Advice in telling the partner.

[silent]

I have taken some time away from my girlfriend this weekend but haven't explained to her why. The reason is that I have gotten to the point where I don't wish to hide from her any longer. I'm sick and tired of not being able to be all of me when she is around and I am ready for whatever may come. But at the same time I am afriad. Of what I am unsure. I am ready for the relationship to blossom or die. I think I'm afraid of her critising me. But then again, I'm not sure that is what's really troubling me.

My issue at the moment though is how to do it. How to tell her. I was thinking of showing her a powerpoint presentation while I hid in my bedroom. That way she can decide if she wants to just leave or not. I don't have to face her if its a problem for her and she doesn't have to face me. It seems much easier. Is this the wrong way or not? I don't want to bullshit her about how little I do it when I do it quite alot and the presentation kind of explains that. I know if I talk to her instead then I will try to curve it to her liking in any way I can and then I will be a liar and unhappy. Advice would be good. Especially from those that have gotten past this point in their relationships.

[Madilyn]

Wow, not my area of expertise at all. I'd say just be up front with her and let her know your true feelings. It'll be very important to see if she has your heart and soul captured. If she is truly your girlfriend, has somewhat of an open mind, and loves you for your heart and soul and not for the physical you only, then she should at least accept that you want to dress and support it. Either way, the burden is up to you to convey how you feel about dressing and then it shifts to her to determine how deep her love really is for you. Quite a test for her wouldn't you say?

I wish you all the best sweetie and I hope you'll keep us posted...Good Luck.

Kisses,

Maddy :eek:

[Bernadina]

I went through this when I was dating my wife. We were still getting to know each other and I felt that she needed to know about my crossdressing if our relationship was going to continue. I kind of went about it in a round about way. I told her we had an opportunity to go go for dinner with a bunch of people I knew. And then I told her that everyone is going as a girl. Includng the guys.

She later told me she thought it a bit strange but she agreed to go along with it. She even helped me with my makeup and dressing and took some pictures. It was my first time out as well.

Now she is totally supportive and we shop and do girl things together.

I would highly recommend that any disclosure or discussion be face to face. Email, Powerpoint Presentations etc, are going hurt, especially if your girlfriend has any real feelings for you.

Its better to find out where you stand as early as possible. Best of luck.

[silent]

Well I tried to tell her......I really tried hard but nothing came out. I just don't think she could handle it. My only other way is to do the power point presentation otherwise she will never know and I will never be happy.

[Darby]

Silent dear,
Stop being "silent" (the quiet kind!) and sit her down and tell her. Don't say you don't think she can handle it... I read into that, that your not giving her the benefit to get to know you. Your scared and your making an excuse (if I'm wrong I apologize!) but you need to be truthful to her if your relationship is to get off to a good start. If you start out lying, it only gets worse and usually implodes.
Good luck!

[Bernadina]

Why don't you try the "I wonder what your dress / coat / skirt / ring / perfume / swimsuit / nylons / slippers / etc., would look like on me" approach?

Ask to use her shampoo as you want your hair to feel nice like hers.

At least you would find out how she would respond.

It was me, I'd be devasted by my partner sending me a computerized message.

[TiffanySlave]

Well the easiest way is to tell them at the beginning. You are far along now. I made it a point to tell my gf who is my wife now that I was this way after a week. So that way they can't get on you later as they KNEW aobut it long ago. Plus you don't have to worry about the rejection and problems as much from hiding it. If you hide it and you have cloths etc. bras hiding around and she finds it she with think your cheating on her. Tell her about it and let her know you wont take her cloths :) They don't like that I know :) If she knew then you can go shopping with her and she might help you out. All women are different. And they aren't perfect either. There are things about her that you might be putting up with or living with and accepting of so she can do the same.

Tiff

[Julie]

Silent,

I have been married over 22 years. I told my wife when I knew we were getting serious while dating. I didn't want this to come back and haunt me later. Well 23 years after I told her it's a renewed problem. She is terribly insecure about it and thinks I want to be a woman dispite all these years together. So the personality needs to be considered when and how you tell her. Also I think she's siding with our 18 year old son who just found out. Kids complicate the situation if you don't tell them really early.

If you do the powerpoint presentation I would suggest starting at a point of familiarity, safe ground, if you wish. Gradually work to the subject of crossdressing and when you get there present it in as good a light as you can without including you. Then see what she thinks. She will most likely wonder why you showed her and if it pertains to you. You will have her reaction to the PP to tell you just how she might respond to you being a CD.

I think if you take the PP to the full extent of you being a CD it may be a bit much for her to handle. But who knows, she may be totally cool about it. But no matter what, tell her in exact detail and even show her your femme self BEFORE you get married.

Julie

[Rachel_740]

Hi Silent,

I know it's not quite the same for several reasons which you will see in a minute, but I would suggest that you just come out with the 'worst' to your GF.

About a month ago, I went to my first wifes house & had a make-over done by the lady who runs Sophies. The reason for that was she will not allow you to leave her house dressed, as she works from home and (very understandably) doesn't want her neighbours to know what she does because she doesn't want to fall out with them or get any bad feeling.

Anyway, while I was upstairs, she was talking to my ex about what she does and who for and when I returned downstairs my ex came staright out with it - 'are you a CDer? My immediate reply was no.

After I thought about it and my make over was complete (by which time my children were home) we went out for a walk around the city (the longest I had been out for - 2 hours). We had a coffee in the park and I told my ex that the question she asked earlier, I had given the wrong answer and the answer was actually 'yes'. I also assured her that I was not gay (not really relevant now as we are not in a relationship), and that I would not let the children know (although reading Julie's postings lately I think it may be a good idea while they are still young). She was very cool with it, even suggesting that I dress again & we have another walk round the city while the kids are at school and again tell them that I have a fancy dress party to go to when they get home from school (I actually did on the day I'm talking about).

My ex only really asked me how long I'd been dressing so I told since teemager - long before I'd met her. I did have the (great) advantage that she has an auntie who has already gone through SRS, but I was surprised at her reaction and reading between the lines she would even be happy to go shopping with me :)

Anyway, back to the point. As I say, I was pleasantly surprised at my ex's reaction, and even her tones of voice and accepting of it. She was happy that I said I was not going to let the children know (they are 9 & 7 and don't really need to go through any more greif, they are still getting to know me again after over 2 years of us not seeing each other). I certainly would not sit anyone infront of a PP slideshow and leave them to it. If you put yourself in your GF's position and were given a slideshow like that while your SO left the room, you may or may not watch it properly, but you would, without doubt, want to question why you were sat in front of such a slide show initially, and laterly, you would have numerous questions to ask, which you would want answered sooner rather than later.

By all means use PP, but make sure you are there when she watches it, but my feeling is actually come out with the bombshell, and if need be back it up with a slideshow.

Again, do it sooner (before your relationship developes too far) rather than later, when you are both more attached and it will be more of a wrench to both of you.

My thoughts, for what there worth.

[WindyCityBluz]

I was reading this post with interest and wondered what the latest was from the original poster.

As the SO of someone that told me not that long ago, I can tell you he used email and IM to communicate to me what was going on--I knew something was not quite right but couldn't figure it out.

I am almost positive he could not have told me face to face. Now we discuss it at length together and I do the makeup and hair and clothes to go out!

I know he has never told anyone prior to myself and I considered that a great honor as he has been dressing for years and is 40!

I really hope it things worked out well for you!!

[TiffanySlave]

The thing is my wife not only knew about it but helped make me including picking out my name! THen down the road she turns on me and acts like she doesnt like it. Expecially with freinds but then tells them at other times she does. I dont get her actually. SHe made me basically. I think it depends on her moods. Genetic women are like that ... HOT or COLD. one minute your the most beautiful person and they love you or your a freak and they hate you. WIth my wife there seems to be no middle..........

[Priss]

Just do it. Find a place and a time and just do it. You'll feel better, and she'll feel better. She may not like it, and may leave you etc... She does deserve to have you tell her to her face however. :eek:

It's been said, that we do not tell anyone anything about something like this, until the need to tell finally overcomes the fear of telling. It's such a true statement. Even today, 15 years after starting down the TS road, I have great anxiety over telling anybody anything about this aspect of my life. When the relationship is important enough to you however, you have to trust in them to do the right thing with the information. Be prepared for the worst however... So far, I have found that the telling never stops. There's always a new relationship.

Be aware however of just who you're telling to... You won't want everyone to know. My philosophy as a postop TS, is to tell only those who absolutely need to know. For me, that includes extremely close friends, family, and potential mates. If you're only interested in crossdressing however, you will probably want to keep it to only your mate, and crossdressing friends. I for the most part, will not tell an employer or co-worker, unless my conditions have been met. The need / fear, or extremely close friend who's trustworthy with the info... They really don't have a "need to know" anyway. Remember, once the cat is out of the bag, it's out...

Maybe more than you wanted, but hope it helps.

Priss :cool:

[silent]

Well it has been a few days since I tried to tell her but didn't cos I don't seem to be able to speak out loud about it to her. Things aren't all that good in the relationship though. She knows something is not right and is hurt that I can't seem to share with her. I've told her that I'd like to share something about myself with her but am afraid. She said I mustn't think very highly of her if I am afraid to share with her. I am actually thinking of ending it all together now. Will keep you posted and thanks for the advice. I want to tell her face to face but I really don't think I can do it.

[WindyCityBluz]

Only you can know best if this is a relationship worth saving or not.

I am sorry that it's coming down to telling her or ending the relationship as that has to be a horrible place to be.

I know one of my SO's worst fears is that I will be one of these all accepting women that will accept anything and everything and then one day will decide they can't live with it. While everyone has the right to change their mind, I think a great deal of women who do this with men, CD's or not, do this out of a sense of desperation: they will accept anything to save the relationship.

I am sad for those of you whose SO's or wives have changed their minds as this would be especially hurtful when you have trusted someone with something so important to you.

With my SO I think the fact that I am 35, been married and divorced and have a pretty healthy sense of independence helps and will only improve his trust that I am who I say I am and that's pretty much it!!

Great big hugs to you and good luck.

[Dallas]

Well before you just end the whole thing cause you can't talk to her consider this.

Telling her could cause her to end it, or you could wind up with some great support. Just breaking up precludes the possibility of that support.

She knows something is wrong but she hasn't freaked out yet; so why can't you trust her.

use those cahonaes for something else now and face her; the worst she can do is freak out and leave you (have your video ready this could be good).

you will never get others to accept you if you can't even face them.

[PaulaJeanette]

Silent:

Before she leaves, tell her! The reason she is considering ending your relationship is she may think YOU want to end it. She may also think that you have feelings for someone else.

At this point, you have more to gain that loose because both you and she are considering an end to your relationship. Follow some of the suggestions the other ladies have offered...good advice. If she accepts your crossdressing, then you're still together. If she doesn't, then you're back to being without her.

I think you can come out a winner if you tell her now.

Tell her!

Paula J.

[windycissy]

"I've told her that I'd like to share something about myself with her but am afraid"

At this point, you might as well go ahead and tell her. Based on the way you've handled it so far, she may well be assuming (1) you've got AIDS, (2) you're wanted for child support, (3) the FBI is after you, (4) you're a spy for North Korea, (5) etc. But ixnay on the power point presentation. You'd be better off asking her over for dinner, opening the door in a dress, and handing her a nice glass of wine. Ask Windy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)

[Jocee]

I don't know how old you are, but I have one regret in my life with regards to my CD'ing..... Specifically, that I didn't tell my girlfriend who would later become my wife.......

While I would have risked losing her then, it would have sure been better telling her then keeping secrets for many years, then being discovered. It caused more pain in the long run and lucky for me, she is a special person who has come around to being supportive of my alternative lifestyle choices.....

But, it was a very painful process and it took many years for her to regain the trust......

I guess you need to ask yourself.... is this a woman who will become my life partner? If so, tell her sooner than later because if you crossdress now, the odds are you will crossdress in the future..... if like many of us, as you grow older your crossdressing will become more compelling and the desire to assume a broader feminine persona will very likely increase....

I'd say have the conversation soon.... as you have opened up the topic, but left it unresolved.... so, she knows something is up and is probably worried sick.

Best of luck....

[ChristineRenee]

Well I tried to tell her......I really tried hard but nothing came out. I just don't think she could handle it. My only other way is to do the power point presentation otherwise she will never know and I will never be happy.
This is not a computer message issue Silent. You need to talk with her in person, face-to-face. I have been married 10 years and there is no way I wouldn't have told my girlfriend at the time what she would be dealing with if we shared a life together. You owe her that much regardless of whether or not she can handle it. Maybe she'll handle it better than you seem to be doing at this point in time. You say if she will never know, then you will never be happy. Hey...you don't seem happy now, and I guarantee you if you do this via a computer message, a cold and impersonal route if there ever was one, you really won't be happy because it will devastate her to get news like that in that way. She deserves better than that. Talk to her...and don't assume the worst will happen. You may find out that she will be more accepting of it that you first thought.

Nuf sed.

[Wen4cd]

Sounds like you don't want to tell her because you actually aren't sure you want to be with her in the first place.

Which is probably a good idea, if there are other reasons involved. Telling her would be pointless if you don't seriously want to be with her. I can see it now, later on you break up, and she gets vindictive, and emails pictures to all your family and such... (Not that it would happen, but it's that worst-case scenario we always immediately envision.)

But for that matter, being with her is pointless also , if you don't see it continuing.

I think you have to decide whether the relationship is one you want to be in for the long haul, and if you conclude that it is, then tell her. As it is now, it's almost as if you're using the disclosure issue as an excuse for the more important commitment issue.

If you're sure that she's the one for you, or if you find someone you're sure of, it will probably be much easier to tell her.

Wen

[Stelli]

I have taken some time away from my girlfriend this weekend but haven't explained to her why. The reason is that I have gotten to the point where I don't wish to hide from her any longer. I'm sick and tired of not being able to be all of me when she is around and I am ready for whatever may come. But at the same time I am afriad. Of what I am unsure. I am ready for the relationship to blossom or die. I think I'm afraid of her critising me. But then again, I'm not sure that is what's really troubling me.

My issue at the moment though is how to do it. How to tell her. I was thinking of showing her a powerpoint presentation while I hid in my bedroom. That way she can decide if she wants to just leave or not. I don't have to face her if its a problem for her and she doesn't have to face me. It seems much easier. Is this the wrong way or not? I don't want to bullshit her about how little I do it when I do it quite alot and the presentation kind of explains that. I know if I talk to her instead then I will try to curve it to her liking in any way I can and then I will be a liar and unhappy. Advice would be good. Especially from those that have gotten past this point in their relationships.


Do you love her?

[kylie]

Hi,

Just a thought, but rather than come out with everything straight away why not do it in stages. I have been weraing ladies g-strings for a few years now and i told my wife fairly early on that i had tried a pair of hers on and that it really excited me. She was surprised at first but now on our 'romantic' nights in together she prefers me to wear them.

Slowly, i have let out that i would like to wear more items (especially lingerie) and she is more accepting, sees it as a bit of a laugh. We also looked at a website together where variuos sexual matters are discussed. One thread was entitled something like "Does your husband wear your panties". As we read through it she saw that lots of other men AND WOMEN liked it, so again that made it easier for her to accept.

Hope this helps,

[Kimmie]

I'm new to this site-What a wonderful site it is, It has helped me to understand my husband who has recently told me about his serect.I'm still searching for more info to gain knowledge so I can respect him on all terms.Once again thanks for having this web site. :) P.S I been with him for 13 years.

[Wen4cd]

I'm new to this site-What a wonderful site it is, It has helped me to understand my husband who has recently told me about his serect.I'm still searching for more info to gain knowledge so I can respect him on all terms.Once again thanks for having this web site. :) P.S I been with him for 13 years.

Hi!

My wife and I have been together for almost thirteen years, too, but married for more like 5.

All you need to understand about crossdressers is that all of us are sick deviants with a non-existant sense of right and wrong, and we could go off in a violent, homicidal rage and kill at any given moment! We're truly ticking emotional time-bombs, waiting to explode. The only people who are really aware this are the script-writers of police/detective television drama shows and movies. Those guys have our number, and are doing their best to expose the horrible truth about us. :D :) :D

[Dallas]

Reading stuff that funny makes me pee, its hard on the upholstered furniture, so just stop.

[Kimmie]

Ok-I realize now that I kind of sounded like a girl scout or someone coming out of rehab :p (Sorry it was late 3:00am).This is what I have done for my husband. 1- Found a great pair of black go-go boots. Hated his wig so I took him shopping for a real wig. Human hair is the best! Very easy to wear I know because I have fun wearing his :D After all of that we spented the day shopping.I think my husband is a little surprised at me, but I truly think we all have little sercerts :rolleyes: I feel closer to my husband then I ever have and I'm glad he was willing to share his feelings with me. :o

[Wen4cd]

Ok-I realize now that I kind of sounded like a girl scout or someone coming out of rehab

No you were really nice to your husband! It's a shame he had to wait 13 years to tell you. But I'll bet is added a nice bit of spice to the marriage!

[diane]

I did the same thing when I first got together with my wife. She said tell her so I did ... and it's been bliss ever since. You might have a lot to lose but you've got a ton to gain if it goes your way