Not as comfortable with myself as I thought I was

[TGMarla]

Last night I went and did something real bone-headed.

A little background. My wife knows I crossdress, but we don't discuss it. She's not exactly accepting of it. I keep it to myself, and she keeps an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude towards it. I do my best to keep it private, and not inflict it on her.

I did a little light crossdressing last night, and washed my pantyhose when I was finished. She got home a little later, and we watched TV and had some dinner with each other. When it was time for bed, I went to the bathroom sink to brush my teeth, and there in the sink, was my pantyhose, still soaking, waiting to be hung up to dry. And my wife saw it all, of course.

She made an offhand remark about it, and shook her head with a bit of a derisive laugh, and a roll of her eyes, and said no more. But she wasn't very happy about it, either. I was mortified. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I really blew it. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. So I had a bit of a restless night, feeling rather forlorn and distant from her. I hate it when I hurt her like that.

This morning, she said nothing more of it, and acted like it had never happened. I'm sure she realizes that it was a mistake, that I didn't mean for it to happen, and that these things are bound to happen from time to time. We're only human, after all. As for me, today is another day, and I will go about my business as usual. But here I had thought that I was getting much more comfortable with myself as a crossdresser. I guess that's not altogether true, at least when it comes to my wife. When confronted with this situation, I didn't handle it like someone who is ready to deal with it. Instead, I closed up and kind of ran from the situation. Apparently, I still have a ways to go on all of this myself.

[Nicole Erin]

Ehhh no big deal sis. She probably was not happy but got over it quick.
It is kind of like when a kid makes a mess, it is aggrivating but nothing to dwell on.
I think you are beating yourself up for nothing.

I mean think of this - at least she knows. What if you were a 100% closet CD and this happened? Worry not...

Erin

[PamelaTX]

Don't beat yourself up. You're going out of your way to be considerate, so you're doing your part. Mistakes happen, it's just part of being human. When something like this happens, just laugh and say "Oops, sorry!" and treat it like it's no big deal. For this one, since she's treating it like it never happened, it's probably best that you do the same.

[TGMarla]

Thanks. I appreciate it. But it says more about me than it does her. I felt ashamed of myself, and diminished in her eyes. I had thought that I had grown enough to not feel that way, but apparently I'm wrong on that. I still have some growing to do.

[trisha59]

Your arrangement with your wife about CDing sounds exactly like mine. Once when she was away for a weekend I of course dressed and thought I had everything back in storage when I went to pick her up at the airport. I opened the trunk and we both spotted a blue high heeled shoe. It was an awkward few minutes. I finally said look this is embarrassing but you know what I do when your away. And thats all we said about it and I had those same feelings that you have. The first few days are the hardest but sometime down the road you will have to take care of a busted pipe or move a dead rodent or something that is called a "mans job" and things will begin to feel right again.

[Sara Jessica]

You know Marla I can totally relate to the story you shared. My wife is very similar, maybe just a little bit more tolerant than yours. I happen to have pushed many reminders of my being tg on her over the last year. Shoe overflow into a large tote under the bed. 8 dresses hanging on her side of the closet (covered with a retail dress bag like they give you when you buy a dress that should not be folded into a bag). Large drawer in our closet organizer devoted to tons of jeans, capris, tops, leggings, etc. My hand washing stuff that has to dry somewhere, how about on top of the armoire in our bedroom? Some of my nicer jewelry in her jewelry box (so she can easily borrow it of course). And I'm sure there's more including the constant reminder of my shaved legs.

My point is that being tg, we sometimes push it. You know the expression, give an inch, take a mile. You seem so grounded in that you understand where your boundries are and feel terrible if you cross the line. Me? I admit I'm still pushing to move the line closer to more tolerance and perhaps a little acceptance. I'm somewhat cautious at times but I think the reason I'm pressing a bit is because I've pretty much pulled back away from the possibility of transition. I therefore want more out of my tg existence than to live in a "don't ask, don't tell" household.

[Shari]

Thanks. I appreciate it. But it says more about me than it does her. I felt ashamed of myself, and diminished in her eyes. I had thought that I had grown enough to not feel that way, but apparently I'm wrong on that. I still have some growing to do.

I felt ashamed and diminished in her eyes.
What a great way to put it. You aren't alone Marla.
Without going into much detail, I've been out with my wife for just about a year. She has seen me dressed and we've even had sex that way and still do from time to time. She's been supportive, but sometimes I get the feeling... Well, you know what I mean.
It seems I'm the one who has trouble with it, not her.
Are we both guilty of making mountains out of molehills? To a certain degree, we are.
We both have to get our minds right. This hurts nobody and gives us so very much in return, but we're always so mindful and overly concerned that we'll hurt somebody. What a sack of guilt we tote around! The mountain would be easier to carry.
Hang in there. I'm trying too.

[Vivian Best]

Well Marla, I've certainly been there also! Your wife sounds exactly like mine. Sometimes I've pushed the envelope a little further than she accepts and she also remarks some dislike about my dressing. She will be distant and cool but the next day she is back to normal. Sometimes I wish she would just explode and get it out of her system once and for all. Many years ago she told me she would never accept my crossdressing and she hasn't and probably won't. So I too walk the tight rope of her feelings verses mine. At this point neither of us are completely satisfied but we make a go of it anyway.

[JenniferR771]

Very similar to my situation Vivian and Marla. My wife strongly disapproves. But I push the envelope, in spite of her attitudes. Went to support groups meetings. Met a cd friend for a shopping trip. I have a few dresses inside a garment bag in my closet. And a couple with no bag. Washed four wigs last year and dried them in the shower. Out of sight, out of mind is her attitude. Sometimes she finds pics on the computer--partly because I didn't bother to hide them. Last week she deleted about 10.

[Sally2005]

This is similar to the other thread about attitude and being accepted or not. I think if we can learn to be proud of ourselves and just answer your wife with a "Tim Allen, grunt" and matter of factly say sorry about that I know I said I would put them away honey, but 9 out of 10 ain't bad is it? ...seriously though, the part about being proud is what will work I think...but, look or feel ashamed and your wife will latch on and make you feel miserable. You are just being you after all.

[Nadia-Maria]

She made an offhand remark about it, and shook her head with a bit of a derisive laugh, and a roll of her eyes, and said no more.
(...)
But here I had thought that I was getting much more comfortable with myself as a crossdresser. I guess that's not altogether true, at least when it comes to my wife. When confronted with this situation, I didn't handle it like someone who is ready to deal with it. Instead, I closed up and kind of ran from the situation. Apparently, I still have a ways to go on all of this myself.

Very good and honest analysis, Marla !

I can identify with your situation ; I came out almost 12 months ago and my SO has had about the same attitude as yours to my crossdressing. And she hates crossdressing.

At first it has been more or less the "don't ask don't tell" behaviour, yet at times she has attempted to convince me I 'd better to lower CDing and even quit it, although I didn't CD in her presence (our agreement). As a matter of fact she is of the controlling type, and as a rule wants me to do as she thinks. I don't like this facet of her temperament, but nobody's perfect and, for the other facets, she appears to me being more "perfect" than any other woman I know. In fact I accept her as she is, but prefer to do as I think.


So that my strategy has been that of the baby steps, as suggested by many more experienced people than me in this forum.
The aim is not to hurt her, but to help her slightly evolving towards more acceptation about my CDing needs.

So that I will make from time to time such a "mistake" as this you did. But I do these mistakes intentionally, and I use the created situation to assess progressively my CDer's rights. I never show any shame or guilt at all.

Now, it's no more the "don't ask don't tell" attitude. She accepts that I will bring up the subject into the conversation from time to time, and she even accepts to see me dressed for a short while in specific occasions.

This strategy of the baby steps is very efficient, I find. Of course you must be convinced that you have any right to crossdress, and you have to show her that you are not dependent of what she thinks about it. Both of you may disagree about the way both of you sees the CDing. Your wife may go on thinking CDing devalorizes you, and you may go on thinking just the opposite.

But, in the long term, you might win her consideration, I believe.

Kisses

[MarcieM]

Thanks. I appreciate it. But it says more about me than it does her. I felt ashamed of myself, and diminished in her eyes. I had thought that I had grown enough to not feel that way, but apparently I'm wrong on that. I still have some growing to do.

I don't know why you should feel ashamed. Stuff happens.
You just want to protect your wife and marriage. Nothing wrong with that.

[MWCMDarlene]

Marla, I can relate to your situation as well as several of the others who have replied to your situation.

My wide also is aware of my CDing with the "don't ask, don't tell", "out of site, out of mind" attitude. She tolerates it, but sees it as being controlled by the devil.

For years, I kept everything hidden out of site. Within the last 12-18 months, I have decided to bring all of my panties into the open. They are mixed in with my male underwear in my drawer. When I wear them and place them in the dirty clothes, on wash day (today), she washes all of the clothes, but leaves them in the bottom of the basket. So I wash them on Friday's which is the day she lets me wash the towels.

Sometimes, I don't get all of the towels dried or folded or put away on Friday, so when she gets home and starts the rest of the clothes, some of my panties will be folded in the den, or in the dryer, or in the washer. She doesn't put them up, but make me do it. Right now, there are three fresh washed ones, folded on the couch. They'll still be there when I go home for supper.

I don't feel as bad as I used to when I would leave some of my unmentionables out, but I guess she hasaccepted this this inch or foot. I wuld love to be able to dress at least part way (bra and forms) in her presence, but that ain't gonna happen for still quite some time. So for now, I'll take what I have and as time moves along, press for a little more room.

[Katrina]

My SO does know and is accepting, but I still have some times where I'm self-conscious about it. For example, she bought me a hot pair of purple boots for my birthday that I love. I got home from work before her one day and I put them on. For some reason, when I heard her come home, I rushed to take them off and put them away. She knows I have them and I've worn them around her a few times too, but I still took them off. It was weird.

[trisha59]

Old habits are hard to break

[Kristen Kelly]

Marla, I can relate to your situation I had a long term GF and I told her about what I did over 2 1/2 years ago, she tried went out with the girls watched me get better with my make-up grow out my hair and become more comfortable with who I am, lately she did not approve so around her Kristen was toned down. I forgot to totally remove waterproof mascara I had on and we went out. The way I was treated you world have thought I'd commited a capital offence and in her eyes I did. Makeup is the only difference between me dressed and not she said and I over stepped her boundries. At this point she is my ex we try to remain friends, this has opened my eyes up to where I wish to go with this and what casulities are abound to happen as to the fact I have told some friends, her family all now know, and some of mine as well.

[Celeste]

Hi Marla, Wow, you are so deeply concerned with how she feels ,which is good, and is the way it should be in a relationship.My thoughts are ,is she aware of that. Maybe a hug and a reminder that she is special to you for being somewhat accepting is your next step.

[Sonia Greene]

I understand why you feel awkward.
Try to be yourself, and not condemnatory. It's no crime. You hurt no-one. It's just that your wife finds it strange.
Just try to be more careful another time, and things will go along better, I think......
Be really nice and loving. And things will look up.

[Jess_cd32]

I just responded to this with a thought out intelligent response but apparently got "timed out" by the site and all is lost now, grrrrr!

Anyway, in a nutshell now I think it's her lack of understanding about what drives a cd's desire to dress, often a desire that starts in pre teens with alot of us. The more she educates herself on it the more she'll realize its not a perversion like most SO's I'm assuming think it may be and may become more comfortable with it overall.

You can make her a list of very real possibilities of what life can throw our way and ask her to choose one if she absolutely had to, some examples can include things such as;

1. I'm having an affair and don't love you anymore.
2. I have a secret gambling problem, we're losing the house and will be homeless soon because of it now.
3. I just came home from the Docs, he says I have 6 months to live (I just had a close call w/ that one but I'm fine TG!)
4. I cd and have since the early age of -- and I'd like you to accept me for it and learn more about it with me. (think she might choose this one?)

Examples like these kinda make them think, yes I guess its not a mountain like I first thought but more like a mole hill in comparison to what could be.

Since we're both smokers here, I'm going to ask eventually my SO to not light up a cig and lighter I'll hand her for two days, then explain to her soon you'll understand the "urge" and the strength of that urge I go thru to cd, and is it fair now to expect me to deny that.

Sorry my original reply got lost, it put it more into a real perspective and may have helped you out more to confront this feeling and situation.
Don't feel bad about cd-ing Marla, its who we are and not by choice.

[Mary Jane]

Marla, similar things have happened to me. My wife has the same attitude as yours and no matterhow hard you try to keep everything away from her eyes, stuff just happens. I have the same sort of feelings you had. I guess it is just something we will have to learn to deal with as long as our wives feel as they do. There is certainly no way to guarntee these little situations will not ome up.

[LilSissyStevie]

She made an offhand remark about it, and shook her head with a bit of a derisive laugh, and a roll of her eyes, and said no more. But she wasn't very happy about it, either. I was mortified. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I really blew it. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. So I had a bit of a restless night, feeling rather forlorn and distant from her. I hate it when I hurt her like that.

It seems to me that you were the one hurt here. Sure, you blew it and reminded her of your little quirk, but she didn't have to treat you like you were a freak because of it. The problem, I think, is that deep down you kind of agreed with her. I sure know how that is. Even though my wife is very accepting and even encouraging of not only CDing but also my other quirks, I sometimes feel deeply ashamed that I give in to these urges. Why, I ask myself, can't I be "normal." I get insecure and ask her how she puts up with me and if she would rather have a normal "real" man. Her response is always very reassuring. The point is the real demons are within ourselves. I just have to remind myself that I'm not harming anybody and I enjoy it. I don't need any other reasons to indulge my weirdnesses. It's great that she participates, but, when it comes down to it, she doesn't have to approve for me to feel OK about myself. It sure helps, I must admit.

[joann426]

gee marla i have been in the same situation i useto hide all on me clothes but now i just put them in my drawls but also we both went to see the doctors the other day and the nurse told me to take off my shirt when my wife seen my chest all shaved she was very angery but i told her that it will grow back(if i let it) but i wont also i wear my bras in her presance i also do all the laundry my self and she dont that why she cant say a thing to me at all dont be afraid of a women just love them more

[SherriePall]

Marla -- Most of us have probably gone through that feeling. I don't think your wife said or did what she did to belittle you or make you feel bad. I believe she reacted that way because she still doesn't understand why you "have" to dress as a woman. Most wives don't get it even if they are open to it and accept it.
In time, you'll feel better about yourself. Maybe, you should even tell your wife how what she said hurt your feelings. I know my wife (who does do my laundry) now watches how she says things to me about my dressing because, in the past, she has been rather caustic and unthinking.

[Karren H]

My wifes the same way... And I behave simular to you when the subject comes up.. Its like... I fear that this time will be the last straw and she will leave.. But she doesn't.. Forgives and forgets and life goes on... That's just the way it is..

[Angie G]

Let it go Marla it seems youe wife has.:hugs:
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

It isn't your wife's, it's yours!:eek:

I have no wife now. However, I am often overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, even disgust! Yet, my CDing hurts no one. Somehow, I feel like I'm cheating. But, who am I cheating on? No one!:sad:

I've gotten by those feelings with the help of the many wonderful folks on this site! Ones who have come to accept CDing as being OK!:)
We SHOULDN'T feel like we r doing something wrong! But, we DO anyway!:doh:

I'm afraid those feelings will return to me again. Hopefully, we will all eventually accept who and what we r. I think when that moment comes, the guilt will finally disappear forever!:thumbsup:

[Tasha McIntyre]

Firstly...Marla, great post. And to all the girls that replied, I thank you too. I have read everyones reply several times, nodding the head, shaking the head, rubbing the beard stubble etc......you know what I mean!!!!!

