jina
10-31-2008, 10:32 PM
I'm sure this thread has been done before... but I'm new here (my name is Jina.. which incorperates my given name with my mom's name). Before I start let me say how *amazed* I am at the commonality I feel when I read your posts (thank you). When I hit puberty around 1974ish (I'm 45 now), I thought maybe I might be the only person to have the feelings I had (I never conceived that at some point in my life there would be a thing like the internet that would connect me with others that actually experienced the same thing). I have an unusual coming out story with my wife... she says she wants her part kept private when I talk to people.. which is a bit pivotal unfortunately; but suffice to say that no human being knew anything about Jina until two years ago. She was the first, and then my therapist was the second. It was horrifying and thrilling at the same time to actually talk to someone about it after all the years. What I'm coming to terms with now is that I had *never* actually had an authentic relationship with anyone post puberty. That is a huge thing... it has shaped my whole life and all of my decisions. Just one big set of coping mechanisms... and just showing male friends what I wanted them to see... and yearning that girls would see me as a friend (and not always a potential relationship, or an opposite gender type). The thing that has been a consistent connection over all of these years is the effect lipstick (and to some extent makeup and clothes in general) has/had on me (now that I *own it* so to speak, I don't feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown when an opportunity comes to try it on anymore). The thing I realize is that if I had just been able to develop normally, I wouldn't have had these overwhelming feelings to deal with in my life... and at this point I'm just coming to terms with how sad it all was and unnecessary too.
I was fine until puberty hit. Then I started noticing how my self concept was being undermined by the expectations around what my body was doing. And I *loved* makeup (hated my older sister's makeup tastes - all decadent lip glosses :) never any proper elegant lipsticks to try on... had to go to my mom's collection for that, which was far more risky ! was always terrified i'd be caught) and clothes... and being around girl talk etc. I remember one eve vividly when I was alone with some pantyhose that were kept in a drawer in the guestroom during puberty... and I just started feeling sooooo desperate and despondent. I remember saying exactly... "I'm going to miss it, I'm going to miss it all !", "all of that fun and joy"... there was nothing the slightest bit dirty about it, or even sexual at that moment (although, I don't believe that's a bad thing either),... I just knew the boat was leaving the shore without me *forever*. From that time on I was playing a sad sad game of being what people wanted and expected (well, as much as I could). Ironically I was popular in school... was voted "wittiest" in junior high and "most talented" my senior year (I'm a musician). That wit was a case of an oyster making a pearl out of an maddening irritant. I would be very funny at school (making an absolute fool out of myself) and then come home absolutely nauseous and conflicted feeling.. I can't believe I made it through it.
I am soooo glad to have the opportunity now to live and enjoy these things (though progress is incremental). I am going through a time now where i can actually truely mourn what happened to me during that lonely forsaken and banished time period. I would be gratified to know that some of you might join me in recognition of that lonely pubescent that could tell absolutely "no one". I'm sure some of you lived through it too.
I have a "normal" suburban life now with 5 kids (2 grown)... but it has been a very bumpy road for me. I am re-evaluating everything about my life and feeling a wholeness I never knew I would ever feel. I am starting to bring my whole self to the table for the first time. I don't think I would ever transition,.. though I might do things i could get away with and live a dual life. I wouldn't want to harm my family.
One more thing and I'll deflate the windbag. I've written many lyrics over the years. There are a lot of references to my dilema, and I never completely understood why I was writing them. I had spent too much time filtering everything about myself in the *real* world. but it would come out in my writing. I always confused this lyric with the passing of innocence. I realise now it's about how everyone around me had changed and I was left in the lurch (I apologize in advance for the self indulgence here):
Where Are The Children ?
What did we leave there on that strange day
Where were we going, no one could say
But if we'd seen it coming, we might've held out
(where are they now ?)
It was late in that summer, season of green
But the season was changing, gone was the spring
And summer soon followed and I was thirteen
(where are they now ?)
And all of my friends didn't seem to notice
.. how plainly ordinary we'd all become <actually, me>
Rushes and parties, welcomes or sorrys
Paved some a road forever long
But where are the children ?
Where are the children ?
Where are the children I knew all my peers to be ?
-------- the answer is is that they were going on with their lives normally, and I was stuck with no solid identity of my own to move forward with. Sad, and I honor that young person now...
Thanks for listening ... jina
I was fine until puberty hit. Then I started noticing how my self concept was being undermined by the expectations around what my body was doing. And I *loved* makeup (hated my older sister's makeup tastes - all decadent lip glosses :) never any proper elegant lipsticks to try on... had to go to my mom's collection for that, which was far more risky ! was always terrified i'd be caught) and clothes... and being around girl talk etc. I remember one eve vividly when I was alone with some pantyhose that were kept in a drawer in the guestroom during puberty... and I just started feeling sooooo desperate and despondent. I remember saying exactly... "I'm going to miss it, I'm going to miss it all !", "all of that fun and joy"... there was nothing the slightest bit dirty about it, or even sexual at that moment (although, I don't believe that's a bad thing either),... I just knew the boat was leaving the shore without me *forever*. From that time on I was playing a sad sad game of being what people wanted and expected (well, as much as I could). Ironically I was popular in school... was voted "wittiest" in junior high and "most talented" my senior year (I'm a musician). That wit was a case of an oyster making a pearl out of an maddening irritant. I would be very funny at school (making an absolute fool out of myself) and then come home absolutely nauseous and conflicted feeling.. I can't believe I made it through it.
I am soooo glad to have the opportunity now to live and enjoy these things (though progress is incremental). I am going through a time now where i can actually truely mourn what happened to me during that lonely forsaken and banished time period. I would be gratified to know that some of you might join me in recognition of that lonely pubescent that could tell absolutely "no one". I'm sure some of you lived through it too.
I have a "normal" suburban life now with 5 kids (2 grown)... but it has been a very bumpy road for me. I am re-evaluating everything about my life and feeling a wholeness I never knew I would ever feel. I am starting to bring my whole self to the table for the first time. I don't think I would ever transition,.. though I might do things i could get away with and live a dual life. I wouldn't want to harm my family.
One more thing and I'll deflate the windbag. I've written many lyrics over the years. There are a lot of references to my dilema, and I never completely understood why I was writing them. I had spent too much time filtering everything about myself in the *real* world. but it would come out in my writing. I always confused this lyric with the passing of innocence. I realise now it's about how everyone around me had changed and I was left in the lurch (I apologize in advance for the self indulgence here):
Where Are The Children ?
What did we leave there on that strange day
Where were we going, no one could say
But if we'd seen it coming, we might've held out
(where are they now ?)
It was late in that summer, season of green
But the season was changing, gone was the spring
And summer soon followed and I was thirteen
(where are they now ?)
And all of my friends didn't seem to notice
.. how plainly ordinary we'd all become <actually, me>
Rushes and parties, welcomes or sorrys
Paved some a road forever long
But where are the children ?
Where are the children ?
Where are the children I knew all my peers to be ?
-------- the answer is is that they were going on with their lives normally, and I was stuck with no solid identity of my own to move forward with. Sad, and I honor that young person now...
Thanks for listening ... jina