I have urge to tell my ex about my Crossdressing

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Since I've told my Children about my Crossdressing I have been having a recurring desire to tell my ex about my crossdressing. Tho our divorce was not due to my crossdressing it was part of it, in the sense that she claimed I was gay and having affairs with men, so far from the truth, I was in love with my wife and she was the only person I ever was with even 8 years later.

Well here is my confusion, I want to have closure in a sense with my divorce and ask forgiveness from her for my part in the separation and divorce and correct her viwepoint of what happened. I under dressed and wore Spandex pants and work out wear during my marriage, she asked why but I could never explain why to her. At that time I felt alone in my crossdressing and just could not tell her. Now that my kids know from me that I crossdressed for 35+ years I feel a strong desire to tell my Ex.and set things straight. Maybe in how I present it to her she will come to realize I am not as bad as she believes. Don't get me wrong she has been re-married like 6 yrs ago and this is not an attempt to win her back. For me it is more of a closure thing.

Before I do this I would like to know if any my sisters have done this or felt like they needed to do this with an Ex. or if I should just leave this thought to die. I really would like to hear from you all. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[mklinden2010]

>>>Well here is my confusion, I want to have closure in a sense with my divorce and ask forgiveness from her for my part in the separation and divorce and correct her viwepoint of what happened. ... >>>Don't get me wrong she has been re-married like 6 yrs ago and this is not an attempt to win her back. For me it is more of a closure thing.

Whoa.

This "desire" is about you, not her. Let it go. Let the whole thing go. Get "closure" by firmly closing the door on any thoughts to do something like revisit or "fix" the past - or, the people in or related to it...

By the way, it wasn't "your" divorce, it's owned by both of you just as your marriage was... So, there's nothing more to say about what you both got into and got out of... Thank goodness divorce is legal and actually a solution, not a problem - once you get past the waiting period, sign the papers, and get your new lives underway. Rome, a beautiful city, wasn't built in a day, and it was built on ashes - but it all worked out.

The past is the past and all you'll do, in going back to her for this discussion, is remind her, as it should remind you, that people get divorced because they want to move on to better things - apart from each others' business.

Let it be and move on. Live better, be happier, and prove by example that you both did the right thing to get out of that deal and into something better.

If it offends you that she might think you're "gay," then consider that you are, in a sense. If you are happier doing what you want to do, then you are gayer. Good for you. And, nobody is going to be able to take that away from you - because you won't let them. (Will you?)

Go in peace and allow her to do likewise.

And, be happy - it can be contagious.

[TerriM]

The act of telling someone is really basically a selfish act. Why do we tell someone? So we dont have to hide a side of us or we are trying to feel better about ourself. When you tell someone you place a burden of keeping that secret on them. Unless you are going to mainstream what is the purpose of telling? I told my wife because I was sick of the lying I had to do to her. She found a card with a womans name in my wallet. I could have lied my way out of it but I didnt. That was over 25 yrs ago. We are still together. As far as the kids go, I feel that the telling would do more damage than helping. Just my opinion.

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Kimberley,
Though it may feel you need to put the record straight with your ex wife, i would be inclined to not do it.
You,ve both moved on with your lives so there would be nothing to gain from raking up the past now.
I think by telling her now you could do more harm than good by opening up old wounds from the past.

Just my :2c:

[DanaR]

I would have to agree with everyone else, and say don't do it.

[Celeste]

I thought about that for a while and decided against it .Here are my reasons why...
1.I didn't want to convey info about myself that could be twisted or used to my disadvantage at a later date.
2.There needs to be care and trust between individuals before you tell them something personal about yourself,those were both lost in the divorce.
3.I realized it was quite a leap for me to assume that she might be understanding.
4.There was absolutely nothing to be gained from her knowing.

[Glenda]

Well Kimberly, not a lot of positive responses for you to tell her, huh? While I have never discussed it with my ex, she has been told by either my friends or my kids.....or both. Not necessarily in a bad way. They all accept me fully. They were probably just curious if I was crossdressing before the divorce. She left me and the kids before I discovered crossdressing so it was never a factor in our marriage. She married a co-worker one year after our divorce and has since moved with him to South Carolina. We still talk on the phone every month or two and exchange an occasional email.......mostly about the kids or grandkids. Sometimes she just wants to talk. I don't initiate the conversations. We normally visit a little when she comes to town to visit the kids and I don't try to hide anything from her. Painted toe nails, shaved legs, etc.

We have remained friends after the divorce. She was my best friend for 27 years and it is really hard to be bitter with someone you really care about. I still miss her and I've been divorced for 15 years. I truly miss the friendship we shared. I also have the urge to share this side of me with her and suspect that the next time she comes to town and calls to ask if I will join her for lunch that I will show up as Glenda. I've been thinking about it long before your post. In my case, it seems like the right thing to do. I know it is not the right thing for all of us, but each case is different.

I don't know why but I have a feeling that it might be the right thing for you to tell her as well. Only you can be sure. Please don't do it if there is any possibility of negative repercussions for you. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out well.

[Sharon B.]

I have to agree with everybody on this and let it be, if anything all you will accomplished you will some new bad feelings not to mention what her new husband may do to you.
Just let it go and true to yourself, chalk it up to a life experience.

[lauraabdl]

I must agree with the girls on this let sleeping dogs lie there is not any good to be gained.
Laura

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Now I need to think what I will do, to let it lie or talk with her. I thank Glenda for her advice to me and want you to know that I am thinking on the things you said. Everyone keep me in your thoughts as I decide what to do. I'll let everyone know what happens. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[Jennifer Devine]

You're not going to achieve anything by telling her.
She's moved on and so should you.
The main things you should be focusing on are yourself and your relationship with your kids.

Jen xxx

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Since my divorce I have had a strong desire to do two things, ask for forgiveness from her, for my actions during the divorce and to forgive her, for her actions. She has moved on and remarried but I feel that I could not move on till this was done. Part of what my religious values tell me to do.

Besides asking for and giving forgiveness, I explained that the breakdown in our marriage was due to my inability, to tell her about my crossdressing, before and during our marriage. That I was baring my soul here and hoping that she won't use it to hurt me. I also told her that both our kids know that I crossdress and have known for awhile.

Now I wait for the response if any and will accept whatever fallout results. Wish the best for me.. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

The letter I sent her was more for me to have closure in my divorce so that I could move on and partly to see her response. Here is the letter I sent my Ex.:

Laurie,
I know we are divorced and will probably never be friends. Neither one of us can say that the other was 100% to blame for the divorce. We were both at fault to some degree or another. We both did things and said things that hurt each other. It may be hard for you to understand, but I was faithful to you to the end and did love you. I cannot say I love you now, considering things that were said by both of us thru our divorce.

But, I do want to ask forgiveness from you, for whatever actions or inactions on my part in our marriage going bad. I also want to forgive you for your actions in the divorce. I know that you have continued in your life and I hope that it is all that you wanted, I hope that Robert has been a better husband than me and has provided you what I could not. I do mean this in the most sincerest way.

I know that thru our divorce you said things about me, that at the time hurt me considerably and there were things I could not express to you or even understand myself. You thought I was gay and that I had affairs with men, this hurt me immensely. As I have gotten older I have realized and have come to understand that I am a Transgendered person, specifically a Crossdresser, that I have been for over 40+ years, long before we even met. Being transgendered does not make me gay, in fact the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual and straight. Crossdressing varies from simply wearing undergarments to fully dressing as a woman.

I want to tell you this and ask for your forgiveness in not being able to express this part of me, before or during our marriage. I feel that my inability to express this aspect of me was a major cause of our communication breakdown, I was afraid of being rejected by you, it didn't stop my underdressing and you perceived me as being gay. I again apologize and ask forgiveness.

I also want to say that "yes" I loved you up to the actual separation and "yes" I did put you on a pedestal, if you asked anyone up to that time that we both knew, I never said anything bad about you. But that is water over the bridge. I am baring my soul here in a way and telling you something extremely personal about me. I hope that you would not use it to hurt me. Both our children know that I crossdress and both are okay with it and surprisingly, they both knew even before I told them. I love both of them more than you know.
I can say that I have forgiven you and I hope that you can forgive me for the wrongs I did in our marriage. I sincerely hope your marriage with Robert has been good and continues to be good.

Sincerely,
Mike



My crossdressing was not the main reason for my divorce, it was more due to my wife having an affair and several smaller items all wrapped together. I mostly just underdressed during my marriage, but my ex found the panties and occassional bra's and came to the conclusion I was gay and having gay encounters.

Many things happened during the separation & divorce, she accused me of many things and said things that hurt me deeply. I needed closure for myself and wanted to ask forgiveness for things I did that caused the break-up of our marriage and to give her forgiveness for the things she did. I wanted to tell her that I've been a crossdresser for 40+ years, even before we met, that because of that I did not communicate much, that I was afraid of being rejected by her. I wanted to correct that impression for good or bad.

Many of you said don't do it, but since I told my two children that I'm a crossdresser and they are accepting, I needed to do it, more for me for closure on my marriage, even 5 + years after my divorce. Well her response was:

I understand that you feel you need to bare your soul and ask forgiveness. To be honest with you, I feel nothing towards you. I have no need for forgiveness. I have very little memory of our marriage together. I have no interest in your current psychological stasis. I am content and happy in my marriage with Robert. We are best friends and do everything together and enjoy each others interests.

In my opinion, you should ask your children how it feels when their father shows up in public in trans-gender clothing. Does it embarrass them? Do they feel the need to explain to their friends before they meet you that their father likes to dress in women's clothing. I'm sorry I can't be more supportive.