My wife was.....with the emphasis on WAS generally accepting (but definately not ecstatic) about me getting around the house in girly clothes -until recently. Now it's 'OK if you must, but I really don't want to know about it'. Kind of the out of mind out of sight philosophy!

I think it's hard for her to accept because I am the typical alpha male in many respects. Having such an overt girl side is something she 'just don't understand' It came to a head one night in bed recently. I knew she had something to say, so I pressed a little.....come on, out with it.....and it came, which was a good thing really.

We agreed on 'ground rules' which were suitable to both of us. She doesnt want to see Tash, and definately doesn't want ol' Tashy girl alerting the neighbours lol . In return, Tash gets her own time and space to develop as she sees fit. As we are both shift workers, Tash get's a lot or airspace these days. A lot of time usually spent at the gym is now used to practise make up application :daydreaming::daydreaming::daydreaming:

I could quote a few of the girls replies here....but that would take too long!!! Suffice to say, communication is the key here.

Good luck. :)

[TGMarla]

Thank you, everyone, for all the responses to this post. Believe me, it helps a lot. This is the part of the forum that really helps the most. I think in the long run, that Stevie C hit it right on the head.


The problem, I think, is that deep down you kind of agreed with her.

I am not ashamed that I CD, at least not to this crowd. I'm not likely to ever change, and I greatly enjoy it. It makes me feel whole. But when it comes to my relationship with my wife, perhaps deep down, I still feel like a bit of a freak for doing it. When it is presented in front of her, and the fact that I like to present as a woman is laid out in front of her, I feel very diminished and ashamed, and cannot stand that she might see me as a freak, instead of her loving husband.

I'm a very good person, I think. And I'm a better person for being transgendered, as it makes me much more empathetic to women's issues and to how they feel about things. It's made me more sensitive and caring, and given me a softer side that likely wouldn't be there if I were just a regular guy. I like the feminine part of me because it has given me that tenderness. But somewhere way down inside my psyche, I know that she sees it as a huge character flaw, and I wither when it all surfaces in front of her. Somewhere deep down, maybe I agree with her.

[Raychel]

Marla, What can I say that hasn't been said, Wellcome to our world. I am sure that we have all been there. I know that I have had similar experiences. My wife know of my dressing and dose not wish to see it. So I am very careful to keep it out of sight. But there are those times when the other side of your life sneaks out anyway.

This is why it is best that your SO knows about it. She may roll her eyes and not wish to talk about it, But she does know. And maybe, just maybe, somday you can both becoe more comfortible with it all.

It will take a huge step on both side for you to be truely comfortible with your dressing. Society has been drilling it into everyones head for years that it is wrong to step out of the normal boundries of dressing.

I woudl try to just let it go. If your wife is not totally pissed and you think that she may just let it go, then so be it. Just take it as one more step in this trip called life.

:hugs:

[TxKimberly]

Sitting on the outside reading your story, it doesn't sound like that big a deal, but of course we aren't living your life. As for feeling ashamed, I figure there are two reasons in the present context:
1 - Ashamed that you cross dress.
2 - Ashamed that you sort of let her down by letting her see any part of it when your "agreement" (spoken or not) is that she doesn't want to see it.

If your ashamed that you you cross dress, your the only one that can change that.
If your ashamed you accidentally broke your agreement with her, I wouldn't sweat it too bad. A lot of things come down to "intent" and you had not "intended" or wanted her to see it.

[Ronni Seymour]

Marla,
Wished I could offer a few more words of consolation, other than I can understand how you feel. Even though my wife now accepts my CDing, there are aspects of it that is still very private, and I have to hold back on some things. I hope your wife can eventually come around to accept it. Continue to be sensitive to her feelings and try not to let it bother you too much, hon.