At a marital crossroads.....

[Anita Mae GG]

I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way). Please help me understand this and how he can just shut off that part of him. I thought I was an understandig wife. I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

[2B Natasha]

I think she is out of bounds on that one. You should never be put in a place where you have to chose between those thoughts. IMHO she is way over the line. Then to dare and say that you don't want her because you are not willing to get into an extra marital affair, for his/her benefit.

If I could reach out and give you a hug I would. She/He needs to get that head on straight and start taking ownership of her/his decisions and the results of them. Not lay the blame on someone or something else.

[dancinginthedark]

Anita I just wanted you to know I have read your words and my heartbreaks for you at this moment. I have no answers on why your hubby is behaving like he is since I am not a CD. But as a wife I say s/he is way out of bounds.

I hope that the ladies can give you some of the answers you need and look for. But in the end I think the only one who can give you those answers is your hubby.


:hugs:


dancin

[marykrissmithcd]

You are not doing anything wrong by placing the limit on him to not having a sexual relationship with another CD. After all, you are married. I love that you have been so supportive of his CD'ing and willing to help him in that respect. Sounds to me like he wants to have a gay relationship for which you do not have to accept. I think it's time for counciling. He has to decide if being a CD with a wonderful supportive wife is worth loosing that to have sex with another CD. I would love to have my wife be as supportive as you. Marianne

[Tracii G]

Bringing another party into the marriage IMO is very wrong.
Thats just my feeling.Maybe his lack of sexual drive towards you is a result of medical problems.Not saying thats the case here but also he may feel your sexual relationship has become stale.
Maybe a spicing up your love making would help.
Also if you have been married for a very long time he may be looking for something new to arouse him be it a 3 some or a bi or gay twist. I wish I could help.
I have trouble keeping my own relationships going.

[vivianann]

Anita my heart goes out to you, like the others have said, you are not wrong in your thinking, stand your ground on this one, you deserve better treatment, and your husband should not ask you to bring another person to the bed. Most of us cders would give anything to have a woman like you who accepts our crossdressing. take care sweetheart.:hugs: Vivian

[Babette]

.... Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

Anita, I don't mean to be flippant but your sense of seeing appears to be very clear. This person who agreed to marry you has not lived up to their their vows. As the old saying goes, "A deal is a deal." Anything outside of that requires an honest explanation IMHO.

Your situation is truly heartbreaking for so many of us to hear about. I do hope you can some resolution.

Babette

[karinels]

Are his desires that strong that he needs a man, or is this just curiosity that he needs to experience? My ex GF and I had discussed similar things, but I thought a few 'toys' and role play would be a good experience. Unfortunately, we split before we followed through on any of those things.

I hope the 2 of you can work this out, but if he needs more than you can offer, IMHO it does not sound very promising. Counseling may help, but if it doesn't, I urge the both of you to realize that you are both right for your feelings and beliefs.

From my experience, the curiosity was not worth losing the love and support of the best thing that ever happened to me, her.:daydreaming::sad:

[Tracii G]

Being Bisexual I understand the feeling he is having but why oh why mess up a marriage.Marriage is giving oneself to one person not a group.

[Selene EV]

Hi Anita
You sound like a wonderful woman and a terrific wife. I would give almost anything to have what your offering to your husband. My wife dosen't want to see it, talk about, know about it, nothing. I think asking you to bring a third person into the bed is way too much to ask. I have to agree with Dancing above. The only one who can help you understand is your husband.
Good luck
Selene

[Margot]

:2c:Anita; when CD's have problems expressing their fem feelings with their So's the advice is to talk about it with the SO. It seems the shoe is on the other foot here. I think you need to talk specifically about your feelings with him so that you can both better understand each other. Without this your relationship is doomed for sure.
There is no need to take this all on yourself,hon.
Talk it through. It will help you make decisions one way or another.
I hope it works out for you.
:hugs:
Margot

[Clara]

Anita, first let me say that I don't want to judge your husband, I have no right to do that. But you sound like a very supportive wife and I want to let you know that you have every right not to accept this desire of his. He might be bisexual or bi-curious or merely curious. I don't know. But does it really matter? Is it any different than if he wanted to have sex with another woman?

I think the only thing you can do is what other girls already suggested, talk to him. Let him know how it makes you feel. Good luck!

[Holly]

...we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than cross-dressing? Help me understand!In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. I hope that this is not his way of "punishing" you for not agreeing to have another CDer become a part of your sexual relationship. You would be well within your rights to demand an explanation from him. Should he refuse, I'm afraid I would see this as a sign of a toxic element having been introduced into the relationship.

[renee k]

Hi Anita,

This is just so wrong. After reading your post, you have my support. For the life of me I don't see why people get an itch, and insist it must be scratched.

Huggs, Renee

[Joann0830]

I think she is out of bounds on that one. You should never be put in a place where you have to chose between those thoughts. IMHO she is way over the line. Then to dare and say that you don't want her because you are not willing to get into an extra marital affair, for his/her benefit.

If I could reach out and give you a hug I would. She/He needs to get that head on straight and start taking ownership of her/his decisions and the results of them. Not lay the blame on someone or something else.

Honey. it is not you at all, being understanding and supportive thats what you are, but what your S.O. is asking for is way out of bounds in my book. That is not what CD is all about, that is your S.O. trying to fulfiil a fantasy. A marriage or relationship is respect and understanding of each other. I have been crossdressing for as long as I can remember since I was little and when I got married My wife (she Passed in 2001)we discussed things and she only said to me that as Long as I dont kiss her with makeup on we were fine. We both laughed and I totally agreed. Your S.O. should consider to be lucky to have someone like you, it is not easy to meet someone understanding, supportive and beautiful such as you. So dont even think it is you at all. Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love::hugs:

[Joy Carter]

I can't add anything more. Just that I pray things work out for you.

[Jonianne]

Anita, you have every right to expect the marital bounds to be kept. It breaks my heart to see so many supportive SO's on here have so much difficulty when they have given so much. This is an issue you also have every right to expect frank discussions to try to find out what is going on.

[Sheila]

I want to let you know that you have every right not to accept this desire of his. He might be bisexual or bi-curious or merely curious[. I don't know. But does it really matter? Is it any different than if he wanted to have sex with another woman?
:iagree:


In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. I hope that this is not his way of "punishing" you for not agreeing to have another CDer become a part of your sexual relationship. You would be well within your rights to demand an explanation from him. Should he refuse, I'm afraid I would see this as a sign of a toxic element having been introduced into the relationship.

Anita from another GG all the CDR's have said much the same but CLara and Holly's words spoke directly to my heart:hugs:

I hope hun that you can find some answers from the family here :hugs:

[Teri Jean]

Anita, I agree with the rest of the girls, It is not about you, he needs to take ownership and deal with his feelings not force them on you. Being widowed I would love someone like you in my life. Wish you the best and serious HUGGS. Keli

[Jilmac]

Anita, you are a very brave woman to ask the sisters on this forum (GGs and CDs) for advice. My heart goes out to you in your dilemma. It seems as if your hubby wants more than you can provide in wanting a bi sexual relationship. Please don't blame yourself or think that this situation is your fault. You have been supportive of his dressing which I know for a fact is something difficult for any spouse. I believe your best option at this point would be to seek out counseling to try to get to the root of his desire. There seems to be much more than crossdressing on his mind. I sincerely hope you can save your marriage.

[Mollyanne]

Hi there, I can't add anything to this except to give you words of support and encouragement in this most trying time.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG HERE!!!! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS ACCEPTED!!!! YOUR SO HAS OVERSTEPPED THE BOUNDARIES AND MUST MEND THE DAMAGE!!!!
I think most of us(cd'ers)would give their"eye teeth" for a woman such as yourself who is so accepting and has gone out of her way in order to make this work(up to this point)
Should you need to, e-mail me!!!!

:love: Mollyanne

[Jess_cd32]

You are not doing anything wrong by placing the limit on him to not having a sexual relationship with another CD. After all, you are married. I love that you have been so supportive of his CD'ing and willing to help him in that respect. Sounds to me like he wants to have a gay relationship for which you do not have to accept. I think it's time for counciling. He has to decide if being a CD with a wonderful supportive wife is worth loosing that to have sex with another CD. I would love to have my wife be as supportive as you. Marianne

So far I've made it to this post and agree 100% with it, it's not you, its your SO. It has nothing to do with cd-ing what your SO is asking, your SO just happens to be a cd and is curious, that request is made by non cd's as well in relationships.
Nothing to do with you at all so don't take any blame or be forced into anything you don't want to do:hugs:

P.S. Don't forget your amoung friends here that will support you as well:love:

[Angie G]

You did the right thing saying no to what she wanted you to do. And then to act like that is inexcusable. To ask it is one thing but this is way out of line hun. Stick to you guns.:hugs:
Angie

[Kelly DeWinter]

I have to agree with everyone else, This is clearly outside of your marriage. Everyone has boundries, it seems as if your boundries are not being respected. I would suggest a clear open discussion with firm boundries. Intamicy is part of a relationship. There are some other deeper issues going on here. Counseling can be a wonderful stepping stone to rebuilding a relationship. When seeing a counselor, be open and frank, talk about EVERYTHING ! A good counselor has heard it all before.

Kelly

[Vicky_Scot]

Anita thank goodness one of you in this marriage have morales.

Your husband needs a good kick up the backside to even suggest what he suggested. I may be well off the mark but this has nothing to do with crossdressing. He obviously is attracted sexually to men full stop. You do not just suddenly become sexually attracted to men because you put on a dress.

I am certainly upset by the part that you say he has no interest in you sexually. You certainly seem very accepting of your husbands dressing and I can assure you that many many wonderful loving men who dress, out there that would snap you up in a minute. And most importantly love you for being the woman you are and would not want anyone else in the relationship.

Bringing a third party into the marriage for sexual reasons or for any reason in fact is unacceptable in my opinion. My main concern is that he may be doing things behind your back already and you need to watch things on health grounds if you do have any sexual contact with him in the near future.

As many have said it is an agreement between two people. You stay strong and stick by your morales. I know its easy to say but i would really consider strongly if you want to stay in this marriage.

You will be in my thoughts Anita.

Xx Vicky xX

[Amy Lynn3]

I can only echo what the others have posted. I do hope things turn around for you and you get the love you need from him. He is 100% wrong to deny himself, without very good reasons, that both of you agree on and to ask for another person to join the relationship is way over the top.I have no idea what reason he would have to ask a supportive wife for such permission, but stick to your guns and don't allow that to happen. I know many cders who would love to have a wife like you (myself amoung them) and would consider only your desires in a marriage. You have alot to offer any person in a marriage, so never feel you could be the reason. If you just want to talk to someone, please feel free to pm me anytime.