Well as I said in earlier post's, I will accept the fall-out that this letter to her will have, I hope that there is minimal damage, but it does give me closure and will allow me to move forward, as I have asked for forgivness from her and received none and I have forgiven her and she say's she has no need for it. So now my life can move forward. :battingeyelashes:

[Raven Wynter Rayne]

I was leaning toward telling Her, I think You have done the right thing!! With kids the two of You will always have a 'connection' and as such open honesty will always be best!! best wishes!!
BTW I would have gone for not telling if not for kids

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I think I did the right thing and hope that there isn't any collateral damage, especially for my two children. This was a closure thing and a leap of faith. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[sandra-leigh]

Well her response was:

[I]To be honest with you, I feel nothing towards you. I have no need for forgiveness. [...] I have no interest in your current psychological stasis. [...]

In my opinion, you should ask your children how it feels when their father shows up in public in trans-gender clothing. Does it embarrass them?

My analysis would be:

"I feel nothing towards you" -- taken in isolation without the surrounding context, possibly a more or less factual statement. E.g., one of my ex-GF had too many problems for me to handle, and within a short time left me for someone else, which was another in what was to be a long series of bad decisions. These days (many years later) I'm glad I'm out of that situation, and I pity her a bit, and I shake my head if I happen to hear of some misadventure of hers... but mostly I don't think about her at all.

"I have no interest in your current psychological stasis" -- on the face of it, a neutral statement that is possibly factual, but semantically, the phrase "psychological status" is negative and dismissive. So what this statement is really saying semantically is, "As far as I am concerned, you have psychologically problems, and they of no interest to me to listen to; and I want to be left out of any attempt from you to sort yourself out: if there is something you can't get over without my help, then deal with it yourself and don't bother me with it."

"In my opinion, you should ask your children how it feels when their father shows up in public in trans-gender clothing. Does it embarrass them?" -- This is a put-down, something intended to hurt you, and is not in keeping with the statement about feeling nothing towards you: those lines, phrased that way, come from someone who has an actual dislike towards you in general, or a dislike of an aspect of you that is sufficiently strong that the person cannot address the matter constructively. The emotions of the lines may be entirely "projective" rather than based upon any discussion with the children, and may possibly not even reflect any actual thought about how the children think. With the lack of any hint of a discussion with the children, I would interpret the lines as probably saying, "I look down upon your cross-dressing, and I would be embarrassed to see you", possibly even extending as far as "Even though we are no longer married, it is embarrassing to me that you go out in public dressed like that, because people know that we used to be married, so your cross-dressing still reflects upon me." I would consider those lines as being attempts to "control" / manipulate you mostly for her benefit (and possibly somewhat to what she perceives as the benefit of the children), rather than lines expressing actual concern about the thoughts of your children. Someone who was thinking mostly about the children could easily have phrased the lines more like, "I am concerned, though, about the potential effect of your transgendered behaviour upon the children, because <reasons>", or "Mike, please sit down and have a good talk with the children about your transgendered behaviour: based upon my knowledge and experience with them, I think they feel embarrassed and squeamish about your behaviour, but they might not say so unless you ask about that specifically."


Anyhow, just my personal reading of the response, that it doesn't mean what it seems to say. But you did reach out, and if she doesn't want to understand, you either get on with your life or you spend years trying to educate her. But in my (limited) experience, one of the strongest educations for doubtful people is to see that other people do accept you the way you are: when talking doesn't work, simple confidence and dignity often does. (And in that respect, I remind you that the bit about your children was probably an attempt to undermine your confidence and dignity.)

[Tracii G]

Not to be crass here but why does everyone NEED closure?Your lives together are over except when it comes to the kids.Get up go on with your life.
I here people all the time say "I need closure" but it never made much sense to me.
Kimberly I do see your point but now you have to deal with the hurtful statements she relayed in the response she sent.
I wouldn't give a rats ass what she thought the day the divorce was final.
She sounds like one of my Ex wives always saying hurtful things in a sidebar kind of way.I tell her keep your snide comments to yourself I don't want to hear them.
I do still hear from her thru our two daughters but they know how I feel.
I hope you can heal from this I really do but sometimes its best to let it go.
I would never tell my kids or Ex wives about being TG never.

[Glenda]

Well Kimberly, I congratulate you on making your decision and going through with it. You needed closure and I'm pretty sure you've gotten it now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little disappointed in how cold her response was. Obviously, in her mind, you were the cause of everything bad in her life. Now she has found a prince and will live happily ever after. She doesn't need forgiveness nor does she feel she owes it. So sweet.

You didn't tell her because you needed a positive or conciliatory response although that would have been so nice. You told her because you felt you needed to because it was something you didn't share when you were married and you feel guilty for that. Now it is time to move on and find your happiness. I wish you only the best.