is he cheating?

[tgirlinva]

i have a bf whom i have been dating for about 2 months. going through his computer one day (unintentionall) i found that he was looking at a lot of porn websites. i am worried that he is thinking of cheating on me, that he thinks the tgirls on them are hotter than me (i have yet to fully transition)...is it normal for a guy to look at so much porn? i feel like i'm not satisfying him sexually... i guess i am insecure...

[Holly]

Why ask us? How would we know? Ask HIM!

[suzy cool]

I was unintentionally going through my girlfriends computer one day, accidentally checking her emails and browsing history and I found some porn sites she'd visited. I have a sneaking suspicion she likes sex.:heehee:

[Deborah Jane]

Why ask us? How would we know? Ask HIM!

I,ve got to agree with Holly on this question, the only way you,ll really find out is by asking Him!!

[kim85]

I agree that the only way your going to know it to ask !!!!

IMHO isnt it better that hes looking at that than going out and getting it elsewhere. To me it can sometimes make the realtionship better esp if you watch it together

[Sandra]

Yep agree with the others, you should be asking him not us.

Kim I agree looking at porn together can sometimes make the realtionship better, it can add a bit of spice :o

[kim85]

Kim I agree looking at porn together can sometimes make the realtionship better, it can add a bit of spice :o

:blink: sandra you dark horse :devil: but it is true though but only if you both like what is been shown. Alot of guys look at it and it doesnt mean they are going to cheat its a way of living out fantaises or seeing if you like something that you could poss try out with your partner.

[tgirlinva]

Sorry if I sound bitchy or annoyed, but I didn't come on here asking question in order to receive smart ass answers. Obviously, I could ask him, but I was hoping that my "gfs" could actually give me an objective perspective, like some of you did. But the "why are you asking me? ask him" comments are rude and uncalled for. Obviously, I can ask him, but why would I want to cause undue friction or accuse him of something that he did not do. Like I said, I am insecure and that can also cause me from thinking the worse, when it actually isn't.... so please be more understanding and kind next time.

[Di]

I see it as everyone was trying to tell you to talk to your partner. I am sorry you took it as being rude.....but how can perfect strangers tell you. Do they say omg he is cheating dump him......or do they say to make you feel better ...it's ok no worrys.
If asking him and getting things out in the open would cause undue friction...thats what I would be worried about.
So my take some guys look at porn and that is something they do...no biggie
But then others are addicted to it and it supesedes the relationship.
So I am not being rude...I think you should say hey I ran into this on the puter and maybe we can share this...then go from there.( thats what I would do) Get things out in the open.:hugs:

[Plasibeau]

Chances are he's not beleive it or not he's probablyjust "looking at porn" I work in a porn shop and most guys look at porn only because the are boiling masses of testasterone. It would be nice to think that our feminine whiles could satisfy any man but it's not the case. Which would be worse? Him looking at porn or him actually cheating on you? What you should really look for are actual signs of cheating. Otherwise you have nothing to worry about. Perhaps you and he should try watching porn together, bring it into the bedroom? That way it's not a secret and it might even better your sexual relationship.

[kim85]

Im sorry if you thought that my response was rude and not understand. But as Di has said only you and your partner know what he is like i know that all my partners have looked at porn when my first BF did i was upset and kept thinking why what dont i give him!!!
The difference ive found and im sure a lot of ppl will agree with is that porn is just sex making love is different. It may sound harsh but the only way that your going to know is by asking him. It may not be an easy subject all my b/f's have tried to hide it from me untill ive spoken to them about it even my guy mates at work cant beleive that i will openly discuss it with them. To make a general sweeping statement a lot og girls dont like to watch it or make out they dont then behind close doors we do.

I hope you get is sorted and that your mind is put at ease

[Sandra]

My response was not rude and I was being understanding.

Would you have prefered it if I said "hell go dump him he's not worth it"? I couldn't and wouldn't say that becasue I don't know him, all I know is what you have said here, that he is looking at porn.

I'm sorry but if you don't want our comments then don't post.

[sandra-leigh]

is it normal for a guy to look at so much porn?

Looking at a large number of pictures doesn't necessarily indicate an "addiction" or an intent to "cheat".

When I was growing up, (soft-) porn pictures were something to savor and return to again and again, hiding the Playboy from your parents, and spending long periods fantasizing and exciting oneself over each spread. Now, they are so cheap and easy to get that they are a glut and individually most of them are pretty meaningless , "Hmmm, okay", "Hmmm, not so bad", "Hmmm, the woman in the next office over at work is much better than this babe... boy I'd like to walk in to her office and [...]". After some volume, most of the pictures become, in a sense, unreal -- though a better way of putting it is that after some volume, most of the pictures become disassociated from reality, become about as real as television (and yes, that statement is made in acknowledgment that some people do become obsessed with various actors or actresses.) You might think someone on television is "hot", and Yes, you might go so far as to say (and mean) that you would jump into bed with an actor/actress if given the chance -- but the images become remote, strangers, and unfeeling... and the more you look at them, the more lonely you can become. But you might still end up "collecting them", because they are there; or because they are nudity and you don't get to see much real nudity; or because they were once taboo to you and you used to hoard what you could and it's hard to give up hoarding.

But the pictures don't love you, and the pictures don't make you feel good about yourself. Looking a lot of pictures might not signal anything about the relationship itself: you have to know more about the emotional context the looker invests in the looking. The looking might signal a certain amount of loneliness even while in the relationship; there can be many different reasons for that, and not all of them indicate a desire to cheat. Indeed, the desire expressed might be for more closeness in the existing relationship.

There was a bunch of publicity not long ago in the papers about a new book "Why Men Cheat". The statistical results said that the great majority of the time, it isn't about the sex itself, and that the person being cheated with is often not viewed as more attractive than the existing partner -- but that often, the causes are associated with feelings of intimacy, that the second relationship provides some intimacy that the first is missing (for whatever reason.) For example, it was pointed out that since "the other woman" does not have to live with the guy from day to day, the "other woman" gets to concentrate on the positive affirming aspects of the person... not the "Why can't you just pick up your socks and put them in the laundry?!?" and so on.


So I am not going to tell you that your relationship is safe: I don't know you or your significant other or how you relate to each other. I can say that just the looking at pictures alone is insufficient to come to any conclusion on.

[tgirlinva]

My response was not rude and I was being understanding.

Would you have prefered it if I said "hell go dump him he's not worth it"? I couldn't and wouldn't say that becasue I don't know him, all I know is what you have said here, that he is looking at porn.

I'm sorry but if you don't want our comments then don't post.

I was not referring to your response specifically. And to answer your other comment, I posted to get comments, not just inconsiderate ones. There is a fine line between constructive input and inconsiderate input.

Anyways, I have gotten the answer that I was looking for...

[AmandaM]

Maybe it's like guys who check out women who walk by. He's just looking.

[Miss Tessa]

I never was into porn, but I noticed guys just look at it to look at it.

It doesn't mean they are unsatisfied. They look at it just because they can. Like the person above said, they are filled with testosterone and male identity.

I have been at parties and there is a computer in the living room at the persons house and two or three guys are on the net looking at porn, just clicking around and looking at whats on the screen, with a room full of ppl. I have seen this numerous times.

Guys look at it just because "its a guy thing to do."
I really can't explain it

But I can tell you one thing I know for sure. Him looking at porn has nothing to do with him cheating. If he's cheating, it has nothing to do with him looking at the porno.

And men cheat because they can, not because they are unsatisfied with the relationship. Women do it because they are unsatisfied with the relationship.

Would he cheat if he had the opportunity? I don't know him and his core moral value system, but I do know that most men will cheat if givin the change. I hate to burst your bubble.

That's why I have a hard time trust men and ever finding a boyfriend. I always think they will lie or be unfaithful to me.
Plus I like T girls and GG's better than males.
So that is why I stick to Tgirls mostly and GG's a close second, and last...men.

[Apple of Eris]

i wouldn't say that looking at porn is any sort of catalyst for cheating.

even when i'm with someone, i'll look at porn sometimes just because it's more stimulating than using my imagination.

for the most part, guys are insatiable. just keep that in mind. but anything that really bothers you in a relationship is something worth talking about between the both of you.

[tgirlinva]

i didnt think either, but our sex life is slim to none (we kiss when we get home and go to bed and cuddle lots) yet he watches porn on a daily basis. i am worried that a) if he isnt getting it from me, hes getting it somewhere else b) it'd be different if we were having sex and he was watching porn.... but i'm wondering if i'm not passable or sexy enough in his eyes cmpared to the girls online.... sigh

[AmandaM]

Ask yourself, what would a GG do. After talking to him, trying to work it out, etc. and it doesn't seem to be working. Don't beat yourself over the head with the low self-esteem stick. Determine what you want out of a relationship, then make it happen, or go elsewhere. It sucks, I know it. But, you have to tell yourself you deserve better.