[rhondamichelle]

Dear Anita,

I agree with Kelly that at this point it may require professional guidance to help you determine where things go from here. And this forum is always available to help provide support and information.

Best wishes,

Rhonda Michelle

[kelliboots]

An extramarital affair needs to be addressed with help and counselling, but you were perfectly right to put a bound on him.

[suchacutie]

I read all the posts and finally came to the one that suggested counseling. I wish to more than suggest it. Your husband needs to understand the damage he is creating. Considering the massive issues he has created, you are a saint for still putting up with this situation! Leaving it as the elephant in the room at all times can only end in destruction without outside help. Joint counseling is really the only way, and if you suggest it and he rejects it, I'm sorry to say that I would see your options as badly limited. I do so hope he can be brought out of this destructive path he has chosen. There are hundreds of CDs here who would give parts of their anatomy for the kind of loving and sharing care you have shown to your SO. If he's not careful, he could find himself on the outside looking in.

all my best wishes for his enlightenment.

tina

[KimberlyG]

This gurl is getting ready to lose someone she may never be able to replace.
All the laughter and tears, good and bad you have shared, up in smoke.
S/he needs to snap outta' this!

Get some help before its too late and take her with you. A commitment was made hold her to it. By what you have posted you have far exceeded what others would have put up with - you surely love this person.

Marriages to great GG's are hard to come by as it is for us CD's.

I wish you well sister.

Hugs,

[trisha11]

First off let me say that I think he should be more than lucky and happy to have a wife that is so supportive. I am soon to be divorced because my wife was not open minded about Trisha at all. If you were supportive and encouraged her that is awesome. Try to understand that many of us cd's do this for very different reasons. Some of it is for the fun and excitement, some of it is because we really like being femme, but for some of us there is an added sexual piece. It sounds like your hubby has that. You could consider trying some toys or roleplay like a previous post suggests. All I know is that there are few and far GG's and SO's out there that truly understand and try to understand. He better hold on to you as it sounds like your caring and loving and have accepted this side of him.

Here is a big hug
Trisha

[Anita Mae GG]

TY to all of you that have responded.

We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't. I don't fear him doing thins behind my back as he is always here or at work. I do have "gay" concerns however and he denies it of course. I love him to death but I cannot stay this way forever. I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried. I shipped the kids to a friends house and wanted to talk but as sooon as he got home and saw that he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change" and then he went off to get the kids. I was/am devastated. It wasn't about cding or that other stuff/ that is 25% the issue. I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some) as he won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids 3 of which are 10 yrs and younger. :(

[rhondamichelle]

Anita,

I think they now have some sort of marital dispute resolution type counseling for couples that are at an impasse and from what you're describing it sounds like that's where you're at....might be worth looking into.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Michelle

[Shannen]

TY to all of you that have responded.

We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't. I don't fear him doing thins behind my back as he is always here or at work. I do have "gay" concerns however and he denies it of course. I love him to death but I cannot stay this way forever. I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried. I shipped the kids to a friends house and wanted to talk but as sooon as he got home and saw that he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change" and then he went off to get the kids. I was/am devastated. It wasn't about cding or that other stuff/ that is 25% the issue. I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some) as he won't even talk to me. I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids 3 of which are 10 yrs and younger. :(

I'm sorry that you and your children are in this situation. As far as I can tell, your husband wishes to live a "swinger" lifestyle, and one that is either bisexual or homosexual in nature. Holly, and perhaps others, suggested that he is getting sexual gratification from somewhere and I tend to agree. It may be from himself...

I also don't know how advanced his crossdressing is... could he perhaps be taking hormones? I ask because that would be the only other way I can think of for him to have a decreased need in the bedroom.

Does he show you affection in other ways? Kisses, hugs, just a smile across the room? If not, your children are growing up in a household where dad doesn't love mom... and that is damaging in itself. STD's? If he asked you to bring a male partner into the bedroom, then I would be asking him to pee in a cup or give some blood...

I wish you the best, and that everything turns out to be resolvable. I think 2 people can always work things out when they both try. You are on crossdressers.com looking for answers and support. He might be on swingers.com (if that exists...) looking for answers and support. I'm sure there are people in this world that will tell him that you are being a prude for not wanting to experiment with others. It's all just a matter of perspective, and you both need to reach the same perspective.

Most people here see his request as out of bounds. Some people here see a man's desire to wear pantyhose out of bounds. I questioned if I should write all this... sometimes we don't like to discuss these matters in public. For the record, I hope he comes to his senses and gives up his sexual fantasies that don't begin and end with you. One more thing, if you need to "talk" to a counselor by yourself, don't be afraid to. "Joint" counseling has its place, but take care of yourself too!

:hugs:

[MJ]

In a word, YES! Anita, you are an attractive woman. Either there is a clinical reason for your husband's abstinence, he has taken a vow of celibacy for religious reasons, or his sexual needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Whatever the reason, he is absolutely wrong in not communicating with you. .


Dear Anita,
my heartbreaks for you too at this moment. you do need to talk with him !!! there is something very wrong here. you are a Gorgeous woman. unless there is a medical reason for this behavior.. i would tell him to put out or get out ..

[tall sam]

Reading this post, its difficult not to feel for you and add a thought.

Maby there is a bit more than just the CD and partner thing. Its very common for marrages to go through a hump when kids are about 10. We have three friends all with kids this age and all in the midst of sepperation, divorce etc. Even my own marage has been rough for a year or two.

It is not easy to address these issues - when you try to address them as you have it might seem to your partner that you are making an issue out of nothing and this simple process makes it worse. My wife sometimes want to discuss something and it really gets my back up as I thing its over and should just be left to fade away.

Well, here are a few hints that might help:
Ask if she (ie his female persona) would like to come to dinner and a chat.
Write your feeling down in a letter but make sure that the intention is positive and not a moan lette.
Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.

good luck and keep us all posted! - Sam

[Amanda_in_MA]

Anita,

Wow, my heart aches for you. Your hubby is a lucky man to have someone who appears to be as loving and supportive as you, yet he his trying to destroy the blessing that he has received.

IMHO ones wedding vows are something to take seriously, to love, honor and cherish all the days of your lives does not include inviting someone else into your material bed, nor should it. I sorry that you are going though this. I believe that there is something going on with your hubby. S/he appears to be looking for something and is “hiding” behind her crossdressing as an excuse to explore having an affair. For the sake of your health, and the kids, please girl get her to join you in couples counseling.

Look luck lov, my thoughts are with you.

Amanda

[Sheila]

Well, here are a few hints that might help:
Ask if she (ie his female persona) would like to come to dinner and a chat.
Write your feeling down in a letter but make sure that the intention is positive and not a moan letter.
Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.

Have you actually read the original post


Avoid being confrontional for a while - get off his case for a few days and se if he responds with being a bit easier and open with you.


we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. !

Her hubby is in a two year sulk because she will not allow another CDR into their sexual life


I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way).



I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

and you advise inviting "her" in for a meal, writing an understanding letter but not moaning, and avoif being confrontational .................... He is damn lucky she has not buried him under the patio:Angry3::Angry3:

[ReineD]

I am the wife of a crossdresser. It has been 2 years since he dressed and since it has been discussed. He said I didn't reall accept (because I had issue with inviting another cd'er into our lives in a sexual way). Please help me understand this and how he can just shut off that part of him. I thought I was an understandig wife. I bought all kinds of stuff, encouraged him to meet people but I just couldn't go that extra step as it went outside the bounds of our marriage. He isn't interested in me at all. Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years. Is there something I am not seeing? Am I in denial of something bigger than crossdressing? Help me understand!

Did he want to invite a particular CDer into your bedroom, or did he engage in a physical affair, or was it cybersex? I echo the others in that he is out of bounds if he wants to do this and his expectations are high indeed if he takes your refusal as a sign you do not support the CDing. I've seen threads here where CDer's wonder if it is OK to explore this side of themselves and whether or not it is a betrayal to the relationship because they do not want to do it in guy mode? :strugglin I do not know if this is the case with your husband. Here is a thread dealing with the issue: Being With a Man (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90061&highlight=bisexual). The majority of the replies in this thread that address the question of cybersex as cheating agree it is NOT OK to do this.

He hasn't CDed in 2 years despite your support. He is fortunate to have your support! Is he having difficulty accepting it and is this something he wants to repress? I've seen advice here suggesting if the CDing is acknowledged and if he allows himself to express it, then eventually the question of being femme becomes demystified and the fantasies subside (if this is what he is having) and take on a more realistic flavor? Just a thought.

Whether he is overcome by his femme fantasies, or he has other problems as Holly suggested, he does owe you an explanation as to why he no longer wants to be intimate with you. You do not discuss the CDing, but what does he have to say on the subject of not wanting to be intimate?

One last thought. I don't know if you've considered this and please forgive me if it is not your situation. In the past while I was learning about this I mistook evidence of CDers supporting and validating one another through picture comments as an indication they were bi-curious and wanted to encourage a sexual relationship. It happened in my own relationship and I imagined scenarios that were not even close to being the truth for me. Granted there are CDers who are bi-curious or bisexual, but there are many more who have no interest in any sexual relationship even though they do validate one another.
:hugs:

/*EDIT*/ I just saw your second post .. sorry.



We have done roll play and he seems fine as long as I have been the "man" but regular sex he isn't interested, or at least wasn't.

... I feel unwanted, unloved and just a mom- not a wife at all. It is sad but he doesn't want to talk. I tried .. he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change"

...I really don't know what the issues are (other than the 3some)

Any successful relationship requires communication and negotiation. If he only wants it his way without acknowledging your wishes or issues, or if you are interested in taking 'turns' but he is not, then he is not being sensitive to your needs! And is he now withholding sex because you will not agree to a threesome? Does he not care that you feel unwanted and unloved? You have just as much of a voice in this relationship as he does.

Wanting to stay in the marriage for the kids or for financial reasons cannot be discounted, but it does not sound as if you are happy being in a marriage of convenience. I'm afraid you need to ask yourself if this is how you wish to lead your life or if this is the environment in which you wish to raise your children.

It does seem at this point as if the two of you need to be in marital counseling in order to resolve this. Or, as Shannen above suggested, go see a counselor alone if he will not go with you, so you can best decide how to resolve this.
:hugs:

[Valerie]

Dear Anita,

As you have seen, our general opinion is that your husband is lucky to have you, and you are absolutely right in not wanting another person in your bed when he has shown no sexual interest towards you in two years. While I can sympathize with his confusion, he is clearly pushing the envelope. Counseling seems like the last option. If not, as hard as this may seem, get out of this relationship. You can find and merit a better one.

Valerie

[curiouslooker]

This is the perverted (go ahead and bash me for saying it) male side of him asking for this.

I warn you, my wife and I brought another woman into our bed and it was the biggest mistake of our lives. There is NO WAY this is a good thing. Yeah, it was fun when it happened. That's only because it is so taboo. I repeat, don't do it.

I speak from experience. If need be, go to a therapist. Marriage is a sacred thing and should be fought for. But, it is between 2 people not 3.

Good luck.

[MJ]

Dear Anita,

As you have seen, our general opinion is that your husband is lucky to have you, and you are absolutely right in not wanting another person in your bed when he has shown no sexual interest towards you in two years. While I can sympathize with his confusion, he is clearly pushing the envelope. Counseling seems like the last option. If not, as hard as this may seem, get out of this relationship. You can find and merit a better one.

Valerie

i disagree Counseling seems like the best option.. before it's too late

[Anita Mae GG]

Thank you all for your insight. Your responses have definitely given me some food for thought. I really appreciate it and I value everything you had to say......now to just get him to listen to me :)

[Sophia de la luz]

I have a hard time understanding how the situation has come to pass. I can't imagine living with a woman and going two years without sex. When my wife and I have difficulties we shift over to written communication. It allows each person to be complete with each round, and allows for more time to process what is being shared. It also helps each party get quite a bit clearer on who they are, what they need, etc.
I salute your openess to your husband's self expression. It seems to me that that sort of love will eventually bring you great happiness. It remains to be seen whether your current husband will get to share in that.

Good luck.

[kathtx]

Anita,

I don't have much insight to add to what's already been said, except to express my support and to be one more voice in the chorus reassuring you that your husband's behavior is WAY out of bounds. Any marriage where one partner refuses to talk is a very unhealthy marriage indeed, and you need to think hard about whether it is good for you and for your kids to stay in this marriage. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

As a partner in a marriage, you have inalienable rights to among other things (1) a willingness to talk through problems, (2) a monogamy, if you want it, (3) a healthy sexual relationship in which your desires are considered equally with his, and (4) emotional support through the difficult times. You are getting none of these.

On the question of "third parties": Some couples do choose to have non-monogamous marriages; it's apparent that your husband wants one. However, this is an issue on which you have *absolute* right of refusal. If you want a monogamous marriage, you have every right to expect him to comply, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

There are no simple answers here, but I wish you luck and strength to find your way through this.

Kath

[Delila]

I know that you said otherwise but it is pretty uncommon for CDers as far as I have seen to give up their crossdressing for as long as 2 years though I am sure it has happened. It definitely seems like he must be getting what he wants somewhere else. There are many CDers here that are successfully living in the closet and it is something that we are all practiced at. In the end it is truely unfair to demand such a thing as allowing another into your marital bed and something that should not be permitted. You seem like a very understanding and strong woman if your husband can't be happy with only you then I think that you really need to at least see a councelor to find out why.

[Jess_cd32]

.............There are no simple answers here, but I wish you luck and strength to find your way through this.

Kath

After reading more of this thread I think thats an understatement at this point, especially with young kids involved.

What I'm wondering that possibly might help to open some line of communication for them is if anyone here would be interested in calling this fellow CDer with her permission of course. Someone that can not only relate to the bi/or threesome desires he has but her as well not accepting it, someone non judgemental and openminded to both thoughts, just a thought.

Having the communication disolve and for that long isn't good, somehow it needs to be carefully brought back so both of you can disscuss this like adults. I know Anita you've allready gone above and beyond on your end, I see alot of selfishness in (his) behaviour (I'm calling "him" that for simplicities sake)

I think Anita he's really being tormented inside as far as he's concerned, and is really struggling with guilt, maybe some remorse, alot of confusion etc... . He needs to realize he's putting you thru worse while he's finding and grappling with his own indentity that he feels will possibly bring him happiness.
Its easy to condemn him at first for what he's doing, but now there needs to be a solution.

If worse comes to worse Anita PM me for my email and I'll talk to him via the net if you think that might help and he would/may talk about it. I'm a closet cd, straight with a SO so that's about the best I can offer, I am very open minded/ non judgemental though about what others choose to do and have had in depth conversations with all preference cd's over the years so maybe I could get him to reconsider talking to you again about this. I think he'll open up to another cd more easily than a councelor, he at least probably can relate to another cd easier having that in common. Hang in there and I'm hoping for the best for you both, esp for the kids sake, but I'm with you 100%and hold your ground:hugs:

[ReineD]

:yt: I agree. It would be good to put everything on the table. It might open up communication. Is your SO a member here?

[Raquel June]

he said "it is pointless talking to you- nothing will change"

Can you give us any insight into what he meant by this? Is it all about him wanting a 3-some? Is there something you're didn't mention? Is there anything else that he's complaining about that he wants to change in your relationship?

It is a fact that having a 3-some destroys relationships almost without fail, so you certainly shouldn't blame yourself for not giving in to that. Most guys pursuing 3-somes are doing it because they're horny and they think their wife will give in. They do not abstain from sex for years when the wife doesn't give in, though.

A lot of people around this forum like to argue that most CDs are totally straight. That's untrue. There may be a lot of straight CDs here, but this forum isn't a valid cross-section of the CD community. I've met hundreds of CDs and most of them have no desire to come here. If you look around Yahoo groups, though, you'll see that there are many groups with many many bisexual CDs who want nothing more than to hook up with guys or other CDs.

Like several people have said, therapy/counseling would be great, but I doubt your husband would be interested in participating. When he refuses to even try, there's not much you can do. People rarely change unless they are faced with severe consequences for their behavior, and you have to be strong enough to present him with those consequences or you'll just be abused the rest of your life. You have to think of what's best for you and your kids -- although the kids definitely make things complicated.

I was in a 12-year relationship, the second half of which was loveless/sexless and very painful. For years I simply couldn't admit to myself that it was over because I was so in love with her. My life was miserable. She was fun to hang out with, but I could barely even get a hug out of her. Being totally alone is less lonely than the emotional distance was in that relationship because it was like constantly being faced with rejection/abandonment from someone who said she loved me. I still love her, and I still often doubt I'll ever be in love again, but I feel a lot better than I did when I was in that relationship.

[AndiSwitch]

Hi Anita

I am so sorry to read of your problem. Cross-dressing is such a varied thing...So many of us do it for so many different reasons. It sounds like your partner also harbours bisexual interests and a desire to turn a fantasy into reality despite knowing that you do not wish another CD in your relationship. You and he must talk and share what is good in your relationship and how you can rebuild the love and loving relationship that you both want.

Remind him how lucky he is to have such a lovely wife who accepts his cross-dressing. remind yourself of the positive aspects of your relationship. Talk (however painful) bout why you no longer have sex. ask him how that feels for hima nd why he has withdrawn sex. Ask him to consider how he thinks that will make you feel. Remind him of times when sex was good and therefore help him to consiedre how hurtful it must be for you to feel rejected (and frustrated).

Talk and listen to each other ad focus on the postive aspects of your relationship and how you can rebuild and restore the good stuff.

Maybe it would help to talk with a third party (impartial facilitator) to help you both to express your feelings.

I wish you good fortune and wish that I could help more.

Andi
x

[Annaliese]

I hate to think this but I think he is having sex just not with you. He is way out of line, there needs to be some canceling on his part, what he is doing is wrong. Please make sure he is tested before you and he start having sex again.

Sorry for your pain and a hug

Annaliese

[Shelly67]

Goodness this thread has my blood boiling !!! I applaud you for staying cool on this issue . And I think its very brave to ask for advice after so long being unhappy . You obviously care very deeply for youre husband . I hope my thoughts on this will not upset you in anyway . You have every right to be so p*ssed off at youre partner . I,m sorry to be so blunt , but to bring others into the marriage is wrong . Its also so damned selfish on his behalf .
It is after all audultery.
It seems as if his behaviour is almost signalling the end of youre marriage . But , hopefully the responses on here will at least make him think. perhaps councelling will develope communication , however two years of a non exsistent sexual relation certainly is hiding something greater , I think.
We all have problems , but as an adult they should be discussed .
Sex , and all its issues , like fantasy can be talked about . I mean , we get married and are supposed to stay faithful . Its only natural after years together to have fantasies ...for both persons concerned . They can be lived out if both people are open minded , considerate of each others feelings and needs - but in my opinion it should be only together , and alone with no other person in the back ground . He shouldnt stray outside of the marital bedroom , leaving you waiting like an attentive ,but unfeeling wife . How ignorant .As for the other , I,m simply agog at the persons cheek at continuing to take part and encourage him to cheat - if its happened. Its morally disgusting.

Its also so wrong to deny a beautiful women like yourself , of her right to a happy sexual and fullfilled marriage .

How would he like it if you played around ??

I think you need to put youre cards on the table . Tell him straight , try to get those communications going , don,t give up . If you do ( and I,m sure you wont , otherwise you wouldnt have contacted this site for starters ) you,ll never know the answears to youre confusion and worries .
And if it helps - show him all the replys to youre thread .Speshlly mine . This is the reason I,ve put my pennies worth to this thread .

You should be ashamed , for goodness sake speak to youre wife .

I,d seek lawful advice if youre strong enough , just in case ......you never know .

I,ll be thinking of you both , good luck , god bless , be strong .

And lastly , if it all goes wrong try to be amicable .

[lauraabdl]

Anita my heart goes out to you, like the others have said, you are not wrong in your thinking, stand your ground on this one, you deserve better treatment, and your husband should not ask you to bring another person to the bed. Most of us cders would give anything to have a woman like you who accepts our crossdressing. take care sweetheart.:hugs: Vivian

I MUST AGREE with Vivianne totally. Hugs and Love, take care and hpefully your CDer will read the thoughts of us girls here and reconsider his/her stance.
Laura:hugs:

[Rachaelb64]

Goodness this thread has my blood boiling !!! I applaud you for staying cool on this issue . And I think its very brave to ask for advice after so long being unhappy . You obviously care very deeply for youre husband . I hope my thoughts on this will not upset you in anyway . You have every right to be so p*ssed off at youre partner . I,m sorry to be so blunt , but to bring others into the marriage is wrong . Its also so damned selfish on his behalf .
It is after all audultery.
It seems as if his behaviour is almost signalling the end of youre marriage . But , hopefully the responses on here will at least make him think. perhaps councelling will develope communication , however two years of a non exsistent sexual relation certainly is hiding something greater , I think.
We all have problems , but as an adult they should be discussed .
Sex , and all its issues , like fantasy can be talked about . I mean , we get married and are supposed to stay faithful . Its only natural after years together to have fantasies ...for both persons concerned . They can be lived out if both people are open minded , considerate of each others feelings and needs - but in my opinion it should be only together , and alone with no other person in the back ground . He shouldnt stray outside of the marital bedroom , leaving you waiting like an attentive ,but unfeeling wife . How ignorant .As for the other , I,m simply agog at the persons cheek at continuing to take part and encourage him to cheat - if its happened. Its morally disgusting.

Its also so wrong to deny a beautiful women like yourself , of her right to a happy sexual and fullfilled marriage .

How would he like it if you played around ??

I think you need to put youre cards on the table . Tell him straight , try to get those communications going , don,t give up . If you do ( and I,m sure you wont , otherwise you wouldnt have contacted this site for starters ) you,ll never know the answears to youre confusion and worries .
And if it helps - show him all the replys to youre thread .Speshlly mine . This is the reason I,ve put my pennies worth to this thread .

You should be ashamed , for goodness sake speak to youre wife .

I,d seek lawful advice if youre strong enough , just in case ......you never know .

I,ll be thinking of you both , good luck , god bless , be strong .

And lastly , if it all goes wrong try to be amicable .

:yt:

Your husband is way off the mark, making demands like that. He is being manipulative, broaderline malicious even. A relationship is a two-way street, give & take. Unfortunatly, its seems that your doing all the giving and he is just taking everything.

He needs a slap! And you need to start fighting back.

[charlie]

Hello Anita Mae!
You are married to a jerk. He came out to you that he was a cd and you worked with it, did not leave then, and he tries to immerse you in his silly fantasies. You are a woman that married a man. He turned out to be a different man then you thought you had, but you still worked through that. If he isn't having sex with you, where now is he having sex? He is no longer treating you like his wife, best friend and confident. Find a more loving individual. Just because he CD does not make him the ungrateful wretch that he is turning out to be. You deserve better and perhaps he has become interested in someone else.

[Anita Mae GG]

To answer some questions out there. The "it's pointless to talk to you " had nothing to do with cding. he hasn't mentioned cding or dressed in 2 years. what he thinks is pointless and what exactly won't chenge- i have no flippin' clue. it's like he has given up and that is that. I don't get it.

my SO is on here- hasn't logged in for more than a year probably- it is Danielle65.

i'm not sure how much of my issue s cding, other marital issues or what to be honest. When he mentioned the 3some I told him I'd think about it, well I did and I just couldn't imagine that fantasy becoming reality. for me anyway.

I had gone out with him to check out some gurls night out meetings from afar of course and him in drab, I hooked him up with a yahoo site which he deleted when he stopped ressing, he had a myspace that i created to meet other cd's like him also deleted. not sure what the deal is. i am lost and lonely and not sure wht to do now :(

[Laura_Stephens]

To answer some questions out there. The "it's pointless to talk to you " had nothing to do with cding. he hasn't mentioned cding or dressed in 2 years. what he thinks is pointless and what exactly won't chenge- i have no flippin' clue. it's like he has given up and that is that. I don't get it.

my SO is on here- hasn't logged in for more than a year probably- it is Danielle65.

i'm not sure how much of my issue s cding, other marital issues or what to be honest. When he mentioned the 3some I told him I'd think about it, well I did and I just couldn't imagine that fantasy becoming reality. for me anyway.

I had gone out with him to check out some gurls night out meetings from afar of course and him in drab, I hooked him up with a yahoo site which he deleted when he stopped ressing, he had a myspace that i created to meet other cd's like him also deleted. not sure what the deal is. i am lost and lonely and not sure wht to do now :(

Like many others -- I wish I could make the hurt go away. Unfortunately, I am not the right person to give marital advice.

From my vantage point, it appears that you are doing everything possible to keep your marriage together. I applaud that. I pray that your husband does as well.

[ReineD]

Don't get me wrong, we talk and joke and everything else is normal but we have NO sex life and haven't in the last 2 years.




my SO is on here- hasn't logged in for more than a year probably- it is Danielle65.

I had gone out with him to check out some gurls night out meetings from afar of course and him in drab, I hooked him up with a yahoo site which he deleted when he stopped ressing, he had a myspace that i created to meet other cd's like him also deleted. not sure what the deal is. i am lost and lonely and not sure wht to do now :(

You have been very supportive ... but I wonder, has he ever engaged in any CDing activity without your help? You have young children, so I am assuming it is difficult to dress at home on a regular basis. Did he have support groups to go out to or time alone at home to dress regularly while you got the kids out of the house? And other than the Yahoo group and the myspace page you set up for him, did he have any online support sites that he initiated on his own? For example, did he use CD.com much? Also if the Yahoo groups, as Racquel suggested, are filled with CDers seeking to meet other CDers, maybe this is why your husband deleted the account?

This may or may not apply to your situation, but my reason for asking is there is a thread in the Loved Ones Section right now started by a GG, ? For CDers Only Please (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94072), discussing the idea that for some CDers, having an overly enthusiastic partner before the CDer is ready to more fully explore this part of himself may produce an opposite reaction. It may drive him further into the closet. Another possibility is if your husband felt you might not have trusted him to engage in the development of the CDing on his own? Just a thought.

Also, if there was a great deal of encouragement on your part to bring him out of the closet, might he have misunderstood your limits and this is why he asked if you would be interested in a threesome? I misunderstood initially, thinking he might have gone outside the marriage. Although asking the question might have greatly overstepped the boundaries you've established in your marriage, it was a question and not any action on his part? From the threads I have read here, when a CDer first encounters what he perceives as unconditional support from a spouse, it sometimes happens he will initially experience a 'pink fog' where he might want to go overboard with the CDing. I'm not saying it would be OK to get involved in a threesome, but I can understand how a CDer, in the initial stages of euphoria over unconditional acceptance might mistakenly wonder if his SO would also support this. I gather this is a fantasy for many people.

Good for you for coming here seeking ways to help your marriage. I do hope you find a way to get your husband to open up to you. I wonder if he has shut down. Hopefully, talking to a marital counselor would help even if you do go alone initially, or perhaps you could show your husband this thread.
:hugs:

[Tree GG]

To answer some questions out there. The "it's pointless to talk to you " .... he hasn't mentioned cding or ... what he thinks is pointless and what exactly won't chenge- i have no flippin' clue. ... i am lost and lonely and not sure wht to do now :(

Anita, I know where you're at and how utterly bewildering and painful it is. The message sent is "you are not worthy of my time or efforts and your discomfort is inconsequential". That's a horribly painful message to receive from your spouse. I'm there with you. The last comment other than anything below "Today's Weather" significance was "Maybe I'll talk about it someday." That's been over a month ago. (SCC has been a wonderful thing - NOT!)

The question we have is how long do we wait? Will it change? Will it get better? When do we let go of the crazy notion that if we hang on long enough, they'll figure it out and it'll be all better? Does CD traumas and confusions really excuse them from giving their spouse less interest than they give the cat? I can answer that last one with an emphatic NO.

In the end they have all the cards. They have brought their troubles and woes into our relationship and let them take over and destroy. Where once was joy and companionship, all is left is confusion and sorrow. A person can only take so much before the soul starts defending itself from the pain for survivial - and love starts to die. At least the partnership does.

If he won't talk, you can't make him so all this advice about talking it out, going to a counselor, 2nd guessing his hidden motivations for behaving badly is pointless. The marriage and he are what they are and there is NOTHING you can do solo that will change either. I'm not suggesting you leave, but it's time to detach and let him swim for himself. Nothing will change unless something changes.

My heartfelt best wishes for you :hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

U need to do something now! Not listen to a lot of blather! It's NOT important whose rite or wrong in a marriage, only if it's working! Yours isn't!

Here's my advice, as a divorced man who had your problem in reverse:

Leave him immediately, if he won't attend counceling with u.
If he doesn't respond to the councelor's suggestions, leave him.
Sometimes when partners split, they miss each other and reconcile.

If nothing works, I believe your marriage is probably over!:sad:

[DonnaT]

So sorry to hear about what's been going on for the last two years.

Seems you caught your husband trying to meet other CDs when he had a business trip several years ago, and y'all had a row about it.

It's possible his fantasies are his sexual relief, if, like you believe, he's not cheating.

It's also possible that his sexual libido is tied to his crossdressing, and his crossdressing makes him think about those fantasies. If this is the case, it's possible his not crossdressing results in having no sexual urges.

It's possible that he stopped CDing in order not to have the fantasies about sex with another CDer, and that he can no longer perform sexually without those fantasies.

Fantasies can lead to a screwed up sex life. (not always)

What that boils down to is, it appears, if the foregoing is accurate, he needs to talk to therapist competent in sexology.

[Bobbie cd]

First off, you have my complete sympathy.
Everything about this seems so wrong.
It seems most unlikely to me that he just suddenly stopped CD'ing. Not that it can't happen, it just doesn't usually go that way. It seems to me more likely that he is either still doing it to some degree in secret, or he is really screwed up and wants out of the relationship for whatever reason and thought that the idea of him CD'ing would send you packing. That has very often been the case, as many on this forum could attest. I hope not, as that would be way messed up for all involved. Maybe he is just suffering from extreme depression.

Bottom line, no matter his motivation for this behavior, it is just wrong. If he won't even try to deal with it, then he will have to accept the consequences eventually when you find yourself finally pushed beyond your ability to continue down such a blighted path.

I wish you strength to deal with this, however it works out in the end.

[Anita Mae GG]

You have all been so great! Thank you for all the support!! I think my issues is a cross between all of your opinions. Yes I did catch him looking up cd clubs in PA when he was going there for a business trip 2 years ago. we had it out then and that is when I found out in detail about everything. But I was supportive for so long and did reseach, read up on cding so that i could understand it, bought books etc.........
I don't know if he is just not in love anymore and doesn't want to be the one to end it or if he is just messed up.
I did ask about counseling and he said no- ther eis nothing wrong, you are just overreacting and being paranoid. It does hurt knowing he can't be bothered talkng to me etc......next week we are going out for the night w/o the 4 kids to see the Last Comic Standing tour. maybe we can chat then a bit.....I'll keep you all posted...........
life sucks sometimes :(