Want to Pass? Act like a woman!

[tamarav]

I regularly work with clients that are seeking to upgrade their skills at crossdressing, some are very advanced while others are just sticking their toes out of the closet.

My most commonly uttered advice to all the MtF CDs that I have worked with, is to simply act like a woman. when you are dressed, the biggest giveaway is your behaviour. If you act like a victim and expect to get picked out as a man in a dress, then you will.

On many of my transformation forays I escort my clients to a local club to get some practice just sitting and acting like a woman. All of the wait staff knows me and give me feedback on my next visit, they feel that they can help. Most of the time their feedback is invaluable.

For example, I took a MtF CD to this club and we sat for about 2 hours talking and drinking soda and I danced a few times and we left. I almost had to carry my client out, she was so nervous she could hardly walk.

Another MtF CD went with me to the same club, we sat and laughed and looked at other people and she even danced a couple of times with me (first time ever dancing, in male or female mode, she did great, no one cares how you dance!!)

A comparison by the wait staff and my observations was the the second person I came in with was more relaxed (a very tough thing to do when first out) and actually acted like a woman, smiling and moving naturally.

The first client was quiet (which is fine) but kept her head down, never made eye contact with anyone but me, and acted so nervous that she attracted more attention than she should have. She appeared to be a victim just waiting to be pounced upon. I held her hand and talked constantly to her to re-assure her and never pushed her into dancing, or trying to dance. She stood out for the wrong reasons, her dress, makeup, hair and appearance was perfect, it was the person inside that "outed" her.

For both of these clients, it was their very first time out in public.

I wrote an article years ago after an ETVC meeting in San Francisco when we were addressed by a TS Psychiatrist from a local hospital. She pointed out the same thing, being a victim makes you more of a target than your dress. The article has been updated over the years and is available on my web site or by clicking on the link http://www.apparentlyfemale.com/Tami%20stuff/HTM%20files/attitude.htm (http://www.apparentlyfemale.com/Tami%20stuff/HTM%20files/attitude.htm)

You can pass very successfully if you want to, just like many women that do not appear to be very feminine. It is all in your behaviour and how you are perceived by others. Don't be a victim and let others rule how you feel.

Of course I am talking about appearing in the same mode of dress as everyone else, 7 in heels and a full body latex suit don't blend in most places. Dressed like the majority of women in a crowd, acting like most weomen in the same crowd, will generally only get you noticed for your positives. Smiling, moving with a practiced move, handling your purse to get money out, looking people in the eye, and so on.

I also work with FtM clients and believe it or not, they act just the same. We are all alike in that respect. Once you calm down, blend in, and act like everyone else, you are passing.

Sermon over,

Tami

[Deborah Jane]

Thank you for the very good advice Tamara, it gives us food for thought :)

I think part of the problem for some of us [well me anyway], is that we are too aware of what we actually are. As much as i,d like to be able to see myself as a woman, i,ve done the transformation on myself and i can still see the guy underneath, even if others don,t. It,s that that makes us nervous, the fact that we are too aware of who we really are, no matter how much we may appear to be female to other people.

[valenstein]

Exactly!

One of the first jobs I had was working in a grocery store, and it quickly became easy to spot the novice shoplifters. Why? Because they were always looking around at everything and everyone, fidgeting around, not looking like they were there to buy something. They looked out of place and uncomfortable and nervous. That doesn't mean walk in and put your head down and make no eye contact, either.

I think that most of the people who would stare or giggle or point you out hope to get some reaction. From what I saw during high school, picking on someone is uninteresting if the person they are picking on could care less (or at least they appear to not give a damn). Most cases anyways. I still get nervous walking into a place I've never been, but then remind myself why I'm there and go about that purpose.

[Kate Simmons]

Yup, many folks worry too much about the "image" they are trying to present rather than concentrating on just being a person. I've found that always just being myself works every time. Not trying to be something we are essentially not helps to put us at ease as well.This also helps us to feel natural and when that happens the free flowing energy is abundant and apparent.:)

[mykhelee]

My ggf's say that all my traits when I dress are very fem, I wear my make-up to look natural, and dress appropriately. I am 44, I don't try to look 25-30. Most of the cd's in the local mall are too easy to pick out. Heave make-up, clothes that belong on a younger body, etc. Once you find a comfort level with who you are, most folks don't notice anything other than another person has walked by.

Being also self-absorbed that you will be found out will lead to that occurence.

[Daphne Renee]

Thats good advice. I went to a club on halloween and I was nervous. I dont know about anyone else but for me its difficult to act more like a woman. When I look in the mirror I still see a guy. Maybe as I get more practice it will become easier. I will definately keep your advice in mind though.

[sterling12]

You pointed out a very important principle for those folks wishing to leave the house.

The first time out is the hardest, the second time a little easier, etc., etc. Usually, by about the tenth time out; you relax into the role and actually start to interact a lot more. So I will reinforce your good advise, "get out there and do it often!" The more you practice your femme skills, the more you relax, the more you start to become part of the environment, the easier it's going to get, it quickly becomes joyful.

You will get "read." Everyone does! But once you learn to relax, you will not be bothered enough to worry about such things. Learn to smile, learn to make brief eye contact, learn to have an attitude! You have the right to be anywhere you choose, and as long as your not breaking the law, or harming others; no one has The Right to tell you what to do with your life. Always try and remember that! It's your life.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Megan70]

I have been going out in public dressed on the streets since i was 13 years old. I'm 61 now, so I've had many years to practice and perfect my craft , which to me it is... a professional role playing method acting job of wanting to impersonate a woman in public and blend in. It is not at all a gender issue or exploring my feminine side stuff like it is with many of you girls. Fine enough. Last night I went alone to a regular philharmonic classic concert in our cities' concert hall and asked deliberately for a ticket in the middle of a row where I sat between older women on both sides of me and was not read or observed at all. No need for small talk although I could if I wanted because I've trained my voice to be believable. My biggest "thrill " about being a woman was at intermission standing in the long line with the other ladies to use the stall in the rest room. (there are 20+), and after washing and drying my hands taking a moment to move to the makeup /purse shelf under a mirror and touch up lipstick, powder and hair... briefly not ostentatiously or it would stand out.
Yes there I fell right in with the older women crowd and rolled with the flow and walked the walk. I was portraying a woman(only) not getting any jollies as a voyeur or ladies room intruder .Did my job and out.

If it summed up in three words they would be the same... CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE!!!!... ....and for Gods sake don't keep nervously looking over your shoulder.Dead giveaway to being read. Forget what is behind you.

Now go for it ladies and take this accumulated advice from all these posts and test the water.

Good Luck!

Megan

[Alice Torn]

Right!!! I was out in public, last week, first time in years, went into a few stores. Now that i look back, I did fine, until i spoke, and said too much! It was fun, though, and overall much better than last time! I acted like a lady. So right!

[pamela_a]

You are so right on this Tami. I think most people pick up on mannerisms and actions after their initial decision is made. If they seem to match they really don't think much more about it. AS Megan said, confidence is extreemly important in passing.

-Paula-

[windycissy]

That's great advice, of course it's easier for some to pass than others, like a bell-shaped curve based on your height, etc. but for the vast majority it's relatively easy to pass convincingly as a woman as long as you dress appropriately for your age and the place...I started out in Chicago, when they refer to the "City of Broad Shoulders" they're not talking about just the men! There are a lot of zaftig gals who dress with style and you can pass amongst them as long as you're not trying to dress like a supermodel...above all, carrying yourself with confidence and happiness are the secret.

[prissy101]

What is meant to be acceptable behaviour when at a club when using the washroom, to be politicly correct and use the gents would give the game away and to use the womens might raise an eyebrow or too as one could be mistaken as a voyour.
it's a catch 22 or when could just really practise the art of crossing your legs..

Prissy

xoxo

[Sally2005]

Tami, I wasn't sure if it was MtF or F2M who you took out, but anyway I understand the point...be confident. It can be difficult. For myself, and I'm no expert, I hit two lelvels: 1. Just going out and looking female...you have to make subtle changes to the way you move and if you master that people tend not to notice you. But walk around like a football player and people will notice you for sure. 2. Interacting with people, if you act just like nothing is unusual people will interact with you the same. You need to convince yourself that you are a female, or if you can't do that, then take on the attitude that you are doing nothing wrong (you aren't) and learn to smile. The third part is what if someone discovers you? Then what? ...I think you need to e prepared to either stand your ground and act like a woman and respond as a woman would or be open and proud to just admit that you are a guy and you just dress up because it is enjoyable...but if you run or look ashamed the person doing the outing will feel like they are in the right. I don't know if this is a great example, but at a halloween party a girl asked me if I was male, I said yes and my boobs got squeezed... maybe not the perfect situation but no one felt tricked. On the same night at a diner for desert the wait staff didn't bat an eye even when I spoke in a male voice...just business as usual...I don't know if I passed, but I was not nervous at all (infact pretty relaxed after a few drinks)

[Paulette]

Tami you are right on the mark, I have gone many times and at first I was so worried about what people would say that I am sure I was read like a book froom the beginning. Now when I go out I act like I own the place and do what every other woman is doing. Like you said getting in your purse for money how you put change away and things like getting your keys out before you leave the club so they are in you hand as you walk to the car are all things GG's do. My advice is watch the GG's ladies and if you are dressed like them be sure to act like them. I was in a club one time and notice a CD sitting at a table with a couple of other gurls and the first thing I noticed was that they were all sitting like truck drivers with spread legs. One of the first things we need to learn is that GG's take up less space in the world and that is what we need to try and do when dressed. If you can not cross your legs at the knees at least cross them at the ankle and keep your knees as close together as possible. While you might want to look up a girls skirt it is a girls job to prevent your nasty male eyes from seeing her panties ( that is only if you get to second base) .

[Ashlyee Paige]

TAMARA EXCELLENT POST!

It is by far all about relaxing and being self confident, people react to the non-verbal body language and signals that people put out more than words, i just listened to an audio book that stated only 7% of communication is done by words. If you are projecting self confidence and are relaxed you are going to come off as much more genuine and your chances of passing have skyrocketed. Smiling is very important as well, as well as eye contact, people who are trying to hide something or are nervous do not like to make eye contact at all, when you make eye contact and smile you are projecting the image of being genuine and confident, and people with subconciously pick up on these signals allowing you to be accepted more easily. if you are nervous, fidgity, not making eye contact, you project a more negative signal to others around you and subconciously people's minds view that as a potential threat and causes people to be more aware or you.

[vivianann]

I agree Tamarav, as I have discovered, when I go out in public I show confidence and act like I belong there dressed as a woman. Peaple pick up on that and treat me with total respect. When I go out crossdressed now, I completely forget about what I am wearing, it is so wonderful to be accepted by other peaple for who I am. Most peaple dont even notice anymore. The few peaple who notice give alot of compliments on my dress, legs, and the confidence that I show.

[Kristen Kelly]

You are so right mannerisms and confidence will take you alot farther being out than just looks. I have been out many times in women's jeans gender neutral tops and shoes, no make-up and my 5/8 hoop earrings and let my mammerisms be fem and get missed and maamed all night. The fact that is my own hair and my confincence it to the point I have to be careful not to come off as cocky does help tremendiously.

[shannonsilk]

I agree with the above statements about confidence and smiling. I usually have no trouble blending in and not attracting attention.
Hovever, a few months ago I wore a camisole with built in bra which I hadn't worn before. It turned out that it didn't quite fit right and my breasts started sliippingdown. I started walking kinda hunched over to keep them from slipping further and that was when a guy noticed me from 30 ft away and said " what the f@*?" I stood out by walking and moving oddly.

[Ronni Seymour]

Great advice! When we go out dressed, we ARE women. Can't think of ourselves as a man in a dress!:hf:

[TrekGirl1701]

I must be alone here, but I'm not going to act like anybody other than myself. If I wear women's clothing I'm not going to start acting differently. Yesterday I dressed up and I felt completely comfortable just acting like I normally do. It felt like I was wearing my normal guy clothes.

If I get "read" by people when I go out dressed and I'm not acting like a woman I don't care. I'm going to be minding my own business.

[Sara Jessica]

Great post Tamara. You are so right, confidence and attitude are as important as appearance in order to blend in with the crowd.


I must be alone here, but I'm not going to act like anybody other than myself. If I wear women's clothing I'm not going to start acting differently. Yesterday I dressed up and I felt completely comfortable just acting like I normally do. It felt like I was wearing my normal guy clothes.

If I get "read" by people when I go out dressed and I'm not acting like a woman I don't care. I'm going to be minding my own business.

If you walk like a guy, have guy gestures and talk like a guy, then yes you will be read in a heartbeat. I think a lot of this has to do with our own internal motivations. Some people take offense at the notion that anyone must play a part, so to speak. Some also have no problem with being perceived as a guy in a dress. After all, it's just clothes, right?

I'm not playing, I am who I am, a female to my core, confident and assured. It's not a game to me or any kind of genderf*@% type of thing. I am very conscious to try to project 100% femininity when I'm out as best I can. I guess you can call it attention to detail. As Carol said above, WE ARE WOMEN!!! Thinking any less definately increases our vulnerability in so many ways.

[TrekGirl1701]

If you walk like a guy, have guy gestures and talk like a guy, then yes you will be read in a heartbeat. I think a lot of this has to do with our own internal motivations. Some people take offense at the notion that anyone must play a part, so to speak. Some also have no problem with being perceived as a guy in a dress. After all, it's just clothes, right?

That's exactly me. It is just clothes to me. I love the way women's clothes are designed so I'm going to wear them. If I look like a guy in a dress it's because I am a guy in a dress.

[AKAMichelle]

I know what you mean. I have only been out dressed for about 2 months, but I was coming to the same conclusion. I have been out with a couple of other crossdressers and they have figured out most of the makeup issues. They still move like a man.

The other night I attended a voice seminar and they started explaining to us how a man is choppy in their speech, walk, movement and rhythm. So to help us we were learning burlesque dancing. That was definitely the last thing I expected to see at a voice seminar, but it did make sense. We don't flow as we walk or move through a store. That lack of movement says "MAN". Our voice is the same way.

After the seminar, I took a close examination of myself and realized that I don't act female either. I put my head down in fear and avoid eye contact. I don't flow! So I decided to begin additional work on my attitude. I am saying a lot - I am a woman! Getting completely into the attitude is beginning to pay dividends.

[CD Susan]

I regularly work with clients that are seeking to upgrade their skills at crossdressing, some are very advanced while others are just sticking their toes out of the closet.

My most commonly uttered advice to all the MtF CDs that I have worked with, is to simply act like a woman. when you are dressed, the biggest giveaway is your behaviour. If you act like a victim and expect to get picked out as a man in a dress, then you will.

On many of my transformation forays I escort my clients to a local club to get some practice just sitting and acting like a woman. All of the wait staff knows me and give me feedback on my next visit, they feel that they can help. Most of the time their feedback is invaluable.

For example, I took a MtF CD to this club and we sat for about 2 hours talking and drinking soda and I danced a few times and we left. I almost had to carry my client out, she was so nervous she could hardly walk.

Another MtF CD went with me to the same club, we sat and laughed and looked at other people and she even danced a couple of times with me (first time ever dancing, in male or female mode, she did great, no one cares how you dance!!)

A comparison by the wait staff and my observations was the the second person I came in with was more relaxed (a very tough thing to do when first out) and actually acted like a woman, smiling and moving naturally.

The first client was quiet (which is fine) but kept her head down, never made eye contact with anyone but me, and acted so nervous that she attracted more attention than she should have. She appeared to be a victim just waiting to be pounced upon. I held her hand and talked constantly to her to re-assure her and never pushed her into dancing, or trying to dance. She stood out for the wrong reasons, her dress, makeup, hair and appearance was perfect, it was the person inside that "outed" her.

For both of these clients, it was their very first time out in public.

I wrote an article years ago after an ETVC meeting in San Francisco when we were addressed by a TS Psychiatrist from a local hospital. She pointed out the same thing, being a victim makes you more of a target than your dress. The article has been updated over the years and is available on my web site or by clicking on the link http://www.apparentlyfemale.com/Tami%20stuff/HTM%20files/attitude.htm

You can pass very successfully if you want to, just like many women that do not appear to be very feminine. It is all in your behaviour and how you are perceived by others. Don't be a victim and let others rule how you feel.

Of course I am talking about appearing in the same mode of dress as everyone else, 7 in heels and a full body latex suit don't blend in most places. Dressed like the majority of women in a crowd, acting like most weomen in the same crowd, will generally only get you noticed for your positives. Smiling, moving with a practiced move, handling your purse to get money out, looking people in the eye, and so on.

I also work with FtM clients and believe it or not, they act just the same. We are all alike in that respect. Once you calm down, blend in, and act like everyone else, you are passing.

Sermon over,

Tami

Great post Tami. I first started going out several months ago and have learned a lot in this time. My last time out was the best ever and I will not forget this night for a long time. I am going to a cd support group meeting tonight and after the meeting several of us are going out on the town. I have enough confidence in myself that I have no doubt that tonight will be a great time. Building confidence takes time but when you have reached a level where you no longer even think about being read then you are passing. Having the right attitude builds confidence and I think I have achieved this.

[Mitch23]

my biggest problem now is that my female mannerisms tend to spill over when i am in guy mode - and my wife hates it ;->

mitch

[Katrina]

The converse is true also. I've gone out a bunch of times in guy mode wearing VERY fem shoes (heels and all) and nobody cares. That is because I'm just an average guy and nobody really pays attention to anybody who isn't making a scene. I keep my head up and make eye contact with people. I think people automatically get suspicious of people who act like a victim so they scrutinize them more. As others have said, confidence confidence confidence. Even if you aren't confident, pretend that you are and you are fine.

[Kristen Kelly]

my biggest problem now is that my female mannerisms tend to spill over when i am in guy mode - and my wife hates it ;->

mitch

That is what is happening to me now I am seen as gay in work due to my feminine mannerisms, I no longer turn it on and off the voice is the only difference for me.

[Sonia Greene]

Thankyou Kristen, for reminding me, of the main things when out.
Sonia X

[Genifer Teal]

How you act is the most important part of your presentation. Perfect makeup is of little help if someone reads you from accross the room or street. People tend to size you up right away. Unless they sneak up on you, chances are you will see them before they arrive (near you). Our minds quickly assess every little nuance and is quick to decide male/female, friend/foe ect. Think about it the next time you are out. You may notice new things about others you never realized you paid attention to.

Gen

[silkysabrina]

Well, sounds like a big step and a revelation! I have had an experience either similar or way different, I am not sure what to make of it. Well my wife and I were on our way out to go dancing ( I was "he" ) when my wife decided we should stop at the local lingerie shop that was on the way. Well we went in and my wife was looking for a pair of pumps for me, since up till then all my shoes were sandals or wonderful strappy platforms. I was a little nervous knowing what my wife would do since she really doesn't try to hide the fact that I dress for her. Well anyway we were casually looking at shoes when the sale assistant came up, and asked if she could help. Well, the sales person looked right at me and asked what size I wore! I was somewhat stunned. Well that pretty much broke the ice, and after that everything was fine. But I have to say that for a moment or two I was really quite a bundle of nerves. :o

Sabrina

[Kristen Kelly]

Well, sounds like a big step and a revelation! I have had an experience either similar or way different, I am not sure what to make of it. Well my wife and I were on our way out to go dancing ( I was "he" ) when my wife decided we should stop at the local lingerie shop that was on the way. Well we went in and my wife was looking for a pair of pumps for me, since up till then all my shoes were sandals or wonderful strappy platforms. I was a little nervous knowing what my wife would do since she really doesn't try to hide the fact that I dress for her. Well anyway we were casually looking at shoes when the sale assistant came up, and asked if she could help. Well, the sales person looked right at me and asked what size I wore! I was somewhat stunned. Well that pretty much broke the ice, and after that everything was fine. But I have to say that for a moment or two I was really quite a bundle of nerves. :o

Sabrina

Lucky you, cherish your wife that is a rare jem you have.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

Very well put Tamarav if a CD reads this and dose not get it.......then they never will, time after time way to many Cd's feel that if you look like a woman then you can pass but when they try to act like a woman they fall short or they over do it.

Dose every CD has what it takes to Simply act like a woman.........well I would just say that some are just better at it then others.


LA CINDY LOVE

[Laura Evans]

Tammi, you are so correct. I have found the same to be true for me when I am out in public. I realized fairly early that if I was trying to be seen as a women then I needed to act like one and convince myself that I was who I was portraying to the public. With increased confidence I also began to not care if I was "made" which helped me to relax. In law enforcement it is well known that criminals most often give themselves away when they see a peace officer because they begin to act guilty, just like a cross dresser acts when they think of themselves as males in womens clothing.

[AKAMichelle]

In law enforcement it is well known that criminals most often give themselves away when they see a peace officer because they begin to act guilty, just like a cross dresser acts when they think of themselves as males in womens clothing.

I never even thought of that, but it's so true. If act guilty or doing something wrong then people see that. WOW Great Point!

[Billie_P]

Tami,

Your words are so right on. They came in handy (along with some from a GG friend of mine) in my outings this weekend. It was also handy to just sit at the mall and watch the ladies walk by/shopping/chatting to see their mannerism.