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Natasha Anne
06-05-2005, 01:24 PM
This is my first post of any substance in this discussion area on the forum.

Well the good news is I'm taking another major step in my journey. I'm a supposed CD, but have decided, finally, to go see a therapist, because I've realised I'm just hiding. My whole life I've known and happenings list week served to make me realise just how I'm destroying myself by not coming to terms with my true self.

I'm also reading an absolutely fabulous book called "She's not there", and the parallels between the authors life and mine are amazing. It's the first of many books I've read on the subject that have had me in tears, rather than just been interesting.

As I wear more and more clothing to work, face more and more depression everyday because I hate the body I'm in and who others expect me to be, and reject my masculinity more and more I've finally come to accept what I am. I'm now at a point where I must progress despite any consequences I face. I got my ears pierced a week ago, and last week Friday I ended up in tears at my desk because I just couldn't cope with being male anymore.

I've been seriously considering self-medicating, and even tried the herbal routes many times, at great expense with no evidence of my body changing, but I've finally decided to go the proper route. That way a therapist can help me through the process when times are tough with the family or any other issues I face, and I can be monitored medically to ensure I stay healthy through it all.

I have a long road ahead. I have a wife and two children, and my wife lives in absolute fear of the day I tell her I want to become a woman. I really hope she doesn't dissappear with my children, like in the horror stories I've read from others. I suspect she will and it's just the worst thing I can imagine. I wish these trade-offs didn't need to happen.:cry:

Anyway, wish me luck on my journey. I've taken major steps this year, and cannot wait for the day my manager sends out an email welcoming the new girl to the team (common practice for TS' at my company, and so heart warming to read)

Stlalice
06-05-2005, 02:18 PM
There comes a time when we all have to face our demons and come to terms with who we really are. Congrats girl on having the courage to face yours. All journeys start with but a single step and you have made the most important and largest one. Getting into therapy is crucial to your being able to get through transistion. As you look for a therapist make sure they are someone who specializes in dealing with gender issues - you don't want to pay for "on the job training" for somebody who isn't. If you have not done so check the web site for the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org - they may well be able to point you at resources in your area - maybe even a therapist. If you contact them you will be dealing with transwomen/men who have "been there and done that" who will give you straight answers and good advice. If you just need to talk I'm here - feel free to PM me. (((Huggs girl ))) and good luck !!!

Peace, :) :)

Natasha Anne
06-05-2005, 02:51 PM
There comes a time when we all have to face our demons and come to terms with who we really are. Congrats girl on having the courage to face yours. All journeys start with but a single step and you have made the most important and largest one. Getting into therapy is crucial to your being able to get through transistion. As you look for a therapist make sure they are someone who specializes in dealing with gender issues - you don't want to pay for "on the job training" for somebody who isn't. If you have not done so check the web site for the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org (http://www.ifge.org/) - they may well be able to point you at resources in your area - maybe even a therapist. If you contact them you will be dealing with transwomen/men who have "been there and done that" who will give you straight answers and good advice. If you just need to talk I'm here - feel free to PM me. (((Huggs girl ))) and good luck !!!

Peace, :) :)

I'll do that

Also, I met the most amazing TS two weeks ago. I knew her before her transition 8 years ago, and met her for the first time two weeks ago again! She is so at peace with herself I asked her to recommend me to her therapist, which she has done.

Julie
06-06-2005, 04:13 PM
Natasha,

I entered into therapy in July of 2004. I did it at the request of my then wife who thought I could be cured of wanting to crossdress. I did it to keep peace in the family knowing full well being 'cured' was not going to happen.

A series of events led me to believe that transitioning was the magic bullet that would end once and for all this inner turmoil. My wife and I both read the book "True Selves" by Mildred Brown. After reading it my wife was convinced I was TS and encouraged me to do it even saying she would be at my side through all the surgeries. It all seemed so wonderful at the time.

Well, reality set in and the realizations of transitioning hit me like a Mack truck. I found out how much I would lose, how much my life would change, how relationships would change and how much time and money would be spent on the hope this was the right move for me. It was too much.

Today I am happy to say I am not transitioning and am off HRT. The price was just to steep. So before you do anything that can't be undone (like telling your loved ones), give careful consideration to all that will change. I was told "You have to be ready to give up everything" and I found that to be true.

I wish you all the best.

Natasha Anne
06-07-2005, 03:05 AM
Natasha,



Today I am happy to say I am not transitioning and am off HRT. The price was just to steep. So before you do anything that can't be undone (like telling your loved ones), give careful consideration to all that will change. I was told "You have to be ready to give up everything" and I found that to be true.




This is a great piece of advice. I've been struggling to decide when to say anything to my loved ones. I did figure that I'd see the therapist first, but it's nice to see someone confirm it.

Stlalice
06-07-2005, 08:42 AM
That is why getting a good therapist is vital - not only will a good one help you sort out your feelings, they will also be of immense help in figuring out the how and when of coming out to family, etc. A good gender issues specialist has likely dealt with this many times and will be able to help you through it one step at a time. As my own therapist has said about coming out "the best surprise, is NO surprise" when dealing with things like this. Hang in there kid ! :)

Rachel_740
06-07-2005, 12:39 PM
Anyway, wish me luck on my journey. I've taken major steps this year, and cannot wait for the day my manager sends out an email welcoming the new girl to the team (common practice for TS' at my company, and so heart warming to read)


Natasha,

It's obviously not one that you have taken lightly, especially with the possibility of loosing your children. I had already split from my ex and children when I made the decision (and I'd married and divorced a second time :eek: ), but my kids and their mum have all accepted me for who I am and seem quite comfortable with me (although I'm not always sure that the kids are as comfortable as they make out).

Do I get the impression from your last line that there are a number of TS girls in your company - if so, I think you'll have loads of support.

Anyway, if your transition is as (relatively) easy as mine has been you'll have absolutely no problems at all. All my family accepted me, except one cousin who more recently seemed to start coming round to accept me and then she passed away - I was absolutely devastated, we had always been really close and as I say, she seemed to be coming round with me.

All the best to you Natasha

Anne

MarieTS
06-08-2005, 12:45 AM
Natasha: You are a very brave and attractive girl travelling down the lonely road all of us TG's invariably traverse. Be sure to ponder the astute advice offered by your sisters in this forum. You are so very fortunate to have some genuine TS' at your work place to assist you through the transition. They will be of immense value to you. But in the end, the life altering decisions are yours to make-- and yours alone.
Good luck! I, too, feel your pain. :cry:

GypsyKaren
06-08-2005, 08:35 PM
I've been in therapy now for 8 years, and I gotta say it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.Shoulda done it years earlier,but like you I fought my demons instead of facing them.I now accept who I am and am comfortable with it.It is important that you find someone to talk to that you are comfortable with,keep looking till you do.You've already taken the hardest steps,and I can tell you that although it's a difficult road you're on,it does get better.Just take it one day at a time,and keep on loving yourself.
GypsyKaren

Natasha Anne
07-09-2005, 01:36 PM
Just a little update.

I told my wife last week, and we went to my psychaitrist together this week. It's tough on her, but she's trying incredibly hard to support me, despite my discussing with her in all sincerety that there is nothing wrong with her, that she does need to feel she must do anything for me, and I'll support her regardless of the changes she feels are necessary in her life. She even bought me little PostIt's yesterday preprinted with the words "from the desk of Natasha". The psychiatrist told her she is extremely rare in our community and that most of the couples he's seen in the last 20 years break-up and not very nicely. He was very good to her and would like to see me alone, as well as with her, and also see her alone if she wishes. It's good to be seeing someone with so much experience. I was living with severe depression, and did not know it until I saw him. He expresses more concern about my depression, than me being a TS, because he can see I know and am comfortable with the TS part and that I need help addressing the forthcoming major changes that will occur in my private and work lives. After telling my wife, despite anything bad she might do, I already feel a million times better. She is the one I worried the most about telling, and now it's done. The children are next, but we're going to work with the psychiatrist to ensure we communicate the message correctly. They are still young so we're hopeful things will work out.

I also went to my company's annual awards dinner last night (more than 400 people present) in a stunning ballgown last night

I'm seeing an endocrinologist on 23/7.

Sharon
07-09-2005, 02:36 PM
I know these things you're dealing with are trying, to say the least, Natasha, but I commend both you and your wife for your obvious devotion to one another.
You have my best wishes, and I hope you keep us updated through the various stages of your progress.

Love,
Sharon

Stlalice
07-09-2005, 04:54 PM
Natasha,

Your news about your wifes initial reaction to your coming out is very heartening indeed. I've known a number of MTF transwomen that I've met over the years and those who have the continued love and support from their wives are blessed indeed. The best news though is her willingnes to go to therapy WITH you as well as on her own. You are both going to need all the help and support that you can get as you continue on your journey. Your therapist will be able to help you both through the problems and issues that you will both face. In short - she is going to need your love and support as much as you need hers. Hang in there. :D

Natasha Anne
07-14-2005, 12:40 PM
I went to my company annual awards dinner last Friday as Natasha.

One week to go to the endocrinologist appointment. I hope it goes well.

Pics below: