Setting the stage for my SO?

[Crystal Galadriel]

Up until now, I haven't told my SO about my dressing. As of today, we've been engaged for a year, and in a couple of weeks we will have been together for 3 years. Up until this past 6 months, I haven't done any dressing since I met her, except on the rare night when I sneak a few clothes from a GG family member's room and return them the next day. But, since the middle of summer, I've been CDing again, and more, and been more interested and involved in it: I've joined this forum, and I've even bought my first clothes for myself and would have bought more by now and have a small wardrobe if I had the space and the money.

When we first got together, it had been years since I'd done any dressing, though I'd had the occasional mild desire or curiosity about it. I figured it was more-or-less a phase from when I was younger and didn't think I needed to tell her about it. Now, with this resurgence, I'm positive that I definitely do need to tell her, and sooner rather than later. I *think* that she'll be at least relatively accepting of it, at least I hope so. She takes me the way I am in most other ways.

Anyway, with the background info out of the way, on to what this thread is REALLY about. Since I got my own panties and joined this forum, I've been dropping at least mild hints about this kind of stuff, hoping to try to gauge her reaction a little bit in preparation for telling her. I've watched a couple of CD/TG related anime, which I've given to her and she's watched also (at least one of them) and fairly enjoyed. She knows I'm interested in the whole aspects of playing with gender, and she's fine with that from what I can tell. She once asked me, if I could switch gender for day, and then go back to how everything was before afterward, would I, and when I told her "heck yeah", she said she would too. Through some strange thread of conversation this past weekend, body hair came up, and I told her how I don't mind most of my body hair, but really don't like some of it, like my upper-leg hair. She jokingly suggested that I shave it all off, and it was DEFINITELY jokingly, as she said immediately afterward something to the effect of, "that would be weird, please don't".

Every time I see her (only on the weekends), I feel more and more like I need to and want to tell her. I just can't bring myself to do it yet, partly because I'm afraid of loosing her, and partly because she's very stressed right now (lots of things happening). I've repeatedly thought about telling her something like "there's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent", but I can't decide if that would be a good idea or not. I think it'd make me feel more comfortable for now, until I do tell her, that at least she knows there's something, and it'd give me a good way to start the conversation when I do tell her: "Remember that thing I told you I needed to talk to you about..." On the other hand, I'm afraid that it'll make her SUPER nervous and uneasy and worried, and that she'll try to get me to tell her sooner.

I guess I'm just looking for advice or reassurance. Knowing that I'm going to be telling her in the relatively-near future, probably the next month or two depending on her stress level, should I keep dropping hints, should I tell her something's up, should I keep it totally under wraps for now, should I just go ahead and tell her, should I....? As I'm sure everyone else on here who's told an SO was, I'm ridiculously nervous and scared, but I'll definitely get over those to tell her, because I know how much more comfortable everything will be afterward. I've read the sticky on how to tell her, and I'll be referring back to it frequently before I tell her. I just can't decide how to handle the time between now and when I out myself.

Any thoughts or advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks sisters.

PS: sorry for the short novel, this has been on my mind almost constantly for weeks and I had a lot to say...

[Jonelle]

sounds to me like she wants you to explore this side of you.. i say shave your legs.. see what she says then

[Sammy777]

Firstly, I would leave the body hair alone for now, lol.

She didn't seem to lean towards it with the "that would be weird, please don't" remark.

As far as your opening line goes:
"There's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent"

I would reword it something like this:
"There's something I feel we need to talk about, but with everything you have been going through lately I think it can wait until a later time.
It is nothing bad just something I think we should talk about at some point.
So when your ready to talk let me know and we can discuss it."

Not bad huh? lol

[Crystal Galadriel]

At Jonelle: LOL, I just might, but I think I'll leave that AT LEAST until after I tell her. I think it'd freak her out even if she knew, I can't imagine how she'd react if I just did it.

At Samantha: Yeah, I think I'll definitely leave my body hair the way it is for now. I'd be scared to shave it anyway.

I do like that line, I'm not sure how I'd word it all, but I'd certainly lay it all out before I brought it up. I'm just really unsure about whether telling her something like that would even be a good idea, or whether I should just leave it alone until it's time to tell her.

Thanks for your thoughts, girls!

[AmandaM]

I would play it down, act like it's not a big deal. But I think she has a right to know. And it's better than getting caught later. Be ready for the inevitable questions: Are you gay? Do you want a sex change? Etc.

[Crystal Galadriel]

She has actually asked once before, I think jokingly, if I wanted to be a girl, after I showed her some of the "weird" anime that I watched. I told her no, and I don't really, though the ability to switch back and forth would be nice. I don't think I'd choose to be a girl over a guy, I'm happy the way I am. And I'm definitely not gay. But yeah, I'll be ready for questions like that, I'm going to try to be ready for everything I can think of, which is one of the reasons that I haven't told her yet. I definitely agree, she has a right to know. Thanks for your opinion on playing it down for now.

[Sedona]

Yes, agree with Amanda.

But, first off, no more "borrowing" clothes. Not cool.

There, that said, if you're planning on getting married, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Be honest, be open, be calm, let her take the lead, it will be alright.

[Crystal Galadriel]

Yeah, I've never liked borrowing clothes. It always made me feel guilty, but when I first started I was 12 and it was the only way to do anything. Not anymore, getting my own as soon as the money comes in. Just have to live with undies until then.

