is CD=Gay, but yet people don't think that every gay person CD's. I find that odd, but anyway.

I'm not trying to belittle or bash gay cd'ers or gay people in general, but it pisses me off that the #1 question we seem to get asked when coming out is "Are you gay?"
I willing to bet the #1 question asked of gay people coming out is NOT "Do you dress like a girl".

Like others have said, YES we, meaning all CD/TG/TS have to stop the so called infighting & start playing nice with each other. Once we as a group accept each other then maybe society as a whole will start to do the same.

[yms]

Last night Lori and I were watching one of the endless re-runs of "Law and Order."

In this episode, pieces of a dismembered body are found in various trash cans around a neighborhood. The police trace the victim to his girlfriend, who turns out to be a man dressed as a woman.

Now this man had once been tried for murdering his wife, ten years earlier, but acquitted, and was using a stolen identity to hide from his past.

He admits to dismembering the body but not to the murder. When asked why, he says that the police would never believe he wasn't the killer, given his past. The man comes from a prominent family that didn't know he was a crossdresser.

One of the assistant DA's says - I am not making this up -

"Better he was a murderer than a crossdresser."

OMG

That is what we're up against.

[Alice Torn]

We are all such complex minds, and different situations, upbringing, and experinces, religion, etc affect us. I am considering going for a night drive, stop, and walk to throw some trash in a store garbage can, maybe walk down a strip mall sidewalk, or go get gas. I did that three yrs ago,, and was out dressed a whole summer day, in a sexy sleeveless dress, dark hose, and 4" heels. I was read a number of times, partly because of my being six foot ten in heels, and partly, because of a way too small first wig, and fairly broad shoulders. I would say, over 100 people saw me. I was in pink fog. For some reason, i am having less guts to go out, now, as I live in one helluva rough area! I have had badass rednecks give me trouble, and gang types. I grew up in farm country in Illinois, and was a bit of a rightwing, redneck , but always was sensitive, to the odd, disenfranchised types. Something tells me, that the western world, is heading into extremely dangerous times, where it may not be safe , whether in drab, but especially dolled up, out alone. In the closet is safest, but it is daring, to step out. Some areas are safer, than others. I.m rambling, now. preaching to the choir.

[maid phylis]

my answer to that question is that a lot of girls either have no where to go or they are still afraid to go out.for me it also took a long time and i finally met some people that took me under their wing and helped me to have the courage to really do it.my first time out wes with femme fever in new york and from there i joined cdi also in new york.you just have to get over the first time going out dressed and have a good time.now this all depends where you live .here in new york city we have a pretty tolerant population and we are mostly accepted so thats my answer to a very good question:love:phylisanne

[Kelly DeWinter]

What wonderful reply's. I know that if I am out and about by myself, I do feel nervous, but when i am with a group of friends i feel good. I do know that when I am out and about with friends, I felll ... protected, safe. We at times get 'the look'.

Back to the original question, I think that CDing is the last area of the blurring of genders, to confront society as a whole. Yes there will be areas in the world where it will never be accepted, but then again there are areas where the color of your skin still bothers people. I was shocked a year ago, to be traveling in the deep south, and still heard racial epitaths, like it was the 1950's all over. Even in baltimore where i live so close to the Captital the things that happen are shocking.

One thing i do know, is that we girls are paving the way for future generations every knight we step out in heels. I applaud everyone for their courage.

Kelly

[meg_dc_00]

I think its because of gender status and societies value masulinity more than femininity.

While women are "allowed" to dress like men (its a step up), if men do the opposite, its considered demeaning (a step down).

Things are getting a little better, in DC it was illegal to dress up like a woman in public until the 70's.

[Maria2222]

"Why are crossdressers, still in the cultural closet ?"

Kelly


PS. I do go out dressed occasionaly.

Because I don't want the verbal confrontation and possible physical assault of having to deal with other people's conception and demands of who and what I should be.

[jayme357]

Well said! By the way, I'm from Central PA. (Hershey). You are a delightfully articulate young lady.

[jayme357]

Sorry, that last comment was for Jenny Logan

[Maria2222]

Rats. I thought someone called me young lady. LOL.
:) :) :)

[DeborahAnne]

The problem with being a crossdresser is that you will stand out by your obvious dress code. I myself am Bisexual and have no problem in admitting it to friends but do have a block in telling them that I also crossdress, though I suspect some know, I do manage to get to CD/TV events and have attempted to go out alone although failed but have gone out with others in support. I also go to Gay clubs. not dressed but in drab, although I am not gay I still like both women and men but have found that Gay men and Women shun anyone that crossdresses.
Debby xxx

[mainer]

I can't imagine anything but being in the closet; I live in a small state, Maine, am known in my profession, would fear losing everything. Admittedly, I'm just starting out, but can't imagine how I would get to coming out of the closet.

[sometimes_miss]

I can't imagine why this is even questioned.

[charlie]

I'm completely in the closet when it comes to most family members and friends. My job would be jeopardized, my friends would not understand it and my mother would take to her bed! I go out every time that I dress, except it is away from the area that I live. I go off on business about 4 days per week and it is then that I enjoy being Charlie. I don't think that the people that know me would probably recognize Charlie anyway, but if they did I would have nothing but troubles. Most of us are in the closet because we fear the reaction of the people that we love, respect or work for/with.

[kimmy p]

I wish that I wasn't. I have a really hard time occasionally in hiding my personal taste in clothes and jewelry. Why do I still??? For a couple of reasons. 1st I have my own small business as a massage therapist, and it's hard enough to develop clients as a male without people knowing about my clothing preferences. 2nd my wife wishes that I stay quiet about it, and I can respect that. Life can be hard enough married to me without hearing insults and getting questioned by the uninformed masses. :D If things change in the future, and my wife changes her opinion; I may still say screw it and take my lumps. I have no contact with my family, and I think that my friends are open enough to still stay my friends.

[kimmy p]

I guess one other reason is that I recently saw in the news that a large religious group is trying to take the beating or murder of a gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and cd off of the hate crimes list. Ah, those loving zealots and they're open mindedness.

[Magickman]

Minnesota's Man in a Skirt begs to differ.

While I get some double-take looks, and provide comic relief for the unwashed, dressing in public is no longer a big deal for me. Just something I do.

At a local area tavern, where I go to watch Karaoke, if I am not wearing a skirt and heels, the regulars ask what happened to my outfit.

At the shops where I trade, the cashier gals always want to see my manicure.

At singles dance parties that I attend, when I am dressed, the women ask me to dance.

When I am a pedestrian, people in passing cars honk, whistle, clap and cheer.

This weekend, I have a blind date to go dancing, with a woman who knows that I will be dressed up for the event, and she asked me to wear a short skirt.

In the area where I live, absolutely never do I see men in heels and skirts, except when I look in the mirror.

But no one seems too upset at my fashion styling.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Why are crossdressers in still in the closet...because they can.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Jess_cd32]

Rats. I thought someone called me young lady. LOL.
:) :) :)

Hey hotlegs!!!! hows that instead Maria ;-)

I really see no benefit at this point to out myself to anyone but my SO which should be soon as I'm not planning a trip out anytime soon anyways.

[NewDresser]

i know i am in the closet because there are people in my life that i care to much about to lose that probably wouldn't understand and its likely i would be rejected for it.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

The risks and consequences outweighs any benifit to coming completely out for me right now. I'm not ready to risk losing my job. I also have to think about not only my reputation but my extended families. The community I live in is very close knit, I would not want my wife and other family members to have to explain in church why I am a CD and face ridicule and discrimination along with me. I guess for me maybe I would could possibly handle the worse that could happen from going out in public and getting outted, however I feel it would be unfair to cause my family to have to go through it with me.

[izzfan]

Why am I in the closet? Interesting question as I am not really that much in the closet about being Bi but I am still mostly in the closet about being a CD?

I guess with CDing, it isn't as well understood by most people as being gay, bi, lesbian etc... is. Also, unlike being gay, bi, lesbian - if you are out "En Femme" then it is very obvious to everyone else and tends to make you feel very self-conscious whereas unless someone is kissing, holding hands etc.. with someone of the same sex then it is obvious that they are gay/bi/lesbian but if they are on their own then there is no way of telling and they can "blend in" whether they are out or not.

Also, I guess I have a lot of issues with being in the closet and I guess it has kind of become a habit of mine. A lot of people know me and I don't know how they would react if I came out.

In addition to this, there is the whole issue of confidence. I really don't have that much confidence even when I am not crossdressing and I don't think I would be able to go out "En Femme" without hiding in a corner the instant someone even looked at me.

If society was a bit more understanding/accepting then I would be out there in less time than it takes to read this post. But until then, I guess I will stay hidden until next Halloween or until I work up the courage to come out.

[ElaineB]

The risks and consequences outweighs any benifit to coming completely out for me right now.

That is about right for me too. I have little to lose by coming out but even less to gain.

[Sam-antha]

Its a strange world really. There are those of us who are physically able to go out and do.
There are those who could get by outside, but who do not.
But going out to known people is a no go for either group.
Acceptance by the street is one thing to us but we do remain afraid of the consequences of this hidden life resulting from its exposure to family, friends and job.
Perhaps we feel no different to any criminal who has hidden his past from friends and neighbours ?
Not that I think of us as being in the least criminal.
~S~

[Goddess]

I am a GG. I think that society as a whole is not ready to accept men dressed as women, although I have the luxury of wearing men's clothing.

Katrina wears woman's clothes to bed, and I worry that there will be an emergency at night and she will be seen dressed. Our kids accept all gay, bi and lesbian friends, but I'm not sure they would be so loving and giving finding out their daddy is a CD'er.

We have several friends who are gay, but we don't know any other CD'ers outside of her.....

Personally I am quite liberal, but society isn't ready for y'all to come out of the closet. I myself worry that someone will find out...an accident, fire, etc....

I don't want other people to know....I accept Katrina for who she is. She loves me. I love her and him. I guess I love HIM more, but he is who he is and he is tops in my book.

I was surprised the first time she dressed for me at how feminine she really is. I was comparing myself. No, she couldn't pass in "society" but it was eerie. Katrina is much more feminine than I.

Why don't I want other people to know? Because it would rain ridicule and hate on us. It's the same reason I don't want my kids marrying outside of their race. I'm not a racist, but it sure would be easier on my grandkids not be biracial.

[Cari]

I dont really know for certain how to express this and hope I dont offend anyone: but I wonder if most people may question their sexual orientation at one point ; but gender is a sure thing for them.

If that is the case it would certainly make it easier to accept someone with a different sexual orientation, than someone with a different gender expression.

Just an idea.

Cari

[Jamie001]

I believe the reason that gay people are more readily accepted is that they don't look different than anyone else and therefore even though a lot of people are orejudiced against gays, they can ignore it because they look like everyone else that they are used to. On the other hand, CDs look different. Interestingly enough, women wear men's clothing without ridicule.



I dont really know for certain how to express this and hope I dont offend anyone: but I wonder if most people may question their sexual orientation at one point ; but gender is a sure thing for them.

If that is the case it would certainly make it easier to accept someone with a different sexual orientation, than someone with a different gender expression.

Just an idea.

Cari

[txrobinm]

I guess one other reason is that I recently saw in the news that a large religious group is trying to take the beating or murder of a gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and cd off of the hate crimes list. Ah, those loving zealots and they're open mindedness.

Christians should be in sales, not management. It's not my job to judge.


Interestingly enough, women wear men's clothing without ridicule.

...but they don't apply fake facial hair, take on a man's name/persona, change their hair to a "boy's" cut, either.

[Jamie001]

Goddess,

I apologize in advance because this is not a popular answer, but nevertheless, it is what I truely believe.

I believe that you have the luxury of wearing women's clothing because you are most likely not attempting to make folks believe that you are a man. I believe that if men were to incorporate feminine cothing into their wardrobe without attempting to make folks believe that they are women; socienty may be much more tolerant of them.

I believe thaty you may be overreacting a little abount the consequences of Katrina's secret being discovered. Take for example, Rudy Guilanni. A Republican and a self-admitted crossdresser. His publically ackkowledged crossdressing didn't really harm him. I know that you could say that he isn't currently president of the United Stated, but nevertheless, he is still a successful politician with a loyal following. I believe that we tend to be ruled by fear and tend to assume that the worst possible outcome will occur if katrina's secret if revealed. I believe that in most cases that just isn't true. Gays and Lesbians had the same fears when they came out of the closet. I am not saying that it was a bed of roses, but in the majority of the cases, it certainly wasn't as bad as some had anticipated.

The United Stated is supposed to be a free country with freedom of expression being one of your freedoms as an American. If we allow society to strip us of that freedom, then we will forever remain in the closet and crossdressers as a whole will never make any progress. Gays and Lesbians took a chance and that is why they are more accepted in society today. Crossdressers must stop cowering in the closet and get other there and be proud of who and what they are!! It will not be a bed of roses and some of us will get bloody noses, but that is the price to be paid for advancement.

We need to ask ourselves several questions.

1. If I can't be myself, what is the purpose? It is really a miserable situation to be in.

2. If folks can't accept you being yourself, then they are not really your friends and/or really don't love you. You are not doing anything that is illegal! Even criminal's family and friends still love them.

3. Do I want to stay in the closet in fear for the rest of my life? Can I make a difference like a lot of gay and lesbian folks have done regarding obtaining acceptance and equality in society? (hint, if I stay in the closet, I certainly cannot)

:2c: Jamie




I am a GG. I think that society as a whole is not ready to accept men dressed as women, although I have the luxury of wearing men's clothing.

Katrina wears woman's clothes to bed, and I worry that there will be an emergency at night and she will be seen dressed. Our kids accept all gay, bi and lesbian friends, but I'm not sure they would be so loving and giving finding out their daddy is a CD'er.

We have several friends who are gay, but we don't know any other CD'ers outside of her.....

Personally I am quite liberal, but society isn't ready for y'all to come out of the closet. I myself worry that someone will find out...an accident, fire, etc....

I don't want other people to know....I accept Katrina for who she is. She loves me. I love her and him. I guess I love HIM more, but he is who he is and he is tops in my book.

I was surprised the first time she dressed for me at how feminine she really is. I was comparing myself. No, she couldn't pass in "society" but it was eerie. Katrina is much more feminine than I.

Why don't I want other people to know? Because it would rain ridicule and hate on us. It's the same reason I don't want my kids marrying outside of their race. I'm not a racist, but it sure would be easier on my grandkids not be biracial.

[tanya1976]

I think this is a really interesting question that brings up lots of valid points. For me the ridicule issue is a big one. I really dislike, in fact I hate, the way crossdressers are represented through the popular media either film or television; from Pyscho to Silence of the Lambs it is always a really negative portrayal. There are also two adverts currently running in the UK both of which feature less than flattering portrayals of crossdressers. Although I suppose we are also guilty of taking ourselves a little too serious from time to time. Having said that I'm not sure how my family would react. I think they just wouldn't get it. But then it's always that catch 22. Say nothing and create your own worst scenario or take a chance...

[Tomara]

Personally , I have to put my business and my financial stability before my need to come out of the closet so to speak . I do enjoy where I am with my cross dressing and do not feel the need to put my livelihood at risk.
Tomara

[Maria2222]

Lack of social acceptance. Plus my wife would have a fit. I don't want to upset that apple cart.
Also, CD's don't have the same legal protections that gays, lesbians, and transgendereds have. When did you ever read in the paper about a CD who sued and won because they were fired for being a CD.

[Jamie001]

In my opinion, by not coming out to your friends and family, for me, that would be creating my own little Hell. If you can't be yourself with your friends and family, then is it worth it?

Family that loves you will accept you. Friends that do not accept you were never really your friends. ln reality they are acquaintences pretending to be friends. They are not worth having as friends.

:2c: Jamie


I think this is a really interesting question that brings up lots of valid points. For me the ridicule issue is a big one. I really dislike, in fact I hate, the way crossdressers are represented through the popular media either film or television; from Pyscho to Silence of the Lambs it is always a really negative portrayal. There are also two adverts currently running in the UK both of which feature less than flattering portrayals of crossdressers. Although I suppose we are also guilty of taking ourselves a little too serious from time to time. Having said that I'm not sure how my family would react. I think they just wouldn't get it. But then it's always that catch 22. Say nothing and create your own worst scenario or take a chance...

Why do you need legal protection if you follow the company dress code when at work and don't CD at work? When you are not at work, the company doesn't own your time and you can do as you wish. I am not suggesting crossdressing at work as that may cause problems but you should be able to be yourself in your personal life.


Lack of social acceptance. Plus my wife would have a fit. I don't want to upset that apple cart.
Also, CD's don't have the same legal protections that gays, lesbians, and transgendereds have. When did you ever read in the paper about a CD who sued and won because they were fired for being a CD.

[Lisa Golightly]

Personally I don't have an issue, or see a reason not to be true to myself.

[Jamie001]

Lisa,

I completely agree with you. What is the purpose of life if you are living a lie and not being yourself? That situation can make life a miserable existance plagued with all kinds of mental problems and depression. Not a pretty picture. If you can't be true to your self, then you can't be true to anyone else. It is just a facade.

Jamie


Personally I don't have an issue, or see a reason not to be true to myself.

[Maxi]

Where I used to live my neighbor Leon, was trasitioning to Leondra. She lived with her mother. Talk about nice people to have for neighbors. Very quiet, and kept to them selves, and always willing to help. Some of my other neighbors had a problem with it. I would just ask them if they would rather have a drug dealer in the neighborhood? That always shut them up.
People with issues with crossdressers are insecure in their own sexuality.
If you are comfortable with who you are, you don't see it as an issue.

[Carly D.]

Why are we in the closet? Perhaps because we fear ridicule or worse when we venture out in a skirt or dress. What fashion allows changes over the years, certainly for men as much as women, and when fashion decrees that men in skirts is OK, then we will be coming out more.

Acceptance by family and friends must also be something to be considered.

I couldn't have said it better..

[CandyDarling]

Its because everyone thinks we are funny. Also I think that there is a lot of illusion in the CD's mind. We think we look much better than we do. I know for every good pic I take there are 10 that make me realise why I don't go out !

[docrobbysherry]

I know, it sucks dunnit :sad:
I think i need to find a deserted island somewhere, where i can be myself :daydreaming:

If ALL the CDs here pooled their funds, we could BUY an island! :D

CDing would not only be legal, it would be a REQUIREMENT to land on our island! Of course, recognisable GGs would be allowed in. We could have a room with misc. ladies clothing items for guys that showed up and didn't know the rules!:D

With real estate dropping like a rock, this would be a GREAT time to buy!

Now, we just need to agree on where it should be located! Mediteranean? Carribean? South Pacific? USA; East coast or West coast?:thumbsup:

I'll volunteer to hold the funds!:heehee:

[Kristen Kelly]

Because there are too many idiots out there who think their view of us right, no matter how ill informed or ignorant of us they actually are :Angry3:

I,ve been out a few times in darkness and the only thing that stops me going out in daylight is i,d sooner not deal with society,s a**holes!
I don,t want the grief and they don,t need the "return"!!

It,s not down to whether we pass or not, it,s down to the fact that people can,t accept anything differant from society,s so called "norms". So until society sorts itself out we will always have to contend with it,s a**holes :Angry3:

:sb: Ok, rant over!!

I had my fears of going out some 3 years ago, but those fears were worst than reality. I have come out to neighbors, friends, and some family, but not work yet, and the reactions were great. I am more of a TS than a CD and for me this was a must, I had to come out to accept myself. I now get out everywhere and everywhere, day and night and although I don't totally pass I know how to blend and do it very well. I have been out and answered questions put to me by people I have met, and they have come away a little more educated.

"Closets are for Clothes" and with all I have I need the space.

[marny]

maxi... Good answer!

[Hali]

I guess the main reason why CDs are in the closet is because of fear of ridicule and alot more dangers and loses a CD wil incure when 'outed' ..... if there will be understandin by the general public, or lets say CDing becomes 'cool' to do, about 90% of CDs might 'come out'.

[crusadergirl]

The reason i don't go out anymore is not fear its mainly b/c i'm to lazy to get dressed or that i'm so use to being a guy.

[Kelsy]

I think that there is a lot of illusion in the CD's mind. We think we look much better than we do. I know for every good pic I take there are 10 that make me realise why I don't go out !

Excelent point! The pink fog says yes and reality says no way. I love Cding I hate Humiliation. where I live it would be social suicide to go out.

[Raya]

My opinion: Because everybody is waiting for somebody else to take the brunt of being the first one out.

I'll probably offend a lot of people with this, but c'est la vie. In my opinion, too many CDers are unwilling to give up the advantages they gained letting the world think that they were typical white, heterosexual, cissexual, and/or Christian males. A lot of what they've earned came under the aegis of that privilege, and they're scared of having to live without it. Career, family, friends: with everything they get with that privilege, they become ever more beholden to a world that fears and hates who they are. With everything they get, it becomes easier and easier to justify staying in the warm, safe closet...

When people say the transgender rights movement is 40 years behind the gay rights movement, I'm starting to see exactly what they mean. AFAICT, the Stonewall riots (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots) were sparked by two groups of gay people: those who couldn't walk into the closet if they tried, and those who couldn't afford the acceptable oppression of the roomy gilded closets that defined upper-class gay life. The ones who started the fight were the ones who had nothing to lose because they owed nothing to the straight world.

[Marjory]

Let's face it, television does not give us a good rap. I see CDs depicted as: gay, serial killers and(nothing wrong with this) as wanting a sex change. We are never depicted as solid family men with a little hobby on the side. I think, as a group for real, we are heterosexual, most of us are fairly smart and are either professionals or hold a good job. We are more faithful to our wives than most men. For some yet undetermined reason we like to dress in women's clothes. I still don't know what the answer is though.

[Genifer Teal]

I think we are still in the closet because we are still in the closet. Add to that, many girls who are out make every attempt to pass so no one knows they are out. Someone has to take the first step. If the public never learns about us, they will only know what the media has to say about us - which is usually not good.

We need to get out there and educate the public that while this may be different (from their perspective) it is harmless behavior. We are just misunderstood. Untill enough of us do that, we will never increase the general publics awareness and understanding of our situation.

It is certainly a tough road to forge. No one will do it for us. Untill we are willing to take the risks for the betterment of all of us, we will always remain in the closet - as a whole.

Gen