Purged again but now regret it. Square one!

[crystal99]

A while ago i wrote on this forum about coming to a turning point in my life.

I came to a point where i thought f~#k it, this is me, this is what i want to look like, family and friends can like it or lump it. The only problem was my partner. The best thing to happen in my life ever .

But things had been up and down for a while, we sometimes seemed to be drifting apart so i said - "I will tell everyone, get my business sorted, and in a year i will be living full time as me, Crystal"

Pretty much as soon as i came to that decisive point my partner and i started to get on alot more, no sort of not getting each other any longer. We seem to have become even closer than we were. Problem is i havent told anyone about my plans yet but feel that she already can sense a bit of decisiveness in me which has made her relax and warm towards me again as i am now driven towards a goal.

She talked about having kids for the first time, i'd love to have kids with her too, which brought me to the point of saying ok, bad idea, im a great guy, id make a brilliant dad and this girl deserves happiness with me, her best friend and (cheesilly) soul mate (we've been together 8 years ish).

So i purged my clothes, wig and makeup. gone.

But here i am today, after missing out on a halloween oportunity to dress, in the same place i find myself every couple of years. Just wanting to show my girly side, having nothing to wear, and with people not knowing coz i dont want to lose them. aghh!

[joann104]

Hi;
Ive been there. I got rid of thousands of dollars in clothes. No more. I keep what i have and add to my wardrobe. My wife has finally decided that we can have fun and shop together. Life seems to be much more calm these days.
Joann

[StaceyJane]

I keep thinking. This is it I'm going to stop so everything goes out. Later though, I'm always back rebuilding my wardrobe.
I can purge my clothes but I can;t purge who I am.

Stacey :)

[Karren H]

Being caught between two genders... Not fitting into either one totally......... You need to find some balance if your to survive or maintain your sanity... Which will most likely involve telling her... Else she find out anyway... Otherwise... Two years from now you'll still be tormenting yourself over the same situation...

[CD_DIANE]

Been there, purged that, regreted it later.

Diane

[Shari]

Oh Crystal.
Been there and done that so many, many times, only to return. You will never be able to stop, ever. The feelings are deep inside and totally unmovable.
I'm fortunate in that I came out with my wife about a year ago and she accepts what I do.
She does draw the line on closet space, so the only time I purge now is to make room for new clothes.
That's the kind of purging that I can live with.

Think you could come out with her?
You have to accept the fact you'll always be like this.
Shari

[crystal99]

Being caught between two genders... Not fitting into either one totally......... You need to find some balance if your to survive or maintain your sanity... Which will most likely involve telling her... Else she find out anyway... Otherwise... Two years from now you'll still be tormenting yourself over the same situation...

Wise words as usual Karren but as we all know its never that easy.

I have dropped hints and i may seem to be getting somewhere. Annoyingly a month ago (after the purge) friends of ours started planning a halloween party. We were all in the pub and she came out with "you should dress as frankenfurter (rocky horror Tim Curry - just incase)" everyone else there was like, nooo, but she persisted to keep suggesting it right up until the party, because of the purge i went as Dracula (Fool! i hear you cry). Even at the party she was saying "you wouldv been better doing my idea"

So now ive just come to the conclusion that GG's are psycic, she must know im different from most guys, i even found myself, as usual, spending most of the night with the girls round me, even this lesbian girl who was there (who apparently hates men) warmed to me and spent alot of the night flirting with me (to her own discust) therefore GGs are psycic and probably already know. im gonna have to keep chipping away to find a way to tell her.

Kinda went off the point a little there but eh. lol xx

[MJ]

this is never going away ever !!!.. just tell the truth let the crap fall were it will and get on with your life. this will only get worse for gods sake what about children and your wife finds out and then you lose everything ..
tell the truth deal with it...

[AmandaM]

The only reason to purge is when you're going to redo your wardrobe! I think you just need to accept that you do this.

[TerriM]

I have purged two times in my life. The 1st time I put all my clothes, makeup, wigs, etc in the clothing drive bin in the parking lot. The 2nd time I put everything in a box in my attic. The 2nd time was a lot less expensive. I have done the same for a friend and she thanked me.

[Christina Horton]

I have never PURGED. Sorry for curseing Girls. that word should be a four letter word for all the trouble it causes all us GIRLS. I will be going through My wardrobe and getting rid of things I never were. SO If some of you girls want them Just PM me I am a size 18 to 22. If you pay for the shipping I will send them to you and If there are lots of you wanting them We might have to have some online life shopping bids or somethings. LOL but realy if one of you do want my old stuff WE could work some thing out.

WELL to what you said . I don't have a Girl friends now but , I all ways told them the frist second or and the most 3 date. I don't think I can give you real advice But I will NOW I THINK and ths is just me, I would tell her NOW NOW NOW. not later, beause the longer you wate the worse it can get for the two of you. There is a real risk of loseing her but you risk that if she finds out no the future. So I would do it now and let her work it out with you. The lie will hurt but the fact you told her will mean something big.But the lie you keeped for the years ahead will kill your girl friend more. SO thats my :2c: worth. Good luck HUN HUGGS. :hugs::canada:

[Susan4]

Crystal ...

You're getting a lot of good advice ... but most of all, I'm hearing understanding.

Most of us have done the same. So first of all sister .. hugs and more hugs.:hugs:

If you're married to a wonderful woman and have a good job and a social network that you think would not understand ... it is just normal to, at some point say, I can stop and it would be better if I stopped. :straightface: Purging follows.

But the pink fog :) will always return. Always.

So, while MJ is right, it's liberating to tell your SO ... even if you don't, at the very least, know that your CDing will come back. Thousands of us, including people like me, who have been doing this for 50+ years can attest that this is the way we are built.

If you have the willpower of a god you can, perhaps, control how you act. But, you'll never control how you feel.

Hug

[janet73]

Crystal, it could have been me starting this thread....over the past 30+ years, there have been many times I have sworn that was it, I wasn't going to do this anymore. Thrown my typically small collections out, and gone varying lengths of time before the urges returned, and I started the cycle all over again.

You are not alone!!

[MJ]

Crystal,
i am sorry to be so cold before. but i see this time and time again. and please don't think of me as a dumb transsexual what do i know !. for many years i cross dressed and yes got rid of everything then the guilt of getting rid of everything and this time it the real deal...
you can't hide who you are your encoded to be this way "crystal" is apart of you till the day you die... to quote you :-



So i purged my clothes, wig and makeup. gone.

But here i am today, after missing out on a Halloween opportunity to dress, in the same place i find myself every couple of years. Just wanting to show my girly side, having nothing to wear, and with people not knowing coz i don't want to lose them. aghh!

it does not work now you will spend big bucks all over again.
some things in life are just not meant to be.. can you live a lie. don't you think your S.O deserves to know the truth . give her the chance to chose for her self. you will never know if you don't try

[Deborah Jane]

Been there, done that, got the T shirt :sad:
Like has been said here many times, purging just doesn,t work and costs us money we could spend elsewhere.
The last time i hit a period of thinking i could give this up, i put everything in suitcases and locked them in the attic. I figured if i didn,t miss it, or go near it all for a couple of years, i,d give everything away!

Guess what?....The suitcases were back down within 4 months and i was glad i,d kept everything :)

The moral of the story is.....Don,t purge everything, just store it out of the way, so you,ve still got it when you come back. [Which we all seem to do!!]

[Carly D.]

I hit the wall (purge) maybe twice a year.. or I should say I have that "urge to purge" feelings about twice a year.. the need for me at least is to cut down a bit, try to get to a more manageable spot in the road.. collection size or amount has to be excusable to me, to be able to tell who ever that it started (when I started to buy my clothes) twenty years ago (about).. that this amount really isn't that bad.. because I have had more than one hundred pairs of shoes and at least twice as many pairs of tights and pantyhose.. whew!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? no not at all.. that's likely a low estimate...