Thanks for the advice. I know you're right, it'll only be worse the longer I wait. I'll do the best I can. Thanks for the reassurance, it really did make me feel better.

[harmony]

looks like you are stuck with this cd thing for the rest of your life!would you share your life with someone who does not approve?you have to tell straight out as soon as possible and be carefull-a lot of ggs -like my ex-think love cures all and it will go away-make shure she knows it wont!!

[Crystal Galadriel]

I have heard that on here before, about some SO's thinking it'll go away. I'm ready to explain how it keeps coming back, when it started, why I do it (as best I can), all that fun stuff. I don't think she'll leave me for it, I know she really loves me and I don't think my clothing choice will change that, but I'm still worried. Thanks for reminding me about that aspect, though, I hadn't thought about it in a while.

[jessielee]

dear Crystal,
what an excitingly pregnant time in your life!
i agree with Harmony; believe the person you spend your life with should be someone you can let your guard down around, to be in a comfort zone.
so glad you wish to let her know.
if she can't handle it, she may not be the sort you could be yourself around, in the long run.
i wish you all the best.
warmly,
jessie

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks for the support, Jessie. The strange thing is, she's really the only person that I feel like I can be my complete self around. I have what I like to think of as a "chameleon" type personality.

When I'm around other people, I pick up on their mannerisms, words they use frequently, tones of voice, expressions, opinions, all kinds of things, and generally use them myself when I'm around that person. I don't know if it's supposed to help me get along with people better or what, and I don't do it on purpose, but I notice myself doing it a lot. If someone I'm talking to happens to speak slowly and deliberately, I do so too without even thinking about it. If they say "like" a lot, I do too. I can't think of very many good examples, but I do it pretty much all the time, around everyone, even my family, to the point that sometimes I'm not sure what my own personality is completely like.

But not when I'm around her. When we're together, I don't usually pick up the things she says or does. I tell her what I think and I say things my way, and sometimes I'll act or speak a little more like her, but nothing like it is with everyone else. And I don't really know why. But it seems like I'm only mostly myself around everyone else, borrowing parts of their personalities in order to mesh with them better, but I can really be myself around her. It's kinda weird.

I've never known anyone like her, which is why I really don't want to loose her, and why I'm so scared to tell her. I hope it all goes well, thank you so much for your good wishes and your thoughts.

(PS: geez, I've got a lot to say tonight)

[Maid Barbara]

Hi Crystal,
At some stage you realy have to tell her. I've allways told everyone I've had a relationship with. My late wife decided she didn't want to see it but gave me ample oppotunity to dress, phoning 1/2 hour before she came home so I would have time to get changed.
As for "there's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent", Don't. You'll leave her wondering what it is and she'll jump to all sorts of conclusions except the right one.
Good luck.

Barbara

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks, Barbara. That's what I was worried about too, making her worry so much, not knowing what was going on.

I'm glad that your wife was accepting of you, I can only hope that my fiancee will be aswell. Sorry to hear that she's gone. I'm certainly going to tell my fiancee, I know she needs to know. Thank you so much for your advice.

[ReineD]

I've never known anyone like her, which is why I really don't want to loose her, and why I'm so scared to tell her. I hope it all goes well, thank you so much for your good wishes and your thoughts.

(PS: geez, I've got a lot to say tonight)

Well, you've got a lot on your mind!

It sounds as if she is your soul mate, and I understand why you don't want to lose her. But if you don't tell her, I think there is an even bigger chance that you will. You do not want to risk your fiancee finding out by herself. This will erode the trust between you. If the CDing is something that is increasingly on your mind, and judging by her comments, there is a chance she might already suspect that something is amiss. You do not want her to fill in the blanks with her own worse-case scenarios.

No matter what stress she is under now, I do not think there is ever a perfect time to tell someone about the CDing. Life has a habit of always getting in the way. You asked for advice. I would set aside an evening alone together .. a romantic candlelight dinner at home?

Then tell her there is something you want to talk about. You know it is not a perfect time right now, but this is very important since it is your priority that the two of you should never keep secrets from one another. Be sure to let her know you that you love her, and you are the same person you always were. Then LISTEN with your ears and your heart to what she has to say, and respond appropriately.

Yes, there is the risk she will not be happy about this, but I believe it is a small risk given your ages and what I read through your posts. If she does not immediately embrace the idea, it does not mean that she will reject it entirely either. She may need time to learn more about it and determine for herself that the CDing is not a threat to your relationship. Remember, she has as much invested in you as you have in her! The alternative is to begin a life of hiding and lying - not a good foundation for a committed relationship. And in the unlikely event she cannot live with this, you will want to find out so you can make appropriate decisions for yourself.

I wish you both the best. Please let us know how it goes.
:hugs:

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thank you so much for the advice, Reine. I'm glad to get a GG's opinion on this too.

I certainly don't want to hide things from her. I've been on the verge of telling her everytime I've seen her for the past month, but haven't been able to convince myself to do it. I really want her to know, because I know that she really needs to, and I know that if she's accepting of it that things will be amazing. I stayed with her and her family over Thanksgiving weekend (she's still been living at home while going to college), and I came so close to telling her almost every night. We had a bit of a spat Thursday evening, but they aren't uncommon for us and they're always fixed relatively easily, though she gets very emotional when she's upset and overreacts easily. She had problems with a friend of mine Friday, and with her dad on Saturday, and I had to come back to college Sunday. She's getting ready to transfer colleges, coming to the same one as me since the one's she's at doesn't have what she wants anymore. That means that she's getting ready to move out on her own for the first time, and she's really nervous and stressed. I really want to tell her, but I'm afraid that, right now, it would send her over the top in the stress department.

I don't expect her to be happy about it, but I'm at least hoping that she'll be willing to accept it.

Thank you so much for the advice. I'll plan it out carefully, and I most definitely will tell her...she's just already under so much stress, I don't want this to break her. I'm not expecting a perfect time, just one when I don't have to talk her back down from crying from the stress of everything else like I did today.

I can't tell you how much your words have helped. Thank you again so much for the advice and encouragement.

[ReineD]

I didn't realize you were both in college. Exams are coming up in the next few weeks. I agree, this is a major, intense stress that leaves very little room for anything else. But, it is of short duration. You will both be done by mid December?

I don't think a few weeks will make that much difference. Earlier on, I thought you were contemplating letting it go for much longer. I would wait until after exam week, so she can take the time to process the information and not have to put it away on the shelf because she has 5 exams to study for. :)

I've enjoyed reading your post. It is clear you want to do the right thing. You say you don't expect her to be happy about this, but she may surprise you! My SO :<3: was nervous about telling me too. But, he had no idea that my best friend's husband crossdresses! The news hardly phased me, and I was immediately supportive. :) But, my feelings for him were deep, as I'm sure your fiancee's are for you. CDing does not form the totality of your being. It is only one of your many wonderful facets.
:love:

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thank you so much!

You've brightened my homework-filled night, as well as morning, and likely my entire week. I'd be ecstatic if my fiancee is half as accepting as you are!

Thank you again for your advice, it means a lot to me.

[Sheila]

Crystal,

Hi hun and I hope that you and your fiancee have fun exploring this together, when you finally manage to tell her.

How soon before she moves colleges ? maybe best to leave it till then and you can make sure that you have time tog to talk this through properly without the added stress of exams and college move.

:hugs:hun and hope it all goes well for you

[sallyjones]

hey crystal i have only come out to one person and she ok with it. still i got all the questions are you gay, do you want to be a woman, and the fact that wanting to go out she is very jealous about thinking i want to cheat with another CD. the answer to all the questions of course is NO! a good way to break it to her is just by saying " i feel like i have a feminine side." and then let her take the lead

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks for the advice, Sally. I'm fully expecting all of those questions and am ready to answer them. I hope it goes as well for me as it did for you.

Sheila, right now she's planning on moving up here at the start of next semester, the middle of January. We have an entire month off for the holidays, and I was originally planning on talking to her about it then. But I was thinking the same as you, she's getting ready to move out for the first time, and over 2 hours away from her family, and I remember how stressful that was for me two years ago, so I might want to wait until after that was over too. I'm really not sure, the extra month is quite a while to wait. I think I'll just have to gauge it off of how she's doing after the break starts. I hope it goes well too, I'll definitely let everyone on here know how it goes when I finally do tell her. Probably within half an hour of finishing our talk, lol.

I've been up writing a paper, so I've been able to check back in here frequently, but I'm going to bed now, only 4 hours until I have to get up. I'll respond personally tomorrow night to anybody else who posts, I promise! Night girls!

[curse within]

Crystal.

I feel for ya buddy but hey ya gotta get it out of the way.. I told my wife 1 year before we were married..It was at a time when crossdressing REALLY wasn't accepted or as understood..Not like much progress has been made today but thanks to the internet and forums like this you have some sort of support, for yourselve and your hopefull ..

My wife bless her heart thought I would grow out of it and in time never wanted to believe I did it(crossdress) ..She just didn't want any part of it period.. She accused me of being gay not at first and only because I dressed (the man on man type)even to the minute I moved out and seperated she still accused me.. It really pushed me in the closet and lead me to this lifestyle I am living today 20 plus years of marriage and never accepted that part of me..I regret the fact I dress, I hate it in fact!

Please tell her and make sure she reads up on MTF crossdressing at every angle, to understand that it will not ever go away..Set boundries let her know how far your willing to explore your femme side and it may grow or it may go away but only for a short amount of time,as you have been finding out..And for Gods Sakes don't jump out of the hallway wearing her teddy and scaring the hell out of her!! just kidding..

I took my wife to the desert where we were alone it was quiet and peacefull ,no body around for miles. Told her ,then offered her a ride back if she didn't want to hear anymore..She chose to stay ..She said it didn't matter and it was just clothes but she did ask "are you gay"? and if I wanted to be a woman.
I answered her truthfully ..We set some basic boundries mine are examples yours may be different..

1. No wearing her clothes period..I am bigger than her and she didn't want them ruined..

2. She did not want to see me dress or participate in my dressing .I was to only do it while she was away..My clothes also had to be hidden she didn't want to see them.

I did obey these the best I could sometimes it was hard and she acted as if she wanted to catch me in the act..To only beraid and be little me. So however important dressing is to you it isn't always important to your S.O. respect that.. My wife was ok with it for the first 5-7 years of our marriage then it went south..Make sure she understands it don't end up like me and hateing that part of your life..It should be a gift not a curse as I see it..

[Kelsy]

Crystal,

I feel for you Hun!! I remember the time leading up to telling my then girlfriend ,soon to be my wife.! I was so scared! I was sure She was going to
reject me but I knew that I had to tell her. She deserved the right to choose.
If my Cding was something she could accept then we would marry. I was not going to sneak around behind her back. Well when I told her I was so nervous I felt like my heart was going to explode. She said "is that what you wanted to tell me!!" so!!! that's no big deal":eek: OMG I am now free to be me!!

PS of course there was always a good chance she could have sent me packing!

Kelsy:hugs:

[Jonianne]

Crystal, you are definatly doing the right thing by telling her. I told my wife before we were married when she first told me that she was interested in me. I said "There is something you need to know about me." She asked the 2 usual questions and later called me and said she did not care what cloths I wore.

Next, the most important thing, I learned from my previous wife, was to work out with her what her comfort level was. She at first said she was fine with anything that I did, but I knew in reality that wouldn't last and that we needed to work out realistic boundries and we did. The ground rules can be revisited in time, but give her time to learn her comfort level as well.

Another important thing in our relationship was that she chose to go with me to my first tri-ess meetings. She at first did not want to go and I did not pressure her at all, but she decided that if she was going to be with this man, she needed to find out more about it. She learned two main things from the meetings, 1) that we don't swing from the chandelier - her being from SF, she did'nt know what to expect - and that we were so laid back that it was sort of boring and 2) she learned from another CD'ers wife that "it" never goes away. My wife later told me that was the most important piece of advice she received.

A resourse like the FAB's on this forum would be so helpful for her if she chose to join.

Also, know who you are and what you want before you go into the lifetime commitment of marriage. If you are only CD, don't let the pink fog cloud your relationship. I say all this from my own past bad and good experience.

I wish you and her the best and good luck on both your college work.

[mklinden2010]

CG,

Interesting reading your posts. It strikes me that you are very young and, being young, prone to first time errors. No offense, but we're all beginners at one time or another. Just the way it is...

The good thing about being young in 2008, is that a lot of the rules are more relaxed than they used to be. And, a good thing about being you at the moment, is that you have yet to lock yourself into an impossible situation with your/a SO.

SOs are important; life is so much better with good people in it... Your SO, whoever they turn out to be, thinks so too or they would not be looking for someone themselves... Look then, to your mutual interests in life. Your So may or may not be into this so much, but your SO wants to be in a good relationship. Work on that "good relationship" with whoever you wind up with...

Why not just ease into it then? Tell her you've been "thinking about things and..." Tell her that a recent movie has been on your mind... Tell her that, in all fairness, you think/feel you might be "more into" this or that than you thought. Help her understand that you are coming to understand this about yourself...

Keep in mind that this is not an "end of the world'' issue or cast in concrete. It's just something on your mind, an issue that you give more thought to than others... Your interest is in knowing yourself so that she can know the real you and not some role you are trying to play or some trick you are trying to pull to get something dishonestly. Kudos to you for seeing that this might be important to both of you and doing something about it.

Several times in this thread, the word "comfort" has come up. You may not know this yet, but it's likely there will be several more "important" people in your life; people you have no way of knowing about yet. Life can take many unexpected turns... Give this relationship a try and try to be fair to everyone involved. You are here to learn, and to learn and do better. If this relationship does not work out, take what lessons you can, good and bad, and go on to the next one.

As for women... Yep, they're different. I can not really "get" why they'd want to kiss a scratchy-faced man, for example, but God bless them, they seem not be be able to help themselves. Women, more than men, seem to be honest about wanting a safe, supporting, secure, trouble-free relationship in which to live their lives. Yes, "ideally" men seem to want to be bees in the meadow, while women seem to want to be hot-house flowers.

All I can tell you, after many years living with several women is that they have a better idea than most "guys" about what works. Try to see "their" point of view about relationships and see what you have to offer them in making a good life.

Odds are most will go along with anything you're happy with so long as you "take care of your own business."

CDs complain about SOs not wanting to see them dressed, etc. However, fishermen are not welcome to clean fish at the kitchen sink, Football fanatics have to "keep all that beer and noise in the living room," and, "Yes, you can go to that once-a-year-out-of-town Nascar race - but you are NOT buying THAT damn car!"

Listen well and be considerate - of everyone involved.

Thanks for the post.

Good living.

[BeckiB]

CHANGE, that one little word can strike fear into many. Many SOs fear that they are about to lose the one they love or that our sexual preference will change or our sexual persona will change. Just like most of the world they believe in the misguided stereotypes like we are gay, or we all want to become a woman. For some these are truly facts, but, we are a very diverse group and trying to lump us together in anything is pretty hard. Tell her what it is you feel and where you would like things to go. LISTEN to her concerns and don't feel like you have to answer them there on the spot nor does she have to answer you. I would share this site with her. There are a lot of very bright and articulate GG's on this site that may help her answer some questions that concern her.

I wouldn't shave my body (which you said you weren't) until after you have the talk, Doing something for shock value at this point might not be a good idea. I would also not tell her until the semester break.

Good luck and I hope it turns out well as it seems from you post that you two care for each other a great deal.

[Di]

Very glad you are wanting to tell her as you both deserve to have a life with someone they trust and share all of them self with. I would also not tell her until the semester break, but please no games or hints ect just say the truth. I would tell her you never shared this with anyone EVER and feel you can share this part of you. Stress to her you are the same person she has always loved NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Stress to her it is a common thing and you can get material for her to read AND do not make promises you will not be able to keep.
She may need time to process it and there might be a few ups and downs but you both will get through it:hugs: My wish for you is that you two can explore this together:hugs:

[TerriM]

I also think you are right about telling your SO before you marry. I am married 37yrs. I told my wife when we were married about 10yrs. Prior to our marriage I really didnt know how strong this part of me was. I know if I had known I would have told her before. But i think if I had, she wouldnt have married me. The world has changed a lot since I got married. I have changed. We work things out. She will never have anything to do with my fem side. That is very hurtful to me at times, but I have accepted that.

[Christina Horton]

Do you want to go dressed out side? How much time out do you want to do it. How far do you want to go with it E.T.C. lazer hair removle , breast implants, vioce altered, adams apple removel, hormones, all that will be in the back of her mind. If she asks you (WHY) do you CD and you can't say why ( like most of us can't explaine why) a girl from here told me a great way to respond to is is to ask them," Are you left handed or right handed" when they say right or left handed you say " why" they will not be able to say why just that they were born that way and you say " RIGHT same here." I think you must tell her now not later. It's not that you wear Women's "stuff" , It's the LIE they will hate more. You will have to explaine to her that you did not think you needed to dress untill just a little while ago. Then tell her you need ,want to do this and it is part of who you are, when she frist meet you that was part of you ,and even you did not know the full you then. Tell her how much better you feel now that you LOVE YOURSELF fully now then you did before. And of course tell her how much she means to you . Tell her if she does not want you to do this that that whould be repressing a very big part of you sole or (HEART) by doing that. If you think you need to tell her after the semster then do it. This could also be the best news she has ever gotten, It could be a big stress releaf vlave. Some GG's love CDs but don't know it untill they find out while in the relationship. I have told most of my girl friends and all of them loved it and wanted to dress me up right then. I told them that I was not ready for that yet. Y N K . I hope you will have a + chat with her ,Well I hope this helped. HUGGS. :hugs: :canada:

[Toni_Lynn]

Hi

Having gone through the same agony myself, and then finally getting the courage to act, allow me to offer some ideas.

My first suggestion would be to assess her general attitude to what I'll broadly call 'gender stuff'. It sounds like you have done that and have received largely positive feedbac. This is good.

Having done that, what I did when I prepared to tell my the woman who became my wife was to lay a groundwork that assures her that your love for her knows no bounds and you would never ever hurt her. Reassure her that you will never lie to her. Let her know that you want to be hers forever. Let her know that you something tell her, and that you pray that she will not be hurt.

I should pause now and say that one thing that I will tell you is that you should she not accept, you must be prepared for the end. I told my wife that if my CDing hurt her, I would rather leave her than ever not be fully open with her. Let her know that you want to all of your being to her. You want to love her always and all ways.

Then, you must tell her. Let her know that you will never embarrass her with your CDing or cause her shame. Assure her that you will always be her defender and protector ... that the fact that you have lace on your underwear doesn't mean that you would not go to battle for her or die for her. For evil to get to her, it will have to get past you first. Finally, and this is my oft repeated advise, let her know that you will never love the girl within more than you love her.

Should she be accepting then tell her about all the fun you'll have together!

My prayers are with you my sister.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Laura Evans]

There has been so much good advice given to you that I won't bother repeating them. I have been married once and in one long term and one very short term relationship. I never told any of them and the stress was on me and I always felt guilty about keeping a secret. In my current relationship I decided I would no longer keep this a secret so after several months had gone by enough for me to decide this was a good relationship I decided to tell her. It was not easy and I prepared myself for a breakup if that was what she wanted ( she deserved that consideration ), that was also what I prefaced my talk with her. I felt she needed to know early on so as to avoid any feelings of deception in the ralationship. She surprised me and took the revelation as "ok, so what" and the usual questions as has been pointed out several times. She said she knew I was different that other men she has known and liked what she saw. We have been together now for three years and states she likes both sides of me and really does not see any difference in my personallity when I am en femme or male. PS we were co-workers for years prior when she was married and I was in one of my relationships and neither of us thought of ever being together but we got to know each other in a working relationship. Take the advise think about it and do it before it is too late remember there will always be something getting in the way of telling her, to me it sounds like the xmas break would be a good time. Just do it. Good luck.

[Crystal Galadriel]

WOW! I never expected so many responses so quick! I figured it'd take a day or two before I got a bunch! Thank you all SOOOO much for sharing, I don't have time to read and respond to everyone right now, but I definitely will at least read them all tonight. Hopefully I can respond to everyone too, but if it keeps going at this pace it'll take me all night! But that's not a bad thing, I'm glad to be getting so much input! Thank you so much, everyone!

EDIT: Later that night....

Yeah, too many and too much to respond to personally...I'd be at this until tomorrow, I'd have so much to say! Nevertheless, thank you all for your comments and thoughts and opinions and everything. I've still got a lot of thinking to do to make sure I'm prepared for what's going to happen when I tell her. I'll definitely hold off on the hint-dropping, etc, until it's time to really tell her, and then just do it. I can't describe how wonderful it would be if she was accepting of my CDing, but if she wasn't, I honestly think I'd rather suppress it than lose her. I'd still be able to feel the same way I have been, just not dress the part. I've been mentally in girl-mode around her several times, even during alone time, and I think I could carry on like that without too much difficulty, at least for the time being. On the other hand, I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I lost her. Either way, I do think that she needs to know about it.

I think my best bet will just be to stay ready and tell her when things seem to be going on the easier side, whether that be during Christmas break or sometime after the next semester starts. I know there will never be a perfect time to tell her, but I don't want to pick a bad time, like when she's especially stressed or something.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Note to self -- List of things to stress:

I love her.
I'm still the same guy I was before.
I'm not gay.
I don't want to be a woman.
She's the only one I've ever shared this with.
I don't want to keep any secrets or lies from her.

I'm so glad that so many of you have found accepting SOs. I can only hope that I can be as lucky with the woman I love.

Thank you all soo much again. Anyone who wants to add anything, repeat anything, tell their own story, anything at all, everyone is very welcome to post more here, I started this but it doesn't have to be all about me (though I'd still be very accepting of absolutely any advice or recommendations that I can get). You're all great.

[Crystal Galadriel]

Feel free to respond to this or not, I just really had to get some of this out somewhere....



God, this is driving me insane...

Every time I talk to her, I find my need to tell her doubling or more. It's the the point that I'm practically struggling not to just come out and do it right this minute, but I know that she's very stressed right now, and telling her over the internet wouldn't exactly be a good idea. Damn, I really want to at least set it up for her, tell her there's something going on, but that'd only make her worry more....I feel like my head's going to explode if I don't get it out of me soon.

She's getting bored, she doesn't get to see me very often (about every other weekend) and when she does, it's always the same, partly because I haven't had any money to do anything with for a while and partly because I'm not that creative or spontaneous. A few minutes ago, I was seconds away from telling her that I could promise that there'd be something coming up that'd bring some excitement, but again, I'd only make her worry more.

I used to think about my earlier CDing when we first got together and how I didn't think I needed to tell her about it because it was in my past and it was embarrassing. I always figured I'd end up telling her sometime, but never worried about it. If I had told her back then, it wouldn't be as big of a deal now. And now I'm stuck here, really wanting to tell her and knowing that I really should tell her and that she really needs to know....but not yet. The anticipation is going to keep me distracted until I finally do tell her, I just know it. It consumes half of my thoughts whenever I'm with her and whenever I talk to her.

[Toni_Lynn]

telling her over the internet wouldn't exactly be a good idea.

Hey Crystal

Telling her power the internet is NOT a good idea at all - it is too impersonal and this is far too important, deep and personal to do in that way.

You have to do it in person so that you can hold her hand -- and she can hug you!

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[kathtx]

Hi Crystal,

It sounds like you're obsessing about this, and letting it distract you from everything else going on in you life. When you're with your girlfriend you're spinning your wheels on how to have "the talk" rather than enjoying the time with her. You do need to talk with her, but probably not during her final exams, and until then you've got to figure out how to get on with the rest of life. Obsession isn't healthy, for you or your relationships (or your semester grades).

Have you considered talking with a counselor? Your college health center probably has free counseling for students. If you're at one of the big universities in Kansas you can pretty much be guaranteed that the counselors have worked with transgendered students before and know the issues involved.

For encouragement, let me add that you're about the same age as I was when I came out to my SO. It's 23 years later and we're still happily married. There are lots of relationship horror stories out there, but sometimes it does work out.

Best wishes,

Kath

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks girls,

I've calmed down quite a bit since that post. Moderately stressful relationship occurrences right now, though nothing compared to some of the stuff we've been through already. I think it's just got me stressed out and worried about telling her. Talking to her and being around her has been reminding me that I need to tell her, I think you're right, I need to relax and get my mind off of it for a while. Obsession definitely isn't healthy.

Thank you very much for the encouragement, Kath, it helped put my mind at ease a little more. I'll be fine, just need to chill out and relax, nothing I can do about the timing, just gotta wait until it's good. Thanks girls.

[AmandaM]

Good advice here about her comfort level. There's a huge difference for many women if you want to occassionally dress, or if you want to dress everyday. First get a feel for her general reaction, if she accepts it, then don't push her away later by letting it become all-consuming. If it's all consuming now, let her know now. Or be prepared for a potentially bad reaction later. To sum it up, let her know the extent of your desires.

[ReineD]

I'm pulling for you, Crystal! :love: Hang tight, just a few weeks more!

[Satrana]

When you do tell her, my best advice is not to blurt out that you are a CD or you want to wear women's clothes etc because that might immediately raise the wrong stereotypes in her mind which may make her close up.

Instead introduce the subject by talking about yourself and your feelings. Talk about what aspects of masculinity you feel uncomfortable with and what aspects of femininity you are attracted to. Talk about your need to integrate these aspects together and to stop pretending to just be a regular guy. But you must also talk about the aspects of being a guy that you love such as being her lover.

Ask her about her feelings in response to these revelations. Ask her how she feels about exploring a relationship where her man enjoys expressing the feminine side of himself alongside your masculine side.

Try to talk about your feelings at length without bringing up the subject of clothes or the term crossdresser. Leave that to the end by saying the consequence of your feelings is your desire to crossdress. Good luck!

Doing it this way will help her see this as an integral part of your personality and not just a fetish or passing phase.

[Genifer Teal]

When you tell her, I would try not to make a big deal of it. I know this is easier said than done. Part of her reaction will be based you how comfortable she perceives you are with it. I would be matter of fact about it. I might say things like " some people are like this. I happen to be one of them." Talk in a VERY POSITIVE way. "I have a greaterr appreciation for women." "not being the typical guy has benefits"

I'd probably not over explain it at first. Briefly tell her what it is and what it means to you. Then reassure her as you feel necessary - only love her, never want to fully transition, not gay ect. After that, back of and let her know you are open to any and all questions. Give her time & space to digest everything you have said. The rest is up to her. Hope it goes well.

Gem

[ReineD]

... and do we grab the opportunity with both hands to explain ourselves? (It's all up there, Crystal, "no, I don't really, though the ability to switch back and forth would be nice. I don't think I'd choose to be a girl over a guy, I'm happy the way I am. And before you ask, I'm definitely not gay...") Do we say that? No, we dive back into macho-land and answer with a monosyllable.

And then we ask other CDs how we can raise the subject and come out of our closets!

:yt: :)

[Crystal Galadriel]

Good point, lol. I was just leaving her house at the time, and a thousand different things ran through my head, but I'm not very good at talking about stuff that I'm thinking about, especially not spur of the moment.

In my defense, my "no" was more like a "...No..."

What that means, I don't know.

She does know that I think about the gender-switching stuff a decent amount, but I think that I think about it a lot more than she thinks I think about it. (that was a complicated sentence)

Thank you all for the continued support and advice. I'll be trying and hoping for the best here in just a couple of weeks, I think.

[Samantha Kelsey]

The easiest way to handle the time between now and then is to make that time short. Tell her today. Every day you leave it is another day in which she may find out herself. If she does then imagine how she will feel. There are many threads on this forum which show the hurt and bad feeling suffered by many people due to the secrecy and cheating.

You are in a perfect position to prevent so much heartache and bad feeling for you both in the rest of your relationship with this girl.

DO IT NOW!! Please.

If you lose her because you told her then so be it, at least you will have allowed you both to live more happily in the long run. They always say its easier to see things with hind sight, well, there are enough of us on this forum who now have the benifit of painfully earned hindsight.

Please do it now.

[Crystal Galadriel]

First, I hope you all had good holidays and new year. I haven't been on the computer much, let alone this forum, over the past few weeks.

I've been enjoying my time with my SO more lately, been generally more relaxed and happier since I've been home for so long over winter break. I'm almost positive that she knows that SOMETHING is up, though I don't think she really knows what. She has a tendency to ask me "Is something wrong?" a lot, but half the time nothing's even going on. I think it's mostly because I sigh a decent little bit, but it's usually a contented sigh, I just enjoy being around her.

She's going to the same college as me this next semester, so she's transferring jobs up there. Her last day of work here is on Wednesday, so I've picked Thursday as the day to tell her. I'll be prepping myself over the next couple of nights. I don't know exactly how I'm going to tell her yet, but I'll work it out. I'm planning to take her out to dinner, and I'm not sure what else. I'm very confident that everything will be fine with it. I don't expect her to be excited about it or anything, especially right off the bat, but I do think that she'll at least be ok with it, and hopefully somewhat accepting, given a couple of days to absorb it.

By telling her Thursday, we'll have plenty of opportunity to spend time together to talk over the rest of Thursday, Friday, and the weekend, and it's not immediately before she goes to school. Move-in day is next Tuesday, so hopefully it should give her a little bit of time between work and school where she can try to absorb it a little bit.

I'll be reading all kinds of things about telling SO's on here over the next couple of days. Please wish me luck, I'll update with what happens once I've told her.

[Christina Horton]

You are in a perfect position to prevent so much heartache and bad feeling for you both in the rest of your relationship with this girl.

DO IT NOW!! Please.

If you lose her because you told her then so be it, at least you will have allowed you both to live more happily in the long run. They always say its easier to see things with hind sight, well, there are enough of us on this forum who now have the benifit of painfully earned hindsight.

Please do it now.



Whats the easy way to tell her let see, yor start with,( I have something I realy need to tell you , It's not bad news but it weaird and very hard for me to bring up.) then you tell her the beat way you can. All ways letting her know how much you love her etc. Some women only can deal wit the frist thing you say liie I a a crossdresser And have been for years. Sometimes they need time to think about it . This is not all ways a bad sing. Over load for them . SO give her only what she can take , don't start telling her what dresses painties you like etc. Wait untill she is better with it. If she says ( oh thats wonderfull I allways wanted to have a boyfriend who dresses like a girl.) If you get that we will all HATE YOU BITCH) lol we would all be very happy for you. Just walk softly and you hopfully will be fine . Good luck HUN :hugs: :canada::hugs:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I guess if you have been reading this website, then you now know that crossdressing is not just a "phase" that will go away - most of us thought that it would go away after we were married - WRONG - it NEVER goes away - so if I were you, I would try talking about this with your SO - I would not shave any body hair or do anything to your body - this is a real good way to piss her off forever.
Had experience,
JoAnne Wheeler

[Bootsiegalore]

She jokingly suggested that I shave it all off

My wife took great erotic pleasure in shaving me for the first time! She even wanted to see stockings on my legs and put them on me! She was pissed when my legs looked better than hers!

Tara

[MissConstrued]

I would not shave any body hair or do anything to your body - this is a real good way to piss her off forever.
Had experience,
JoAnne Wheeler


I've had experience, too... of a different sort. I kept my body hairless long before I ever met my first steady girlfriend. That changes the whole dynamic. It's not something I'm springing on them well into a relationship -- it's just me, take it or leave it.

Never had one leave it. There's no explanation necessary, and there's no prolonged discussion of "why are your legs shaved?" in the heat of that first intimate moment. Biological imperative rules over social mores, every time. It's an arched eyebrow, a shrug of the shoulders, and on about it. There's a neurological programming element, too. If you're smooth, and she enjoys herself, the two will subconsciously merge in her mind.

Naturally, when she discovers how smooth I am, she gets ideas... "I bet you'd look good in this" kind of ideas. :D Ow, ow, stop twisting my arm!

You young, single CDers out there, take heed. If nothing else, make sure that what you want from her in the future is what you want, right now. You are taken for who you are at the beginning, and surprising her later on with a sudden change in grooming habits or sartorial choices is almost certain to result in friction, and not the good kind.

You've got to be yourself before you ever ask the girl on the first date. If you're not, then you are practicing deception.

[Crystal Galadriel]

The body hair thing really isn't a big deal at this point. I don't plan on shaving myself any time soon, if ever. Hell, I even keep a beard.

Like most people here, at first I thought that the desire to crossdress would go away after a while. I assumed that it was just curiosity or whatever and that it wouldn't be a big deal later on in my life. As of late, I've realized that it's not going away, simple as that. As a result, I know I need to tell my SO about it, and I'm going to. Was just looking for some advice on what to do leading up to that point.

But, that point is today. Happy Thursday, January 8th, 2009 everybody. I've been battling a cold for the past day or two, and am still feeling fairly stuffy-headed, but I'm hoping to be better by this evening. I've planned to take my SO out to dinner, then back to my families house for board games. My younger siblings have to go to bed fairly early since they have school tomorrow, so after games we're going back to her house, where I plan to have "the talk" with her.

I'm not bringing any girly stuff with me, no clothes or anything at all. I don't have any physical material for her to read, but I've done a little bit of research on the internet, and besides this site, have found another "SO's of CD's" only support group as well as two recommended books on the subject. I'll be spending the rest of the day trying to plan how I'm going to start, and I'm sure I'll be nervous all through dinner and games.

Few last minute questions that all of you here might be able to give me advice on:

I've read several examples where the CD wrote a letter of some kind to his SO and then talked about it afterwards, rather than telling her. I think this would probably be easier, as you could make sure that you didn't forget to say anything, etc. What do you think, is this a decent option?

I'm planning on telling her at the start of the evening that I have something I want to talk to her about tonight once we get back to her house, so that she's not surprised when I want to have a serious conversation instead of something more "enjoyable". Do you think this is a good idea, or do you think it'll make her worry all night and be really tense instead?

Any advice at all would still be very much appreciated.

[BlUeDrAgOn]

I revealed my secret to my wife last november, by reuniting a few documents that I found on the net and that I thought showed my case in a serious way. Let's be honest: the vast majority of what one finds on the net about this subject is total trash.

I gave her the texts and I let her read them in private, so that she could digest this a litte bit before we could talk about it (I think I wouldn't have the courage to tell her in person anyway).

I don't know about your SO, but in most cases, they need some time to digest it (some women never accept it, some try to forget it exists and others support it in full). In my case, at first we even talked about divorce, but now things are a little better (she doesn't want to see me en femme, but she lets me do it as long as she doens't find out).

There's one thing you must not forget: there's always the possibility that she breaks up with you, but I think that if she really loves you she'll try to understand it.

[Shelly Preston]

If you tell her at the start of the evening you want to talk seriously she may worry about what your going to say

Its possible the questioning will start there and then

good luck :hugs:

[Sheila]

I may be wrong but telling her at the start of the evening that you have something to talk to her about at the end of the evening may ruin the whole evening for her, with worries unfounded, I know it would me.

Be prepared fro questions some you may have no difficulty in answering, some you may and then there may be some questions you don't have an answer for at this time, and rather than attempt an explanation be honest and tell her I don't know.

Let her know that there is a GG section on here where she can ask all sorts of things that one of us will probaley be able to answer, many of us have been where she is now and we have made it this far :D

Good luck hun :hugs:

[Crystal Galadriel]

Thanks ladies, that's what I was worried about, mentioning something to her at the start of the evening. I'll hold off until the time actually comes.

And I think that, while I'd kind of rather write something down for her, it'll go over better if I talk to her about it in person as long as I stay calm and can get her to stay calm and we go slow. Maybe I'll writing something today and bring it with me, in case I change my mind.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Crystal Galadriel]

Apparently, my SO's sister's SO-ish guy (it's complicated) is coming to town today and staying through next Monday. I found out about this last night. Nobody likes the guy except for my SO's sister, but he's staying at their house nonetheless.

As a result, her dad thought it would be a good idea to do family get-together type stuff and have pizza tonight at 7:15, the same time that my family was going to be playing board games and after my SO and I would have already had dinner. And so, the dinner has been postponed until Saturday at the earliest (I've already got plans with friends tomorrow night). Also, at this point, my SO is unsure of where this guy is going to sleep, as there aren't any spare bedrooms in their house. With the massive rearrangement of plans for this evening on such short notice, my confession has been postponed until Saturday. Hopefully things will run a little more smoothly then, and hopefully we'll still be able to have an area in her house where we can have extended alone time for talking like we usually do.

On the bright side, it does give me more time to write that letter that I decided I was going to do. :brolleyes: Please keep wishing me luck til Saturday, though hopefully I won't need it!

[Christina Horton]

On the bright side, it does give me more time to write that letter that I decided I was going to do. :brolleyes: Please keep wishing me luck til Saturday, though hopefully I won't need it!

what ever you do just do give her the letter and leave. frist talk to her and then say i wrote you a letter to read when you want to. I might help you understand why I cd , at least mabey alittle. So she has talked to you AND now she has a letter to read. That would be much better. A letter along would not be a good idea. You see how we said that things will get in the way of you telling her. Thats life so take the next oppertunaty to tell her even if it's one you have not planed for. If it feels right do . Well good luck hun HUGGS :hugs: :canada: