Question for those that are married

[Delila]

I have found lately that I am giving up more and more of myself in order to keep a happy relationship with my wife largely because she is accepting of my CDing. I would like to know if any of you feel the same mostly if you feel that you lose yourself to keep your CDing. I don't begin to pretend that this is the only reason that I keep going but crossdressing acceptance is definately a large part of it.

[Tracey Corset]

I have found lately that I am giving up more and more of myself in order to keep a happy relationship with my wife largely because she is accepting of my CDing. I would like to know if any of you feel the same mostly if you feel that you lose yourself to keep your CDing. I don't begin to pretend that this is the only reason that I keep going but crossdressing acceptance is definately a large part of it.

Hi Delila, don't quite understand what you mean, can you give an example

[Delila]

It is hard to explain what is missing about myself I just know that when I think long and hard about my life I feel that I have lost something important. I guess you could say that when I was younger I was in control of what happened to me and who I associated with and now I feel as though I have lost that completely. Sorry if I am confusing the whole thing confuses me all that I know is that I feel sad for the loss of this part of myself that I can't explain.

[Rogina B]

Married Life Is Busy..and Your Fem Persona Adds To That...it Is Like Having Another Girl In The Family To Take Care Of.and There Is Only So Much Time To Satisfy Everyone.and When There Is Acceptance,you Will Feel A Need To Give Something In Return For It.i Know For Me That I Often Feel That I Have Too Little To Spread To Too Many.hard To Get Girl Time With A Family For Sure.

[Phyliss]

Giving up part of myself, spreading myself thin, to at least accomplish something. Yeppers I can relate.
I, who never did laundry, cook, clean, or wash dishes, now do all that plus the normal husband things of take out the trash, cut the grass, rake the leaves, shovel the snow, maintain the house, ( paint, fix things )

One evening as I was cooking supper after a somewhat long day, I felt a bit frazzeled and asked my wife, "Is this the price I have to pay, to enjoy what I do?" Her answer said it all. With a smile and slight wink, she said , "You got it right"

That was all I needed to hear. I have to be everything, if I want to be anything.

So, yeah, I've lost part of myself, having to be spread thin, but I haven't completely lost all of it.

[BeckiB]

First off..no one deserves to be used or abused. Second if it is used as a threat to get you to do things that is also very wrong. Now that, that is out of the way marriage is a funny thing. It takes two people to make it work and not two people giving 50% but two people giving it 100% each. As others have said being a CDer adds a third dimension to a relationship. The money we spend to dress ourselves, buy makeup and those fabulous shoes amounts to a small fortune. My girls clothes more than rival my wife's..how does that make them feel..what have they given up to be with us? I could go on and on.

The real point is no one gets to do everything they want when they are in a relationship. Even to run a household requires input from both. The relationship only works if you put each other first. Cding is part of who we are, and part of who they love. It is hard for some to except that but it is true and if it was kept a secret for many years it may take even longer for them to except or understand.

I have a friend that got divorced not long ago and his reason was that his wife had ruined his life and he couldn't do the things he had wanted to do. He forgot to think that in the mean time they had built a home, had three kids, went to college, and had advanced in their careers.

I have a lot of things I would like to do....ahh if only I hit the lottery! That doesn't mean that I have given them up if I don't get to do them. I have found that we do things that we enjoy most of the time and I do things I enjoy sometimes as does she. That also means we both do things that we are not real fond of so the other one can be happy. That is part of loving someone.

ok I am off my soap box (not that I needed it at 6'1" LOL)

[LisaElizabeth]

We have been married 32 years..... I have to admit, even with all the crossdressing and all the other little quirks my wife and I have, I never felt I lost anything!! My life is much, much richer for having spent the majoity of it with the love of my life!
We have been through a lot over 32 years. Ups. Downs.. Some 'discussions... a few louder than others!!!lol But we know that when all is said and done, we love each other a lot.
My wife has always known about my crossdressing. It is only the past 6 years or so that she has accepted it as a part of me that isn't going away and that it is OK for me to be out and about as Lisa. She goes with me once in a while, like last weekend for a
Halloween party.
I think we all need to sit down in 'The Thinker' pose, clothing optional!! and think about how life truly is and if you have really lost something or if you have gained so-o-o much that it is overwhelming.
I see my life as having gained so much from being married, I don't know how I could survive otherwise.
Just my humble opinion!
Lisa ELizabeth

[Chari]

All through life, every day, we are faced with many choices. Some will affect only us, and should be only ours to decide, while other choices can involve those close to us and we should get input from them. Whatever our choice, we all should do what we feel is best and comfortable for us for that moment.

[PamelaTX]

Marriage means making compromises. It has little or nothing to do with CDing and everything to do with two different people with two different personalities making a life together.

[Karren H]

Just maintaining a successful marriage for 33 years so far, you both give up part of yourself to the other.. Crossdressing aside... Its a partnership of equals....

[StaceyJane]

I still haven't come out to my wife so I am losing my female side to stay married.

[Vicky_Scot]

Marriage means making compromises. It has little or nothing to do with CDing and everything to do with two different people with two different personalities making a life together.


Spot On Pamela.

[T Sara Lynn]

Pamela did say it all.

Many things come out of a strong marriage, including acceptance of each other, foibles and all. My marriage is 32 years strong and there has never been any sense of "threat" due to me being who I am. Have either of us given up anything? Absolutely not.

[Jess West]

Marriage means making compromises. It has little or nothing to do with CDing and everything to do with two different people with two different personalities making a life together.

Going on 9 years and strong. We are best friends... and more :)

Any relationship has compromises. For us, those compromises help us become stronger as a unit. They also help each of us grow - because some of those compromises help expose us to new things. (I cant stand gardening and she loves it, so I have learned and now find some parts of gardening fun - especially building stone walls.) Compromise is, to me, a gain, not a loss.

[Babette]

I have found lately that I am giving up more and more of myself in order to keep a happy relationship with my wife largely because she is accepting of my CDing. I would like to know if any of you feel the same mostly if you feel that you lose yourself to keep your CDing. I don't begin to pretend that this is the only reason that I keep going but crossdressing acceptance is definately a large part of it.

Delia,

I give to my wife because I truly love her and I want to. She feels the same toward me. I don't know that either of us purposely gives up anything we truly enjoy. However, we do compromise occasionally out of consideration for the circumstance. I would personally have trouble with either of us giving up something to, in a sense, buy each other's acceptance of anything. What we do has worked for us for over 30 years.


... I guess you could say that when I was younger I was in control of what happened to me and who I associated with and now I feel as though I have lost that completely. Sorry if I am confusing the whole thing confuses me all that I know is that I feel sad for the loss of this part of myself that I can't explain.

I believe everybody is in control of their own life. You always have choices and some of them may not always be easy. There may be people that my wife does care for. Well OK and I do respect her point of view. It is not automatic that a couple jointly accept interpersonal relationships with the same people. I think we all have relationships that are business, casual , brief encounters, etc. that we maintain for a variety of reasons. The important thing to remember is that we are all individuals. Unless a relationship is going to cause harm to either of us (yes, the exception to the rule) I hold to a premise that either of us can have an acquaintance with whomever we choose.

I hope that you can work through this. Furthermore, I hope that some of the inputs provided by the Forum's membership do help.

Babette

[suchacutie]

The ideal marriage is one where life is shared. Oh, for sure there are some things that only one of the partners does, but even that is really not private, because we want our spouses to know who we are and what we do and think. By being totally open, we make ourselves vulnerable to each other but also we grant our partner the strength to know who we are. We also very much appreciate our partner for opening themselves to us and being willing to be so very vulnerable.

In the best of all worlds, this should make the whole greater than the sum of the parts. It is true that some things we did before we were married are no longer compatible with the connectedness I discussed in the first paragraph. Those things must go or they will simply serve to undermine the connection. Presumably we all know this when we marry, or we find it out soon thereafter. Those who don't find it out don't stay married long.

Maintaining a life in both genders is complicated in itself, and even more complicated when linked to a spouse. That complication can be beneficial or detrimental, depending upon how it's handled. In fact, that is true with every facet of our individuality when put in the context of marriage. So, yes, as a couple we work together, and in doing so link ourselves more and more to each other, changing together.

Look forward, not backwards. Merge your lives into one. Share everything that is able to be shared. Make open all that cannot be shared. Let go of anything that can hurt each other, or the strength you have together.

:2c:

tina

[Andi]

I would gladly give up my male self if my wife was at all accepting. It has been very hard on me to have a secret self hidden in the closet for 43 years. I would dearly love to be just one "person". :sad: