Told my Mom

[Gunda]

Hi,
I've been a member of this forum for a few years now and, aside from here, have only disclosed my cross-dressing to my best friend. Tonight I told my Mom. Probably shouldn't have done it but it's out now. She visited me at school last week and saw a make-up bag in my apartment. The one piece of feminine stuff I forgot to hide before her visit. She asked about it yesterday and I told her the reason for it today. I'll be telling no-one else ever perhaps with the exception of my future wife after I marry and perhaps not even her.

Mom's reaction was shock, sadness, and a the all-too-typical concern for my heterosexuality. I told her there was nothing to be concerned about and that these activities in no way make me any different than I always was - sexually or otherwise. She's bewildered and afraid for me and I find myself wishing I hadn't let the cat of the bag, so to speak, but since she was asking about the item in my apartment and I was tired of keeping it from her for so long that I blabbed. Perhaps not the best strategic thinking on my part but keeping secrets from those closest to me doesn't become me. In a strange way, come what may as a result of my disclosure, I am relieved to have spoken the truth to her.

Best,
Gunda

[SherylynJade]

I keep debating with myself if I should tell my mother about me. She's not the one who raised me (mom and dad divorced when I was around 2 in 1982, and was raised by dad and grandparents) and haven't seen her in person since Johnny Carson was still on TV. I know that because he was on TV at the time of night she stopped by.
I'd like for her to know, but then again, I don't. I'm also afraid that she would tell my dad and grandpa, which would be a nightmare for me.
I hope your mom comes around and if not accepting what you do, at least accept who you are.

[KellyCD]

My mother knows, well she at least knows that I've worn a bra before.

I would hope she would remember that night she caught me in a bra and proceeded to beat the living crap out of me with anything she could get her hands on....

Will I ever tell her about the whole me? Only if it sends her to her deathbed. I havn't spoken to her in years and I don't plan on speaking to her anytime soon.

[avril findlay]

I'm sorry your Mum isn't accepting of your CDing. My Mum was totally supportive of me. I don't think she really ever understood why her only son preferred dressing as a girl (I don't myself) but she accepted that that was the way I was.

[Pernille Tiratzo]

Reading this makes me kind a sad. When the closest people to us do not respect who we are, that is a sad thing. My mom did not respect me at all. She called me a "pervert" and we never spoke about it again. But she would at all times there where men in womens clothes on TV or in the media say out loud: "thats sick" "discusting" etc and then look at me..
Now when I am a grown up and my mom is gone I feel like I should stand up to her and said: "It`s NONE of your business what I wear when I am alone!" And thats also what I think you shold feel, Gunda! Telling people is hard, I know. But remember that you do not do anything wrong! You are simply just beeing you. There are lots of things you could have done thats worse!
Afer all this is only affecting you. If you learn to love yourself, its easyer for the people around you to do also.
Do not get me wrong, things are not easy regardig this, and I have had my hard times to. But you did the rigth thing! You followed your conscience and thats a good thing!

[RachelDenise]

It is an unhappy time when those that you wish would accept you for who you are don't do so. I feel very bad for you Gunda. Who knows whether it is the right thing to tell someone though I believe full disclosure in a relationship is important. We wouldn't be having this conversation if you mother accepted you and thought it was OK. At least for your own benefit, you've made an important step forward.

[PortiaHoney]

Hi Gunda

Just give her a bit of time to digest what she has just found out. It's a pretty big disappointment/surprise for mums to find their sons want to be "part time girls" or worse (to them) daughters (reflection on a lifetime of expectations based on gender at birth - not daughters in general). A lot of their opinions about transgenderism are based on what we would consider a dark history. That was their time but it doesn't have to be ours. Like Barbie's experience with her mother - not all come around. Whether this is due to ignorance or predjudice depends on them.

Fears about your hetero status is just her concern for gandkids and continuing the family. Not to mention that you may be beaten up and picked on and discriminated against and unemployable. Not totally out of the dark ages yet but on the whole things are improving.

That feeling of letting the cat out of the bag is another thing we have to live with - you cannot go back to a state of ignorant bliss. We can regret what we've done, but sooner or later that cats gonna get out.

Just remember to be who you are. If your mom loves you and can see that what you do makes you really happy, she will come around. Don't hide it, but don't throw it in her face either - just be you. Answer her questions as honestly as you can.

The thing I hate is the look of disappointment in my mums eyes when she picks up on my quirks. She changes when she realises my life is more settled since my own acceptance, but there is still that initial realisation. We do talk about it but I haven't openly dressed in front of her and have no intention to. It is just easier not to hide it. Should I decide to make bigger changes in my life, she will be happy for me as long as I am happy and content and that makes me very lucky indeed.

And on hiding it from any future partner - not good unless you want to slowly go crazy and hurt her with your deception. Honesty is always the best policy in relationships. They can be enhanced or destroyed by it but in the end everybody will be healthier for it. Choose deception and everybody will be poisoned by it. We just have to be honest and hope things will be ok.

Good luck in your journey :hugs:
Portia

[Gunda]

Hi All,
Thanks for your replies. Mom's calmed down a little but as many of you said so eloquently there is no way we can go back now that she knows.

She is not angry at me but just perplexed and fearful that others might know and compromise me in my life. "All I want you to be is happy" she's told several times since last night. She's also afraid that if others know about me they may think her and my Dad to have been bad parents. The implication there is that others may think that since my parents produced a weirdo that they themselves will be distrusted. She said she knows that what I am doing is "probably no more weird than what alot of people do" but she did remind me that main-stream society still doesn't look kindly on cross-dressing and that people will make uncharitable judgements of me if they know of what I do, even if those judgements are unfair or untrue.

She did look at me and ask at one point yesterday, "Are you my same little boy?" It was very sad but of course I told her that I was the very same I've always been. I would say the biggest emotion she's feeling is confusion and anxiety for me. I am her only child and she wants all the normal things for me: career, a happy marriage, house, children, inner happiness and fullfillment. I told her that I wanted these things for myself too but that my dressing is just another part of me that I didn't want to keep from her any longer.

Best,
Gunda

[Sophie]

It's almost like you're 10 years behind me!

When my parents found out it was very similar to your situation. Mum spent several days crying, worrying that it would make me unhappy and lonely in the long run. We had the homo/hetero conversation.

10 - 12 years on i'm happily married to a girl who knows (since the begining), respects, and gets involved with my CD'ing. plus we have our first child on the way. Mum couldn't be happier for me!!!

things work out, the future is the product of the opportunities you make and take.

Hope things work out well for you.

Sophie

[vivianann]

Thanks for the story and the update, at least your mother still loves you and wants the best for you. Dont keep this from your future wife, not a good idea. You need to be totally honest with the woman you fall in love with.

[Jenna1561]

Dear Gunda,

I certainly hope things work ot well between you and youur mother. Give her time to come to grips with the information you've just given her. It's a huge revelation and not one many parents would even think of prior to discovering.

As for NOT telling a future wife, I completely agree with Portia - BAD Idea. From experience I advise you not to start a marriage on deceit. CD/TG/TS is much more understood than in the past and young people such as you and your contemporaries have most likely heard about it and even known of some in their communities. Don't begin a relationship founded on a lie. The deceit may hurt far more than the CDing. And if a future spouse is deterred by your CDing, better to learn early, rather than later.

Think long and hard before deceiving the one you love and wish to spend the rest of your life with.

Good Luck and Best Wishes,


Jenna

[Carly D.]

This is the reason I won't tell anyone I know about my dressing up thing.. when I think of telling the feeling I get is that once it is out there, there is no going back.. and even when I'm sure that I could tell, there's that voice in the back of my mind that says "for shame".. mom did find a skirt on a chair next to the computer one day and she looked at them and asked what these were and I said I didn't know.. I should have said they were mine but I seem to fight being outed tooth and nail...

[Sally2005]

You should give her some FAQs on CDers. Tell her it is just an activity you do and it doesn't change who you are. Tell her it has nothing to do with her being a parent except that your upbringing has allowed you to deal with it in a positive way and many people now days are fine with it.

[Louise C]

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, i feel very lucky that mine was so supportive.

You shouldn't be too afraid to tell other people if you feel that you want to. I've found that you can gauge their reaction pretty good if you know them well enough.

Don't let one bad experience ruin it for you. You were right to tell her the truth, she'll probably come 'round, it's early days yet.

Good Luck

[Sheila]

Grunda, am pleased to read you rmum came round and as you say, anxiety and worry for ,will have been here main concern, and yes I know where your mum is coming from in that the actions of our kids (no matter how old they are), do in societies eyes reflect on some way on how we are seen as parents ( wrong but there you go we know how society views a lot of things)

Please reconsider not telling your future wife, as a GG I know how much pain is caused (to both), when your partner discovers, it is painful, distressing and really not a nice place to be in and she more than likely will, and in the process to total discovery, she will have found several clues and have worried herself silly), lies detroy in the long run far, far more than they protect but just my:2c:

Give your mom a big :hugs:

[Kelsy]

Gunda

You have been honest with yourself. Honesty has paid well with your mom. Honesty is the best aproach to your future wife

:hugs:Kelsy

[mklinden2010]

I'm a big proponent of "need to know" and I think you did the right thing at the right time.

There is no perfect time to bring some things up, but you have to trust that it's better to get them on the table than to keep them under the rug.

And, yes, good for you. You are the same person today as you were last week, only better.

It will all work out for the best.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sally had it right, give her information, Heck even invite her to this forum. the wealth of information here, is better then she will get anywhere else.

[Nikki A.]

Give your mom some time, once she fully digests it I'm sure that things will work out. As long as you are happy I'm sure she'll be happy for you too. Keep the lines of communication open and be honest.

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

I have always wondered how my mom would react to Sasha Anne. I think there would be at least a 50/50 chance that she would like it. I am pretty sure my mom wanted me to be a girl. But alas she had been gone for many, many years.

[mklinden2010]

I'm reminded that mom's don't just want you to be happy, they want you to be safe.

It seems that guiding moms to this site would probably likely be a good thing just to assure them that a large number of people are into this and there are ways to be informed and safe.

If you thought your kid was the only one bungie-jumping, wouldn't your take on things be to more afraid than not?

So, yeah, let her know that their are entire teams and leagues of people involved and working on this so she's not worried about her son/daughter being cut off from the herd and made fun of/hurt....

Safety in numbers... That's a big deal - and a good selling point.

[susancheerleader]

One of my sisters came to my house unexpectedly and caught me at home, alone, wearing a skirt. She didn't say anything badly about it. Just asked why I was wearing it. She went ton to say, she doesn't care if a guy wears women's clothes. But as I was still very embarrassed I changed into sweats at the first chance I could. Nothing was said about it after, until a year later. As a joke, one of my co-workers got me to wear a skirt and have my picture taken for an advertisement. No one thought much of it and thought it was done in fun. (Little did they know I loved that!) But my sister called me up after seeing it in the paper, and was like "What the f**cK?" So who knows where she stands for sure on this topic.
When I was younger and living at home my mother was always catching me with my sisters swimsuit or leotards on. She would scold me, make me feel ashamed and make me take it off. But I would get it back and do this over and over until one day I just felt this wasn't worth the humiliation I felt all the time from her.
I didn't wear or do anything with women's clothing again, for several years. Until about 3 years ago, I tried on a skirt and the rush was overwhelming me. Now I have lots of skirts, pants, leotards and of course a cheer uniform to boot.
If my mother ever found out about this, I suspect she would feel hurt and again, still make me feel humiliated and embarrassed like she did when I was younger.
I know she would worry I was gay, which I am far from being. But she wouldn't understand.
I do think that my sisters would be accepting. They probably have some idea after seeing me in a skirt in the paper, and one sister seeing me at home. But I made excuses in both cases and never came clean. But if I ever talked to them and told them exactly about my dressing, rather then the bits and pieces they already picked up on, I think they would be alright with it. My mom, NO WAY!