My wife wants to talk about my crossdressing

[LindaMarie]

My wife is not accepting of my crossdressing. She's tried to be understanding but has made it clear that she doesn't like it. She's also referred to it as "creepy."

I haven't always been honest about my crossdressing. I've gone out dressed without her knowing. I've also dressed at home when she's been out. She's found out about a couple of these things.

She said she views my crossdressing as a major threat to our marriage. I know my dishonesty has hurt our relationship but I also feel it's difficult to be totally honest with her because she is so negative about my dressing.

She's mentioned a few times that we need to talk more about the "issue" but it seems that whenever we try to have a conversation about it, it turns into a fight. I'm reluctant to talk about crossdressing with her because things always seem to end the same way: we're both angry and nothing gets accomplished. I also feel like she'll only be satisfied if I say how horrible crossdressing is.

I think it's kind of a lost cause. We're so set in our positions that our conversations aren't really discussions - they're arguments where we each try to defend our own position.

The only hope I see if for some kind of referee or counselor. However, I just lost my job so money is tight. Truth be told, I really don't want to have this talk. I just feel it's a way for her to vent her anger about the whole situation and I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend myself. If I felt there was some possibility that she really wanted to communicate, maybe there would be hope but I don't want to get into another argument just to have her tell me how awful I am.

She's known about my crossdressing for 20 years. As I said, I've lied about certain things and that's only made things worse so I'm to blame for some of our troubles. I just don't see us changing our minds much. I feel like I've cut back so much on dressing for her and she feels like she's very understanding because she wants to talk about it and has offered some very minor concessions.

Is it worth talking? Any thoughts?

[Miss.Ing Pieces]

I've made this confession twice so far and i did alot of listening. When I brought up the subject of my dressing i laid it out as simple as i could then i got her to ask questions voice concerns and i did my best to reassure her of her concerns and i tried to answer all the questions as tactfully as i could..

if she's argumentative, try to maintain poise, stay calm and keep reassuring the relationship. try to find that equal ground, acceptance? out of sight, out of mind? some kind of compremise?

just my :2c:

it worked for me, but most of it comes down to her.

Goodluck!

[DanaR]

In the early 1990's I joined a group in Seattle. Several months later they had their annual Christmas party, I asked around trying to figure out what to expect, and then asked my wife if she would like to go. What I had found out was that a lot of the wives attended, this might be the only event or thing that they would participant in during the year. After several weeks, she said that she would go with me.

A couple of days after the party, my wife came up to me and gave me a big hug; and then told me how much better she felt about the crossdressing issue after going to the party. She had fun and met a lot of very nice people.

[PortiaHoney]

Our CD'ing is such an easy target when our SO's are looking for a weapon or for reasoning behind events that are not totally clear. Especially if they fear/misunderstand/feel threatened by what we do. It could be as simple as she just needs to know more about what you do and the fact there are many of us around the world.

A councellor is a good option. A good one will be able to referee the discussions without bias and take a nuetral viewpoint. It's only natural that neither of your are able to be nuetral on your own, you both have your own agenda's and will try to convince the other of your vewpoint without being able to see what may be a simple solution. This is arguing and not discussion.

You say she has known about your CD'ing for 20 years. That's a long time to keep under wraps that she is not happy and disapproves of what you do. To me she is fearful of what the future holds. Did you lose your job because you CD or other reason? Does she feel you are "not being totally honest" about why you lost your job? Does she want to "talk" about your crossdressing or does she want to "talk" you out of it?

Unfortunately in times of stress, our desires to CD become stronger and that takes the support role she may play away from her. It could be she is wanting your relationship to strengthen by coming closer together and she feels cheated by your retreating to "dress". It is also highly likely that she fears she is going to "lose" you to your desire to present as female, even if that is not how far you want to go. The fact you have lied to her does not engender trust. All this may result in a form of aggravation that she defends herself by pushing you away regardless. Better to be in control of the loss than to lose.

This is a really bad situation to be in but one many of us have had to face. There are plenty of threads on how others have dealt with this type of situation. BUT, every situation is unique. They may be similar, but they are never the SAME. If you are religious, you could seek councelling from your pastor/priest. They usually are open minded and mostly free, just remember you get what you pay for and they may not be nuetral in this subject.

You two really need to talk, but really talk and not just try to score points off each other. Communication is as much about listening as talking. If there is no listening, then it is all pointless. Open communication is really, really hard and you need to set down rules before you open up to each other. There should be no agenda or expectations of where the discussion will lead - just let it take it's course. It should consist of listening to each others viewpoint and reaching a compromise. If you are destined to split, you will realise this from the discussion rather than just going into it expecting that as an outcome.

I hope it all goes well for you both. :hugs:
Portia

PS - Do you have it clear in your own head what it is you are seeking approval for? Are you part-time CD/TV? Do you want to go further? She can't possibly give you approval if you keep changing the rules. Unfortunately, we turn it into a game - if she approves of this, then what about doing that and so on. We just keep moving the boundaries to suit ourselves. That's why I am single again - I didn't know where my baseline is - I still don't, even though I have no one to answer to any more. It seems to be the nature of the beast.

[LindaMarie]

I just wanted to say thanks to those who responded to my original post and to those who sent me private messages.

I don't think my wife will ever be happy about my crossdressing unless I stop completely and my experience (and that of many of the others here and on other sites) says that's not going to happen.

I think it bothers her that there's a part of my life that she's not involved in but she doesn't want to be involved in it. I really feel like I'm in a no win position. I feel like I've given in on a lot of points but it's never enough.

We have three children. If we didn't have children and had enough money, I don't know if we'd stay together. I'm tired of having to apologize for who I am. In fact, I don't apologize any more which I think bothers my wife that much more. I notice I'm a lot more relaxed when she's not around.

At this point, it seems like our discussions about crossdressing are more about winning points than about understanding each other. So our discussions seem pointless and when she says she wants to talk, I feel like it's just to berate me for wanting to crossdress and make incredibly stringent rules so she's in charge. I'm tired of making all the compromises.

[Karren H]

Awww.... I hate it when my wife wants to talk and our wives must be relates, Linda... I know exactually how you feel... I'm lucky that she doesn't want to talk about crossdressing much any more.. which is fine by me... How your chat goes smoothely...

[Glenda]

You poor girl. It sounds like you already know what's going to happen. Wouldn't it be nice if this time was different? Wouldn't it be nice if she could gain an understanding of the feelings inside which create your desire to dress? To be honest, I'm not sure that this is the best time to talk, but on the other hand, if she is willing to talk there may never be a better time. I know for me personally, I find great solace in being feminine in times of crisis. It sort of takes the edge off and helps me focus on solutions instead of problems.

You've had these feelings for a long time. They aren't going to go away and I really don't think you want her to go away either. You suggested a referee or counselor........how about a mutual friend that you both trust and respect and who respects each of you? Or maybe another couple that you are close to? I don't know whether you are out to anyone or not, but there are often friends who understand us in ways that we sometimes can't imagine. Whatever happens, I hope you both concentrate as much on the good parts and benefits of your marriage as the perceived negatives. She probably doesn't realize that you are the same person she married. You're just accepting and validating a part of you that probably is responsibe for many of the things she found attractive in you.

[MarcieM]

She's known about my crossdressing for 20 years. As I said, I've lied about certain things and that's only made things worse so I'm to blame for some of our troubles. I just don't see us changing our minds much. I feel like I've cut back so much on dressing for her and she feels like she's very understanding because she wants to talk about it and has offered some very minor concessions.Is it worth talking? Any thoughts?

If I were you, I'd take the minor concessions and feel damn lucky she's not filing for divorce. Didn't you just get fired for logging onto CD websites?

[curse within]

Yes it very much worth talking about..First thing I would do is listen to her ..Don't be defensive!! Answer her questions!! Be honest in your replies!!

Put yourself in her shoes she is the one who needs to learn and accept what you do.. Please don't argue with her over it ..Talk in a calm relaxing voice ..Let her know why you do it because of the "over welming uncontrolable urges" The nagging tic how it makes you feel to give in and the load it takes away from your shoulders until the next bout..

If you love her and if she loves you work on it together ..It can be done it just needs understanding on both halves ..

Good luck stay strong it will work out she would not be wanting to talk about it if she was finished with you ...She would just leave ..You have something to work with don't let it slip away..

[JenniferR771]

Very similar to my situation. Except my wife refuses to talk about it. She prefers to ignore it--out of sight--out of mind. Has threatened to throw out a few of my dresses which I keep in the back corner of my closet. (Never did it.) Counselors were too conservative around here--most knew nothing about transgender, some wanted to cure me.

My advice: have written info handy. Have facts in mind when she asks the usual 5 main questions. Empahsize it was caused by hormones in your mother's womb. (Even though the evidence for that is skimpy.) Agree to keep it out of sight. Don't push--let her adjust to the idea, in her own time.

[Joy Carter]

At least she wants to talk Linda. Mine flatly refuses to, but will throw it up to me when she's mad.

[suchacutie]

Since there will never be any closure to the issues (barring separation) without conversation, conversation is a must. However, it is essential that you maintain a calm, even in the face of outrageous behavior. With calm you have control, without calm you are out of control.

My best wishes and fond hopes that sane conversation conquers all!

tina

[noeleena]

hi... some good points here have been put foreward .......can you sit down & write a letter explaning why you are like this. put down 10 points of referenc going through all the details. let your s o read it . then get her to write her concerns dont talk about this subject just write it all down .......points that come up are.. lose of her man the real male ..she will be threatened . as to another women is coming in to take her place ..think as we do as women ...concider how she feels ..where that puts her.. her identidy ..is there some thing wrong with me your s o that is ..you are a male she is not you & her think differently . so get on her side first then ... & only then can you talk to your s o .....accept what she has to say ... then go from there ....... ...noeleena...

[GG Pearls]

I had a lot of conflicts with my sweetie's cd'g and tg issues until I finally decided to take a chance and look at this website. A lot has changed.

If you can get her to look for just 30 minutes, I think it will help.

I know it helped our situation tremendously.

Love and hugs,
GG pearls

[vikki2020]

Sorry to hear that you are still having problems,LindaMarie.I think that talking is a good way to get past the problem, but it has to be a productive conversation. Otherwise,it's going to cause more problems.For us, we don't talk about it at all.Like others--out of site,and out of mind.This is how she chooses to deal with it right now,and I have to say it's working rather well for both of us.Hope that you can find a happy medium in there somewhere.Good luck.

[Sandra Dunn]

Hi SIS
WOW, you've got a load. You're at a point where you really need to blossom and you're in a tight spot. You're the only one that can answer your question. Is being you worth changing your life situation.

I'm divorced from my first wife and the hardest thing was leaving the kids with her, they were about 6 and 10 at the time and she was certifiable. I had no place for them and if I removed her she'd been a very large problem, her parents lived across the street.

I'm married, my Daughter was my maid of honor at my wedding. My son doesn't live here and when he comes to visit I keep a low profile, we visit with me in butch mode. If your kids sare grown and gone it should be a little easier to decide and if they're nearly grown they're not around much anyways with school and all.

Then there is the junk to divide up, I know it 's all great stuff until someone breaks it.
If she'll go to a therapist or group is the real question. My first still goes. We went and she didn't like what the therapist told her.

It's still up to you, HUGS Sandra

[LindaMarie]

Thanks again for all your support and good advice. I was feeling very frustrated when I posted my last response and that frustration came through.

It is a good sign that she still wants to talk. We should both try to understand each other's point of view and if that means that I keep quiet and really try to understand her first before I expect her to understand me, then I guess that's ok.

I like the idea of writing a letter. It seems kind of indirect but it may be a good way for us to express our feelings thoughtfully and also let the other person express themselves without interruption. Even if we don't try letter writing, we need to use the principles behind letter writing (thoughtfulness, letting the other person finish and really listening to them before advancing our own points and questions).

Thanks again for your support and advice.

[DanaR]

My wife and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend a number of years ago. One of the main things that I learned was that feelings are neither right nor wrong; but they are your feelings. One of the things many of us don't respect or understand, is the others feelings.

If you could I would suggest that you find a knowledgeable counselor, on transgender issues that would have both of your interests in mind. I've seen councilors that seem to favor the transgender member, that isn't going to work for your wife. Another suggestion would be Marriage Encounter, you’ll learn some good communication skills.

A question that you are going to have to answer for yourself, is how far do you want your crossdressing to go? This can be a scary journey for a wife.

[Lana_CD]

Most of the negative situations that have ben expressed here mirror my own situation. She just does not understand what we are going thru in trying to balance this part of us with the rest of us that she wil accept, ie, the man she married.
I have asked her to come on here and try to learn the why's of why we are like we are but she staunchly refuses to have any part of it saying al these other women are brainwashed into thinking the way they do.
She rcently had some problems at work and sought out a counselor to try toget some understanding as to why she was having problems but when the counselor told her to be more tolerant of others ideas and oinions, she never went back saying the counselor told her she was wrong in her actions and that she should change her wy of thinking. She could not accept this.

[Jess_cd32]

Thanks again for all your support and good advice. I was feeling very frustrated when I posted my last response and that frustration came through................

........It is a good sign that she still wants to talk....

Yes it is very frustrating, to most all of us re our SO's.
Did you start dressing like alot of us as a preteen? I'd find some well written articles on cd's and how early it starts for some that may explain to her that its not a choice thing for us, or a perversion, like so many SO's may view it at first.

The more your SO learns about cd's the better off you both will be, that's still no gaurantee though that she'll be accepting of it. With knowledge of cd's can come acceptance more easily however I feel, just my .02

[Sheila]

If I were you, I'd take the minor concessions and feel damn lucky she's not filing for divorce. Didn't you just get fired for logging onto CD websites?

:yt: and yes she did and I fear this may not help her situation

[MarcieM]

Thanks again for all your support and good advice. I was feeling very frustrated when I posted my last response and that frustration came through.
It is a good sign that she still wants to talk. We should both try to understand each other's point of view and if that means that I keep quiet and really try to understand her first before I expect her to understand me, then I guess that's ok.

You "guess" that's ok?
I'm still sensing a lot of a "it's all about me" attitude on your part. Guess what? It's not all about you.

Most here will always say "You GO Girl!". But, maybe it's far past time to seriously consider the wife's feelings here? She didn't sign up for this, you know.

It sounds like you really need to get control over your cd-ing instead of letting it control you. You've just been fired from a job over this, now it sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. Is it worth it? That's the question you really need to ask yourself.

If your answer is "Yes, it's worth it" - then sure, end up divorced and live your life in a pink fog. But, someday that pink fog willl fade away and you'll ask yourself "what the hell have I done?". Reality check time.

Learn from those who have been there - done that.

[kittypw GG]

You "guess" that's ok?
I'm still sensing a lot of a "it's all about me" attitude on your part. Guess what? It's not all about you.

Most here will always say "You GO Girl!". But, maybe it's far past time to seriously consider the wife's feelings here? She didn't sign up for this, you know.

It sounds like you really need to get control over your cd-ing instead of letting it control you. You've just been fired from a job over this, now it sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. Is it worth it? That's the question you really need to ask yourself.

If your answer is "Yes, it's worth it" - then sure, end up divorced and live your life in a pink fog. But, someday that pink fog willl fade away and you'll ask yourself "what the hell have I done?". Reality check time.

Learn from those who have been there - done that.

I totally agree, Seems the poster hasn't learned his lesson yet.

:hugs:
Kitty

[LindaMarie]

You "guess" that's ok?
I'm still sensing a lot of a "it's all about me" attitude on your part. Guess what? It's not all about you.

Most here will always say "You GO Girl!". But, maybe it's far past time to seriously consider the wife's feelings here? She didn't sign up for this, you know.

It sounds like you really need to get control over your cd-ing instead of letting it control you. You've just been fired from a job over this, now it sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. Is it worth it? That's the question you really need to ask yourself.

If your answer is "Yes, it's worth it" - then sure, end up divorced and live your life in a pink fog. But, someday that pink fog willl fade away and you'll ask yourself "what the hell have I done?". Reality check time.

Learn from those who have been there - done that.

I've read a few of Marcie's posts. Seems like she loves to dwell on the negative and "setting others straight." She's also mentioned she was planning to go on hormones without consulting a doctor. And I need a reality check? I've made mistakes but I haven't done anything as stupid as self medicate with powerful hormones. I think I'll concentrate on advice from credible sources instead of negative diatribes from someone like Marcie.

[Rachel Morley]

I think it's kind of a lost cause. We're so set in our positions that our conversations aren't really discussions - they're arguments where we each try to defend our own position.


At this point, it seems like our discussions about crossdressing are more about winning points than about understanding each other.

Oh dear ... :sad: ... that's not good. There is one thing I don't understand though .... and maybe you are different from me and my wife, but when we know we want to talk to one another about something that we both know we have different viewpoints on, and that there's likely to be some some of potential conflict .... we always start the conversation in a very very gentle way. We are both acutely aware of making sure that each of us waits and listens to the other until it's our own turn to speak, and then when we do speak we always speak slowly and softly to the other person about how it or they make us feel. Try to speak very candidly about things with no emotion or accusation in your voice. Concentrate on articulating how it/they make you feel. It takes two to make an argument so try not to be the one who initiates it. If she does initiate an argumentative comment or accusation and you can see that it's beginning to get heated, try to take the "higher moral ground" and not take the bait. Try to remember that her actions are because she's frustrated, and that's Ok. Remember why you love her, and think about trying to help her as well as helping yourself. IMHO no issue ever gets completely resolved by confrontation. Good luck and try to be patient with yourself and her. :hugs:

[MarcieM]

I've read a few of Marcie's posts. Seems like she loves to dwell on the negative and "setting others straight." She's also mentioned she was planning to go on hormones without consulting a doctor. And I need a reality check? I've made mistakes but I haven't done anything as stupid as self medicate with powerful hormones. I think I'll concentrate on advice from credible sources instead of negative diatribes from someone like Marcie.
Marcie loves to, and has learned the hard way - to dwell in reality. And from the looks of some others posts, I'm not the only one. Yep, we all make mistakes, even me. I have, however come to my senses about about a lot of things, before it was too late. The PINK FOG has cleared for me - Hard lessons to learn - but I learned them.

You can take advice from whoever you want, that certainly is your choice.
If you don't want to benefit and try to learn from others who have made mistakes, then do whatever works for you.

I'd say getting fired for logging onto CD websites is a pretty serious wake up call. It just seems a bit odd that you're on a crash collision course and everybody sees it but you.
You can be defensive if you want, people are just trying to help you.

[Sarah Martin]

LindaMarie, Just a few thoughts on your situation.

I've never been in anything like the situation you are on but I sympathise with you on where you are now. It must be hard on both of you.

If your discussions tend towards arguments can I suggest something else? Try an exchange of letters. Both of you agree to write down how you feel, what you are thinking about where you both are now and where you would like the future to go. You do this in separate rooms. Then, when you are both ready, you exchange the letters and retire to your separate rooms again to read what the other has written. At this point I think it might be best if you drive the car a few blocks away and read her letter there, just to remove the temptation for one of you to 'storm in' and start arguing. Take some time to think about the content of each others letters before coming together again and formulate a considered response to each others letter. Then you meet up again and discuss what you have in common and how you might negotiate on those areas where you disagree.

Maybe you can log onto this site and sit her in front of the threads from gg/SOs about crossdressing - both the supportive and unsupportive posts. This may help. It may also convince her that we are all just strange people. (I know I'm strange!).

I would advise you to take it easy on the dressing front for a few weeks. Things appear to have escalated for you (loss of job, wife's views etc) and I don't think that "adding petrol to the flames" by dressing a lot is really going to help.

You have a wife and children who you obviously want to keep. You may have to agree on 'underdressing' or dressing away from home, for instance, if she would find that acceptable.

LindaMarie, I do hope things work out for you but you must remember that if your wife is not supportive of your dressing then at some point you may have to choose between her and being a CD. I recommend that you choose your wife. Remember that circumstances may change in the future and you may be able to dress more then but your wife and children need you now.

All the best to you both,
Sarah

[lauraabdl]

You poor girl. It sounds like you already know what's going to happen. Wouldn't it be nice if this time was different? Wouldn't it be nice if she could gain an understanding of the feelings inside which create your desire to dress? To be honest, I'm not sure that this is the best time to talk, but on the other hand, if she is willing to talk there may never be a better time. I know for me personally, I find great solace in being feminine in times of crisis. It sort of takes the edge off and helps me focus on solutions instead of problems.

You've had these feelings for a long time. They aren't going to go away and I really don't think you want her to go away either. You suggested a referee or counselor........how about a mutual friend that you both trust and respect and who respects each of you? Or maybe another couple that you are close to? I don't know whether you are out to anyone or not, but there are often friends who understand us in ways that we sometimes can't imagine. Whatever happens, I hope you both concentrate as much on the good parts and benefits of your marriage as the perceived negatives. She probably doesn't realize that you are the same person she married. You're just accepting and validating a part of you that probably is responsibe for many of the things she found attractive in you.

I must agree with Glenda 100%. I wish you the best of luck, I know how you are feeling I am there right now and going thru the same or just about the same issues. Hang in there girl.
Laura:hugs: