You're Just Being Influenced!

[Miss Tessa]

"I think people go thru phases in their life."

"You're being influenced. You only started this after you met all these trangendered ppl."

"And if you've been hiding it you have hid it pretty well." (Which I then told her many TG people hide for DECADES from their spouse and family and join up with the service and do the most manly things they can in a wasted attempt to man up)
She did tell me one time that "You don't have to man up for me"......
Yet when we were shopping together at the mall one day early in transition I wanted some pink girl's sneakers and she was trying to talk me out of it saying it was women's shoes and I'm "crazy" and that we are better off looking in the mens so I don't look "fruity".

Those are a few things my mother said when I was starting to come out to her after I began transitioning.


It really bothered me. It's like.... How do you explain to somebody that your gender imprint is not a phase if you're transsexual? And only TV's and CD's go thru phases, and they are only phases of being in the mood to dress which lasts different time periods for different people depending on many factors such as convenience to dress and actual mood to dress up.TS people don't have that trait.Maybe in early transition we dress like our male self on occasions when we don't want to out ourselves yet, but it is not a phase like being into a kind of music or trend is for children and teenages and even very young adults.

It took so long to convince her and be really real and honest about some of my transgendered feelings I have shared with her. And I feel she is still not totally convinced. She thinks it could be like some fashion/music trend that kids go thru which is utterly ridiculous.

It's a legitimate medical diagnoses. She knows that because I told her so, but she might think I'm just doing it for some odd trendy reason I have no idea she would think.

Who WANTS to be born transgendered? Now in MY perfect world we would still exist but we would have equality and respect and employment so most of us MTF's wouldn't have to sell our bodies. I'm kinda proud to be a transgendered TS girl. I'm proud to be a girl with a ding dong and my unique qualities that makes me ME. But still, it's a looooong hard road and it doesn't end after transition. I think we're always sort of in transition because the obstacles never end, we always face the assumptions, ridicule and blatant discrimination and hate crimes even. My parents actually think people kinda "choose" to be gay also. Which is retarded. Nobody wants to be born TG or gay if they could have the gender they want and be comfortable with it and a "normal" sexuality. My mother told me that same day in the car, "I wish all these gays stayed in the closet because now kids are so confused."

It's a terrible thing to say. I called her on it too! Nobody deserves to be deprived of love and affection I told her.
And I also made the point that being gay OR transgendered is NOT CONTAGEOUS like some kind of desease.Nor does it spread like drug use and addiction spreads.


I wish I could educate my family better so they would understand as best they could so I could feel loved more.
I stand to inherit a fortune and I will get the money and everything nomatter what gender I am on the inside and out, but I want to feel loved and accepted by my family and understood.

When I was in elementary school I was diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and was hyper and distracted from school work, which is pretty normal in fact for young kids.
And also later in my teenage years I was diagnosed manic depressive and now take some mood stabilizers so I won't be too energetic or get depressed.

My mother got her hands on all the literature and took me to the best doctors and therapists and tried her best to understand and help me.

I just wish she would do this same with my TS. I think the only thing stopping her from proper education and acceptance of me for the girl I am is if she is finally convinced without doubt and actually talks to some good doctors and finds for sure that it's indeed something I can't control and is medical in nature.


I have no problem with me.I finally accept me.
I just want my family to love me as their second daughter. I look JUST like my sister when dressed only thicker and taller.
My family not understanding the uncontrollable medical nature of the gender issue trait I have is the biggest cause of pain in my life right now.
Otherwise life is pretty sweet and I'm lucky to be one of the few people who aren't crapping a brick because of the economy.

[Miss Tessa]

Are you all serious?

22 ppl have read this and nobody has commented.


It's a good post I think.


I wanna hear from yall. I mean it.=)

[Jessicaparkson]

My mother is saying the same things now. Just with a few more religious inputs. I was diagnosed with manic depression and my mother did the same as yours. When my psych told my mother I had a very high IQ and that I needed to be mentally challenged (something that wasn't happening in school) she went all out. I wish she'd do that now.

(jeez,was writing :) )

[John]

"It really bothered me. It's like.... How do you explain to somebody that your gender imprint is not a phase if you're transsexual?


you ever find out how to explain that to pairents, you'll tell me, yeah? ;)

I have a similar problem with my dad at the moment, he's quite in denial over the whole thing.

[Nicki B]

Tessa,

You've lived with the knowledge all your life. It will take her a significant time to get used to the idea (and to deal with the 'loss' of the son she bore and perhaps longed for - to many family/partners, transition feels just like bereavement)?

It's not about logic - it's about her emotions and feelings...

Give her time and space. Just keep pointing to the literature. A dripping tap can wear through stone, eventually? :)



And only TV's and CD's go thru phases, and they are only phases of being in the mood to dress which lasts different time periods for different people depending on many factors such as convenience to dress and actual mood to dress up.TS people don't have that trait.

Some certainly can appear to... It can depend on how much they're repressing themselves, for a start?

Perhaps you're wisest to stick to talking about yourself, rather than telling others what they are, or are not? :idontknow:



I have a similar problem with my dad at the moment, he's quite in denial over the whole thing.

A long time ago I was taught there are four phases to any change humans go through. It applies to bereavement, learning, all sorts of things. But the first stage is always denial and anger, that the change is happening? And the third one is when they think they've got the hang of it and start making mistakes.. ;)

[jill s]

Tell her you have decided to get married, father some kids, and then transition as it would be so much easier for everyone involved. No don't do that. Those of us who have suppressed, repressed and lied about ourselves until no good options are left support you completely. At Least I do. As for your mother, she's your mother, it has to be a great shock to her. I'm sure some part of every parent of a trans person must wonder if it's their fault, or how can I fix this. OK I've said enough stupid thing now back to painting the house.

[Miss Tessa]

Nicki check this.
I already said TS people in EARLY transition usually do supress and go thru the dressing repression and they even purge (though I didn't mention the purging).


So don't make me look like I missed something.

[Kimberley]

Tessa, one of the things I use as a comeback on the confusion thing is this. "It isnt us who are confused, it is the straight and cisgendered population who are confused."

Try it. It works for me by either shutting them down or opening up some good dialogue.

[Miss Tessa]

Kimberly, that's a great statement and I agree.


Straight people don't understand gays and cisgender people don't have first hand experience dealing with gender issues.


It would be sweet to have been born a cisgender girl! LOL

[melissaK]

Nice long post. 1/2 rant 1/2 logic. You size up and layout common hardships. I can't think of anything pithy to add - I understand the angst and frustration.

Your Mom is naturally resistant to having to re-learn how the world is. That's human nature - we hate it when someone moves our chesse. Takes us a while to move on. Maybe you could get her that book, then analogize with her that her "contented understanding of sexual roles" is the cheese, and she needs to go look somewhere else for her cheese.

Thank goodness for the internet. Kids today grow up with exposure to more ideas, and I think more kids than ever get a chance to learn free of their parents prejudices and biases and end the cycle of prejudices that are roadblocks to TS happiness.

Society isn't going to change quick, or completely, but this year we elected a bi-racial man as President, nominated a woman as VP, and a TS became mayor in some small town somewhere I believe. In my youth I would have thought all impossible.

So hang in their, press on with the family. Got my fingers crossed for you that they'll come around.

hugs,
'lissa

[Miss Tessa]

I was just venting!


Is it BAD that I ranted a little? Did I really use only half of my logic?

I thought what I said was pretty good.... I'm many steps ahead of my mother when it comes to knowing about gender and sexual issues.

It's hard to teach a prude like my mom something. She claims she's a hippy in the old days. All my mom did was smoke pot and have the hippy look. She never got in touch with the real stuff real hippies were into that expanded minds and fought prejudices.

Similar to nowdays how there are kids who dress a certain way but don't listen to the real music or know the history of the movement they are claiming to be part of.

[Kimberley]

Tessa, people are people. Please dont confuse pop culture with reality because it seems that the above is what you are doing. The 60's were not fun. They were not about flowers, smoking some weed or popping a shroom then carrying around some signs of protest before singing protest songs. There was a lot of ugliness.

People went to jail for social justice causes. People died for social justice causes. It wasnt all about hippies. Far from it. We made a lot of progress that unfortunately has been undone over the past 8 years that which hasnt is still under a lot of pressure. Your generation is not standing up for it either.

*******

Your mother is facing the loss of a child; her child. THAT is the reality and you need to understand that. That is where her resistance is. She needs to go to counselling with you so the two of you can grieve this together. If you resist she will do equally. You need to support her in that grief. It is possible for her to support you but you have to be willing to support her.

Ask your pdoc. I am sure s/he will agree with me.

:hugs:
Kimmie

[shirley1]

Its a difficult one and I will never understand why it is that people react so differently to the news that someone is cd or ts, I recently told my sister and mom that I believe myself to be transsexual, my sister seems totally accepting from day one, my mom is seemingly in total denial. Yet I know other girls who's families have been totally accepting, others that have all disowned them, others where moms and dads have been accepting but brothers and sisters have not. Its strange but with family and friends its difficult to gage what individuals reactions will be, sometimes the people you least expect to be understanding turn out to be the most accepting. I just think some people really do worry about how things will reflect on them as individuals I know my mom is like that she always has been so I knew she probably wouldn't take the news well.

To be open minded you have to be able to try and see things from other peoples points of view, some people can't seem to do this, they see life through their own little worlds, and anything that falls outside their realms of understanding, they just don't know how to deal with it.

Its hard but I guess you just have to expect to lose some people in your lives and hopefully you'll make new friends along the way, you can't live your life indefinately for others thats for sure.

Good luck

[melimelo]

As a matter of fact, it looks to me like a good portion of the population you might meet will get unconsciously "get out of their way" to not consider transgenderism as a possible explanation on how you look and present. To then take someone in particular and "force it down their throat" could be traumatic for this person.

It reminds of a concept introduced by the late Douglas Adams in one of his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: the "Somebody Else's Problem" field. When you don't want people to notice something, you just place a SEP field on the thing and people will do their best to ignore it. The best way to notice a SEP field was to look at it from the corner of an eye and blink.

It's also like try to force someone to see one of these fancy stereograms, which you have to look at with crossed eyes. If one does not know how to do it and you insist that they try again and again, they will feel cornered and frustrated. But if they finally learn how to do it, it gets easier and can even become part of the way they see the world... OK, I'm getting carried by my own analogies! :doh:

I like to think in analogies. It helps see things in a different way.

Take care, all of you! :battingeyelashes:

[Emma26]

Hm... My mom has always believed it to be a phase. She's come up with some weird explanations. Like once she said "Your cousin also went through this "phase".

I have to wonder if that was made up, but regardless, I'm not anything like him because this "phase" isn't going away... It's getting worse actually.

Her other explanations have been "The internet is ruining you." Of which I can only vaguely remember this, even though it only happened two years ago. I do not really understand this, but I guess it goes right along with "It's a "phase" or a "trend". At that point I had only told a few people online that I was transgendered and one of the forums I did so at was gone, and the other told me to keep it to myself... I hadn't talked about it on either forum for 2 or 3 years at that point... So, yeah. I have no clue.

I just wish people would stop holding us back. Right now it looks like I don't ever have any hope of transitioning.