Odd email - How should I respond?

[meg_dc_00]

A few days ago, I joined plentyoffish.com and I posted a profile and pictures of me en femme. I've gotten a bunch of emails, all positive, except one... a 38 yr old female from Virginia with no pictures posted.

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This was the email:
I am just curious so pardon my question if it seems rude. You still look like a guy when you dress up, is that part of the look you go for, or do you really think you look female? Also, I probably need to explore more about just why men like to dress up as women yet it does not impact their sexuality ( hence, they still prefer women). Seems essentric to me, but my intent it not to judge, I just find it perplexing.
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Anyways, I was just wondering is a response even necessary?

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Sounds like polite curiosity to me. Is perplexed but wants to understand. If you feel comfortable explaining then you might do so.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[victoriamwilliams1]

She wants to uderstand but cannot I would follow what Veronica said.

[ReginaS]

I would probably answer and describe how sexuality and gender identity are 2 different things and dressing is part of outwardly expressing who we are on the inside.
Then ask for a pic and see if she wants to hook up with a sexy babe!

[Dana]

You ROCKED HER WORLD!

That is to say, she curious, interested, and un-informed about our reality. She has problems racking it arouond her head that their are men taht can be "manly-men" yet who have a feminine side.


Were it me I would have explained to her that:

"Its not my intention to fully present, nor appear to the eptiome of a woman, but to satisfy my "emotional need" to enjoy, experience femininity!"

Girls just want to have fun, and being a woman is fun! Its fun to step outside of yourself and your normal day-day routine. Its fun to be someone other than you are in your day-to-day routine. Its fun to be different, and to experience differnet things!

Its fun to smell different smells, taste different taste's, see different things than you would otherwise. To experience the feel the touch of satin, nylon tricot, pantyhose or hose while walking down the hallway?

Women take these things as a "granted" and "given" Because its their "birthright" for such things.

[DanaR]

I’ve had conversations like this with women that asked me similar questions. While trying to explain why I need to do this, I’ll ask them if they like to get dressed up and go out. Most of the time, you can really connect with them by explaining all of the things you go through to get ready. Most guys never get to see this part of their lives.

[Sheila]

you have had some sound advice already hun.


But perhaps leave of the final line in ReginaS post that says ........Then ask for a pic and see if she wants to hook up with a sexy babe! ............. you have a chance to try to explain to somebody who genuinly wants to try to understand, so don't treat it lightly :hugs:

Jess GG

[Sammy777]

You still look like a guy when you dress up, is that part of the look you go for, or do you really think you look female?

This part left a bad taste. especially the end.

She did sound genuine in the rest of the email & maybe didn't quite know how to convey what she was thinking.

I would send her an open email back letting her know you would be happy to fill in the blanks about all this.

& Yes, I would leave out the pics & hookup part.lol
I'm sure she will be happy to show you a picture if you two hit it off later on.

And above all, be nice, accepting/interested volunteers aren't exactly storming the CD castle gates, lol

[battybattybats]

I agree that her comment was rude, perhaps through ignorance but it's still pretty darn insensitive!

My guess, she is turned on and uncomfortable and confused that she is, hence the rudeishness but genuine questioning.

[Sheila]

My guess, she is turned on and uncomfortable and confused that she is, hence the rudeishness but genuine questioning.

And I think that is one huge assumption

[Lawren]

She is obviously very curious. Enough to open up and ask about CDing. I would treat is as an oppertunity to enlighten one more person about CDing. After all, the more people who know the truth, the more public opinion will change. As for her comment about looking like a man in women's clothes, though it may seem tactless, she may not be well enough informed to perceive it as an insult. My advice; respond with the truth. It may turn into something wonderful for both of you and the TG community.

[Angie G]

I Don't know where she's looking you look alot like a girl to me hun. :hugs:
Angie

[Samantha B L]

Hi Meg, You may as well talk to her. It all sounds like harmless curiousity to me,the odd email I mean. It sounds to me like she's someone real young who feels like she's got to talk to everybody in the penpal list she's been given and not just to a few likely choices. But she could always make a real nice freind. I was in eharmony over 25 years ago back when it was a "Rock Penfreinds" service and one of my penpal selections was an NYC girl who asked me flat out if I had "Parkinson's Disease" because of my sloppy handwriting. I decided to go with the freindship and she turned out to be a great freind. I still hear from her once or twice a year and on the holiday season.

[Mary Morgan]

From time to time we have the opportunity to take the high road. Since it isn't clear what this women's agenda is, give her the answers that might swing her toward our cause. If it becomes clearer that she is just rude, then just let go. Any negative reaction will just feed her lack of kindness.

[Miss Tessa]

My mom told me the otherday that no matter how many people I try to change their opinions on TS or TG, that I'm never gonna change the world so don't even try.

:(

[TxKimberly]

I agree with what a few have already stated. Yes, her comment was a bit insensitive (probably unintentionally so) but she does appear to be genuinely curious. It's a no brainer - you should answer her honestly. You have the chance to influence the opinion of another "muggle" - take it and run.
You might explain that your disappointed she thought you still looked like a guy as your intent is to look like a dead ringer for Miss America, but we do have to make SOME concessions to the gender and body we were given at birth.



My mom told me the otherday that no matter how many people I try to change their opinions on TS or TG, that I'm never gonna change the world so don't even try.

:(

Not to argue with your Mother (bad form, that) but I think I'd have to disagree with her on that one. Look how far we have come in the last 40 or 50 years. Clearly, the opinion of "the people" IS changing and will probably continue to do so.

[Kayla Shadows]

She wants to understand but cannot I would follow what Veronica said.

I agree

Some people will start off with "Im sorry if Im rude but" or "I don't want to offend you but", because they dont know how to speak to you yet.They might want to really understand but they are new to it.Her message is a lot better then "god hates freaks" or "you will never be a woman",the kind of hit and run attempts I've gotten which the aim is just bringing you down.

[immike]

A few days ago, I joined plentyoffish.com and I posted a profile and pictures of me en femme. I've gotten a bunch of emails, all positive, except one... a 38 yr old female from Virginia with no pictures posted.

----------------------------------------------------
This was the email:
I am just curious so pardon my question if it seems rude. You still look like a guy when you dress up, is that part of the look you go for, or do you really think you look female? Also, I probably need to explore more about just why men like to dress up as women yet it does not impact their sexuality ( hence, they still prefer women). Seems essentric to me, but my intent it not to judge, I just find it perplexing.
-----------------------------------------------------

Anyways, I was just wondering is a response even necessary?
Meg-
Don't respond! It's no one's business that you enjoy dressing in womens clothes.I love
to wear womens clothes,and I especially love to wear mothers good clothes,after she
goes on vacation,I spend hours,dressing in her wardrobe,especially her good skirtsuits
and silk blouses&I love to wear her heels

[docrobbysherry]

Obviously, she's a twisted, possibly VERY sick, individual!:thumbsdn:

Anyone who spells "eccentric" with two s's, is NOT a person that should be trusted with your personal info!:doh:

[meg_dc_00]

I suppose her email bothered me enough to post about it here, but I suppose it should probably be expected when you put yourself "out there" whether its dating sites or going out in public or whatever.

I probably won't respond, the tone of her message was a little churlish. However, I would probably take the time if she had a photo in her profile, its no fun to write to someone who's hiding behind anonymity.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts! :)

[Karren H]

Just reply and tell her how it is... I get those kinds of emails.. and chat on IM with femalse who ask the same kinds of question... Even some of the girls on the makeup site I moderate want to know why... It's a good opertunity to inform the uninformed...

[JaytoJillian]

Obviously, she's a twisted, possibly VERY sick, individual!:thumbsdn:

Anyone who spells "eccentric" with two s's, is NOT a person that should be trusted with your personal info!:doh:

I agree, Doc!!!

[Violet]

I don't know. I think education, or even an attempt at education, is more productive than just ignoring it. And I can see how the email seems insulting, but obviously she's very new to this and doesn't quite know how to handle the situation, or what questions and/or terminology are considered rude.

Before I came here, I didn't understand how sexuality and gender weren't inextricably linked. I still remember the first time I head Eddie Izzard talking about how he liked to dress as a woman, but still liked women only. I was confused and didn't get it at all. I was one of the one zillion GGs who wondered whether or not my SO was gay. I know better now, but only because I took the time to seek this site out and educate myself.

Who's to say that's not what she's doing, and she's just in the very beginning stages? And isn't it better to give someone the benefit of the doubt?

ETA: And even if you answer her questions, you don't have to give her actual personal info.

[Ruth]

I think it was quite a rude opening shot, so I wonder if it will get any better if you prolong the correspondence.
Imagine going up to a GG, who's dressed in a feminine style, and saying: "I think you look like a man in that outfit: is that the look you're trying for?"
You might only get a slap in the face if you're lucky (otherwise a trip to the ER may be on the cards).

[Jill]

I received a similar email on my myspace page except that it was from a male. He wanted to know how I could feel attracted to women if I dress like one. I didn't respond because I didn't really know how to. I thought it might be a good way to try and educate people but honestly, I wasn't entirely sure how to answer...

[CD Susan]

I would respond to her e-mail. Obviously she does not have a clue as to what cd'ing is all about or even how to talk about the subject intelligently. I would make an attempt to educate her about cd'ing. I don't see any harm in trying to promote our cause to the uninformed.

[Nicole Erin]

I know the initial desire would be to tell her to cram it.

But yeah if you at least try to educate her a bit and act friendly, it will leave her with a good impression.

That is how I see it when faced with the fact that I am the first CD that someone has ever met. I figure "Ok, if I make them feel good about their interaction with me, it will leave them with the impression that CDs are not bad people.

So she didn't know how to approach asking, but most people don't. YOu have to forgive that.

Now if someone is flat out rude or insulting or whatever malicious crap some people lay [Like the a-holes who yelled "OMG it's that f-ing queer!..."] those types don't even bother with. But if someone asks, even in a poor choice of words, give them a second chance.

Too many people think we are crazy or whatever, it is up to us to prove otherwise...

[Celeste]

I would respond to get a more clear idea of where she is coming from.I don't think one e-mail is enough to really know what a person may be like.Wouldn't it be a shame to miss the opportunity to meet someone decent and receptive,had you given them a chance.

[trannie T]

She may not be a good speller and is a bit insensitive but she may be an honest curious human being. I would answer her e-mail but would not give any personal information for a while.

[MsJanessa]

The comment about still looking like a guy is over the top for rudeness(and BTW if you look anything like your photo in the avatar, feel free to contact Me because you are HOT darling)--and the fact that she doesn't post her own photo is quite suspicious--all of those cybernet dating sites will tell you that if you don't post a photo your chances of establishing a successful contact are nil--My advice would be to write her back, tell her that her comment was rude and hurtful, answer the rest of her questions, and then ask her why she doesn't post a photo--or better yet simply write her back and tell her you don't engage in correspondence with people who wont post a photograph of themselves.

[Mollyanne]

A few days ago, I joined plentyoffish.com and I posted a profile and pictures of me en femme. I've gotten a bunch of emails, all positive, except one... a 38 yr old female from Virginia with no pictures posted.

----------------------------------------------------
This was the email:
I am just curious so pardon my question if it seems rude. You still look like a guy when you dress up, is that part of the look you go for, or do you really think you look female? Also, I probably need to explore more about just why men like to dress up as women yet it does not impact their sexuality ( hence, they still prefer women). Seems essentric to me, but my intent it not to judge, I just find it perplexing.
-----------------------------------------------------

Anyways, I was just wondering is a response even necessary?

Hi Meg, Why would you think that a response would be necessary???? You don't have to justify anything to anybody!!!! But should you want to, then tell that person exactly how you feel. Responses are personal and should NEVER come from anybody else's suggestions!!!!

:love: Mollyanne

[Lawren]

Obviously, she's a twisted, possibly VERY sick, individual!:thumbsdn:

Anyone who spells "eccentric" with two s's, is NOT a person that should be trusted with your personal info!:doh:

Nothing is obvious at all. There are millions of people in the U.S.A. alone who are illiterate or just cannot spell but are otherwise wonderful people.

That kind of judgement coming from th TG community is just the kind of thing that makes people hate us. It is exactly how many of them look at us. How can you expect them to accept you if you won't accept them.

Ive always tried to be polite and friendly in my posts but that kind of attitude really torques me.

Doc, I have just been informed that your post was made in jest but I still have trouble with it. If people within the TG community fail to see the humor, how will outsiders see it.

[MJ]

well she wants to know and trying to understand. just talk with her

[Tree GG]

Good grief! The person was as sensitive as she could be. In her opinion, the photo she saw did not look like a GG. I haven't seen the pic so I can't share that opionion or not but she asked a genuine, and quite good question, IMO. Does Meg feel she looks feminine? How is that rude or insulting? It's a yes or no answer asking Meg's opinion, not stating a universal truth.

Compliments may be free, but if my butt looks big in this skirt I sure would like someone to tell me.

All the posts that took offense to an inquiry for understanding aren't looking to educate the world and are the ones being inconsiderate. They seem to be looking for unconditional validation of the vision in their head. In my head I'm pretty damned hot, too but that don't make it quite as true when shown the light of day.

And to suspect a person's motives because they don't plaster their picture all over the www? What a person looks like determines their reliability or sincerity? That's offensive.

One poster commented on his mother saying he's never going to change the world so don't try. Maybe not, but he can make a small difference by helping one person at a time become more aware and tolerant. It is encouraging that there are a number of posts not being hyper-sensitive and suggesting a response to the message reasonably and honestly. Those are the individuals of substance that can make positive differences in other people's perceptions that will add up to major differences in general.

[Sally2005]

I would consider it an opportunity. The fact that she bruised you ego is good, it means you are getting her honest feedback. Ask her what it is that she sees so that if it is something you can change you can improve. Otherwise, learn and accept.

[DonnaT]

You might consider providing her with the link to a couple of good sites concerning CDing.

Such as http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

If you think it would be easier than trying to explain things. She can read what's there and ask more questions, if you're open to answering them.

[Kayla_CD]

It doesn't really seem rude, so I would respond. Give her a straight answer (pun intended).

[Priscilla Ann]

I think my response might go somthing like..."Excuse me, I don't wish to be obtuse but what exactly is your question?"

[Maria2222]

I think you look super Meg, and plenty feminine. I also think, even though she might not have worded it politically, that it's good that this woman is at least willing to explore the situation and gather information rather than condemning CD's out of hand with no info.

[Christina Horton]

Well my :2c: worth is that she need to be told what Crossdressing is all about. So yes give her A nice response and tell her all about us . That is the best thing to do . If we all could all help 10 people to understand CDs the world would be better. So go for it HUGGS :hugs: