Now I know my real problem of CD'ing

[Nicole Erin]

So as I am kinda preparing for tomorrow, my CD day at work, halloween parade, I pull off my tee to try on a pretty blouse, the one I wear in the avatar, and actually look at myself in the mirror. and while there is the spare tire, my bare torso still looks like football linebacker's. Arms, shoulders, chest, still looking rugged from years of weightlifting and doing physical labor.

I think "Oh my gyod, why do I insist on wearing pretty clothes?"
It makes no sense to me.
I tend to worry what people think. it is sometimes to the point where I want to ask every person I know for their permission to be me...

And now I know what it is, I have a hard time accepting myself, even after 11 years of being who I am.

MAybe someone looks at the scrawny guys and would not be shocked that they like to dress en femme [sorry squirts, but at least you pass well. ;) ] but as a male I look pretty intimidating. I don't look like someone who would cry at certain songs, know about clothes and makeup, or give his car a girl name.

I am usually the first one to jump all over "Get out there and be you" Sometimes I do just get out there.
It just really sucks having a brain that is a good part female [and some male] and a body that a lot of men would be jealous of. Having those two, self acceptance does not come easy. I can usually ignore that guilt but some days, like today, it is yelling at me.
What gives?
Erin

[2B Natasha]

Girlfriend, where you in my head roaming around? I thought I heard some noise up there, like some one opened my pandoras box of self doubt and loathing.

Your not alone. Just ignore the voices as best you can. They will go away, sometime. When mine do I'll let you know and we'll drink champagne and laugh till the wee hours of the morning.

[pamela_a]

Oh my gyod, why do I insist on wearing pretty clothes?The answer to this is simple. It's because the beautiful woman in you wants to show the rest of the world just how great she really is. I can understand how you feel, I'm not a small girl by any stretch of the imagination, but IMO you just have to believe in yourself. I believe there is only ONE person we have to convince it's right and good, and that's you. Once you do that you can do anything.

Be confident in yourself and you can do anything. Chin up girl, you'll look great and do wonderfully tomorrow. I believe.

Hugs and good thoughts

-Paula-

[Violet]

I think "Oh my gyod, why do I insist on wearing pretty clothes?"
It makes no sense to me.
I tend to worry what people think. it is sometimes to the point where I want to ask every person I know for their permission to be me...

And now I know what it is, I have a hard time accepting myself, even after 11 years of being who I am.

MAybe someone looks at the scrawny guys and would not be shocked that they like to dress en femme [sorry squirts, but at least you pass well. ;) ] but as a male I look pretty intimidating. I don't look like someone who would cry at certain songs, know about clothes and makeup, or give his car a girl name.

Have you ever watched What Not To Wear? A lot of the GGs on that program struggle with similar issues, thinking they don't 'deserve' to wear nice or pretty or flattering clothes because they aren't a size 6 or they have a flat chest or they are really, really short and regular pants don't fit them.

The thing is (and I'm not trying to take away from your struggle here, I'm really not) women come in all shapes and sizes, too. I had a friend in high school who used to tell people she was 5'12" tall because she hated saying she was 6'. And she wasn't model thin, either, she was truly Amazonian. There are women who have no butt or no hips or broad shoulders or flat chests. So even if you aren't one of the 'scrawny ones,' it doesn't mean you are really out of place, either.

Some days, your self esteem just takes a beating, no matter how "just get out there!" you usually are. I have those days. My fiance has those days. He works in construction and has a body that a lot of men would be jealous of and he wants breasts. My brother cries at certain songs or movies or when something really upsets him (though he isn't a CD, to my knowledge).

Some days, it's not easy to just be.

And I thought all cars were female! My dad's '65 Mustang is a she, it seems all muscle cars are shes...

Anyway, I hope your day gets better.

[suzy cool]

I know what you mean. But maybe you're just a little nervous and over critical today. You might have a really fun time and then you'll not worry about it at all. I hope you have a nice day.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I think "Oh my gyod, why do I insist on wearing pretty clothes?"
It makes no sense to me.

Think of it this way, you like pretty clothes because you like pretty clothes. Kind of like how I don't like peas.


I tend to worry what people think. it is sometimes to the point where I want to ask every person I know for their permission to be me...

Ditto



And now I know what it is, I have a hard time accepting myself, even after 11 years of being who I am.

31 years since I first crossdressed for me, and it's still hard, though I'm getting better.


MAybe someone looks at the scrawny guys and would not be shocked that they like to dress en femme [sorry squirts, but at least you pass well. ;)]

Maybe. Some say that the less scrawny girls pass better because they look "softer". I'm 5' 6" (167cm). Now just saying that would make some jealous, ie "shorter transfolk are more passable". But I also weigh quite a bit, I don't have a scale currently and frankly I might not want to know how fat I am, but I bet it's around 180lbs (81.81kg). I hate my torso, neck and shoulders. If there was such a thing as Shoulder-neck-torso feminization surgery I'd be more interested in that than say FFS.

But the word "passing" is a dirty word and I hate using it and regret using it when I use it. I think we should focus more on being presentable and having a sense of style/fashion/makeup. Take board member Ms. Kathryn http://www.alaska.net/~kathryn/kathryn.htm She is not scrawny, but my goodness is she stylish. And I've seen fashionable/stylish transfolk in every size imaginable.




I think that's more a condemnation of society as a whole, how we judge people on how they look.



It just really sucks having a brain that is a good part female [and some male] and a body that a lot of men would be jealous of. Having those two, self acceptance does not come easy. I can usually ignore that guilt but some days, like today, it is yelling at me.
What gives?
Erin

You are having a case of the fuglies. Some say the cure is shopping therapy. :-)



Have you ever watched What Not To Wear? A lot of the GGs on that program struggle with similar issues, thinking they don't 'deserve' to wear nice or pretty or flattering clothes because they aren't a size 6 or they have a flat chest or they are really, really short and regular pants don't fit them.

So even if you aren't one of the 'scrawny ones,' it doesn't mean you are really out of place, either.

Darn tootin.



Some days, it's not easy to just be.

And don't I know it. :-)

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Nicole Erin]

Thanks ladies...
Maybe it will be easier tomorrow if I hear a couple "You look really good" comments.

I Just that one guy at work doesn't want a peek up my skirt. :heehee:

[paulaN]

I understand exactly how you feel. And I'm just a small fella. So I don't think it is size related just cd related. Maybe tomorrow.

[docrobbysherry]

Since we were kids! When I was in school, the homely, chubby girls got teased, abused, and ignored by the average guys. No one wanted to be seen with a "fatty" or "butterface". Your friends would tease u to death! Hey! When you're 15, that matters! A really sweet girl asked me to the prom. She wasn't very attractive, so I said "no". Missed the senior prom, because I had no one else to ask. I STILL feel bad about hurting her feelings!

In the movies and on TV, all the leading ladies were slim and beautiful! Even the "other" woman, the bad girl who doesn't get the guy, was stunning!

Mlle, it isn't just u! I'm slim enough, if I use a lot of gimicks, I can look OK. But, it's NEVER good enough! I must keep trying to improve! The "curse"!

God bless all of u that can completely accept how u look, and move on!:thumbsup:

[Maria2004]

MAybe someone looks at the scrawny guys and would not be shocked that they like to dress en femme [sorry squirts, but at least you pass well. ;) ] but as a male I look pretty intimidating. I don't look like someone who would cry at certain songs, know about clothes and makeup, or give his car a girl name.Erin

Us scrawny guys really owe you big guys a debt of gratitude. We were not born with the bulk of a real male, so we had to learn to become meaner and tougher to make up for our physical shortcomings in a male world. Make's going out and about dressed in fem a walk in the park, poetic justice.

Who are you, your outside or your inside? Exterior strength is obvious and taken for granted by some and can be mechanically and chemically manipulated. Interior strength is not dependent on the physical world.:hugs:

[Amy Hepker]

You are fighting within yourself and I bet I know which side is going to win in the end. I think a lot of us go through that. Some days I will look at myself and think what the H-ll am I doing? But I just think to myself, I am enjoying my life and I know I will never go back to being male again. I do not plan on the operation, but I am so much more female now I just have to give in. You know what, I am actually passing in public too. Maybe not all the time, but I do fool a lot of people even a Lady at the employment office today. I am talking more and more like Amy and my voice has deveoped a more feminine tone. It will all come together and you will feel at home someday.

[arlene123li]

I'll have to admit, most of the time I'm in the same boat. I rely on the bottom of the mirror (below the chest) to see the woman I am (want to be). Above the mirror it's so hard not to just the guy version of me.

I guess many of us are in the same boat but all we can do is be who we are and hope the outside eventually feels like it fits. Just know you're not alone...and frankly, you seem to do pretty well anyway based on your avatar!

[TGMarla]

MilleErin, even as a somewhat smaller guy (5'9", about 160ish), I still get a real good sense at what you're talking about. I'm not all that big, but I'm bigger than most girls, and I certainly don't think I pass well enough to really fool anybody. Why, then, do I insist on decking myself out in all my pretties, and prance around in high heels? It makes no sense at all.

On the upside, you really enjoy your girl time, and no one here blames you one bit for getting your girl on. Frankly, for a real big guy, you look great, your makeup looks great, and you look as good as you possibly can, better than some, I'd wager, and maybe even better than some real girls. So don't get too down on yourself. Guy-ness is hard to overcome, and harder for some than for others. Chin up. Big guys are why they invented Queen Size. :D :battingeyelashes:

[Sammy777]

I don't look like someone who would cry at certain songs, know about clothes and makeup, or give his car a girl name. Erin

aww come on........ the thing we get to do as guys is give large inanimate objects like cars/boats/planes/ect female names.

So strike that off your list.

And as far as clothes knowledge goes,
I find it a nice asset to be able give a better response then yes/no , this one/that one, or any other usual generic male answer to my current GF at the time. Even if she doesn't know the hows/whys of where I became so knowledgeable, lol

As far as the rest of the stuff goes, yes it can be hard at times & knowing your not the only one doesn't make it go away. But at least you know your not alone in the sometimes love/hate world of all this.

Make sense??